mum told me i won't be going on holiday if i don't have anything in my suitcase...maybe i should just not pack then?

just knowing someone's there if you need them is a comfort...when they're not there the world seems different...

i'm back somewhere i'd never thought i'd go again...and i don't like it...i'm frightened...

i hate trying my hardest, getting something i want and then the parents(specifically one's mother) go and use that tone like "you can do this, but why the hell can't you do well at school?"...someone commented to me "you didn't sound as pleased" but that's because i don't know how to react to anything anymore...i do badly at school "nevermind" with that otne of "you could try harder" i do well at school "well done" with the forced tone of "i shouldn't be so happy about something so small" and then i spend 4 hours in gravesend in a pouring rain and i'm shattered and feel really ill and freezing "what do you want for dinner?" "i'm not that hungry, i don't..." "well suit yourself then" and *goes to medicine cupboard* "why are you in there?" "becasuse i don't feel well" "that's your fault" "i've been out in the rain for ages" "well get over it i used to have to walk in the rain..." for goodness sake...i just wanna cry and be hugged but there's no-one...

two things i learnt yesterday...

-there was Greek statue called Aprhodite of Knidos and when it used to be in it's little temple thingy, there were stories that men used to sneak in at night and have sex with the statue, not realising it was made of stone
-Cambridge Uni library has every book published in the country...and at the top of the tower is the pornography section...the tower does not look the best shape in the dark...

learnt at some point this week...

Catullus carmen 16 is always a good poem also...and sparrow is apparently a metaphor...hmmmm
i also have "erotic" "phallic" "sex" and a few other similar words written in my notes many times...oh dearie...

i don't know whether i enjoyed the classics course...it was a good experience, i learnt lots but i can't say i truly had fun...i know classics isn't meant to be uber fun but still...it's really confused me...maybe this is God's way of telling me that i shouldn't go to uni, that all i'll do is fail, that i should do something else...i don't know...

and i'm terrified about going on holiday...more so than i was going on this course...i don't know if i'm ready to go out there again...

i'm home and i also just discovered i'm totally skiving off school on Thursday...i actually have the time to go in but i'm not...ooops but ssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

coming home tomorrow afternoon...yaye!

having a major classics overload, and i don't seem to be able to make friends at all...this is making me panic more and generally therefore i get stress headaches and so i cannot focus properly and it takes all my effort to stay awake in lectures and all i really want to do is curl up in bed and sleep/cry all day and i miss all my friends muchly and i'm not going to see them until at least 10th december and i want to go home and yesterday i spent the day at the british museum(somewhere the classics class should go) wondering how easy it would be for me to sneak home again...and i'm worried by the fact everyone has so much background knowledge and all we literally know are the texts and nothing to accompany that and they all ask when my oxbridge interview is and then comes to awkward "i'm not clever enough" mumble and so the conversation dies and awkward silences take over...someone rescue me?

apart from that i'm learning loads of new stuff and it's a good experience...

there's a time where you have to take a step back and think..."am i making a mistake with this? will it really make everything good in the long run?" often the answer is "yes" then "no"

hmmmm sometimes guys worry me slightly...especially when they're not bad looking *shifty eyes*

*happy happy happy* in a weird "i don't know how i'm feeling really" way

there's actually times i want to kill my mother...no wait that's all the time...

i might be excited but deep down i'm terrified...what if i don't make friends? what if i don't have fun? what if i don't keep up to date with my work? what if i don't fit in when i come back to school? what if i give in again?

i'm starting to live my life by what ifs it's not a good thing...

so i was meant to see vT before i hit the ceiling and she had to scrape me off...well she won't have to scrape me off the ceiling this time round...i've gone straight through it instead...uh-oh

a summary of this evening:

-i have no confidence
-i've gone backwards since GCSE
-i freeze when people mention "oxidation numbers" and "biology"
-i should practice stres-relief techniques
-i should learn how to breathe
-i need to talk more in lessons
-i need to out-talk Coral
-i need to challenge other people in my class
-no-one knows how i have a pathetic effort grade in Chemistry
-i need to stop beating myself up mentally and physically
-i need to stop labelling my mother as the person putting pressure on myself
-i need to get all my teachers' email adresses
-i need to stop making vT jealous of me going away...wait...no i don't =P

yeah that's all...

i'm a awful friend...

today's my uncle's birthday...or it would have been...i miss him more than i thought i did...

quotes of the day:

-"'the slave girl pleases the cook' that's a bit dodgy isn't it, unless we translated it wrong?" ->the mother of a year 7, while the year 7 was going "yeah it was!"
-"your balls are going well becca" -> miss dugdale
-"my balls have all gone!" -> me to hannah
-"do you want a date?" "no thanks, i'm not single" -> at least two people have said this...
-""this is latin"..."AND CLASSICAL CIVILISATION" -> said many times throughout the morning by me and Erin
-"you don't have to try any food if you don't want to" "YES YOU DO!" -> parents/guides replied to by me and Erin

on the other hand no-one has said "becca...top!" today...maybe because i stuck my top to me with my name label =P

yeah t-has been rather good =)

i'm well on the beginners guide to our school discussing lily getting sellotape stuck in her hair muahahahahaha i'm cool...or not...

today's been good...i love helping at school *geek*, i've learnt lots about how much i need to do latin at some point and i've bought 3 people's christmas presents methinks...=) but i didn't get to see the small Leo =( but i got a chocolate finger and jelly baby instead =) but now i just want to curl up and cry...not too sure why

yes mum you may fuck off down the pub for almost 5 hours while i have to make food for open day
yes dad you may all go and "rescue her" and come back not quite sober
yes parents you may shout at me for being upset that i'm stressed about all this and that mum can't have a social life the one night i really need help
yes i'm no longer the perfect daughter you had
yes i am subject to failing grades and threats of letters home
yes i do cut myself and that does give you a right to punish me for it

fucks sake