I'm sitting lonely on a rock by the sea today, watching as heavy rains fall on my hands and bare feet. The sound of the wind cries out, "Always alone! Always alone!" Making me jump with every little critter that crosses my path to find shelter.
But my head is swimming, I left for a moment and when I came back I was alone. He left, and once he left I was alone, alone to feel the stinging pain in my gut, the bottomless feeling that I wasn't going to see him for a very long time.
And I never said goodbye. I never got the second chance to tell him I loved him.
He left and now I'm alone. Always alone.
I just watched my first episode of .hack//sign... AND I AM ABSOLUTELY HEAD OVER HEALS FOR TSUKASA!!!! OMG HE'S A HOTTIE @_@ I love it! It's original as well! The characters are great! I need to watch more of it O_O MUST! MUST! MUST!
III'M SOOO HAPPYYY AND HUNGRY!!!! I want to go somewhere... I want to be ME! EMILY! I want to be strange, different, I just want to go out and FLY!
*dances* IT'S ABOUT LIFE, IT'S ABOUT FUN! *says goodbye to sadness*
HELLO HAPPINESS! LET US REJOICE IN THE WORLD! WHooo!!
Aliiiiive! *jams*
*leaves the room jammin'*
Today I turned fourteen.
I'm feeling better. School is out in two days, and I'm leaving in 2 days. I'm gonna go off, forget about everything and just have fun while I'm camping with my father.
See you all and leave me lots of messages to come home too!! ^_^
"You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone."
I'm depressed again.
What is this? The third... fourth day in a row? Go figure. I bet I'm going to be depressed for my birthday too. I bet my birthday is going to be spent stuck on a truck with my dad and sister.
I hate life.
So... I tried sleep. It didn't come. Then I put on some Michelle Branch, went upstairs, grabbed a towel, wet a corner of it down and grabbed my box of sparkly gel pens and sat.
Then I realized I had no paper.
So I doodled. On my arm.
It looks pretty awesome too, this design I made. Kinda flowery, real sparkly, and really creative.
I drew on my face too. Just some little things by my eye, I couldn't really see what I was doing but when I looked in the bigger mirror it looked really cool.
Then my sister drew on my other arm. It's cool.
I put "Follow Your Dreams" on my arm too.
If I had a camera, I would definitely take a picture and post it here!
And the amazing thing is, is that I feel a lot better. Not so depressed. But I'm not tired lol. I tried sleeping but I'm afraid I'll move in my sleep and my drawing's will smug (that's gel pens for ya), and no one wants that to happen :(
I can imagine Mrs. Bannerman saying, "That's against school rules; it's encouraging tattoos."
"Tattoos aren't illegal, and I'm not putting "GET A TATTOO" on my arm, neck, and face here. This is me expressing myself and if the school doesn't like it, then tough."
She'd get on my case about it. But I don't care, I wouldn't rub it off for the world.
Screw Mrs. Bannerman She can *beep*ing lick Harrisons *BEEP*BEEP*BEE
I'm not gonna have a very happy birthday, I can already tell you that much.
God, just kill me and get it over with.
I'm depressed. [Amara] seems to be ignoring me. Yeah, I'm not the best person in the world, but does she really need to push that into my face? What the fuck did I do wrong THIS time to get her mad at me?
Another friend who I mainly confide in all the time seems upset at me also. I hate everyone: they're all bastards anwyay. I just want to die. Is that so much? I don't want to kill myself though. I just want someone to smuggle me or shoot me while I'm walking to school.
Maybe I should take the way to school where I have to walk on the sidewalk. Maybe I'll get lucky and a car will hit me.
Maybe I should just scream at someone. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I wish I had a diary. I mean a real one. Then I wouldn't have to keep everything locked up.
I miss my friends.
I wish I had some I could talk to.
[Xithia]'s a great friend. But she's not someone I can talk about my personal life with. She's someone I can talk to about anime and... well, just really weird stuff.
