why do the emails hurt me so much?

so i went to see my nana today...she's alright...she didn't shut up which means she's fine...don't know what was wrong with her either...she's taking 9 pills each morning and evening though...it's worrying...but at least i know she's better...i'd like to thank the people that were worried about me being so worried...so thank you: no-one...yup that's right no-one cared...actually i'm not surprised no-one ever bothers with the temporarily depressed person who can snap out of bad moods easily

so she's not coming home tonight as we were told...there was no-one to do one test she needs before she can be discharged...so now she'll be there til monday at least...i hate this...my grandad must feel terrible all by himself...i'm so scared

so yeah...i just found out my nana went into hospital on wednesday...as if this week couldn't get worse...and you think you have problems...

some small person tried to strangle me with my necklace last night...i wish she had

so there i was reading through some old diary notes of people and realised how useless i am...i'm never in the right place at the right time, always the wrong place at the wrong time...i can't ever seem to get anything right...i messed up the easiest part of my classics exa,...i have to go into school so i actually revise...i can't keep my friends long enough without arguing with them over something pathetic...i miss too many people...i miss the way it was this time last year...i live in the past way too much...i should live for today...i can't even see myself living tomorrow let alone going to uni...i can't stand the fact i'm completely emotionless at the moment...i can't cry...i can't scream...i can't smile...i can't laugh...i'm dead...and if i'm not dead it's how i'd like to be right now...and not one person will read this

*sings* I'm dreaming of some Greek temples, Just like the ones in the exam

yes that song is going around in my head...yes i have been dreaming about temples for the last three hours...argh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????????????????????

there's days you wish you knew what was going on and why things were happening...

sometimes there are people i want to punch...

despite the fact i messed everything up, everything that was bugging me suddenly disappeared...

*vaguely happier than before*

why do i ask some questions when i know the answers will further kill me inside?

i hate this so much...

the next person to mention marriage/weddings will be very badly hurt...

there's sometimes when i want to go somewhere on the internet and just forget about life in the real world. why the hell do people bring the things i try to forget on here?

sometimes you get this feeling of loneliness, like everyone else in the world doesn't care about you anymore, like they've all deserted you, like they don't find you important anymore, when you need to talk to someone but the person you find it easiest to talk to is a part of the story, like you just want someone to notice you again and you want that feeling of being loved.

i'm so so scared this feeling will last forever

xxx

what the hell do you do when your friend is wasting her life by dropping out of school and going against her parents wishes? and now her mother wants her to move out as well.

what on earth can i say to her to change her mind. gah shove me right in the middle why doesn't she?

sometimes I wish I could read people's minds. it would make my life easier and i wouldn't worry so much about people.

that's all of my randomness tonight.

xxx

there's something wrong somewhere but i can't work out what. i'm worried but i don't know why. i'm stressed but i have no reason to be. i want to talk but no-one wants to listen. what's wrong with everyone?

i'm booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored there's no-one around anywhere. and i have near impossible chemistry to do for next tuesday and i can't do it because i can't do it neatly and therefore i'm getting annoyed with it. gah...

someone talk to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

xxx

well it's 1:12am and i'm totally freaked out. the fact i'm awake and alone i nthe house at this time doesn't help much. perhaps i should go to bed. g'night

thanks to all you who appeared at my house last night, you made my day totally amazing. oh and also to those(well one person) who appeared at my house the day before. i've had the best few days for a loooooooooooong time.

also i will soon be starting a "adopt-my-mummy" campaign seeing as everyone appears to love her, not too sure why that is though :s :p

at the moment, despite listening to my new CD, i still have two songs half combining in my head and they don't really fit! these songs include the words "monkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkey" and "badgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadger" so my brain's singing something to the effect of "badgerbadgermonkeymonkeymonkeybadgermonkeybadgerbadgerbadgerbadgermonkeySQUIDmonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkeybadgerbadgerbadgerbadger" yeah you get the idea...rather random songs and yes it does say squid and not snake.

as i write this i'm watching some news thing about the beirut evacuation. it's really weird as i was in beirut in april and then in limassol, cyprus (the place where they seem to be taking them to) last week. tis very strange to think that i've been to both places before all this started happening. strangeness, random thoughts.

i also have the most amazing blue dots on my fingernails because hannah put them there and everytime i see them i do a double take and then realise it's just nailvarnish.

i also love mr scarecrow dalek because we saw him in a field on the way to RHCP on the train. the concert was amazing! totally amazing time. had great fun!

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you've probably had enough of my rambling now.

xxx