__Never Be Nice
Nice.
Nice.
Nice.
Everybody's nice,
Split your head twice,
Beat them in the rib,
Wait until it bleeds,
Watch the colors run,
Land call it fun,
Cry for all the pain,
No one's really sane!
-[victoria]
Just thought it was cool O_o

Kinf od down... O_o Er, kind of down.
Been so bored, I went to bed at like 5 last night and woke up at 3, so I got on the computer. It was boring. Went back to bed at 8 and then got back up at 10 and cleaned up after my sister (who's lazy, messy, and can't do a darn thing). She left a mess in the bathroom. Then I cleaned up the kitchen for Mom (she's really stressed out), just to help out. Cleaned the living room a bit, threw some of Katie's stuff away... And here I am.
But on a happy note!
Ever wonder what it would be like to be a super hero? Or Heroine?
Like, what kind of powers would you have?!?! Flying is a big one. Or like a magical motorcycle! Reading minds, super punches... or like the power to make everyone peaceful! That's new. I mean heroes all seem to have violent "powers" these days... Beating up the "bad guys" just makes them as bad as the bad guys.
Where would you live? Big city or little town?
What kind of costume would you have?
Would you make friends? Would you always get the guy? Or girl?
Would you have a secret identity like Superman or always be a superhero like Barnicle Boy and that... other guy in Spongebob?
Would it be cool or would it just cause you to lage in your homework assignments ^_~?
... ^^

I f*cking hate my sister.
She is a f*cking moron without a f*cking life.
She always tries to prove me wrong about computers by saying "Oh no, that's not possible. My friends all say so."
"Are your friends hackers and people who grew up in Trinidad?"
"Well, not in Trinidad!"
THEN, we buy the F*CKING CD TO WINDOWS XP AND SHE LEAVES IN F*CKING NINE STATES AWAY IN OKLAHOMA AT MY DAD'S HOUSE WHO IS NEVER THERE AND CAN'T SEND IT TO US BECAUSE SHE'S SUCH A FREAKING MORON AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A F*CKING COMPUTER OS IS, THINKING THAT I COULD FORMAT THE HARDRIVE AND DOWNLOAD IT (which I won't, I know something would go wrong), THEN, SAYING SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A F*CKING OS IS!!!!!!!
F*CKING MORON I AM SO GOING TO KILL HER NO MATTER WHAT!! I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THOUGHT THAT! I JUST WANT TO STRANGLE HER!!! I SAID SPECIFICALLY, "BRING THE WINDOWS XP CD, DON'T LEAVE IT HERE, WE NEED IT WITH US!!"
I AM GOING TO F*CKING BLOW UP AND DRAG HER TO HELL!!! >.<

HEY HEY HEY ALL YA'LL PEOPLE!!!!
I AM BACK, W00T W00T!
I was gone for a week because I was going from my dad's house in Oklahoma... to my mom's house in Washington State! YAY!
-_-
K, 'nuff with that bullsheetness. Anyway, this computer is Windows Millenium and O_o it looks really different and the keyboard is especially loud and obnoxious but easy to type on. My dog is being an annoying little hissy fit. He grew over the last two months. He used to be cute with his oversized head and ears, but now he ain't at all. It all grew together dangit!
I want Windows XP back ;-; which I shall have, MOOHAHAHAHAHA!! So I better start saving all my files N' crap 'cause I lost everything in the last upgrade -_-;
So bored... I'm cleaning my room and my... closet or a.k.a dungeon. That closet is a SERIOUS MESS HOLE! OMGOMGOMGOM. I was like soooo done with cleaning part of the room but then I thought "Oh hell, why not?"
Yeah, I clean my closet sometimes but it's never really... thorough cleaning. I dug deep this time man, dug deep.
There were literally clothes up to my knees (and like four hanging up). I got glass dolls in there, and I had TONS of my mom's shoes for some strange off-beat reason. And not to mention shoe boxes, my GOD I don't even OWN that many shoes!
But then when I reached the bottom I discovered the reason why I have so many shoe boxes. That stupid, forgotten, stenchy memory that just HAPPENS to get thrown into your brain's recycle bin, DAMMIT!
Let's just say it has to do with past animals, dirt, and... funerals.
I want MSN messenger 6.0. Now. But I am WAY too lazy to download it >.< Feh me. I'm just gonna wait till the upgrade to ... WINDOWS... XP...!!! YAYAYYAYAY! I hope it'll work >.> <.<
Dammit -_-
I... OH GOD I HAVE TO CLEAN @_@ I got clthes spilling out of me room and you can hardly walk... the dungeon is the only thing clean! AHHHHHH!