Kayla doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and I can understand that. She'd rather talk to [Ramera], but she's moving.
I don't know Jennifer that well and the most I've ever really said to her was just "Hi." It's an awkward thing between us.
And my other friend... I have to keep that confidential.
There's no one to talk to who'll give me the sympathy I need.
I hate life.
I'm just going to go to bed. And pray I never wake up again. Hopefully some loser will suffocate me with a pillow and end my misery for me.
Can this day POSSIBLY get any worse?
Yes, yes it can.
My day consisted of waking up, going through hell, getting to school late, hurrying to clean out my locker, having my first period teacher yell at me because I was trying to make something clear, taking a math final and being the last person done, losing my AR book, taking tests, going through a Code 1, and of course staying after school and correcting those freaking yearbooks... then calling Mom, only to have her NOT answer the phone, so I have to walk home, it consisted of getting more blisters than before, then finally I come home and it's freaking hot and I'm sweating and I can't do anything, and I'm about to fall over so by six I'm in bed sleeping, only to wake up thanks to a nice nightmare. And now I just got this devasting e-mail from someone and I don't want to reply but I GUESS I'll have to AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF Kayla is angry with me. I'm not going to be able to SLEEP tonight because I just HAD to take a freaking NAP, and now I am ANGRY, because this day just keeps getting worse and worse and worse, because I walked out of the bathroom and my dog ripped my towel off me RIGHT in front of my sister... -_-
Then a *smart* moderator locked my ticket for *an entire month* when I just put in two stories, and... God this SUCKS, I can't even DELETE THE FREAKING TICKET! I am... grr I just want to DIE!!!!
Elfwood won't get off my back about my stupid site. There's nothing wrong with it and I can name about a dozen more people who have WAY longer bios than I do!
I'm SICK of this SHIT!!!
:: Locks herself in a closet and disappears off the face of the Earth for everyone's sake... ::
No, I don't want to kill myself though I want to die. But I'd rather die naturally, or perhaps by hitting the ground too hard with my head while sky diving (even though the max is like 180 mph... you can stilld ie from that though ^^).
Suicide, is *not* the answer.
Though 'tis tempting.
Emily is sad.
Emily is usually happy.
Emily is someone one shouldn't mess with.
Emily is positive.
Emily can be negative.
Emily reads too much.
Emily is agnostic.
Emily is a Gemini.
Emily loves summer time.
Emily is alone.
Emily is loved... by one person.
Emily is hurt.
Emily was broken.
Emily would give it all away.
Emily has a birthday on June 19th.
Emily is soon-to-be fourteen.
Emily wishes she was a prodigy.
Emily doesn't like to lie.
Emily pretends sometimes.
Emily wants to live in a faery tale.
Emily is a writer.
Emily wishes the world were a better place.
Emily wishes she were closer...
Emily loves to write.
Emily wants to draw well.
Emily is usually called cute.
Emily is very short.
Emily wishes she were pretty.
Emily wishes people would see the inside of her.
Emily wishes she wasn't taken advantage of.
Emily wants to be a good person.
Emily wants to grow up so she can donate to Elfwood.
Emily feels powerless, sometimes.
Emily is tenacious.
Emily is gregarious.
Emily has androgynous qualities.
Emily wishes she could find a true friend.
Emily thought she found one, but it's not a mutual friendship.
Emily is almost always hyper.
Emily sometimes gets depressed.
Emily usually gets haertbroken.
Emily is poor.
Emily has major family problems.
Emily likes to go camping.
Emily is pale.
Emily loves the outdoors.
Emily loves to ski, knee-board, tube, swim, street louge, rock climb, and wants to try sky diving.
Emily has many goals.
Emily wants to go to Yale.
Emily wants to sky dive.
Emily wants to travel the world.
Emily hates tourists.
Emily thinks tourists ruin everything, cuz they're stupid gits who hog the Earth's beauty and atmosphere.
Emily is a philisophical person.
