why does the idea of being around people scare me so much?

it's finally hit me, and now it hurts...

so while i was away i met...my friend's boyfriend's friend's ex-girlfriend...how cool yet random is that?!?!?!

i've let him down so, so much...

my mum played my uncle's guitar today...it hurt like hell...i wanted to keep it knowing he was the last to play it...now i have nothing that i know he was the last person to wear/play...

why me? i want my uncle back! *collapses in a teary heap*

reasons why my parents hate me:
-i wanted to see my uncle before the funeral...so i did and burst into tears
-i couldn't make up my mind as to which of his guitars i wanted
-i wasn't hungry
-i refused to eat due to above
-i got on well with my uncle's "partner"'s sister...and i'm not meant to
-i went shopping with above person and came back all happy
-i burst into tears in the middle of Wellington because i felt like a "spare part"
-i stole all the hot water out of the shower two mornings running
-i asked my dad whether it was cold outside
-i wanted as new pair of converses
-i ate mum's chocolate bar
-i didn't get mum a sweet on the aeroplane
-i couldn't lift one of the suitcases, and then proceeded to burst into tears in the middle on the airport when shouted at

and i'm sure there's more than that...

i'm just an add-on...something that gets in the way...something not worthwhile...

i hate not being able to make myself feel better...i'm being watched to make sure i don't...it's crap...

i'm so scared about going away...i want to...i know he'd want me to...but it's terrifying...i've lost one of three heroes...i can't lose the other two or i'm completely lost...i have to write something to say about my uncle...it's so hard...

i'm glad one bit is all over...roll on summer...

on the other hand...5 days...i'm terrified...

sunday...monday...tuesday...that's unbelievably soon...and there;s things missing...and so many memories...and it still hasn't sunk in properly...i can't cope with all this at once...

oh bloody hell...i really can't ever get away from my life by coming on here now can i? the one last sane place is gone...fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...

i'm off on sunday...bloody hell...

weeks...days...hours...minutes...seconds...end.

erm...i'm gonna need a hell of a lot of hugs...

oh and don't worry...it's fine to bitch about me behind my back...it can't hurt much more...let the whole world know you have a problem with me...it's just shown me who my real friends are...

so i come home from an awesome weekend and i'm in tears...i made a small mistake and now the whole world hates my guts...

and i'm still not allowed to sleep ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*snores*

apparently i'm not allowed to sleep...i'm "tired" because i'm lazy and don't want to do anything...fucking parents i can hardly keep my eyes open and that classes me as lazy and not completely tired...

yesterday was my birthday and it was one of the most awesome birthday's that i've had :) my friends are absolutely amazing and i realised so many things...one person's card nearly made me cry...i love everyone loads and loads...thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

woah 2 positive diary entries? there's gotta be something wrong :P

so this weekend has been the best in such a long time :D helping at the tour de france and activities the day before in very sexy t-shirts of course...

i love like meeting new people and being around people in like a crowd, but then something in my head makes me go quiet and scared of everyone...i hate that moment...but sleeping through it is good...like i did last night in canterbury highstreet...me sitting in a chair and covering myself in loads of jumpers...i looked like a flipping tramp...but it was awesome...

and it's my birthday tomorrow :D :D :D