My heart X.x -dies-
I am soooo bored. *Snoops into her sisters files and deletes everything*
O_o There's nothing good anyway.
... I'm so bored.
I LOVE TIGERS THOUGH!

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate 
Antisocial: Low 
Borderline: Low 
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
yeah, I'm a little obsessive *washes ehr hands five times*
AAHH DON'T STEP ON THE CRACKS!

AAAHHHH! FLYING MONKEYS! FLYING MONKEYS! THEY DID IT! THEY DID IT!

What's the point?
There is none.
Well, GO FIGURE.

This is What Happens


Wish me out of this nightmare; dream me into a lullaby because I just can't take it anymore, it's starting to hurt not only my eyes but also my heart and stomach too.
I just want to die and wish it all away, it's sort of hard to believe it's real, I don't want it to be, I just want it to be fake; a fantasy; a nightmare itself. I just want you to stay in my life the way we were for forever and ever, but things change, right? Things change and now I'm alone all because you lied to me but you told the truth at the same time. It made me so happy to know you loved me, and I was always glad to say it back and mean it, but then you cracked the whip and said you never believed, never believed even me, your beloved, and you only loved me once in our relationship and I told you that raping me would have hurt less, but you weren't even there to hear that, which just proves I lost my only true best friend in the world, because the one I had before told you all the terrible things about me and my past, and you don't believe me when I say I've changed! You say she told you I was a liar and you even asked me how my friends can hate me so, and I said back that it wasn't me, I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliché it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...
You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone. You're not there and I'm not here with you so you're alone as well, and my thoughts are spinning and my eyes spill out tears and they eventually fall out of my head and when I vomit from sick, broken love my heart comes up and my brain turns to mush and then I know that parts of me died, not just one piece but much more than that. You didn't just crack my heart in two or make it to dust, you ruined me, and you ruined my happiness.
Whenever I wear my black clothes and put on my black makeup and my chrome chains I think of you and I wonder how you could do this to your "Sweet apple pie" how you could turn her to be dark and like nothing but the solid color black, how it feels, how it sinks into your eyes, how it turns your skin white as ash. I wonder how you could make me do the things I always promised myself not to do, how you could let some boy take me and rip my body in half then shove me down to the ground to kiss his feet as if I were worshipping him out of love. I wonder how you could make your good girl go bad, and then worse, all the way to disengaged and ill.
Mental; crazy; insane, I always claimed to be that but now it's real and I feel so fake, and I wish I were good at something and I could have you back, but that won't ever happen because you told me that I'd get over it, when really you were the one who got over it.
I asked you why you didn’t do it before but you just spread your wings and flew away and I wished that I could live in your magical world and do the same thing, just spread my wings and fly. And then it hit me that you were real, that you were magic, and I felt so alone, and so selfish for only thinking of me, but then I thought, screw the world, I’m in pain and I deserve to think of only myself. And then it hits me that I think of others too much and then I realize that now I’m really alone and there really isn’t anyone out there who can help me and my sorrow.
I wish to myself that I could fly away, but I think, pick up where I left off before, right? It’s so easy to do, but then I discover that everyone has wings, and everyone can fly away but I’m the only one who can’t, and suddenly I’m stuck on Earth alone, in that whole universe while you and everyone else is flying away somewhere safe. Then all I remember is that blazing moon, but it wasn’t a moon, it was a meteor and it was coming to take my life away. And when it hits everything dies, everything dies but I keep living because my pain keeps me alive, only it keeps eating me and spitting me back out, eating me again and spitting me back out again, and I don’t feel anything but pain anymore. Pain and the numb, the killing numb that makes me want to taste something, but I can’t because there’s nothing there. The world has ended and all it is in a big mass of dirt and grim, there aren’t any animals or plants and I don’t know how I’m surviving in this dirty air but I am.
And everyday I get reminded of you and your wings how you could fly away but I had to be stuck here, alone, with the apocalypse. So I stayed in my dark little corner on the edge of the Forgotten World, whispering all the while to myself, "I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliché it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...."