Emily is slightly intelligent.
Emily at least knows how to type.
Emily thinks she's mentioned herself enough in this.
Emily wonders why she has to talk in third person...
Emily likes her name.
Emily thinks it's fun to type it.
Emily's hands were made for the keyboard, her handwriting sucks.
Emily... is the court jester.
Emily's not afraid to laugh at herself.
Emily likes to make the media look stupid.
Emily will go back to being depressed now.
Emily wants to be happy.
Emily wants to know what it's like to die.
Emily is dead.
Emily died.
Emily sees that no one mourns.
Emily sees that only one person is sad.
Emily hopes that one person is sad because she's gone.
Emily is sad.
I think I'll name my first boy Adonis. I don't know why, but I really like that name.
Adonis Tyrone (surname here). Yippee.
Why Don't You?
Don't ask where I got the inspiration to write this.
I Guess This Time You're Really Leaving
I Heard Your Suitcase Say Goodbye
And As My Broken Heart Lies Bleeding
You Say True Love In Suicide
You Say You've Cried A Thousand Rivers
And Now You're Swimming For The Shore
You Left Me Drowning In My Tears
And You Won't Save Me Anymore
Now I'm Praying To God You'll Give Me One More Chance Girl
I'll Be There For You
These Five Words I Swear To You
When You Breathe I Want To Be The Air For You
I'll Be There For You
I'd Live And I'd Die For You
Steal The Sun From The Sky For You
Words Can't Say What A Love Can Do
I'll Be There For You
I Know You Know We've Had Some Good Times
How They Have Their Own Hiding Place
I Can Promise You Tomorrow
But I Can't Buy Back Yesterday
And Baby You Know My Hands Are Dirty
But I Wanted To Be Your Valentine
I'll Be The Water When You Get Thirsty Baby
When You Get Drunk I'll Be The Wine
I'll Be There For You
These Five Words I Swear To You
When You Breathe I Want To Be The Air For You
I'll Be There For You
I'd Live And I'd Die For You
Steal The Sun From The Sky For You
Words Can't Say What A Love Can Do
I'll Be There For You
And I Wan't There When You Were Happy
I Wasn't There When You Were Down
I Didn't Mean To Miss Your Birthday Baby
I Wish I'd Seen You Blow Those Candles Out
I'll Be There For You
These Five Words I Swear To You
When You Breathe I Want To Be The Air For You
I'll Be There For You
I'd Live And I'd Die For You
Steal The Sun From The Sky For You
Words Can't Say What A Love Can Do
I'll Be There For You
Got this from [Waka]. Thought it was cool. Deal with it.
Today was a pretty good day. I got there misquito bites on my arm that are HUGE and ITCHY.
The yearbook got screwed up. More.
They messed up our administration
There are three different versions of my last name in that FREAKING BOOK, AND WHOEVER DID THOSE PAGES WILL PAY!
On the *very* first page where it states the yearbook staff, my name is spelled as such: Emily McDurmah. EXCUSE ME, IT'S MCDURMAN, WITH AN "N"!!!!!
And then under the yearbook staff picture/names,
I know the person who was responsible, they spelled everyone else's name correctly but mine. It's a bunch of preps who don't like me. And it REALLY PISSES ME OFF, BECAUSE NOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO ASSUME MY LAST NAME IS MCDURMAH! And it's TOO LATE to fix it now! I don't want to be teased about my last name -- I already am enough as it is! If anyone does, I'll freaking pound their fucking faces in, I am NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME!
I will MAKE THOSE FUCKING PREPS PAY. I am going to make them write apology letters to EVERYONE IN THAT DAMN SCHOOL, correcting the mistake. They will seriously pay and I will go to any length -- making fun of someone's last name IS NOT APPROPRIATE, and it is TOTALLY DEGRADING AND RUDE.
I am SO PISSED OFF! That just makes me REALLY UPSET, that those BITCHES got away with that! *sobs*
And then this one time, at band camp. . .
