i'm back again, i would just like to point out that i do not expect anyone to read this, it's just my way of venting out. and if anyone is going through the same they can read this and realise that they are not alone in feeling how they do. i feel so alone at the moment, i wonder when things will stop going wrong and the people around me will stop fading away, i can barely remember their faces now, but my boy, he's face is still ver clearly there, maybe a little too clearly, i've been having nightmares, of the last few minutes i had with him, it feels so real and its like i'm loosing him over and over and over ever night, i wake up in a cold sweat with tears pouring and feel the need to pray for forgiveness (and i'm not a religious person) i still have so much guilt, they keep telling me there was nothing anyone could have done, just one of those things that happen......JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPEN??!!?!?!?!?!?! thats my son their talking about.... JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS...... JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS...... JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS..... the words re-play through my head, each time they seem to get louder, do people not think about what they say??! do they not realise that their words hurt me sooooo much, how dare they, he was my son, i gave birth to him, he fought like a trooper, he was not just a THING, and definatly did not JUST HAPPEN. i had 24 weeks of glorious pregnancy, and no to all those people who class it as, he was no classed as miscarriage, he had both a birth and death certificates and we buried him. that was the worse day of my life... the day i buried my son, although i know it wasn't really him, it was his body, i don't know where his soul went, i like to think he has gone somewhere better, that he is playing with the angels or laying in the arms of his uncle chris, but i don't know, i just want to know that he's happy. i miss him so much, i only had a short time with him but it was the sweetest time i've had, such tiny tiny feet have left such a big foot print on my life... i cant look and anything or hear anything without it some how reminding me of him, i went out last night, just with some very old friends who i hadn't seen since we were children ourselves. i cant seem to escape it at the moment, obviously whilst finding out about each other i was asked if i had kids, and i said yes 2, they couldn't seem to understand, i have 2 children, but only one with me. how do i explain it when i don't understand it myself. i dunno. my head still feels very messed up and i still want to just curl up into a ball and disappear, but i know i can't and so i'll continue on with life feeling the way i do, i hope one day i can smile again and whole heartedly mean it. at the moment i don't see that happening.