Wish me out of this nightmare; dream me into a lullaby because I just can't take it anymore, it's starting to hurt not only my eyes but my heart and stomach too.
I just want to die and wish it all away, it's sort of hard to believe it's real, I don't want it to be, I just want it to be fake; a fantasy; a nightmare itself. I just want you to stay in my life the way we were for forever and ever, but things change, right? Things change and now I'm alone all because you lied to me but you told the truth at the same time. It made me so happy to know you loved me, and I was always glad to say it back and mean it, but then you cracked the whip and said you never believed, never believed even me, your beloved, and you only loved me once in our relationship and I told you that raping me would have hurt less, but you weren't even there to hear that, which just PROVES I lost my best friend in the world, because the one I had before told you all the terrible things about me and my past, and you don't believe me when I say I've changed! You say she told you I was a liar and you even asked me how my friends can hate me so, and I said back that it wasn't me, I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliche it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...
You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone. You're not there and I'm not here with you so you're alone as well, and my thoughts are spinning and my eyes spill out tears and they eventually fall out of my and when I vomit from sick broken love my heart comes up and my brain turns to mush and then I know that parts of me died, not just one part but much more than that. You didn't just crack my heart in two or make it to dust, you ruined me, you ruined my happiness.
Whenever I wear my black clothes and put on my black makeup and my chrome chains I think of you and I wonder how you could do this to your "Sweet apple pie" how you could turn her to be dark and like nothing but the solid color black, how it feels, how it sinks into your eyes, how it turns your skin white as ash. I wonder how you could make me do the things I always promised myself not to do, how you could let some boy take me and rip my body in half then shove me down to the ground to kiss his feet as if I were worshipping him out of love. I wonder how you could make your good girl go bad, and then worse, all the way to disengaged and ill. Mental; crazy; insane, I always claimed to be that but now it's real and I feel so fake, and I wish I were good at something and I could have you back, but that won't ever happen because you told me that I'd get over it, when really you were the one who got over it. You got to live the dazzling life while I was alone and scared all in my dark little corner, whispering all the while to myself, "I'm a completely different person even though it sounds so cliche it's true! I wouldn't ever lie to you...."

I'm sitting lonely on a rock by the sea today, watching as heavy rains fall on my hands and bare feet. The sound of the wind cries out, "Always alone! Always alone!" Making me jump with every little critter that crosses my path to find shelter.
But my head is swimming, I left for a moment and when I came back I was alone. He left, and once he left I was alone, alone to feel the stinging pain in my gut, the bottomless feeling that I wasn't going to see him for a very long time.
And I never said goodbye. I never got the second chance to tell him I loved him.
He left and now I'm alone. Always alone.

I just watched my first episode of .hack//sign... AND I AM ABSOLUTELY HEAD OVER HEALS FOR TSUKASA!!!! OMG HE'S A HOTTIE @_@ I love it! It's original as well! The characters are great! I need to watch more of it O_O MUST! MUST! MUST!

III'M SOOO HAPPYYY AND HUNGRY!!!! I want to go somewhere... I want to be ME! EMILY! I want to be strange, different, I just want to go out and FLY!
*dances* IT'S ABOUT LIFE, IT'S ABOUT FUN! *says goodbye to sadness*
HELLO HAPPINESS! LET US REJOICE IN THE WORLD! WHooo!!
Aliiiiive! *jams*
*leaves the room jammin'*

I'm feeling better. School is out in two days, and I'm leaving in 2 days. I'm gonna go off, forget about everything and just have fun while I'm camping with my father.
See you all and leave me lots of messages to come home too!! ^_^

"You were the person I could tell everything to and now you're not there.
You're not there and now I'm alone."

I'm depressed again.
What is this? The third... fourth day in a row? Go figure. I bet I'm going to be depressed for my birthday too. I bet my birthday is going to be spent stuck on a truck with my dad and sister.
I hate life.

