Well its funny to hear an english professor tell you that you have good ideas but you have a hard time writting them down on paper..Oh well just have to work harder.

Stupid girl

I look in the mirror and see a face split into three places
I can't tell which one is real
My head is spinning so much information.
Even though I feel more knowledge getting into my head.
I still feel really stupid.

Its hard feeling everything. It seems like a waste of time but it does has its purpose somewhere in the fine line.

Konsite densit quiten sara uneter
slendes regresars hitenie
Densute regresars luminte
Salonde internte

It's funny how fate can drop kick you instantly. Oh well I'm slowly climbing back up the education latter. Maybe I can start to trust my heart. For now I got to take it one day at a time.

Well it is my last day of class before spring break. I don't know what to expect but I will keep my spirits up.

Well I'm slowly beginning to feel the earth beneath my feet. I still have a ways to climb but I will make it. It just will take a while.

It's hard to stare at the truth. When you don't want to accept it. Love is one thing that leaves me into confusion. I have taught myself to use my head instead of my heart. It's not easy understanding the fine line between them. Leads to more pondering and hurting but in the end as of now...only have a few certainies that education is one of my loves that I can not brake. I need to know myself before I can accept that special partnership

Fear and tears

Through all the nights I spend alone
Wrestling and fighting trying to figure out things on my own
I don't want to feel empty inside
There are certain things I can not hide

I hate to lose or hurt a person I call a friend
I also can not use him for my selifish desire to begin
I'm sorry for the pain I have caused for a dear person
It is better this way it is a hard lesson

I still have such fear that makes me stay in my ivory tower
I feel the lords power but am scared to let a man in
I need someone who can face it and tell me that my life will soon begin
He needs to tell me to stop being stupid but also be understanding that wounds take time
I hope to see the loving sign someday, and someone who will love me dear
That will face and kiss away my tears and fears.

It's my birthday hurray. Not really much to say.

hmm so much to ponder about but we tend to worry too much.

When the smoke disappears you find out exactly how much you are left with. Then you have a choice to either just lay there and willow in self pity or you can get back up.

Why is it when you try to have voice in anything it always seems wrong? I try to do right but I always end up making my brother yell or get angry. I hear people say I need to speak out more but it's hard to do when you are trying to understand why things should be done in an exact order and the person you are trying to communicate with only bites your tongue with harsh phrases or tell you to just not worry about it. I feel like I'm trapped in this box and I get frustrated because my voice means nothing and it only triggers anger in my brother. Sometimes even in my own father. So where does that leave me? Where do I belong? Why can't I speak without someone wanting to spit fire back at me? Egg shells is what I live to walk on. I know I can be complicated but I want to at least understand the reasons. I guess I should not even try because I'm so imperfect and only cause my brother to feel like he has to defend himself.

How do you deal with cold hard facts without braking down?

Well it has been an intersting day but I still have some soul searching to go through...life is hard. Oh well get a helmet and prepare for a long journey.

Always the late bloomer


Everything I do is always either too much or too little. It's funny how everything works in a specific order. It's hurtful when your own father asked you WHY DO I ALWAYS KNOW IT IS BETTER FOR ME TO LOOK MYSELF! I know that I have messed up today again and again but that is enough to make me scream WHY DO I EVEN TRY! I silence my impluse by allowing the words to hit me all at once. Why is it so predictable why? I should have known better then to feel like I have some cofidence but oh well...back to square one.

well I survived my second week of class. I believe I will survive just have to keep working. Today was really strange...I get pulled over by a police car...but it was not something I did just about stuff on the car. Then this begger wanted some money and my mind is shot anyway...oh well.

Its snowy and it was another busy day. Oh well it will be alright. Today I learned a little bit about snow driving. My dad is really kind but has a lot to deal with.

Whew this semester is going to be a demanding one. But it is not an impossible task to get through. Just have to swallow pride and take the challenge on...

It has been an interesting day but I still have school to work on but I will find away. Just have to realize what's important and what's not.

School the healing force.

Well I've started school and it seems to have a nice healing effect. I LOVE EDUCATION! It is the one force that I can balance my mind. I know I have to pave my own road and I'll face all my demons to be the best teacher I can be.