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prarie song?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the cowboys gone?!?!
Oh ya get me ready in your fifty-six Chevy,
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch,
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade...
1. What do you most like about your body: My skin... sooooft ^^
2. And least: Pretty much everything else.
3. How many fillings do you have : None.
4. Do you think you're good looking : Hell no.
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking: *Glances around* Yeah... *blushes*
6. Do you look like any celebrities : Mommy Dearest says I look like Nicole Kidman. But I get told I look like someone else but really, I just look like me.
( Fashion )
1. Do you wear a watch : Nope, but I wish I had one of those nifty water-proof ones. THEN I'd wear one.
2. How many coats and jackets do you own : One. For snow.
4. Most expensive item of clothing : I'd have to say my attending-wedd
5. What kind of shoes do you wear : I wear... tennies. And the ones that fit snug on my feeties ^^
6. Describe your style in one word : Procrastinatin
( Friends )
1. Do your friends 'know' you : I live my life a lot differently when no one's watching.
2. What do they tend to be like : Absolutely hilarious.
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked : What? PERV! >.> <.<
4. How many people do you tell everything to: I can't tell someone everything. I don't know everything.
( Other )
1. Favorite band ever: The Four Seasons BABY! YEAH!
2. Most listened to bands : I've got too many. I have my days.
3. Do you find any musicians good-looking : Nope. It'd never happen anyway.
4. Can you play an instrument *Used* to play violin. Am learning guitar. Somewhat. But my real instrument in the keyboard (as in COMPUTER keyboard).
5. Type of music listened to : Rock, grunge, techno, new age, alternative, classical, jazz... J-pop... too many to list :P
6. Type never listened to : Pop. Rap. GHETTO CRAP.
7. Favorite book : If I *had* chose one... I wouldn't.
( General Questions )
1. Whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment: ... Devan. If it must be a man.
2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day : Rainy in the early mornings and then sunny in the afternoon and on.
3. Do you consider yourself lucky : No way. My lucky number is 7.
4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide : Yes I do.
5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: Thoughtful.
( Stuff )
1. Do you own any plaid clothing : No, but I own vertical stripe pants. They're blue ^^
2. Do you own Converse shoes : Who?
3. Do you own Saucony shoes : There's more than one word for 'sandal?'
4. Do you own old school Nikes : Uhh... dun think so.
5. Do you wear tight pants : Yep. Cuz they ALWAYS SHRINK.
6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants : Nope.
7. Do you know what a squatter flap is : Squats?
8. Do you own a messenger bag : I wish!
9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest : I would if I had one.
10. Do you own braces : I did sometime in my dreadful past...
11. Are braces worn anywhere besides the mouth : ... I won't be answering this.
12. Do you have short, shaggy hair : Nope. Mid-shoulder length. Growing it back out.
13. Does your hairstyle exceed a height of 3 inches : ...
14. Would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon : Can you say whiplash?
15. Do you think mohawks are "neat" : Depends on whose it on. Like Orlando Bloom, sure. But on Brad Smelly-Pitt... I laugh at ugliness, ha ha ha!
16. Is your hair black or red : Black + red + blonde + brown = auburn
17. Do you have a favorite brand of hair dye : I hate hair dye. I don't dye my hair.
18. Do you own a bandana : Nope.
19. Do you wear plugs in your ears : At concerts I do.
20. Are you amused by safety pins : They're so fun to dress your clothes and voo-doo dolls up with...
21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute : Of course.
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them : Do my teeth count?
23. Do you own one or more articles of clothing from Dogpile, Lip Service, or Tiger of London : I own stuff from Emily the Strange.