So... I tried sleep. It didn't come. Then I put on some Michelle Branch, went upstairs, grabbed a towel, wet a corner of it down and grabbed my box of sparkly gel pens and sat.
Then I realized I had no paper.
So I doodled. On my arm.
It looks pretty awesome too, this design I made. Kinda flowery, real sparkly, and really creative.
I drew on my face too. Just some little things by my eye, I couldn't really see what I was doing but when I looked in the bigger mirror it looked really cool.
Then my sister drew on my other arm. It's cool.
I put "Follow Your Dreams" on my arm too.
If I had a camera, I would definitely take a picture and post it here!
And the amazing thing is, is that I feel a lot better. Not so depressed. But I'm not tired lol. I tried sleeping but I'm afraid I'll move in my sleep and my drawing's will smug (that's gel pens for ya), and no one wants that to happen :(
I can imagine Mrs. Bannerman saying, "That's against school rules; it's encouraging tattoos."
"Tattoos aren't illegal, and I'm not putting "GET A TATTOO" on my arm, neck, and face here. This is me expressing myself and if the school doesn't like it, then tough."
She'd get on my case about it. But I don't care, I wouldn't rub it off for the world.
Screw Mrs. Bannerman She can *beep*ing lick Harrisons *BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*

I'm not gonna have a very happy birthday, I can already tell you that much.
God, just kill me and get it over with.
I'm depressed. [Amara] seems to be ignoring me. Yeah, I'm not the best person in the world, but does she really need to push that into my face? What the fuck did I do wrong THIS time to get her mad at me?
Another friend who I mainly confide in all the time seems upset at me also. I hate everyone: they're all bastards anwyay. I just want to die. Is that so much? I don't want to kill myself though. I just want someone to smuggle me or shoot me while I'm walking to school.
Maybe I should take the way to school where I have to walk on the sidewalk. Maybe I'll get lucky and a car will hit me.
Maybe I should just scream at someone. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I wish I had a diary. I mean a real one. Then I wouldn't have to keep everything locked up.
I miss my friends.
I wish I had some I could talk to.
[Xithia]'s a great friend. But she's not someone I can talk about my personal life with. She's someone I can talk to about anime and... well, just really weird stuff.
Kayla doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and I can understand that. She'd rather talk to [Ramera], but she's moving.
I don't know Jennifer that well and the most I've ever really said to her was just "Hi." It's an awkward thing between us.
And my other friend... I have to keep that confidential.
There's no one to talk to who'll give me the sympathy I need.
I hate life.

I'm just going to go to bed. And pray I never wake up again. Hopefully some loser will suffocate me with a pillow and end my misery for me.

Can this day POSSIBLY get any worse?
Yes, yes it can.
My day consisted of waking up, going through hell, getting to school late, hurrying to clean out my locker, having my first period teacher yell at me because I was trying to make something clear, taking a math final and being the last person done, losing my AR book, taking tests, going through a Code 1, and of course staying after school and correcting those freaking yearbooks... then calling Mom, only to have her NOT answer the phone, so I have to walk home, it consisted of getting more blisters than before, then finally I come home and it's freaking hot and I'm sweating and I can't do anything, and I'm about to fall over so by six I'm in bed sleeping, only to wake up thanks to a nice nightmare. And now I just got this devasting e-mail from someone and I don't want to reply but I GUESS I'll have to AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF Kayla is angry with me. I'm not going to be able to SLEEP tonight because I just HAD to take a freaking NAP, and now I am ANGRY, because this day just keeps getting worse and worse and worse, because I walked out of the bathroom and my dog ripped my towel off me RIGHT in front of my sister... -_-
Then a *smart* moderator locked my ticket for *an entire month* when I just put in two stories, and... God this SUCKS, I can't even DELETE THE FREAKING TICKET! I am... grr I just want to DIE!!!!
Elfwood won't get off my back about my stupid site. There's nothing wrong with it and I can name about a dozen more people who have WAY longer bios than I do!
I'm SICK of this SHIT!!!
:: Locks herself in a closet and disappears off the face of the Earth for everyone's sake... ::

No, I don't want to kill myself though I want to die. But I'd rather die naturally, or perhaps by hitting the ground too hard with my head while sky diving (even though the max is like 180 mph... you can stilld ie from that though ^^).
Suicide, is *not* the answer.
Though 'tis tempting.