so...having a bad day...uber stressed and have no idea how to answer "what's wrong?"...i don't know the answer...i've eaten too much today...one and a half teacakes and a few biscuits...that's more than i've eaten in total since sunday...it's rubbish...and i'm fat enough already...i hate this week...too many memories...1 year since my mum's friend died...Remembrance Service on Friday and Sunday...it's painful...teachers are all like "we don't know what stage we'll be at at Christmas" which is really annoying because i need to be doing the work now...not when i'm away...urgh stupidness...and my driving instructor is such an idiot..."i always have my foot o nthe clutch or you'd stall at every corner you turn"...glad to know he trusts me...and i'm apparently allowed to break the speed limit to get out of the way of police cars...i think not...my mum has decided i love my friends too much and do too much for them...the only reason for that is because it feels like my parents don't give a fuck about me any more...i hardly ever see them...mum only patronises me and check my arms to see if i've been "naughty"...the only time they've spoken to me today is to find out what my post is..."ooooh you got a letter from Reading! why are they sending you that? you haven't sent off your ucas form yet! is it an offer? do they seem welcoming? can we go visit?" shut the fuck up...it's my life not yours! i happen to tell someone one of our Guide leaders died at the start of the year...it suddenly hit me how little i had paid attention to the fact everyone i've lost is gone and i'll never get to see them or be with them again...my uncle will never hug me again...my mum's friend will never comfort me if mum goes to hospital again...my great uncle won't come for christmas and give us the most random presents...i seriously miss people...if my close friends ever go i don't hoenstly know what i'll do...i can't cope with this...i'm standing in the shower in the morning thinking "that vein looks quite big...i wonder what would happen if i cut it..."...and for goodness sake if you've taught me for four years you should know my fecking name by now...i'm not Liz...I'm not Victoria...I'm Becca...please just once get it right...and don't put me in a fecking group with people who hate me and won't talk to me...because then i don't do the work and i'll fail because i don't understand...argh...i can't believe i'm telling this to an internet page...

about 2 years ago, my form tutor gave us this poem...i don't remember why she gave it to us or anything but since then it's always stuck in my head...i actually love this poem by Ruyard Kipling...i'm not quite sure why, but that's not the point...

If

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

stop playing cancer adverts at me!!!!!!!!!!!! tomorrow shall be incredibly hard...it'll mark a year since my mum's friend died, a year since my "second mum" died, a year since i first experienced death and understood it, a year since everything changed for me completely, a year since i realised you can't go through life thinking "that'll never happen to me", a year since i started to learn who really matters in my life...

please don't hurt me if i'm not quite right for the rest of this week...

english corusework is incredibly difficult whe nyou can't remember where you put the book that you're writing it about...bugger

all i want is for someone to hug me and tell me "everything will be alright" because i just need someone to make me feel better even though i know it won't be alright in the end because it never is...

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my mum's being a stupid cow at the moment and acting like i've done something majorly wrong...i spent most of yesterday asleep because i felt so ill...and so mum comes home and shouts at me for doing no ironing(which i never do anyway) and says i can't be ill or i wouldn't be on the sofa, i'd be in bed...argh...and then she got all annoyed because i didn't tell her i'd been rejected from Nottingham and Birmingham and made a rather big deal out of it at the dinner table of her friend's husband's 60th last night...i mean seriously...i'm you're gonna moan about it, wait til we get home *rolls eyes*...

and now the house has to be silent because she's trying to read some stupid book...yet i'm meant to be doing something more productive than reading when i want to read...fucking hell...so i put my music on quietly because i can't stand silence and she went mental and stormed out of the room and has now shut herself in another room...i thought i was meant to be the stressy one...and i have no clothes dry for tomorrow but apparently "that's my problem"...i have no idea how my clothes can be dry by tomorrow when it's "having the heat on is unnecessary money wasted" and she moans when i say i'm cold wearing goodness knows how many layers and my gloves"

*screams*

being ill is gay...
not being able to taste coffee is gay...
being rejected from Nottingham is gay...
being told i look dead is gay...
having to explain a stanza in English with minimal voice is gay...
mum trying to talk to me about my "sessions" is gay...

