Well it is my last day of class before spring break. I don't know what to expect but I will keep my spirits up.

Well I'm slowly beginning to feel the earth beneath my feet. I still have a ways to climb but I will make it. It just will take a while.

It's hard to stare at the truth. When you don't want to accept it. Love is one thing that leaves me into confusion. I have taught myself to use my head instead of my heart. It's not easy understanding the fine line between them. Leads to more pondering and hurting but in the end as of now...only have a few certainies that education is one of my loves that I can not brake. I need to know myself before I can accept that special partnership

Fear and tears

Through all the nights I spend alone
Wrestling and fighting trying to figure out things on my own
I don't want to feel empty inside
There are certain things I can not hide

I hate to lose or hurt a person I call a friend
I also can not use him for my selifish desire to begin
I'm sorry for the pain I have caused for a dear person
It is better this way it is a hard lesson

I still have such fear that makes me stay in my ivory tower
I feel the lords power but am scared to let a man in
I need someone who can face it and tell me that my life will soon begin
He needs to tell me to stop being stupid but also be understanding that wounds take time
I hope to see the loving sign someday, and someone who will love me dear
That will face and kiss away my tears and fears.

It's my birthday hurray. Not really much to say.

hmm so much to ponder about but we tend to worry too much.

When the smoke disappears you find out exactly how much you are left with. Then you have a choice to either just lay there and willow in self pity or you can get back up.

Why is it when you try to have voice in anything it always seems wrong? I try to do right but I always end up making my brother yell or get angry. I hear people say I need to speak out more but it's hard to do when you are trying to understand why things should be done in an exact order and the person you are trying to communicate with only bites your tongue with harsh phrases or tell you to just not worry about it. I feel like I'm trapped in this box and I get frustrated because my voice means nothing and it only triggers anger in my brother. Sometimes even in my own father. So where does that leave me? Where do I belong? Why can't I speak without someone wanting to spit fire back at me? Egg shells is what I live to walk on. I know I can be complicated but I want to at least understand the reasons. I guess I should not even try because I'm so imperfect and only cause my brother to feel like he has to defend himself.

How do you deal with cold hard facts without braking down?

Well it has been an intersting day but I still have some soul searching to go through...life is hard. Oh well get a helmet and prepare for a long journey.

Always the late bloomer


Everything I do is always either too much or too little. It's funny how everything works in a specific order. It's hurtful when your own father asked you WHY DO I ALWAYS KNOW IT IS BETTER FOR ME TO LOOK MYSELF! I know that I have messed up today again and again but that is enough to make me scream WHY DO I EVEN TRY! I silence my impluse by allowing the words to hit me all at once. Why is it so predictable why? I should have known better then to feel like I have some cofidence but oh well...back to square one.

well I survived my second week of class. I believe I will survive just have to keep working. Today was really strange...I get pulled over by a police car...but it was not something I did just about stuff on the car. Then this begger wanted some money and my mind is shot anyway...oh well.

Its snowy and it was another busy day. Oh well it will be alright. Today I learned a little bit about snow driving. My dad is really kind but has a lot to deal with.

Whew this semester is going to be a demanding one. But it is not an impossible task to get through. Just have to swallow pride and take the challenge on...

It has been an interesting day but I still have school to work on but I will find away. Just have to realize what's important and what's not.

School the healing force.

Well I've started school and it seems to have a nice healing effect. I LOVE EDUCATION! It is the one force that I can balance my mind. I know I have to pave my own road and I'll face all my demons to be the best teacher I can be.

Accomplished

YAY I FINALLY WENT THROUGH A DAY I'VE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING!

Getting back up

After all the mass confusion and anger. You find stanma once again. School is approacing it will do me good. Can't help bu be a little more nervous though. Still once you hit bottom the only other way to go is up.

Aftershock

Well here it is, after the total flame out. I know my dad is still in internal turmoil but he is brave. Drugs really do mess up your head, and I am not talking about cigs but the more deadly substances like ecstacy and meth. I am not about to preach how one should live, but there are more then just you to consider. I realize that our paths aren't so easy to pick out. Emotions such as anger, hate, and despair get in the way of ones purest ambition. All of us has the same longing to have someone to love us and vice versa. Which is why we need to make friendships, take chances and see where it leads us, there is no already drawn out map. One has to take the signs and choose a direction then god or other diety you believe in will guide you on. Subtle signs are all around us but most need to see a big change before believeing. But now I stand here in the aftershock.

Confused

My poor dad has been compasionate to my sister. But my sister just tore his heart out tonight when she said stuff that was not true. It all has made my head completely numb. It is better that I keep everyone at a safe distance because this growing pain is contagious.After all that my sister is done it has left me confused.

Outcasts

It seems like I just keep messing up. I'm suppose to be an adult but it just seems like I'm still a child. My brother keeps telling me that I can do what I want and take resonpsiblity. Everytime I feel like I take a step forward, I end up in two steps back. Even though I'm suppose to be smart and reliable. I made a mistake and now I'm starring at a brused heart. I told the truth but I still feel really bad, and I'm sure if I lied it wouldn't have made things any easier. I constantly seem to be letting people down. I'm affraid that I won't get to go to class this semester. MY head is hurting with all this baggage I'm holding in. I'm stuck feeling like a fool and an outcast.