i'm home and i also just discovered i'm totally skiving off school on Thursday...i actually have the time to go in but i'm not...ooops but ssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

coming home tomorrow afternoon...yaye!

having a major classics overload, and i don't seem to be able to make friends at all...this is making me panic more and generally therefore i get stress headaches and so i cannot focus properly and it takes all my effort to stay awake in lectures and all i really want to do is curl up in bed and sleep/cry all day and i miss all my friends muchly and i'm not going to see them until at least 10th december and i want to go home and yesterday i spent the day at the british museum(somewhere the classics class should go) wondering how easy it would be for me to sneak home again...and i'm worried by the fact everyone has so much background knowledge and all we literally know are the texts and nothing to accompany that and they all ask when my oxbridge interview is and then comes to awkward "i'm not clever enough" mumble and so the conversation dies and awkward silences take over...someone rescue me?

apart from that i'm learning loads of new stuff and it's a good experience...

there's a time where you have to take a step back and think..."am i making a mistake with this? will it really make everything good in the long run?" often the answer is "yes" then "no"

hmmmm sometimes guys worry me slightly...especially when they're not bad looking *shifty eyes*

*happy happy happy* in a weird "i don't know how i'm feeling really" way

there's actually times i want to kill my mother...no wait that's all the time...

i might be excited but deep down i'm terrified...what if i don't make friends? what if i don't have fun? what if i don't keep up to date with my work? what if i don't fit in when i come back to school? what if i give in again?

i'm starting to live my life by what ifs it's not a good thing...

so i was meant to see vT before i hit the ceiling and she had to scrape me off...well she won't have to scrape me off the ceiling this time round...i've gone straight through it instead...uh-oh

a summary of this evening:

-i have no confidence
-i've gone backwards since GCSE
-i freeze when people mention "oxidation numbers" and "biology"
-i should practice stres-relief techniques
-i should learn how to breathe
-i need to talk more in lessons
-i need to out-talk Coral
-i need to challenge other people in my class
-no-one knows how i have a pathetic effort grade in Chemistry
-i need to stop beating myself up mentally and physically
-i need to stop labelling my mother as the person putting pressure on myself
-i need to get all my teachers' email adresses
-i need to stop making vT jealous of me going away...wait...no i don't =P

yeah that's all...

i'm a awful friend...

today's my uncle's birthday...or it would have been...i miss him more than i thought i did...

quotes of the day:

-"'the slave girl pleases the cook' that's a bit dodgy isn't it, unless we translated it wrong?" ->the mother of a year 7, while the year 7 was going "yeah it was!"
-"your balls are going well becca" -> miss dugdale
-"my balls have all gone!" -> me to hannah
-"do you want a date?" "no thanks, i'm not single" -> at least two people have said this...
-""this is latin"..."AND CLASSICAL CIVILISATION" -> said many times throughout the morning by me and Erin
-"you don't have to try any food if you don't want to" "YES YOU DO!" -> parents/guides replied to by me and Erin

on the other hand no-one has said "becca...top!" today...maybe because i stuck my top to me with my name label =P

yeah t-has been rather good =)

i'm well on the beginners guide to our school discussing lily getting sellotape stuck in her hair muahahahahaha i'm cool...or not...

today's been good...i love helping at school *geek*, i've learnt lots about how much i need to do latin at some point and i've bought 3 people's christmas presents methinks...=) but i didn't get to see the small Leo =( but i got a chocolate finger and jelly baby instead =) but now i just want to curl up and cry...not too sure why

yes mum you may fuck off down the pub for almost 5 hours while i have to make food for open day
yes dad you may all go and "rescue her" and come back not quite sober
yes parents you may shout at me for being upset that i'm stressed about all this and that mum can't have a social life the one night i really need help
yes i'm no longer the perfect daughter you had
yes i am subject to failing grades and threats of letters home
yes i do cut myself and that does give you a right to punish me for it

fucks sake

yes...i do put on odd shoes...

it's weird how different people react to the same situation...

so my parents are talking again which i spose i should be thankful for but they're pretending like nothing ever happened...yesterday they wouldn't even be in the same room as each other...and if i was with the other parents they wouldn't talk to me...but today they're talking normally again...but there's some form of fakeness there...

and like now i'm sitting here "what are you doing?" "nothing" "who are you talking to?" "louisa" "any homework..." "no" "then you can revise" "no" "why not?" "other things to do" "like what" "nothing important" "don't take that tone with me...i won't bother if you're going to give me that attitude" for goodness sake...

sorry if i've been despondent(sp?) today...i'm feeling rubbish and need to talk stuff through with people but i can't for fear of parents evening...

i hate it when my parents argue and mum takes the dog for a walk...then i can't hug him and make it all go away...

anyone want to tell me why Children in Need made me get quite teary this year? seems very emotive this year...

buy me:

http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/stocking-fillers-over-three-pounds/mini-punch-ball.html
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/gadgets/panic-button.html
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/stocking-fillers-up-to-one-pound-fifty/spare-computer-keys.html

or kill my parents...

but seriously...i can't believe in less than a month i have to do christmas...and i have no ideas what to get people...*panics* i'm really scared about everything...