so.... today i feel a bit better.... but i think by better i mean a bit numb-er. sitting in my garden with the sun against my back and a freshly rolled but unlit cigerette in hand, i actually smiled to myself..... i actually smiled.... i finally have admitted to everyone around me that i'm not doing as well as i constantly make out, which came as a bit of surprise to some, and i feel like a big weight has been lifted off of me, and i can breath... i'm not very optimistic that the feeling will last as it is now only 31 days until what would have Chase's first birthday.....i'm still undecided as to what i want to do that day.... maybe just curl up in a ball and shut out the world around me... on the 17th i will be letting a sky lantern go with a message from me and a drawing from his big sister, in some pathetic attempt to get them to him, i know they wont reach him but its a nice thought, oh how i wish i cold just take a peak into heavan and see him one last time. on the up side the nightmares seem to have come to a hault, thankfully. i actually slept for the first time last night without waking.... i think i must have got about 4 hours of solid sleep... while has obviously made me feel a bit better. its strange to think that this time last year i'd hadn't l;ong found out i was pregnant with Chase and was happier than ever. how things can change so much in such a small period of time never stops amazing me. anyway.... i have still got loads to do today so i better get on.

mummy loves you Chase, i hope you know that. xxxx

i'm back again, i would just like to point out that i do not expect anyone to read this, it's just my way of venting out. and if anyone is going through the same they can read this and realise that they are not alone in feeling how they do. i feel so alone at the moment, i wonder when things will stop going wrong and the people around me will stop fading away, i can barely remember their faces now, but my boy, he's face is still ver clearly there, maybe a little too clearly, i've been having nightmares, of the last few minutes i had with him, it feels so real and its like i'm loosing him over and over and over ever night, i wake up in a cold sweat with tears pouring and feel the need to pray for forgiveness (and i'm not a religious person) i still have so much guilt, they keep telling me there was nothing anyone could have done, just one of those things that happen......JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPEN??!!?!?!?!?!?! thats my son their talking about.... JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS...... JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS...... JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS..... the words re-play through my head, each time they seem to get louder, do people not think about what they say??! do they not realise that their words hurt me sooooo much, how dare they, he was my son, i gave birth to him, he fought like a trooper, he was not just a THING, and definatly did not JUST HAPPEN. i had 24 weeks of glorious pregnancy, and no to all those people who class it as, he was no classed as miscarriage, he had both a birth and death certificates and we buried him. that was the worse day of my life... the day i buried my son, although i know it wasn't really him, it was his body, i don't know where his soul went, i like to think he has gone somewhere better, that he is playing with the angels or laying in the arms of his uncle chris, but i don't know, i just want to know that he's happy. i miss him so much, i only had a short time with him but it was the sweetest time i've had, such tiny tiny feet have left such a big foot print on my life... i cant look and anything or hear anything without it some how reminding me of him, i went out last night, just with some very old friends who i hadn't seen since we were children ourselves. i cant seem to escape it at the moment, obviously whilst finding out about each other i was asked if i had kids, and i said yes 2, they couldn't seem to understand, i have 2 children, but only one with me. how do i explain it when i don't understand it myself. i dunno. my head still feels very messed up and i still want to just curl up into a ball and disappear, but i know i can't and so i'll continue on with life feeling the way i do, i hope one day i can smile again and whole heartedly mean it. at the moment i don't see that happening.

Everyting sucks!!!
im confussed and alone, my head hurts and i need to sleep. the stress of it all is way too much to handle, i just wanna curl up in a ball and cry until i cant cry anymore! xxx