My grandma had a stroke.

My grandpa is having heart complications and is in hospital.

My cousin is having problems in her pregnacy..

My mum just had her birthday while waiting in a hospital with my grandpa and grandma.

And I can't help them.

I hate being a teen sometimes...
Everyone I ask tell me that being a teen is something you always remember but never want to repeat..

I can understand that.

It doesn't help when people are trying to figure out why your so angry or sad or fustrated..

It doesn't help when you can't even answer those questions yourself..

How are they meant to know if I can't figure it out?

Is it always going to be this confusing and cloudy?

I hate being what can't stop being..
I help others, so why can't I help myself?.

Why am I always feeling so..

lost.

so helpless..
I hate it..
I hate it..






















But I can't stop it..

Ok, I'm angry, fustrated, tired, confused and twitchy. Is it just me or do these holidays really suck.

I thought hey! This holiday I'll work out my life, prepare for my senior years and try and be, what's that word? organised?
Well I'm so close to braking some bone in my body just so I don't have to go to work. Seriously.

If they call me in one more time I'm going to go mad! Aren't there laws against this sort of thing? Basic rights for all beings....I mean, 10 hours of smileing and asking "How are you?" while scanning a customers enormous shopping load without a break can't be healthy.

It doesn't help when the response to your obviously forced question is anwsered "Oh good how are you?"

Sometimes I feel Like saying "Ummm... I've been standing here 6 hours, My back, legs, knees, shoulders and neck are acheing, I haven't Had a break yet and have 4 hours to go and you've just loaded your shopping that contain a large amount of heavy cans that I have to pack. WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!"

But in reality I just grin and say "Not too bad."

It's my job. The fake smile, the unnerving niceness? It's so wrong... Worst job for me. I hate kissing peoples ass.

I know work is tireing but atleast it's ok money. for me anyway. It's just times your mind (well, my mind...) starts to go all crazy.

   such as: I accidently drop the customers bag full of fruit (nice squishy, bruising things like Mangos) and of course I'd say "Oh my god, I'm so sorry" and in a way I would be. It was an accident and then I'd think, no I'm not! and my mind would cackle hillariously.

The things I do when I'm bored. jeez...I'm weird.

~Dhom

God I miss her...

Shit...

My sister has just totally screwed up my life socially.

I'm so fucked...

Ah well, Hopefulley it'll blow over. loo. quite funny really.
Bet she'll take it personally.

She'll play the victim card.

It's one thing to think something, but another to say it.

I really don't want to cause chaos in this incident. It's a little different. Feelings and ego are at stack and I'd prefer to slip under the radar than cause someone emotional turmoil. I've got too much on my mind as it is, without having to feel remorse for a harsh comment.

Damn conscience... ruins everything.

~Dhom

Got back from Duke Of Ed Hike. Three days in the middle of no where with no people... it was great. Sometimes you just need to retreat.

I could of hiked another two days I think. It was so beautiful at night and in the morning. So still, so silent. No one to tell you to do something or that things need to be to done. No time or race. Just you and the silence.

I had so much on my mind. Hiking was good for me. We did twenty km on the second day and I still wanted to keep going. It was as if I could vent all my worries and stress out with every stride of my body. I breathed out everything bad and tainted in my life, which enabled me to in hail the world.

To feel again. White instead of Grey. Fresh as an alternative to the clammy sticky feeling.

No longer numb...
My only regret is that it wont last forever. An escape is a wonderful thing, but to face the reality will be hard and depressing.

My troubles start on Monday. Always Monday. It is as if the beginning marks my down fall.

lol.
much like life of extistance itself.

"Death is the only unavoidable, unstoppable thing. You were sentanced to die the day you are born."

I can only hope that I will come out on top in the end.

I must remember this feeling when I'm suffocating under the opression that is called life.



I'll try to be a bit more chirpy in my next entry but dont bet on it. Plus everyone knows Diaries, Journals and first person writing are all full of shit. Whether they're meaningful or not.

~Dhomhainrua

I got my formal dress today. Yeah that's right, I actually do have a life away from the internet.

Who am I kidding...

Anyway, my parent was looking for something cheap, preferably half price.

Although I had a some what different approach...

I hate shopping, but whenever I do I seem to like things I cant possibly afford.

Anyway, I got something that I think was at a reasonable price.

It's black (no surprise). Think Marilyn Monroe in Black with better material and less hulter neckish. It's probably one of the only dresses that weren't slutty.

I'd call it classy.

Now I have to go work the graveyard shift, which suits me fine. So I'll probably be back on at around 1am.

~Dhom

Hate.
A bitter feeling engulfing the senses.
So treasured.
So unrelenting.

With the strength of a raging flame it flickers only when faced with love
But never put out or dimmed, for it cannot be overcome only matched.

