it's weird...i can go a whole day doing anything...then the second i go online, my whole mood changes completely...

i'm also incredibly excited yet terrified also...in less than 2 months i will have to face up to everything that's happened over the past 3 months...i'll have to get over it all so i don't spend a fortnight thinking that there's seomthing missing...i'm excited because it feels like i'll be somewhere i belong...i mean i love everyone here, but it doesn't feel right here anymore...if i could take certain people with me, life would be awesome...but i'm terrified because i feel like i'll have to relive everything again and i can't cope with seeing pictures, so what on earth am i gonna be like when i'm actually there again...it was bad enough on friday having to imagine walking on a beach...and that was only a memory...

if i burst into tears randomly, or seem not quite here or sleep a lot for the next few months i apologise but i don't know how to cope with feeling like this...well i know how i would...but parents/others who care monitoring me screws up that a bit...i'm sorry guys...

i had a huge sense of acheivement yesterday having organised all the paper that's been floating around i my room for years...and 3 bags of paper recycling i was really happy...

today i feel awful...completely unmotivated(is that even a word) but i must must must do my coursework before i don't have time to stop...hmmmmmm

no i don't want to walk on a fucking beach with a balloon of my stress as the last time i was near a beach was on the most gorgeous plot of land in nz where my uncle was going to build a house...stupid beaches...

"18-10-2007 (17:06) Your reference has been completed and approved. Your referee/co-ordinator will be able to send your application to UCAS from mid-September. After it has been processed, you will be sent a welcome letter containing your application number to enable you to log into Track. You will be able to use the username and password you used when making your application."

yaye!

however i'm still beating myself up about yesterday...gah...i was so stupid...

i should stop beating myself up inside...

it's 3 months today...and i miss him as much as i did the first day i found out...it's scary to think time's gone past so quickly...i want to go back to may...to hug him one last time...tell him goodbye...that i'll miss him...the only time i got to say that to him was when he was lying there like a wax model in the coffin...i can't stand it...the images are coming back...someone rub out images in my head...please?

it's time like these i wish i could take everyone's problems, put them in a bubble...then pop it and make everything go away...that or at least be able to understand how people feel...

years ago i wanted to be a counsellor...but i'd be rubbish because i'd take my work home and worry about everyone way too much

mrs h: do you understand more now?
me: no
mrs h: *shouts* becca...be more postive(or words to that effect)
me: (to shut her up) i'm joking!

i get home...i actually haven't a clue...i was actually being serious...

uh-oh

my mother has decided because i can't be trusted with scissors i am therefore irresponsible and so cannot be trusted to be put on the insurance for the car...in case i go out and kill myself in it...

fucking hell i'm not that bad...

classics essay...ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Stunning work. Thorough and scholarly. I could not ask
more of a student at your stage. Excellent"

I just found this...what the hell went wrong?...for those of you who know me...guess who wrote it! :P

car=taste the difference cheese? yeah right...*shifty look*

i don't think i should ever have children...today my lunch consisted of pasta, bacon, cheese and apple sauce...goodness knows what would happen to them if they ate when i ate...actually no they'd die...i don't eat often enough and when i do i don't eat properly...

i'm still really scared by the fact i'm never gonna be a real aunt to anyone...nor will i ever be anyone's big sister...i hate this :S

i think i've exhausted every drop of emotion in me...i feel empty of all feelings now...i hate not knowing how i feel...

Prometheus!

ignore me...

stop asking me whay i'm not talking much
stop the fecking smoke alarm
stop with the "i didn't eat your jaffa cakes" well no-one else ate 2 and left me only 1
stop with the "you won't even sit down to dinner for more than 3 minutes"
stop with the "when i was your age, i..."

just shut the hell up and hug me and let me cry on your shoulder, yeah?

*screams*

serious:
i'm sorry for being a crap friend

sarcastic:
i'm sorry that you're a rubbish person and won't let me "run to miss van tonder every time something goes wrong"

no, it is not hilarious for you to speed up when driving past me
no, i don't give a fuck that you walked anywhere when you were young and didn't have the option of a lift
no, i don't sit there complaining i can't get the bus because i can't afford it for you to say "oh well you'll just have to walk"
no, i don't sit in ILC trying not to cry because i feel fine
no, i don't want anymore of your fucking pixie post

*screams*

Becca is just a tad happy that Top Gear is back...but worried by the fact that The Stig is now known as Cuddles :S on the other hand Becca is loving Hammond's gorgeous hair :D

heehee and today was awesome...anyone in my area wanna volunteer? let me know!

*complains* i don't like pizza...

the subtle hint to move out:

mummy: becca i know we only live an hour away from canterbury uni and it's really easy to get to and all, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try and get accomodation there...
becca: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

on the other hand becca had subway today so is happy :)