yes mum you may fuck off down the pub for almost 5 hours while i have to make food for open day
yes dad you may all go and "rescue her" and come back not quite sober
yes parents you may shout at me for being upset that i'm stressed about all this and that mum can't have a social life the one night i really need help
yes i'm no longer the perfect daughter you had
yes i am subject to failing grades and threats of letters home
yes i do cut myself and that does give you a right to punish me for it

fucks sake

yes...i do put on odd shoes...

it's weird how different people react to the same situation...

so my parents are talking again which i spose i should be thankful for but they're pretending like nothing ever happened...yesterday they wouldn't even be in the same room as each other...and if i was with the other parents they wouldn't talk to me...but today they're talking normally again...but there's some form of fakeness there...

and like now i'm sitting here "what are you doing?" "nothing" "who are you talking to?" "louisa" "any homework..." "no" "then you can revise" "no" "why not?" "other things to do" "like what" "nothing important" "don't take that tone with me...i won't bother if you're going to give me that attitude" for goodness sake...

sorry if i've been despondent(sp?) today...i'm feeling rubbish and need to talk stuff through with people but i can't for fear of parents evening...

i hate it when my parents argue and mum takes the dog for a walk...then i can't hug him and make it all go away...

anyone want to tell me why Children in Need made me get quite teary this year? seems very emotive this year...

buy me:

http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/stocking-fillers-over-three-pounds/mini-punch-ball.html
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/gadgets/panic-button.html
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/stocking-fillers-up-to-one-pound-fifty/spare-computer-keys.html

or kill my parents...

but seriously...i can't believe in less than a month i have to do christmas...and i have no ideas what to get people...*panics* i'm really scared about everything...

bloody hell...i leave the table after finishing my dinner and take my plate and little plate out to the kitchen...planning on returning to get my drink...because i didn't have enough hands...i go back and my dad's drunk most of my bloody drink...for goodness sake...is nothing safe to be left for two seconds? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm sorry but how rude do people get...

sitting on the train...there's a purse on the floor...one of us asks the others if it's our purse...we're all like no...is it that woman's? woman turns round "if you gonna gossip about me at least do it to my face..." i say "sorry we were wondering is that your purse on the floor?" she says "i don't bloody care about that...don't talk about me behind my back!" i say "sorry but we were trying to..." woman gives us all evils then turns round to finish applying makeup using the window as a mirror...

argh...not one bad word about her...we just didn't want her to lose her purse then blame us for not telling her...grrrr

why do unis have their open days for departments on Wednesdays? i can't take any time off school to go...so i'm screwed...and my parents are like "skive for the day" but i don't want another fucking day off...i can't afford to miss so much time...ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and i take back what i said earlier about nothing ruining my good mood...

today i had a discussion with a friend of mine...not an uber close friend, but a friend nonetheless...about religion and stuff, but not an uber deep conversation, but how life can seem like there is a thornbush covering the road...and it really made me wonder about life and where I'm going eventually...random meaningful chatness methinks...

today's been a pretty good day though all in all, although i've done nothing all day...stupid week B wednesdays with no lessons...

and thanks to all those who've made me feel better these past few weeks...you've all really made me feel better even if i haven't seemed it =)

while doing bible study stuff last night, i came across this verse...

Ezekiel 23 v20:

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

yes it really does say that...

Remembrance Day...to most people it means nothing...to be honest to me it doesn't mean anything war-related to me...but it does make me remember everyone i've lost over the past year...Lesley, Graham and Alf...three people who meant quite a bit to me...

they were all heroes in their own way...Lesley battled with cancer for quite a while and actually went into remission at least once...Graham worked so hard for everything he got, he went through so many things and to be honest he survived that and only died through something he could no longer control...Alf was just generally brilliant...cared so much about the family...always stayed strong no matter how ill he was...all of them are amazing in their own way...

i know i'm being depressive, i know i'm living in the past...but at the moment the thought of this time next month i'll almost be going on holiday to end up in NZ...the place where my uncle spent the last twelve years...where he wanted us to live one day...absolutely terrifies me...i don't know whether i'll cope with it...i have to spend Christmas Day in a hotel with my parents...not with my uncle in his house as planned...it's making me tearful even thinking about it...i don't know how to approach it any more...i'm so so so scared...excuse me while i live in the past...at least i know what happens there...i can't cope with the future at the moment...

you know there's somethign wrong when:
-someone who lives 2 houses away comes up to you in the road and says "you've got taller...and lost a lot of weight" in the loudest voice possible...when it's obvious i'm still a short arse and am still rather fat...
-your parents don't sleep in the same room any more...
-you don't eat all week but the second the weekend rolls round you eat as if there's no tomorrow...
-you have cuts that you don't remember getting...