getting a conditional offer for Reading is not so gay =)
being bought a new suit is not so gay =)
vT being uber nice to me for no reason is not so gay =)
laughing at vT because she had a meeting with the head while i went shopping was not so gay =)
being bought new boots AND shoes is not so gay =)
mrs h giving us display work to do in a DISS lesson is not so gay =)

today has been a pretty balanced day...not quite sure if i should be happy or not...being ill makes me sleepy though

driving in the dark hurts my eyes muchly...

also i don't like being ill...i'm never ill...and i'm not allowed any time off school either...my attendance must reamin at 96% over the year...that means no illness...eurgh...

on the other hand becca apologises for her gay moodswings earlier and crying because her peppermint creams were insulted...she's just feeling useless and failure-ish after being rejected from Birmingham...

The University of Birmingham Q820 Oct 2008 Unsuccessful  31-Oct-2007 

enough said...

the most worrying thing about "The Aeneid: The Musical"...it was made specifically for educational purposes...oh dearie

i can listen to people
i can hug

i can't make people feel better
i can't give good advice
i can't find a decent recipe for peppermint creams

so i'm not getting put on the insurance of the car...which is fair enough but now my parents won't shut up about it...which is just a tad annoying...GRRRRRR

while researching the "wandering womb" that Greek women had, i have discovered many university papers on it...erm yeah quite worried about what american/canadian unis teach in their classics degrees...hmmmmm

4 essays due by friday...

english lit: duffy
english lit: coursework
classics essay: women in tragedies
classics coursework: question unknown...uh-oh

i now know why my mum's being so evil towards me...

i hate working with my mother...loads of children came into the shop and she was all polite and nice to them, then the second they went i got shouted at, moaned about, given all the slave jobs...it's unbelievable that my mother can change so quickly...

on the other hand i got to cuddle Elysia(i think that's how I spell her name) today...Elysia is the 10 month old daughter of one of the shop's owners and she oh so cute...and one day I'll be her babysitter...and i've gone all maternal and oh my days she was like smiling at me...and usually babies scream and cry and try to go back to mummy as quickly as possible...so i'me rather impressed...i don't think i ever want my own children though...hmmmmmm

ahahaha funny moment of the day while shopping with my nana...

becca sees guy in high street...thoughts follow

*becca eyes up guy*
thought 1: *ooooooooh that guy is rather fit...*
*becca has second look making vague eye contact*
thought 2: *don't i know him from somewhere?*
*becca looks once more*
thought 3: *bugger! he teaches at my school...*
*becca gets all sad and realises he must have recognised her*
*becca giggles at how stupid she has been*
*becca's nana looks unbelievably confused*

stupid mr wicken...now i look like his fecking stalker =S

that gorgeous land...where my uncle wanted to build a house...where half his ashes are...someone's just bought that land...it'll never be like that again...

i need to snap out of this...stop living in the past...i'm ruining everything...

it's weird...i can go a whole day doing anything...then the second i go online, my whole mood changes completely...

i'm also incredibly excited yet terrified also...in less than 2 months i will have to face up to everything that's happened over the past 3 months...i'll have to get over it all so i don't spend a fortnight thinking that there's seomthing missing...i'm excited because it feels like i'll be somewhere i belong...i mean i love everyone here, but it doesn't feel right here anymore...if i could take certain people with me, life would be awesome...but i'm terrified because i feel like i'll have to relive everything again and i can't cope with seeing pictures, so what on earth am i gonna be like when i'm actually there again...it was bad enough on friday having to imagine walking on a beach...and that was only a memory...

if i burst into tears randomly, or seem not quite here or sleep a lot for the next few months i apologise but i don't know how to cope with feeling like this...well i know how i would...but parents/others who care monitoring me screws up that a bit...i'm sorry guys...

i had a huge sense of acheivement yesterday having organised all the paper that's been floating around i my room for years...and 3 bags of paper recycling i was really happy...

today i feel awful...completely unmotivated(is that even a word) but i must must must do my coursework before i don't have time to stop...hmmmmmm

no i don't want to walk on a fucking beach with a balloon of my stress as the last time i was near a beach was on the most gorgeous plot of land in nz where my uncle was going to build a house...stupid beaches...