This is What Happens


Wish me out of this nightmare; dream me into a lullaby because I just can't take it anymore, it's starting to hurt not only my eyes but also my heart and stomach too.
I just want to die and wish it all away, it's sort of hard to believe it's real, I don't want it to be, I just want it to be fake; a fantasy; a nightmare itself. I just want you to stay in my life the way we were for forever and ever, but things change, right? Things change and now I'm alone all because you lied to me but you told the truth at the same time. It made me so happy to know you loved me, and I was always glad to say it back and mean it, but then you cracked the whip and said you never believed, never believed even me, your beloved, and you only loved me once in our relationship and I told you that raping me would have hurt less, but you weren't even there to hear that, which just proves I lost my only true best friend in the world, because the one I had before told you all the terrible things about me and my past, and you don't believe me when I say I've changed! You say she told you I was a liar and you even asked me how my friends can hate me so, and I said back that it wasn't me, I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliché it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...
You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone. You're not there and I'm not here with you so you're alone as well, and my thoughts are spinning and my eyes spill out tears and they eventually fall out of my head and when I vomit from sick, broken love my heart comes up and my brain turns to mush and then I know that parts of me died, not just one piece but much more than that. You didn't just crack my heart in two or make it to dust, you ruined me, and you ruined my happiness.
Whenever I wear my black clothes and put on my black makeup and my chrome chains I think of you and I wonder how you could do this to your "Sweet apple pie" how you could turn her to be dark and like nothing but the solid color black, how it feels, how it sinks into your eyes, how it turns your skin white as ash. I wonder how you could make me do the things I always promised myself not to do, how you could let some boy take me and rip my body in half then shove me down to the ground to kiss his feet as if I were worshipping him out of love. I wonder how you could make your good girl go bad, and then worse, all the way to disengaged and ill.
Mental; crazy; insane, I always claimed to be that but now it's real and I feel so fake, and I wish I were good at something and I could have you back, but that won't ever happen because you told me that I'd get over it, when really you were the one who got over it.
I asked you why you didn’t do it before but you just spread your wings and flew away and I wished that I could live in your magical world and do the same thing, just spread my wings and fly. And then it hit me that you were real, that you were magic, and I felt so alone, and so selfish for only thinking of me, but then I thought, screw the world, I’m in pain and I deserve to think of only myself. And then it hits me that I think of others too much and then I realize that now I’m really alone and there really isn’t anyone out there who can help me and my sorrow.
I wish to myself that I could fly away, but I think, pick up where I left off before, right? It’s so easy to do, but then I discover that everyone has wings, and everyone can fly away but I’m the only one who can’t, and suddenly I’m stuck on Earth alone, in that whole universe while you and everyone else is flying away somewhere safe. Then all I remember is that blazing moon, but it wasn’t a moon, it was a meteor and it was coming to take my life away. And when it hits everything dies, everything dies but I keep living because my pain keeps me alive, only it keeps eating me and spitting me back out, eating me again and spitting me back out again, and I don’t feel anything but pain anymore. Pain and the numb, the killing numb that makes me want to taste something, but I can’t because there’s nothing there. The world has ended and all it is in a big mass of dirt and grim, there aren’t any animals or plants and I don’t know how I’m surviving in this dirty air but I am.
And everyday I get reminded of you and your wings how you could fly away but I had to be stuck here, alone, with the apocalypse. So I stayed in my dark little corner on the edge of the Forgotten World, whispering all the while to myself, "I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliché it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...."

