stop playing cancer adverts at me!!!!!!!!!!!! tomorrow shall be incredibly hard...it'll mark a year since my mum's friend died, a year since my "second mum" died, a year since i first experienced death and understood it, a year since everything changed for me completely, a year since i realised you can't go through life thinking "that'll never happen to me", a year since i started to learn who really matters in my life...

please don't hurt me if i'm not quite right for the rest of this week...

english corusework is incredibly difficult whe nyou can't remember where you put the book that you're writing it about...bugger

all i want is for someone to hug me and tell me "everything will be alright" because i just need someone to make me feel better even though i know it won't be alright in the end because it never is...

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my mum's being a stupid cow at the moment and acting like i've done something majorly wrong...i spent most of yesterday asleep because i felt so ill...and so mum comes home and shouts at me for doing no ironing(which i never do anyway) and says i can't be ill or i wouldn't be on the sofa, i'd be in bed...argh...and then she got all annoyed because i didn't tell her i'd been rejected from Nottingham and Birmingham and made a rather big deal out of it at the dinner table of her friend's husband's 60th last night...i mean seriously...i'm you're gonna moan about it, wait til we get home *rolls eyes*...

and now the house has to be silent because she's trying to read some stupid book...yet i'm meant to be doing something more productive than reading when i want to read...fucking hell...so i put my music on quietly because i can't stand silence and she went mental and stormed out of the room and has now shut herself in another room...i thought i was meant to be the stressy one...and i have no clothes dry for tomorrow but apparently "that's my problem"...i have no idea how my clothes can be dry by tomorrow when it's "having the heat on is unnecessary money wasted" and she moans when i say i'm cold wearing goodness knows how many layers and my gloves"

*screams*

being ill is gay...
not being able to taste coffee is gay...
being rejected from Nottingham is gay...
being told i look dead is gay...
having to explain a stanza in English with minimal voice is gay...
mum trying to talk to me about my "sessions" is gay...

getting a conditional offer for Reading is not so gay =)
being bought a new suit is not so gay =)
vT being uber nice to me for no reason is not so gay =)
laughing at vT because she had a meeting with the head while i went shopping was not so gay =)
being bought new boots AND shoes is not so gay =)
mrs h giving us display work to do in a DISS lesson is not so gay =)

today has been a pretty balanced day...not quite sure if i should be happy or not...being ill makes me sleepy though

driving in the dark hurts my eyes muchly...

also i don't like being ill...i'm never ill...and i'm not allowed any time off school either...my attendance must reamin at 96% over the year...that means no illness...eurgh...

on the other hand becca apologises for her gay moodswings earlier and crying because her peppermint creams were insulted...she's just feeling useless and failure-ish after being rejected from Birmingham...

The University of Birmingham Q820 Oct 2008 Unsuccessful  31-Oct-2007 

enough said...

the most worrying thing about "The Aeneid: The Musical"...it was made specifically for educational purposes...oh dearie

i can listen to people
i can hug

i can't make people feel better
i can't give good advice
i can't find a decent recipe for peppermint creams

so i'm not getting put on the insurance of the car...which is fair enough but now my parents won't shut up about it...which is just a tad annoying...GRRRRRR

while researching the "wandering womb" that Greek women had, i have discovered many university papers on it...erm yeah quite worried about what american/canadian unis teach in their classics degrees...hmmmmm

4 essays due by friday...

english lit: duffy
english lit: coursework
classics essay: women in tragedies
classics coursework: question unknown...uh-oh

i now know why my mum's being so evil towards me...

i hate working with my mother...loads of children came into the shop and she was all polite and nice to them, then the second they went i got shouted at, moaned about, given all the slave jobs...it's unbelievable that my mother can change so quickly...

on the other hand i got to cuddle Elysia(i think that's how I spell her name) today...Elysia is the 10 month old daughter of one of the shop's owners and she oh so cute...and one day I'll be her babysitter...and i've gone all maternal and oh my days she was like smiling at me...and usually babies scream and cry and try to go back to mummy as quickly as possible...so i'me rather impressed...i don't think i ever want my own children though...hmmmmmm

ahahaha funny moment of the day while shopping with my nana...

becca sees guy in high street...thoughts follow

*becca eyes up guy*
thought 1: *ooooooooh that guy is rather fit...*
*becca has second look making vague eye contact*
thought 2: *don't i know him from somewhere?*
*becca looks once more*
thought 3: *bugger! he teaches at my school...*
*becca gets all sad and realises he must have recognised her*
*becca giggles at how stupid she has been*
*becca's nana looks unbelievably confused*

stupid mr wicken...now i look like his fecking stalker =S

that gorgeous land...where my uncle wanted to build a house...where half his ashes are...someone's just bought that land...it'll never be like that again...

i need to snap out of this...stop living in the past...i'm ruining everything...

it's weird...i can go a whole day doing anything...then the second i go online, my whole mood changes completely...

i'm also incredibly excited yet terrified also...in less than 2 months i will have to face up to everything that's happened over the past 3 months...i'll have to get over it all so i don't spend a fortnight thinking that there's seomthing missing...i'm excited because it feels like i'll be somewhere i belong...i mean i love everyone here, but it doesn't feel right here anymore...if i could take certain people with me, life would be awesome...but i'm terrified because i feel like i'll have to relive everything again and i can't cope with seeing pictures, so what on earth am i gonna be like when i'm actually there again...it was bad enough on friday having to imagine walking on a beach...and that was only a memory...

if i burst into tears randomly, or seem not quite here or sleep a lot for the next few months i apologise but i don't know how to cope with feeling like this...well i know how i would...but parents/others who care monitoring me screws up that a bit...i'm sorry guys...

i had a huge sense of acheivement yesterday having organised all the paper that's been floating around i my room for years...and 3 bags of paper recycling i was really happy...

today i feel awful...completely unmotivated(is that even a word) but i must must must do my coursework before i don't have time to stop...hmmmmmm

no i don't want to walk on a fucking beach with a balloon of my stress as the last time i was near a beach was on the most gorgeous plot of land in nz where my uncle was going to build a house...stupid beaches...

"18-10-2007 (17:06) Your reference has been completed and approved. Your referee/co-ordinator will be able to send your application to UCAS from mid-September. After it has been processed, you will be sent a welcome letter containing your application number to enable you to log into Track. You will be able to use the username and password you used when making your application."

yaye!

however i'm still beating myself up about yesterday...gah...i was so stupid...

i should stop beating myself up inside...