Like an aged wine, when savoured it only sweetens.

Hate. An unavoidable emotion. The depiction of humanity.
Believed to be why people are driven in the world is Love. But one can only say that in vein. For it is through Hate we find Love. Through Vengeance we find Forgiveness and Evil, that Goodness can be achieved.

Through our Mistakes do we find the right path, not the other way round.

Well,
I just did a three day hike. Why? I have no idea... I just thought, why not.... well that will teach me.

On the first day it rained and everything in my pack got wet... the second day, the water pump broke so we had to boil all our water or it would be contaminated, so everything tasted like metho... that night my tent collapsed on my side and yet again I was wet and just when I thought it was all over, on the third day we ended up going the wrong way and having to hike an extra 
4 killometres up a cliff face... Oh fun...

Well I'm back to reality and after one day back in my life I'd rather do that hike all over again.

It gave me time to think without people intruding... Have you ever felt like you don't have anytime to yourself?
I like my space...


Heared a really good song today... dont know what it's called or who it was by (hopeless...) but I thought it was cool.

Have a thousand assesments due.. eh... I'll do it later...

I was reading this book called "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" It's got a hell of a lot of crap in it that appeals to me... like...
..."The average driver will swear or blaspheme more than 32000 times behind the wheel of their car in a lifetime"
...In the sixteenth centurary the law in England allowed men to beat their wives- but only before 10pm"
...."A hurricane releases more energy in ten minutes than all nuclear weapons combined"

Well... send me something if you find some wierd facts. lol, I'll probablly find it funny.

~Dhomhainraua

You know, reading back on my *Dairy* entries, It's dawned on me that I swear quite a bit... So, anyone who comes across this... do you think it's bad for a girl to swear? take the time and message me because I'm bored and I told you to...

Crap day.... Monday, enough said...
I won't bore all of you with my troubles...
~Dhom

**Sigh**

Todays been so depressing... A day of pitty... pitty for others and pity for ourselves.

One of those days where u just feel flat.... and like shit.

I woke up this morning and all I could think of was going to bed tonight. Is that normal?

~Dhomhainrua

Lost my soccer final today... I'm pretty shitty at myself...

Trust me to screw up on an important day....

Ah well, That's what I do best I guess...

~Dhomhainrua

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

I"M SO STUPID!

GOD!!!

I'VE JUST GONE AND COMPLETELY EMBARRASSED MYSELF!

SHIT... (Burries Head in Sand)

If anyone asks I'll just say I was drunk...

OH Damn I've already used that.... Umm...

            PMS!! Perfect!

- Dhomhainrua

P.S: Why am I so stupid, Argh... I can't get anything right. Everything I touch becomes so screwed up. My life's a joke. I'm asking who ever the hell is up there, are you that cruel that you decided to make me fail at everything I do? !!

**Sighs*** Pride, unfortunatly is something I have a lot of, thus, when I make a fucking fool of myself, I don't take humiliation very well, hence why I'm venting my stupid, self absorbed thoughts out in this wonderfully colourful language... sorry bout that...

Someone strike me down, here and now! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

It was my birthday and yet I'm not excited.... 16... I feel so old when I consider myself as a child or teen, and so young when thinking I'm an adult. The world is but before me and yet do I dare to take a step? Am I afraid that I must face reality sooner than expected? I know I cannot stay ingnorant and innocent of the world any longer but part of me wishes to. Cemented to the ground, my feet are when reality shows her uglyness face. And so, my mind contradicts it's self. Torn in the debate that although seem but inferior to problems in the world, is enough to keep me awake with random and stupid thoughts.


I'm so self absorbed. You'd think the least I could do is spell words correctly...


~Dhomhainrua

Reflection....

August the first...
I stayed home today because of my neck. It really hurts. The pain I can handle but it's really annoying because it's stiff and adgitating... My left ear is also infected... Today is just not my day I guess. I seem to be cursed with some ill fate. The quote "I am fortune's fool" comes to mind at the momment.
I'm procrastinating. I can't seem to bring myself to do what needs to be done.
I'm not myself, I am other where... But then the question comes to mind. Who Am I? What Am I? How Am I? actually... skip how... I think I want to live in ignorance for that part a little while longer...Or is it innocense?
*Sigh* questions, questions... I'm a broken record which plays over and over. All who know me don't, and all that don't do. A lost soul in the world of the souless... I matter to no one. I am but another begging being wanting, waiting, and for what I do not know.
How selfish am I? In everything that we do and everything that I do, it is done for no one but ourselves. A selfless act is but a myth in this world. Everything is done for one's gain. Whether it be money and fame, or the mere contentment of one's own guilt knowing others are worse off.

~Dhomhainrua