Somebody told me they knew how I felt when I said I felt nothing. I think they were lying. I guess I'll probably never know. I wish I could feel something. Even pain or sadness would be welcome at this point, anything is better than this nothingness that seems to be my new mindstate. I hate it. At least I think I hate it, becuase hate is a feeling and I don't have those anymore.
We had knowledge bowl today, and I got the "you look so sad and lonley I'll hang out with you out of pity" treatment from Ember today. I wanted to cry all day, and I don't know why. I'm not sad. I'm not in pain, it was just something to do. But I don't cry. I can't cry.
The things I wish for seem to be getting further and further away. I don't know why I keep wishing, but I do. I keep wishing for friends, for my family to compliment me and actually mean it. For them to stop tearing me down and shattering who I am and who I want to be at every turn. I keep wishing for her, for anyone at all to love me in return, but it's never going to happen.
There are little glimpses of happiness. Like life's sadistic way of reminding me what I'm missing out on becuase I guess I'm not a good enough person to get to be happy. I'm not on the good side of whatever powers control our fate.
A little girl said I smile all the time. And it's funny because I almost always do. I'm not happy and nothing's funny but I'm smiling. I think it's like when I told the first people about my cutting, I couldn't stop laughing. It helps hide the pain. There's nothing funny about cutting, and I wish I could stop. But I don't think I can until something, or someone, changes. I've changed and I don't know if it's for the better. But I can only hope it is.
If you've gotten this far you probably want to go kill yourself right about now. And I don't even care. I don't care what anyone does or says anymore, because I can't feel. I don't want to feel, scratch that I do. But I can't. I'm empty. The shell of the girl who couldn't take anymore. I'm nothing in their eyes and I've become nothing in mine