Wish me out of this nightmare; dream me into a lullaby because I just can't take it anymore, it's starting to hurt not only my eyes but my heart and stomach too.
I just want to die and wish it all away, it's sort of hard to believe it's real, I don't want it to be, I just want it to be fake; a fantasy; a nightmare itself. I just want you to stay in my life the way we were for forever and ever, but things change, right? Things change and now I'm alone all because you lied to me but you told the truth at the same time. It made me so happy to know you loved me, and I was always glad to say it back and mean it, but then you cracked the whip and said you never believed, never believed even me, your beloved, and you only loved me once in our relationship and I told you that raping me would have hurt less, but you weren't even there to hear that, which just PROVES I lost my best friend in the world, because the one I had before told you all the terrible things about me and my past, and you don't believe me when I say I've changed! You say she told you I was a liar and you even asked me how my friends can hate me so, and I said back that it wasn't me, I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliche it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...
You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone. You're not there and I'm not here with you so you're alone as well, and my thoughts are spinning and my eyes spill out tears and they eventually fall out of my and when I vomit from sick broken love my heart comes up and my brain turns to mush and then I know that parts of me died, not just one part but much more than that. You didn't just crack my heart in two or make it to dust, you ruined me, you ruined my happiness.
Whenever I wear my black clothes and put on my black makeup and my chrome chains I think of you and I wonder how you could do this to your "Sweet apple pie" how you could turn her to be dark and like nothing but the solid color black, how it feels, how it sinks into your eyes, how it turns your skin white as ash. I wonder how you could make me do the things I always promised myself not to do, how you could let some boy take me and rip my body in half then shove me down to the ground to kiss his feet as if I were worshipping him out of love. I wonder how you could make your good girl go bad, and then worse, all the way to disengaged and ill. Mental; crazy; insane, I always claimed to be that but now it's real and I feel so fake, and I wish I were good at something and I could have you back, but that won't ever happen because you told me that I'd get over it, when really you were the one who got over it. You got to live the dazzling life while I was alone and scared all in my dark little corner, whispering all the while to myself, "I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliche it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...."

I'm sitting lonely on a rock by the sea today, watching as heavy rains fall on my hands and bare feet. The sound of the wind cries out, "Always alone! Always alone!" Making me jump with every little critter that crosses my path to find shelter.
But my head is swimming, I left for a moment and when I came back I was alone. He left, and once he left I was alone, alone to feel the stinging pain in my gut, the bottomless feeling that I wasn't going to see him for a very long time.
And I never said goodbye. I never got the second chance to tell him I loved him.
He left and now I'm alone. Always alone.

I just watched my first episode of .hack//sign... AND I AM ABSOLUTELY HEAD OVER HEALS FOR TSUKASA!!!! OMG HE'S A HOTTIE @_@ I love it! It's original as well! The characters are great! I need to watch more of it O_O MUST! MUST! MUST!

III'M SOOO HAPPYYY AND HUNGRY!!!! I want to go somewhere... I want to be ME! EMILY! I want to be strange, different, I just want to go out and FLY!
*dances* IT'S ABOUT LIFE, IT'S ABOUT FUN! *says goodbye to sadness*
HELLO HAPPINESS! LET US REJOICE IN THE WORLD! WHooo!!
Aliiiiive! *jams*
*leaves the room jammin'*

Today I turned fourteen.

I'm feeling better. School is out in two days, and I'm leaving in 2 days. I'm gonna go off, forget about everything and just have fun while I'm camping with my father.
See you all and leave me lots of messages to come home too!! ^_^

"You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone."

I'm depressed again.
What is this? The third... fourth day in a row? Go figure. I bet I'm going to be depressed for my birthday too. I bet my birthday is going to be spent stuck on a truck with my dad and sister.
I hate life.

So... I tried sleep. It didn't come. Then I put on some Michelle Branch, went upstairs, grabbed a towel, wet a corner of it down and grabbed my box of sparkly gel pens and sat.
Then I realized I had no paper.
So I doodled. On my arm.
It looks pretty awesome too, this design I made. Kinda flowery, real sparkly, and really creative.
I drew on my face too. Just some little things by my eye, I couldn't really see what I was doing but when I looked in the bigger mirror it looked really cool.
Then my sister drew on my other arm. It's cool.
I put "Follow Your Dreams" on my arm too.
If I had a camera, I would definitely take a picture and post it here!
And the amazing thing is, is that I feel a lot better. Not so depressed. But I'm not tired lol. I tried sleeping but I'm afraid I'll move in my sleep and my drawing's will smug (that's gel pens for ya), and no one wants that to happen :(
I can imagine Mrs. Bannerman saying, "That's against school rules; it's encouraging tattoos."
"Tattoos aren't illegal, and I'm not putting "GET A TATTOO" on my arm, neck, and face here. This is me expressing myself and if the school doesn't like it, then tough."
She'd get on my case about it. But I don't care, I wouldn't rub it off for the world.
Screw Mrs. Bannerman She can *beep*ing lick Harrisons *BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*

