Getting back up

After all the mass confusion and anger. You find stanma once again. School is approacing it will do me good. Can't help bu be a little more nervous though. Still once you hit bottom the only other way to go is up.

Aftershock

Well here it is, after the total flame out. I know my dad is still in internal turmoil but he is brave. Drugs really do mess up your head, and I am not talking about cigs but the more deadly substances like ecstacy and meth. I am not about to preach how one should live, but there are more then just you to consider. I realize that our paths aren't so easy to pick out. Emotions such as anger, hate, and despair get in the way of ones purest ambition. All of us has the same longing to have someone to love us and vice versa. Which is why we need to make friendships, take chances and see where it leads us, there is no already drawn out map. One has to take the signs and choose a direction then god or other diety you believe in will guide you on. Subtle signs are all around us but most need to see a big change before believeing. But now I stand here in the aftershock.

Confused

My poor dad has been compasionate to my sister. But my sister just tore his heart out tonight when she said stuff that was not true. It all has made my head completely numb. It is better that I keep everyone at a safe distance because this growing pain is contagious.After all that my sister is done it has left me confused.

Outcasts

It seems like I just keep messing up. I'm suppose to be an adult but it just seems like I'm still a child. My brother keeps telling me that I can do what I want and take resonpsiblity. Everytime I feel like I take a step forward, I end up in two steps back. Even though I'm suppose to be smart and reliable. I made a mistake and now I'm starring at a brused heart. I told the truth but I still feel really bad, and I'm sure if I lied it wouldn't have made things any easier. I constantly seem to be letting people down. I'm affraid that I won't get to go to class this semester. MY head is hurting with all this baggage I'm holding in. I'm stuck feeling like a fool and an outcast.

This new year has started out with choppy waters, but a transformation has begun.

It's ok to be different, our different ideas may actually lead us to a life changing decision.

I'm an outcast, amoung the "normal" people.

Bitter Emotions

I am not sure what is up or down
I digest each emotion and drown in silence
I say that I will be alright
The truth is I am filled with fright

Now as I embark on a journey to being a woman
I look back on each bitter omen
Each connection is more confusing then the last
Funny how most say that life goes fast

Feeling these emotions I wonder if I am even living
I have spent so many years giving
All I get in return is confusion about these puzzled
As I try to shift through the damage I am muzzled

it's funny how disasters tend to shape you. It forces you to see that not everything is black and white. Sometimes the line between wrong and right are blurried. Since the day we were created we have been given free will and it is all up to us how we spend that will. If you so desire you will find a way to live the dream but the road is far from easy. We also need to find great friends to help us through this journey. Disaster opens the eyes to what really matters.

Thank you
Dedicated to my cat Wignston

I just lost a dear friend
However now I know true love does not have to end
He always was there for me when I was sad
Somehow he manage to help not feel so bad

My orange and white cat that stuck by me
Even when he stared death in the eye to hide his misery
I understand that once we pass childhood then nothing is just black and white, he clears my point of view
All I have to say is Thank you

Disaster of the Heart

I hear it beating but I am affraid to feel
I know it is saying make the uncertain deal
I am trapped between logic and intuition
I have no idea how I got in this position

I feel emotions but have no idea if it is real
I kneel towards these crazy emotions I feel
I hear that you take life on by the horns
I know that I somehow landed in a valley full of thorns

I know the hour is getting closer to it reveals
I am scared of what I feel
I hear that time will go faster
I face my disaster of the heart

Come March

I will be 19
Come March
I will be in my spring semester in college
Come March
I have lost my innocent veiw of life
Come March
I will keep going despite what hits me
Come March
Until the day I die
Come March

Can anybody truly love me?

I try to keep hope in my heart
Depsite the times my world seems to fall apart
My honest ways seems to be in the wrong
I can only think of depressing broken love songs

My family and my dear friends seem to understand me
Even though I often fall on my weak knee
The blissful kind of love is only a dream
I have no idea what it could possibly mean

Maybe I can stand on my own
Maybe I can become as strong as stone
I don't want to have people's sympathy
I want to know, Can anybody truly love me?

