my form tutor's advice this morning when telling me how to do the essay i haven't looked at yet because all i've been thinking about since 2 weeks ago is "funeral...": "forget about the funeral, well don't forget, just don't think about it because you need to concentrate on your work"...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

and you don't need to tell me at lunch that smoking kills...i think i know this...

erm...i'm meant to be helping at a small people evening at school tonight but have no idea what i'm meant to do...could be interesting...

i'm rather scared about tomorrow though :S

my parents are rubbish liars...
me: mum, what's wrong?
mum: *rubbing eyes* i've just got something in it...a bit of grit that's all...
me: hmmm...

me: dad what are you doing?
dad: *rubbing eyes* just rubbing my eyes...they're tired
me: hmmm...

grrrrrr

i'm such an evil cow...i'm totally rubbish...and i know i sound like i'm self-centred...but i don't mean to be...

i'm now in trouble because, although i'm eating, i'm not eating enough...

and i wish people knew how rubbish they make me feel even when they're joking about stuff...

ok so it's almost 10pm...that's like two hours after i usually go to bed...why do they put good tv on at 9pm? why am i still awake and bothering to watch this tv programme?

*laughs so hard* Warwick make you read the rubbish Lattimore translations of The Odyssey and The Iliad...hahahahahahahaha *giggles*

i've spent so long worrying about myself i've forgotten everyone else i care for...i'm sorry you guys...just because i'm feeling sorry for myself like a loser doesn't mean i don't still care...

there's so much in my head i need to say...but i can't get the word's out...it's making me explode inside...i hate it...

so i've spent the last hour clearing out old photos off the computer...and goodness i've changed quite a bit...

i found the photos of my uncle graham so i'm now happy, but i can't find any of my uncle alf...which isn't fair...

today's still rubbish though...i wish we could go back to easter and relive it again and again...i'd say goodbye to my uncle properly, email him more before july...

cramps are gay...and i'm having nightmares about going to pizza hut...along with a few other things...oh dear...and just for reference...please don't talk about boxes for the next few weeks...

i can tell things are getting to everyone...everyone snaps at everyone else...someone find me an excuse to get me out of the house, yeah?

i've lost all my photos of half term two years ago...i want them back...i need them...i can't cope with just one photo....

i remember thinking in year 7 that once you got to 6th form you didn't cry anymore...everything was perfect, nothing ever went wrong, and you knew exactly what you wanted to do with your life...i was just a tad disillusioned...it seems silly now that i was so naive...you don't ever go through life perfectly, and if you do...let me know...i want some!

tuesday 2nd october 2007...i'm so scared...

yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2tL1jbs0ppQ

i'm sick in the head...isn't that nice...

erm...his thursday milk wasn't brought in by friday, milkman told the neighbours, the neighbours told the police...

so erm...that's two uncles i've lost to smoking-related diseases(one smoked, one didn't) in the last two months...i wish God would stop taking people from me...

so...erm...the more giggly i am, the more i hurt inside...i love being happy, but i feel awful when i realise i'm just being ridiculous and not myself...i'm not some giggling, smiley person really...it's just a mask...

things i've learnt today:
-i'm a depressed freak
-i can fake having a memory by crossing subject knowledge
-i am indeed a control freak
-i feel fine when i'm by myself, but when around people i'm not alright but i can't tell people why
-there's only one thing i can control and that's my eating, and i can't even do that properly
-you shouldn't say sorry unless you genuinely are or else no-one will believe you when you mean it

i'm a rubbish liar...

nothing's right, i hated yesterday, i've been so happy, and now it's all screwed up again...