I'm not gonna have a very happy birthday, I can already tell you that much.
God, just kill me and get it over with.
I'm depressed. [Amara] seems to be ignoring me. Yeah, I'm not the best person in the world, but does she really need to push that into my face? What the fuck did I do wrong THIS time to get her mad at me?
Another friend who I mainly confide in all the time seems upset at me also. I hate everyone: they're all bastards anwyay. I just want to die. Is that so much? I don't want to kill myself though. I just want someone to smuggle me or shoot me while I'm walking to school.
Maybe I should take the way to school where I have to walk on the sidewalk. Maybe I'll get lucky and a car will hit me.
Maybe I should just scream at someone. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I wish I had a diary. I mean a real one. Then I wouldn't have to keep everything locked up.
I miss my friends.
I wish I had some I could talk to.
[Xithia]'s a great friend. But she's not someone I can talk about my personal life with. She's someone I can talk to about anime and... well, just really weird stuff.
Kayla doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and I can understand that. She'd rather talk to [Ramera], but she's moving.
I don't know Jennifer that well and the most I've ever really said to her was just "Hi." It's an awkward thing between us.
And my other friend... I have to keep that confidential.
There's no one to talk to who'll give me the sympathy I need.
I hate life.

I'm just going to go to bed. And pray I never wake up again. Hopefully some loser will suffocate me with a pillow and end my misery for me.

Can this day POSSIBLY get any worse?
Yes, yes it can.
My day consisted of waking up, going through hell, getting to school late, hurrying to clean out my locker, having my first period teacher yell at me because I was trying to make something clear, taking a math final and being the last person done, losing my AR book, taking tests, going through a Code 1, and of course staying after school and correcting those freaking yearbooks... then calling Mom, only to have her NOT answer the phone, so I have to walk home, it consisted of getting more blisters than before, then finally I come home and it's freaking hot and I'm sweating and I can't do anything, and I'm about to fall over so by six I'm in bed sleeping, only to wake up thanks to a nice nightmare. And now I just got this devasting e-mail from someone and I don't want to reply but I GUESS I'll have to AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF Kayla is angry with me. I'm not going to be able to SLEEP tonight because I just HAD to take a freaking NAP, and now I am ANGRY, because this day just keeps getting worse and worse and worse, because I walked out of the bathroom and my dog ripped my towel off me RIGHT in front of my sister... -_-
Then a *smart* moderator locked my ticket for *an entire month* when I just put in two stories, and... God this SUCKS, I can't even DELETE THE FREAKING TICKET! I am... grr I just want to DIE!!!!
Elfwood won't get off my back about my stupid site. There's nothing wrong with it and I can name about a dozen more people who have WAY longer bios than I do!
I'm SICK of this SHIT!!!
:: Locks herself in a closet and disappears off the face of the Earth for everyone's sake... ::

No, I don't want to kill myself though I want to die. But I'd rather die naturally, or perhaps by hitting the ground too hard with my head while sky diving (even though the max is like 180 mph... you can stilld ie from that though ^^).
Suicide, is *not* the answer.
Though 'tis tempting.

Emily is sad.
Emily is usually happy.
Emily is someone one shouldn't mess with.
Emily is positive.
Emily can be negative.
Emily reads too much.
Emily is agnostic.
Emily is a Gemini.
Emily loves summer time.
Emily is alone.
Emily is loved... by one person.
Emily is hurt.
Emily was broken.
Emily would give it all away.
Emily has a birthday on June 19th.
Emily is soon-to-be fourteen.
Emily wishes she was a prodigy.
Emily doesn't like to lie.
Emily pretends sometimes.
Emily wants to live in a faery tale.
Emily is a writer.
Emily wishes the world were a better place.
Emily wishes she were closer...
Emily loves to write.
Emily wants to draw well.
Emily is usually called cute.
Emily is very short.
Emily wishes she were pretty.
Emily wishes people would see the inside of her.
Emily wishes she wasn't taken advantage of.
Emily wants to be a good person.
Emily wants to grow up so she can donate to Elfwood.
Emily feels powerless, sometimes.
Emily is tenacious.
Emily is gregarious.
Emily has androgynous qualities.
Emily wishes she could find a true friend.
Emily thought she found one, but it's not a mutual friendship.
Emily is almost always hyper.
Emily sometimes gets depressed.
Emily usually gets haertbroken.
Emily is poor.
Emily has major family problems.
Emily likes to go camping.
Emily is pale.
Emily loves the outdoors.
Emily loves to ski, knee-board, tube, swim, street louge, rock climb, and wants to try sky diving.
Emily has many goals.
Emily wants to go to Yale.
Emily wants to sky dive.
Emily wants to travel the world.
Emily hates tourists.
Emily thinks tourists ruin everything, cuz they're stupid gits who hog the Earth's beauty and atmosphere.
Emily is a philisophical person.
Emily is slightly intelligent.
Emily at least knows how to type.
Emily thinks she's mentioned herself enough in this.
Emily wonders why she has to talk in third person...
Emily likes her name.
Emily thinks it's fun to type it.
Emily's hands were made for the keyboard, her handwriting sucks.
Emily... is the court jester.
Emily's not afraid to laugh at herself.
Emily likes to make the media look stupid.
Emily will go back to being depressed now.
Emily wants to be happy.
Emily wants to know what it's like to die.
Emily is dead.
Emily died.
Emily sees that no one mourns.
Emily sees that only one person is sad.
Emily hopes that one person is sad because she's gone.
Emily is sad.

