i had a random desire this evening to look at the website for my old dancing school...this would have been interesting however i came across some old photos, yes i was in one or two which is why i'm not telling you the website, but my mum was in several more along with her friend who died in november 2006...it's amazing how a photo can influence your emotions so much...
facts about my week...
-there are 25 potential lesson hours there can be in a school week
-i get to school at 7:40am and leave at 3:10pm...that'
-i have had 7 hours in silent study(6 timetabled, one out of choice)
-1 hour of fully taught lesson
-20 minutes of Classical Civilisation coursework feedback
-40 minutes of Chemistry practical investigation
-9 hours in the common room during lessons
-3 hours of tours for new teachers
-1 hour of pastoral
-2 hours of DISS lesson where staying in the room was compulsory
-10 hours 25 minutes in the common room before school, at break and lunch...
that's how i spent my 37 hours and 30 minutes this week...how fabulous! and all this shows you just how much time i've had on my hands this week. anyone have any idea who i should complain to?
i'm ill which is rubbish to start with...and now i'm falling even further...but i can't get the words out to tell people...also please give me some lessons tomorrow...
and so i've hit the bottom again...i hate this so much...
quotes of today...:
year 12 person: who was it declaring they aren't having sex with ollie?
me: erm...all of us?
small maths school boys: they look like brother and sister, unless they're having sex...
mrs h: do you have the sheet with thew questions on?
me: yes and the rubbish you gave us with it
mrs h: *shocked*
me: sorry i didn't mean that really...
prospective english teacher: so what exactly is Classics?
me: *starts bouncing around* *proceeds to answer question looking like a nutter*
me: this is an english language lesson with year 13 if you want to look in *this is while trying not to laugh at vT pulling faces*
another prospective english teacher: no thank you
third p.e.t: an english language lesson? for year 13? ooooh yes! i'd love to see that *opens door and stands there looking mental*
and one the above year 12 told me:
mr w: if you run out of room, you can extend the male part into the female part
oh dearie...
i don't know how to react...my friends are trying to set me up with one of as list of guys....which is the sweetest thing anyone's done for me in a while, hence the welling eyes...but i'm sad also because i know it'll end in rejection, no-one ever really likes me that much...please don't stop with the setting up though guys...it's making me feel good =)
the scariest thing i've learnt over the last week was thanks to my nana...she asked me "what was the best bit about your holiday at Christmas?" then it hit me...i have no memory for those three weeks I was away...I''m serious it's just a mess of place names and pictures i've remembered from the photos I took...it's so scarey...i've been somewhere others only dream to go and i have no memories because i was too self-absorbed and worrying about it being empty to care that I went to some extraordinary places...how fucking awful is that? what have i done to myself?
in case you care the answer to my nana was "all of it" because i can't distinguish one bit from another...
and the sleepless nights, uncontrollable shaking, weird dreams and everything else that goes with my life have returned...als
i knew i shouldn't have let it happen...i let my guard down...i was safer with the wall around me...at the time it seemed fine...now i know i should have kept my barrier there...it took me four years to build and less than an hour to break down...here we go again...i've learnt from this mistake...neve
i want to write something here but i can't put what i want to say in words...all my friends are owed hugs though i know that much...
what's happening to me? i can't even notice a simple change in questions, i burst into tears when people laugh, i feel compelled to tell everyone that there's soemthing wrong but i can't tell the people who would actually give a fuck, nothing seems fun anymore, i've never crashed from happiness so quickly, i can't sleep properly, the smallest thigns are stressing me out, i can't find the motivation to do anything, reading the Bible no longer makes me realise everything's normal, i fear tomorrow and what might go wrong, i fear that even writing this will change how tomorrow turns out, i hate everything that happened yesterday, the fact this week is halfterm scares the life out of me as there's no one around to pick me up again, cuts aren't making me feel better, i sat there on Thursday afternoon wanting to hug the person I was with wondering if I'd ever get a time like that agin...the excitement and anticipation, i have a desire to throw everything at everyone, i'm touching my scarf wondering if it'll take my weight...i'm falling apart slowly and i'm terrified...
http://news.bb
thank goodness we only have a few months left...althoug
and this is my second most favourite poem. "Suicide in the Trenches" by Siegfried Sassoon...i'm a bit in love with war poetry...it just seems so perfect...
I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.
In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of rum,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.
You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you’ll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.
This poem is called "dulce and decorum est" and it's by Wilfred Owen...why are people so shocked when i say it's my most favourite poem...?
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.
GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupte
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
i didn't realise i could fall so quickly...it's been less than an hour and i'm already near the bottom...
http://news.bb
that train was the one i was waiting for...oh crap...
my stress level no longer fits on any scale...becaus
the christmas entertainment dvd made me cry...oh dear...
chemistry practicals are the worst thing ever and need to die...argh...i
so far today, i've:
-been driving all the way to Maidstone and round the one-way system without messing up =)
-baked 24 little cakes and i'm about to ice them with various different icing flavours/colou
-cooked lunch/dinner for mum =)
the baking of cakes was to reward me for driving well and the making of dinner was to reward myself for doing almost all of my homework(except stupid class civ context questions) yaye! go me! try not to ruin my cheery-ness? i'll be falling tomorrow...esp
UPDATE: don't worry about ruining my cheery-ness...
i knew my dad was insensitive but not to this extent...