You can love someone and not be with them. I am now content with being apart from him, and I am no longer pursuing him.... That's right people, I'm finally over it. Who woulda thunk? lol

I wonder who'll win, and I'm no so certain all of the players has a chance. Perhaps only time will tell.

All of my deleted diary entries, which I'm reposting for archival purposes.

545664
Written about Friday 2005-04-08
Written:2005-04-08 17:36:05
he makes my heart beat faster, i cant picture life with out him, i love him so, he's dear to me i am nothing but his... with out him am nothing.. i know nothing. rob is the blood in my veins, the thoughts in my head and the air in my lungs. With out rob, my heart becomes ice, my mind nothing and i slowl smother, longing for his words of love
you mean more to me than anything else rob!
~loverboy
532368
Written about Saturday 2005-03-26
Written:2005-03-26 06:15:04
I finally know what I want! I"m not confused anymore. I use to just think I wanted it but now i know for sure! I'll have to wait and see how things go....
531266
Written about Thursday 2005-03-24
Written:2005-03-24 23:44:13
Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered, powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see, being fire you are quite strong and powerful, people look up to you greatly and often seek your protection. You have the ability to gain many friends and you are always one people can count on to do what you say you will do. You are extremely loyal be it friends or family you'll stick up for them and you are never willing to put them in a position that could hurt them. You know what roll you play in life, leader, and you intend to let people know it. Not everyone is capable of leadership but you certainly have the willpower and flare to do it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself, one that can often lead you into trouble. Once your mind is made up there is no changing it but no one said that was a bad thing.
529597
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-22
Written:2005-03-22 22:28:46
today was a good hehe i liked it and had lots of fun.
527282
Written about Sunday 2005-03-20
Written:2005-03-20 14:04:19
There comes a time when we have to move on, and not look back to the past.... I'm not there yet, but will be soon.
526692
Written about Saturday 2005-03-19
Written:2005-03-19 16:20:57
I'm in a good mood today, I don't feel like crying... I'm not hurting... it's all great! I got to talk to jesse for the first time in a LONG time and that made me happy ^_^ Of course, it's only ten AM and i got up less than an hour ago... hope the whole day is good
522655
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-15
Written:2005-03-15 13:09:49
I'd be happyas his toy... as nothing more than something to play with... if only i can be in his arms, hug him, kiss him, touch him.... i want to be with him, spend time with him, see him... i love rob.... i wish i could have him back.... if i had half a chance i'd jump on it.... if he asked, i'd say yes.... i am his and i know it... there's no maybe to it.... I want to marry that boy (even though we cant get married in this country *tear) i just want him, all of him to be mine because i am all his....
522652
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-15
Written:2005-03-15 12:58:41
The leaking has stopped, and now i cry only on the inside... how long that'll lst i dont know. I can't understand why these things happen... it's not fair. I'm not going to wallow in depression, anger and self pity though. I'll miss blaze.... i kinda already do.

Okay, I finally know what, or rather who i want.... i want my rob, i'll do anything to get him back. i love him.... i've actually tried to date one or two people.... but it doesnt last... because of me... I'm not going to even try and date anyone anymore.... i just keep hurting boys that are good friends.... i dont want to lose anymore friends... or hurt them. *sigh* Oh well, I only have me to blame. If you're one of those boys, who i know dont want to talk to me, then i'm sorry.
522651
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-15
Written:2005-03-15 12:58:25
The leaking has stopped, and now i cry only on the inside... how long that'll lst i dont know. I can't understand why these things happen... it's not fair. I'm not going to wallow in depression, anger and self pity though. I'll miss blaze.... i kinda already do.

