there's actually times i want to kill my mother...no wait that's all the time...

i might be excited but deep down i'm terrified...what if i don't make friends? what if i don't have fun? what if i don't keep up to date with my work? what if i don't fit in when i come back to school? what if i give in again?

i'm starting to live my life by what ifs it's not a good thing...

so i was meant to see vT before i hit the ceiling and she had to scrape me off...well she won't have to scrape me off the ceiling this time round...i've gone straight through it instead...uh-oh

a summary of this evening:

-i have no confidence
-i've gone backwards since GCSE
-i freeze when people mention "oxidation numbers" and "biology"
-i should practice stres-relief techniques
-i should learn how to breathe
-i need to talk more in lessons
-i need to out-talk Coral
-i need to challenge other people in my class
-no-one knows how i have a pathetic effort grade in Chemistry
-i need to stop beating myself up mentally and physically
-i need to stop labelling my mother as the person putting pressure on myself
-i need to get all my teachers' email adresses
-i need to stop making vT jealous of me going away...wait...no i don't =P

yeah that's all...

i'm a awful friend...

today's my uncle's birthday...or it would have been...i miss him more than i thought i did...

quotes of the day:

-"'the slave girl pleases the cook' that's a bit dodgy isn't it, unless we translated it wrong?" ->the mother of a year 7, while the year 7 was going "yeah it was!"
-"your balls are going well becca" -> miss dugdale
-"my balls have all gone!" -> me to hannah
-"do you want a date?" "no thanks, i'm not single" -> at least two people have said this...
-""this is latin"..."AND CLASSICAL CIVILISATION" -> said many times throughout the morning by me and Erin
-"you don't have to try any food if you don't want to" "YES YOU DO!" -> parents/guides replied to by me and Erin

on the other hand no-one has said "becca...top!" today...maybe because i stuck my top to me with my name label =P

yeah t-has been rather good =)

i'm well on the beginners guide to our school discussing lily getting sellotape stuck in her hair muahahahahaha i'm cool...or not...

today's been good...i love helping at school *geek*, i've learnt lots about how much i need to do latin at some point and i've bought 3 people's christmas presents methinks...=) but i didn't get to see the small Leo =( but i got a chocolate finger and jelly baby instead =) but now i just want to curl up and cry...not too sure why

yes mum you may fuck off down the pub for almost 5 hours while i have to make food for open day
yes dad you may all go and "rescue her" and come back not quite sober
yes parents you may shout at me for being upset that i'm stressed about all this and that mum can't have a social life the one night i really need help
yes i'm no longer the perfect daughter you had
yes i am subject to failing grades and threats of letters home
yes i do cut myself and that does give you a right to punish me for it

fucks sake

yes...i do put on odd shoes...

it's weird how different people react to the same situation...

so my parents are talking again which i spose i should be thankful for but they're pretending like nothing ever happened...yesterday they wouldn't even be in the same room as each other...and if i was with the other parents they wouldn't talk to me...but today they're talking normally again...but there's some form of fakeness there...

and like now i'm sitting here "what are you doing?" "nothing" "who are you talking to?" "louisa" "any homework..." "no" "then you can revise" "no" "why not?" "other things to do" "like what" "nothing important" "don't take that tone with me...i won't bother if you're going to give me that attitude" for goodness sake...

sorry if i've been despondent(sp?) today...i'm feeling rubbish and need to talk stuff through with people but i can't for fear of parents evening...

i hate it when my parents argue and mum takes the dog for a walk...then i can't hug him and make it all go away...

anyone want to tell me why Children in Need made me get quite teary this year? seems very emotive this year...

buy me:

http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/stocking-fillers-over-three-pounds/mini-punch-ball.html
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/gadgets/panic-button.html
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/stocking-fillers-up-to-one-pound-fifty/spare-computer-keys.html

or kill my parents...

but seriously...i can't believe in less than a month i have to do christmas...and i have no ideas what to get people...*panics* i'm really scared about everything...

bloody hell...i leave the table after finishing my dinner and take my plate and little plate out to the kitchen...planning on returning to get my drink...because i didn't have enough hands...i go back and my dad's drunk most of my bloody drink...for goodness sake...is nothing safe to be left for two seconds? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm sorry but how rude do people get...

sitting on the train...there's a purse on the floor...one of us asks the others if it's our purse...we're all like no...is it that woman's? woman turns round "if you gonna gossip about me at least do it to my face..." i say "sorry we were wondering is that your purse on the floor?" she says "i don't bloody care about that...don't talk about me behind my back!" i say "sorry but we were trying to..." woman gives us all evils then turns round to finish applying makeup using the window as a mirror...

argh...not one bad word about her...we just didn't want her to lose her purse then blame us for not telling her...grrrr

why do unis have their open days for departments on Wednesdays? i can't take any time off school to go...so i'm screwed...and my parents are like "skive for the day" but i don't want another fucking day off...i can't afford to miss so much time...ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and i take back what i said earlier about nothing ruining my good mood...

today i had a discussion with a friend of mine...not an uber close friend, but a friend nonetheless...about religion and stuff, but not an uber deep conversation, but how life can seem like there is a thornbush covering the road...and it really made me wonder about life and where I'm going eventually...random meaningful chatness methinks...

today's been a pretty good day though all in all, although i've done nothing all day...stupid week B wednesdays with no lessons...

and thanks to all those who've made me feel better these past few weeks...you've all really made me feel better even if i haven't seemed it =)

while doing bible study stuff last night, i came across this verse...

Ezekiel 23 v20:

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

yes it really does say that...

Remembrance Day...to most people it means nothing...to be honest to me it doesn't mean anything war-related to me...but it does make me remember everyone i've lost over the past year...Lesley, Graham and Alf...three people who meant quite a bit to me...

they were all heroes in their own way...Lesley battled with cancer for quite a while and actually went into remission at least once...Graham worked so hard for everything he got, he went through so many things and to be honest he survived that and only died through something he could no longer control...Alf was just generally brilliant...cared so much about the family...always stayed strong no matter how ill he was...all of them are amazing in their own way...

i know i'm being depressive, i know i'm living in the past...but at the moment the thought of this time next month i'll almost be going on holiday to end up in NZ...the place where my uncle spent the last twelve years...where he wanted us to live one day...absolutely terrifies me...i don't know whether i'll cope with it...i have to spend Christmas Day in a hotel with my parents...not with my uncle in his house as planned...it's making me tearful even thinking about it...i don't know how to approach it any more...i'm so so so scared...excuse me while i live in the past...at least i know what happens there...i can't cope with the future at the moment...