oh bloody hell...my mum went on a "wedding makeup" course today...she's come back wearing more eyeliner than my friends put together, and in the process of removing everything has made herself look like death/a panda as she now has a rather pale face and black smudged eyes...and is insisting it's fine and that we should go shopping together now...erm...i'm not going out with her looking like that...apparently though that's being mean but she looks awful *hides* if she ever offers to do the makeup for anyone's wedding, either yours or someone that you know(hannah keep her away from your sister!), refuse her offer and ask for flowers instead...she's better at those...

i might have a crap day...i might screw up a lot...i might lose people i love dearly...i might hate the world...but then i watch things like Sport Relief and realise how thankful I should be that God has given me so many amazing things in my life, such as my friends, a family, education, and Jeremy Clarkson staying well away from our garden...yes i am one of these people who are easily guilt-tripped by these programmes but it has made me realise how grateful i should be regardless of how rubbish it seems at the time...

and that's all for my philosophical ramblings this evening...

i've been so busy living my life for others trying to make everything good/better that i've forgotten how to live for myself...i guess it's just one thing that'll never happen...i suppose that makes me a doormat...oh well...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh drama...road next to mine...derelict house is being extended and such...extension collapsed and person trapped...there's an air ambulance and everything...exciting stuff =) dad's just been to see if the pilot wants a cup of tea because he knows how bored they get =P

from the daily mail website:

"The RAC advised drivers to be prepared for hazardous driving conditions, allow extra journey time and to 'please take extra care' over the next few days especially on open stretches of exposed toads and when crossing bridges and high-sided vehicles."

i couldn't not post this on here...i love my mediaplayer sometimes =S

1. Put Your itunes, widows media plyer etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
strange magic

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Untitled Track (ahahahahahaha)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
What's the Frequency, Kenneth?

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Life is a Minestrone

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Seaside

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Golden Skans

WHAT IS 2+2?
Ole Black 'N' Blue Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
Snow White Queen (hmmmmmmmmmmm)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Hate This and I'll Love You

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Dead! (ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Without You Here

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Crystal Ball

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Happy Ending (gosh this is good today!)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Flathead

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Cry

it's got to the point that i'm now scared of my mum coming near me...oh dear...

"that's not good enough really is it?"

that phrase is becoming the story of my life...never however have my parents said it before...until this morning...

it's nice to wake up on the sofa in your suit with none of the lights on...

minor rant which is not directed at people on here...

ok so i might have had no lessons last week...yes i complained about it...at no point did i say i had no work...coursework and classwork/homework are different in my head...coursework=extreme stress, classwork/homework=still learning something new...there's a difference...i don't want you to tell me what i know is the right thing...so get off your bloody high horse and listen to me, i don't care if this is what it's like at uni, i still need to make my mistakes, and i've got several months yet, and i'll be doing something i love, not something i have to do...i can't cope with the thought of 9 weeks left...i'm scared...i need hugs...i'm gonna get stressed and angry, just calm me down, don't make it worse by telling me stuff i don't want to hear...i'm at school for teachers to teach me and prepare me for uni slowly, not for them to leave me in the deep end not coping...i'm fed up of people frowning at me and patronising me for the only way i know how to cope...you've been there, i supported you, don't you start making me feel like the lowest thing on earth because i haven't managed to get out of this cycle yet...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *incoherent mumbling*
and someone who should read this...please don't make this my final chance?

i'm quite excited...i/m goign to see my grandparents this evening =) i saw my nana last week but i haven't seen my grandad since i don't remember when...quite looking forward to it =)

on the other hand, is it normal to be worrying about someone you've known since you were both very small and see every day but don't ever talk to anymore?

and still no-one wants to translate my sentence =( =P

"Pa se koffie is op Pa se tafel" the one sentence i know in Afrikaans...*proud* i learnt that in Year 7 thanks to my english teacher(if you know me...guess who =P)and i've never forgotten it...i did have to check spellings though...
it's not hard to guess what it means but if you fancy winning a *hug* from me...answers however you want to get them to me =P

i had a random desire this evening to look at the website for my old dancing school...this would have been interesting however i came across some old photos, yes i was in one or two which is why i'm not telling you the website, but my mum was in several more along with her friend who died in november 2006...it's amazing how a photo can influence your emotions so much...

facts about my week...
-there are 25 potential lesson hours there can be in a school week
-i get to school at 7:40am and leave at 3:10pm...that's 7 and 30 minutes i'm in school...out of those hours there's 20 minutes for break and 1 hour for lunch. in break, lunch and the time before school i sit in the common room
-i have had 7 hours in silent study(6 timetabled, one out of choice)
-1 hour of fully taught lesson
-20 minutes of Classical Civilisation coursework feedback
-40 minutes of Chemistry practical investigation
-9 hours in the common room during lessons
-3 hours of tours for new teachers
-1 hour of pastoral
-2 hours of DISS lesson where staying in the room was compulsory
-10 hours 25 minutes in the common room before school, at break and lunch...

that's how i spent my 37 hours and 30 minutes this week...how fabulous! and all this shows you just how much time i've had on my hands this week. anyone have any idea who i should complain to?

i'm ill which is rubbish to start with...and now i'm falling even further...but i can't get the words out to tell people...also please give me some lessons tomorrow...

and so i've hit the bottom again...i hate this so much...

quotes of today...:

year 12 person: who was it declaring they aren't having sex with ollie?
me: erm...all of us?

small maths school boys: they look like brother and sister, unless they're having sex...

mrs h: do you have the sheet with thew questions on?
me: yes and the rubbish you gave us with it
mrs h: *shocked*
me: sorry i didn't mean that really...

prospective english teacher: so what exactly is Classics?
me: *starts bouncing around* *proceeds to answer question looking like a nutter*

me: this is an english language lesson with year 13 if you want to look in *this is while trying not to laugh at vT pulling faces*
another prospective english teacher: no thank you
third p.e.t: an english language lesson? for year 13? ooooh yes! i'd love to see that *opens door and stands there looking mental*

and one the above year 12 told me:

mr w: if you run out of room, you can extend the male part into the female part

oh dearie...

i don't know how to react...my friends are trying to set me up with one of as list of guys....which is the sweetest thing anyone's done for me in a while, hence the welling eyes...but i'm sad also because i know it'll end in rejection, no-one ever really likes me that much...please don't stop with the setting up though guys...it's making me feel good =)

the scariest thing i've learnt over the last week was thanks to my nana...she asked me "what was the best bit about your holiday at Christmas?" then it hit me...i have no memory for those three weeks I was away...I''m serious it's just a mess of place names and pictures i've remembered from the photos I took...it's so scarey...i've been somewhere others only dream to go and i have no memories because i was too self-absorbed and worrying about it being empty to care that I went to some extraordinary places...how fucking awful is that? what have i done to myself?

in case you care the answer to my nana was "all of it" because i can't distinguish one bit from another...

and the sleepless nights, uncontrollable shaking, weird dreams and everything else that goes with my life have returned...also i only have two more clothes sizes to drop until i'll be happy with myself...i guess in a way it's back to normality...whatever that might be now...