Okay, I finally know what, or rather who i want.... i want my rob, i'll do anything to get him back. i love him.... i've actually tried to date one or two people.... but it doesnt last... because of me... I'm not going to even try and date anyone anymore.... i just keep hurting boys that are good friends.... i dont want to lose anymore friends... or hurt them. *sigh* Oh well, I only have me to blame. If you're one of those boys, who i know dont want to talk to me, then i'm sorry.
521567
Written about Monday 2005-03-14
Written:2005-03-14 00:57:09
Ok, i'm an asshole. I hate me...No i dont want pity, it's all my fault... I thought it'd work i thought it could happen... i didnt think it through. I worried it was displaced feelings, looks like i was right. Now i'm hurting him, he doesnt deserve this. He deserves happiness and the best. it's my fault... for loving rob. Why cant you control who you love... I have some feelings for jay, but i think rob is my true love.... I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole. I hate hurting people. Hard to tell...
519722
Written about Saturday 2005-03-12
Written:2005-03-12 01:24:54
Once again I am falling in love with one of my friends' exes.... He's the most awesome guy. And once again I hurt someone i love while trying not to hurt him. If he reads this, I'm sorry..... God I hate it when I do that. On the plus side, i had a pretty decent day otherwise. WHOO HOO!
504540
Written about Thursday 2005-02-24
Written:2005-02-24 02:04:53
Okay, I'd mention the recent loss of dead weight in my life but I like to keep only important things in my diary. I'm mostly writing this to tell my friends, I miss you! and thanks for being such great, trustworthy, worthwhile friends! If we havent talked in a while then i'm sorry, message me!
500074
Written about Saturday 2005-02-19
Written:2005-02-19 06:04:49
Today was pretty much a dull day. The usual things went to school, talked to friends, etc. I met a pretty cool dude today [Raven_Dark <member.html?n=1124238626&membernr=20278>] hopefully we'll end up friends.. Rob is moving next month, I'm not looking forward to that.... Oh well "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or so said someone that tried to comfort me. I'm not all mopey but I'll miss him. LOL why do I act like I won't make the decision? I've already done it. Everyoen reading this probably knows I"m going to stay with that boy...
498050
Written about Thursday 2005-02-17
Written:2005-02-17 01:46:38
OK, I"m annoyed right now, I dont want to pick, he doesnt want to pick. Neither of us should have to decide alone.... Hopefully he'll realise that we have to discuss it or no decision will be made (unless one of us caves).... Sigh yeah.... UM er ok im done for now
496911
Written about Tuesday 2005-02-15
Written:2005-02-15 22:29:37
I love you Rob!!! Anyway, today was an okay day I guess.... Hm... Yeah that's it. Hope I get to see my sexy man soon. He's the greatest person ever! He's nice, kind, humble and considerate. He's absolutely PERFECT. On top of that he's superlatively HOTT!!! I may exbound on that, as he'd say, later....
495873
Written about Monday 2005-02-14
Written:2005-02-14 22:57:07
I went to bed last night and I started to think about the fact that my Rob was leaving soon. My eyes began to water so I stopped thinking about him, as best I could anyway. I began to realise that I love him a lot more than I'd let myself admit before. I dont want to think about the fact he'll be gone soon, it makes me sad and want to die. But someday things'll change and we'll be together, I just know it. "Things change..." whether for better or worse things change.... I'll try to think of the plus side to this but so far I've got nothing.

I'll write this because i know you'll read this i'm going to say: I love you Rob, i love you so much.... I hope we make it to "'till death do us part..." I'll always be your Loverboy!!!
494582
Written about Sunday 2005-02-13
Written:2005-02-13 18:54:28
Ok, I try not to think about it and I dont think it shows but I'm kinda dissappointed and sad that Rob's leaving. Blaze too of course but I'm especially disappointed about him. I remember the last time he few times he was more than one state away. I was very depressed, and a little pissed at Blaze. I love you Blaze! I guess it's a good thing I didnt see him so much, now it won't hurt so much... maybe. it wont feel so different.....maybe. Who am I lying to? I'm going to really miss that boy! Rob said we could break it off temporarly, and that he'd understand. To be honest i thought ther same thing but in my case it was because i thought he might wanna take a break. I dont wanna, i want him to be MINE, forever. I love him, I really do. At least i know it's not permanant, i'll see him sometimes and i know he'll be coming back...eventually or maybe i could move there.... that'd be a long time from now though.... YEAH.... i wonder what Jess is up to... i think i'll call and see if she's home.

Dedicated to rob:

I fucked it up again
It's all gone away
My heart is torn again
The tears don't fall away

I want you to be
To be my own
I want you
To turn my heart from stone
To wipe the hidden tears
To make me your own
I want you to be my own

I'm in this chamber, with it's many doors
Wondering which will make me eternally yours
I just need to lift my eyes
And let myself see
See the truth, see reality

I want you to be
To be my own
I want you
To turn my heart from stone
To wipe the hidden tears
To make me your own
I want you to be my own