add my driving instructor to the list of people who hate me...i've eaten a proper meal for the first time since last Sunday...it's made me feel proper ill now though...miss vT likes my boots...that cheered me up a bit...i actually now look ill also...eurgh...walking into a room and everyone goes quiet...there's gotta be soemthing going wrong... Remembrance Assembly this morning was odd...not like it has been for the past 6 years...i didn't like it so much...my arm is a complete mess...and it hurts muchly too...i need to talk to someone about everything going on...but i if i go and say something i feel like i'm attention seeking...eurgh i feel so fat now...and i'm not gonna lose weight ever...this weekend shall be interesting...

me says:
i have no idea what's going on any more...
him says:
Convienent
me says:
i'm serious...i don't know what i've done...everyone seems to hate me and i haven't a clue what i've done
him says:
You've been you.
him says:
And from now on.. I don't like you.

as if my self esteem isn't already through the fucking floor...i don't know what to do anymore...my life is just not worth it when all i do is screw up...

so today i've eaten a slice of bread and a bag of maltesers...at least i've eaten something...i shouldn't have though...i hate people who make me talk about stuff i really don't want to...there's this one person who makes me tell her stuff i'd really rather not...and don't worry she's not reading this...hmmmmmmmmmmmm...my attention span is appalling...my mum's pretending nothing ever happened between us...it's frustrating...i'm stupidly stressed...i'm homronal(in case you haven't guessed)...have an essay due in tomorrow...a presentation to do...i'm gonna cry in assembly...only one university wants me and one person keeps rubbing it in that they have sodding interviews...shut the fuck up about it...i don't care you have three itnerviews with two on the same day...i'm screwing my life up so much...

i wish my mum would go away...seriously...i know i miss her like hell when she's not around...but seriously i don't want her here today...ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

so...having a bad day...uber stressed and have no idea how to answer "what's wrong?"...i don't know the answer...i've eaten too much today...one and a half teacakes and a few biscuits...that's more than i've eaten in total since sunday...it's rubbish...and i'm fat enough already...i hate this week...too many memories...1 year since my mum's friend died...Remembrance Service on Friday and Sunday...it's painful...teachers are all like "we don't know what stage we'll be at at Christmas" which is really annoying because i need to be doing the work now...not when i'm away...urgh stupidness...and my driving instructor is such an idiot..."i always have my foot o nthe clutch or you'd stall at every corner you turn"...glad to know he trusts me...and i'm apparently allowed to break the speed limit to get out of the way of police cars...i think not...my mum has decided i love my friends too much and do too much for them...the only reason for that is because it feels like my parents don't give a fuck about me any more...i hardly ever see them...mum only patronises me and check my arms to see if i've been "naughty"...the only time they've spoken to me today is to find out what my post is..."ooooh you got a letter from Reading! why are they sending you that? you haven't sent off your ucas form yet! is it an offer? do they seem welcoming? can we go visit?" shut the fuck up...it's my life not yours! i happen to tell someone one of our Guide leaders died at the start of the year...it suddenly hit me how little i had paid attention to the fact everyone i've lost is gone and i'll never get to see them or be with them again...my uncle will never hug me again...my mum's friend will never comfort me if mum goes to hospital again...my great uncle won't come for christmas and give us the most random presents...i seriously miss people...if my close friends ever go i don't hoenstly know what i'll do...i can't cope with this...i'm standing in the shower in the morning thinking "that vein looks quite big...i wonder what would happen if i cut it..."...and for goodness sake if you've taught me for four years you should know my fecking name by now...i'm not Liz...I'm not Victoria...I'm Becca...please just once get it right...and don't put me in a fecking group with people who hate me and won't talk to me...because then i don't do the work and i'll fail because i don't understand...argh...i can't believe i'm telling this to an internet page...

about 2 years ago, my form tutor gave us this poem...i don't remember why she gave it to us or anything but since then it's always stuck in my head...i actually love this poem by Ruyard Kipling...i'm not quite sure why, but that's not the point...

If

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

stop playing cancer adverts at me!!!!!!!!!!!! tomorrow shall be incredibly hard...it'll mark a year since my mum's friend died, a year since my "second mum" died, a year since i first experienced death and understood it, a year since everything changed for me completely, a year since i realised you can't go through life thinking "that'll never happen to me", a year since i started to learn who really matters in my life...

please don't hurt me if i'm not quite right for the rest of this week...