24. Do you enjoy leopard print : *laughs* My bed is leopard print, baby yeah ;)
( Habits/Beliefs )
25. Are you disgruntled (having a general hate for everything) : At times, yes.
26. Are you an anarchist : Nope.
27. Does the American flag anger you : Pretty colors... @_@ Pretty... so pretty... to buuurrrrn...
28. Are you "working class" : Yes -_-
29. Do you dislike "preps" : YES YES YES YES YES YES STAY BACK EVIL PREPS OR I WILL HIT YOU WITH MY ODDNESS AND YOU SHALL PERISH!
30. Do you dislike Hot Topic : OH HELL NO! HOT TOPIC ROCKS!
31. Do you smoke cigarettes : Ick, no.
32. Do you smoke cloves : Uh... no.
33. Are you a thin waif : I'm thin...
34. Vegetarian?: No way.
35. Do you think meat is murder : No! It's called surviving, Darwin.
36. Do your nighttime activities usually involve drunken underage vomiting : I don't/won't ever drink.
37. Have you ever slept in an alley or park : Yeah. But it was out of a free will and a dare.
38. Do you wash your hair less than once a week : O_O I WASH EVERY DAY THANK YOU.
39. Have you ever gone a week without a shower : Yep. It was summer and I was isolated.
40. Have you ever been avoided due to your odor : I smell like candy, so they say.
41. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is : Nope.
42. Do you like Mr. Kerouac : Do you like Ms. McDurman?
43. Should Mumia Abu-jamal be freed from prison : Yes!
44. Are you a member of the Makeout Club : I've still got virgin lips.
45. Do you say "rad" : No, but I say "Oh behave" a lot, baby.
Bleh... I can't sleep. And you know why I can't sleep? BECAUSE THAT FREAKING STORY IS HAUNTING ME!
In my English class, we're reading this story called, "Flowers for Algernon," and it was so good that I came home and finished it. Which I am really sorry for.
To explain... it's pretty much like this:
It's about a 37 year-old man named Charlie Gordon who is mentally challenged. He has an I.Q. of 68 and can hardly spell, and doesn't have an imagination, and of course, with the amount of imagination you have that's pretty much a big part of your intelligence level.
So... here you have a 37 year-old mentally challenged man, who's working as a janitor, and going to school all on his own, working and living by himself. His teacher, Miss. Kinnian, sends him to this doctor to be used as sort of an expiriment to see if this neurosurgeon (brain doctor) can make him smarter.
Algernon is a mouse. And Algernon had the operation which was a total success, and the learning capabilities was outrageous. So they put Algernon to the test with Charlie. Or viz versa really. Algernon had to work his way through a cage, as did Charlie (only his was on paper) and every time Algernon won.
So then after the brain surgery, Charlie gets smarter. His I.Q. is 68, and this surgery is supposed to gradually get his I.Q. to triple that. Which like somewhere around 224. And of course, the average human intelligence (that's not considered challenged in any way, shape, or form) is 100. And being a genius is going over 125. So... 224 would make Charlie have the smartest, artificially made human intelligence on the planet and in time.
And he gets really, really, really smart.
I quote something from Charlie, "I still don't know what an I.Q. is, but I know that mine is about to go over 200 soon."
He gets really smart! And can beat Algernon lol.
But then one day, he comes into the office place and he tries to hold Algernon, but Algernon bites him. And it seems as if Algernon had been acting strange.
And then Algernon dies.
Charlie wonders... he wonders if that's going to happen to him. So he does tons of research, and he cuts Algernon open to see his brain.
Algernon's brain literally disintegrated. His intelligence failed, his reaction to things became slow.
And all this happens to Charlie. But Charlie tries as hard as he can to make this report on everything he finds, and he writes whenever he can.
I don't know if he died in the story, because it ended like this (oh, he buried Algernon in his back yard): "P.P.S. i love you miss kinnian, pleas dont forget to put flowers on Algernons grave in my bak yard...."
So, in short, Charlie had an I.Q. of 68. Then he was used as an expiriment and his I.Q. rapidly rose to 224. But then it dropped back to 68 again, and he probably died. I hate and yet I love this story... it's so amazingly sad...