My prayer and wish

I wish for the pain for the family lessen
I pray that their hearts will remeber but not stop
I wish they wouldn't find their mind messin
I pray their hearts will rise to the top

I wish for them to know love is everywhere to help them
I pray that jesus will shed the light on the ones hurt
I wish for their lives to not seem so grim
I pray that love will continue from within

Remebering that Innocent Child
Dedication to Tyler Evans


When he and his mother came up here, he seemed a little clumsy but oh so sweet
I just watch him from afar and we just happen to meet
His toothy smile and shy expression as he held tight to his mother
I don't think I'll meet any other

He didn't talk much unless his mom was there
I just give him a friendly stare
He loved cars and football like any other small boys
He liked cars that were just play toys

Only starting to speak words in a small way
In my heart he will stay
He had to leave us so soon
I'll remeber him in the morning and noon

My dream

Many people dream about being famous and being a part of a scene
Others want to be planners of some grand scheme
Some want to be nurses or doctors to heal
Some want to do business and make the deal

Others want to go to heaven and touch gods face
Some give up their dreams and want to disappear with out a trace
My dream is very small and a little unique
I want to teach and start a spark that will protect kids in
their sleep

I want for kids to reach for a speical star
I want them to know that you can get it no matter how near or far
An educator who can help kids see that the world doesn't have to be a bad world to live in
The teacher that starts that one spark to go for a swim

My Revolutionary Journey

It starts when you trip and fall down hard
No amount sympathy can be placed in a card
It seemed unfair at first to get a scar
The road looks really rocky and far

You manage to get up but the pain remains
Now you're faced with the choice of giving up or walking the rough terrain
You try to reason through your options to find out where it is best to go
It really is hard to truly see all the factors and to know

So you go with the hardest path which is to go through the rough terrain
The sun beating on your battered head and not a single drop of rain
You strain your eyes to get some kind of idea of where you are going
Life has a funny way on giving a grand showing


After falling, drowning, and just plain wanting to hide
You find some sort of shelther for you to reside
Then you find the path doesn't seem so bad
It actually one of the most meaningful adventures you had

Endless Silence

It doesn't matter how hard I try
I still can't seem to fly
Maybe I need to heal inside of my dreams
I don't have any reason really to lie

I do stay silent and keep everything to myself
At night I have little restful sleep or peace of mind
I just show everyone my kind side to keep others happy
I do sometimes get snappy but it is easily concealed by a simple smile
I spend a long while in silence;my only communicator

Rain

It's the one element that cleanse my scared heart
Even when I feel like my world is coming apart
It helps me deal with the numbing effect of the unforgiving blade
Many people don't see what a blessing rain is compared to the tart taste of reality

It's the one thing that offers an escape from the blistering sun
I sometimes need to hide from those who know they have won
I pretend everything is so binide in my life
I face the sting of knowing too much

I will miss it when the time has come for me to say goodbye
I will embrace life without making up a petti alibi
I will let go all of my strive and pain that I will carry
I only wish to feel and hear the small chime of my lovely rain

My Silent Reqium

I hide the pain that I feel deep inside
I pretend everything is so benide
I smile through the tears I've cried
I laugh through the exsasperating emotion I've sighed

I hide the pain that I feel deep inside
I walk through my hearts rough terrain
I talk through the bitter emotion of disdain
I refuse to sulk in misery

I hide the pain that I feel deep inside
I deal with the hurt of others and offer a helping hand
I seal the emotions that aren't helpful to my self or others
I try not to abuse my abilites
I fly on hurt wings offering care and comfort to those who seek it

I hide the pain I feel deep inside
I creep in the shadows of truth and peace
I sleep with a restless mind reeling memories
I face the meal of my silent requiem

Forgiveness

The one thing that's really hard to do is forgive
Sure you can hold respect but to actually let go and live is a hard lesson to grasp.