I think I'll name my first boy Adonis. I don't know why, but I really like that name.
Adonis Tyrone (surname here). Yippee.

Why Don't You?
Don't ask where I got the inspiration to write this.

I Guess This Time You're Really Leaving
I Heard Your Suitcase Say Goodbye
And As My Broken Heart Lies Bleeding
You Say True Love In Suicide

You Say You've Cried A Thousand Rivers
And Now You're Swimming For The Shore
You Left Me Drowning In My Tears
And You Won't Save Me Anymore

Now I'm Praying To God You'll Give Me One More Chance Girl

I'll Be There For You
These Five Words I Swear To You
When You Breathe I Want To Be The Air For You
I'll Be There For You
I'd Live And I'd Die For You
Steal The Sun From The Sky For You
Words Can't Say What A Love Can Do
I'll Be There For You

I Know You Know We've Had Some Good Times
How They Have Their Own Hiding Place
I Can Promise You Tomorrow
But I Can't Buy Back Yesterday

And Baby You Know My Hands Are Dirty
But I Wanted To Be Your Valentine
I'll Be The Water When You Get Thirsty Baby
When You Get Drunk I'll Be The Wine

I'll Be There For You
These Five Words I Swear To You
When You Breathe I Want To Be The Air For You
I'll Be There For You
I'd Live And I'd Die For You
Steal The Sun From The Sky For You
Words Can't Say What A Love Can Do
I'll Be There For You

And I Wan't There When You Were Happy
I Wasn't There When You Were Down
I Didn't Mean To Miss Your Birthday Baby
I Wish I'd Seen You Blow Those Candles Out

I'll Be There For You
These Five Words I Swear To You
When You Breathe I Want To Be The Air For You
I'll Be There For You
I'd Live And I'd Die For You
Steal The Sun From The Sky For You
Words Can't Say What A Love Can Do
I'll Be There For You


Got this from [Waka]. Thought it was cool. Deal with it.

Today was a pretty good day. I got there misquito bites on my arm that are HUGE and ITCHY.
The yearbook got screwed up. More.
They messed up our administrations page, and then today when I FINALLY got to look at it -- My last name is spelled wrong.
There are three different versions of my last name in that FREAKING BOOK, AND WHOEVER DID THOSE PAGES WILL PAY!
On the *very* first page where it states the yearbook staff, my name is spelled as such: Emily McDurmah. EXCUSE ME, IT'S MCDURMAN, WITH AN "N"!!!!!
And then under the yearbook staff picture/names,: Emily McDermah.
I know the person who was responsible, they spelled everyone else's name correctly but mine. It's a bunch of preps who don't like me. And it REALLY PISSES ME OFF, BECAUSE NOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO ASSUME MY LAST NAME IS MCDURMAH! And it's TOO LATE to fix it now! I don't want to be teased about my last name -- I already am enough as it is! If anyone does, I'll freaking pound their fucking faces in, I am NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME!
I will MAKE THOSE FUCKING PREPS PAY. I am going to make them write apology letters to EVERYONE IN THAT DAMN SCHOOL, correcting the mistake. They will seriously pay and I will go to any length -- making fun of someone's last name IS NOT APPROPRIATE, and it is TOTALLY DEGRADING AND RUDE.
I am SO PISSED OFF! That just makes me REALLY UPSET, that those BITCHES got away with that! *sobs*

And then this one time, at band camp. . .

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prarie song?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the cowboys gone?!?!

Oh ya get me ready in your fifty-six Chevy,
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch,
The dandy lion sun scorching,
Like a glass of cold lemonade...