proper awesome evening...but it hurts so much...

excuse what i said last night...i was in pieces...feeling sick...and just generally rubbish...this morning i woke up and didn't even remember writing anything...not that i was drunk...i was just completely out of everything...

eurgh reading old diaries and stuff again...i've gone back into those feelings...there's something wrong...no-one wil ltell me what's happening...no-one will listen to what's really hurting me inside...i can't tell anyone directly...it's too hard...

ok...seriously...i've made my decision...make yours before it happens without you being able to stop it...

some people just know how to make you feel even lower when you don't think there's anywhere lower to go...i hate this feeling...i read one thing and burst into tears...tiredness is making me worse...i can't even be excited about tomorrow...i'm scared i'm just gonna get hurt further without others realising it...the words of "signal fire" by snow patrol explain everything i'm feeling...it's like i'm the forgotten reject all over again...

and things get worse by the day...

perhaps decisions made for you are easier than those you have to make yourself...

and when everything was just getting better...

i'm so sorry for today...i screwed up majorly...i'm a reject...i can't even be in a group of people any more...not without feeling like the outcast of them...even if they try to talk to me...i hate this so much...i'm falling again...

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ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

everything is rubbish...i hate life again...this weekend shall be interesting...not sure if i'm looking forward to it...or if i'm absolutely flipping terrified of it...someone tell me how to feel...i don't know any more

today has been weird...

it's not been a good day for so many reasons but anyone else wouldn't see why it's not been a good day...

but exams are over...2 days of sleep

classics revision is utter rubbish...cramps also are rubbish when you have hours of exams to endure them for...gah...

and doesn't it just annoy you when you're having an awful week or so and people come and say "i've had the most awesome time ever..." stop rubbing it in...yeah i'm being a bloody hypocrite, it's what i did at easter...but so what...i know how much it hurts now and i won't do it again...

i'd be better off dead really...seriously

why is it so hard to talk to people...

...and that's why...i give up with life...seriously

i've screwed up again...

so i went shopping today...met up with two people from camp...was planning o na nice day getting away from all the couples...i forgot the two people i met up with are going out...so i spent over an hour watching clouds while they attached themselves...apparently i'm destined to be the single one...who everyone assumes doesn't care that everyone else is all over their other halves...well i do care...i hate it...i'm flipping lonely...it's rubbish standing alone while everyone else is together...it makes you feel worthless...like there's something wrong...like you're a reject...have some consideration once in a while yeah?

i've ruined everything...just by saying how i felt...it's better for you to ignore me completely

ok i know i've made myself a reject...i've done the things that mean i act the way stated below...i have no answer for why i did those things...but i'm just so worried...what will people think?

ps...if you don't know the things i've done then you don't need to/wait until you hear the gossip...it's already being spread around(it's nothing too awful to everyone else but to me it is...)

i'm sure i'm some reject or something...i get intimidated by emails...i refuse to swim...i'm scared of going to a friends house...i'm a freak...seriously