Doctor;; I dont know what im going to do.

Yeah Um,
your surgery.
Might not be the key.

Do not put the light on as there is a FIRE HAZARD.

You dont even look at me anymore.
Don't hold back the Moments.
Because they are the most
Special moments, I've ever experienced.
With no one but you.
With no one but you.

I miss the way you looked at me,
With those pretty eyes.
Those Beautiful eyes.
I know we cant look at this the same.
But its everything to me.
Its everything to me.
I just dont know how to let it go.
I dont know how to let everything go.

I miss you.

Although Im Here without you, Baby.
Your still on my Mind,
I think about you, Baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

Im here without you.
But your still with me in my dreams.

Hi,
I got home and I realised I forgot my KEY.
So I waited outside.
In the . COLD.
From 4:00
To
5:30.

It seemed like a long time.
My feet are numb.
Finally mom comes home and was like :

"I've been calling you for so long!"

Welll Um, How am I supposed to answer.
Phone in house.
Mally outside house.



Then she says:

"Were you cold?"


Umwtf?

"No mom, I decided to catch a TAN actually, it was coming along nicely."



Grwar.

Dear Diary,
Today I met up with Bertie.
and then Ben dawson.
WHOS GONNA GET US SOME CANNABIS PLZ.
Okay and then,
we found Will O.o
and I went on his quad bike.
It was so much fun.
And now im back home,
and I have a drama asignment to do.
I dont like drama asignments.

OTHER MATTERS.

Well, ACtually I have to go now.
Headingback to Leeds finally.

Tell you when I get home Fo Sho.

MuCH LOVE.

Okay. Time for a rant.
I need to get some shit off my chest,
And I don’t seem to have an outlet right now O.o
For whatever reason.
Usually its Nicholas,
But well, I guess he’s busy.
So here goes.

Okay, so it’s about Nicholas,
As well as a melodic accompaniment
Of many other factors.
But mainly my babe.
Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why
He is not my outlet.

I am in a mood of poo
Because, I FEEL LIKE
Nicholas is being rather poooy.

I feel like i want to take a big (Soft) Pebble. (Made of FOAM)
And throw it at him.
But I cant find any pebbles
and maybe that wont solve anything.
But who cares.
Okay I care.

Okay Fristly, Nicholas is a very.
Okay.
My Nicholas is a very sensitive towards me.
He's not your typical RAWR ALPHA MALE when it comes to Emotions and feelings and such.
He's very pacient.
My perfect counter balance.
We balance, we fit.
He can be aggressive and HOT when he wants to be.
TURN ME ON LIKE A SWTICH LIKE.
But more to the point, when it comes to matters of the heart <3
He's sensitive
and sweet.
I find that very sexy. Actually.

Hes being Weird.
I cant put my finger on it.
But its there.

He's Being a CRAPhead.
And getting really Defensive and stuff.
So Im like thinking.
"Uh, what are you doing? Craphead?"
But I dont think he would like being called that.
So I wont say that anymore, Because I do love him.

Okay so TOM FEATHERSTONE told Nick that;
"Oh theres this guy who likes mally at our school, so she flirts with other guys to hurt his feelings."


Yeah, That makes me want to hurt him.
Okay.
"Um. Wtf?"
Does that even SOUND LIKE ME?
NO FAG. NO.
Okay but rewind.
It took me a long time to find out who actually told him this,
because he was being stubborn.
And was like
"Why does it matter?"


Well.
"it matters cuz they're bullshitting about me."

Finally, I found out it was Tom.
I guess, no surprise there.
Whoop.
:/

I said to Nicholas "Nick, Do i sound like the kind of person who would do something like that just to make someont hurt"

"Well You cheated on me. That fucking hurt."

Well, OKay, I understand that.
But what am i supposed to say to that.
I wanted to say
I DIDNT DO IT INTENTIONALLY.
But then, "Well you werent raped mally." and things would get worse.
So i shut up.
I didnt do it intentionally to hurt him.
But obviously I knew it would kill him
the moment I let it happen.
Okay shut up.


Im so Confused sometimes.
He looks to me for Reassurance,
and i am more than prepared to
supply him with
thousands and thousands of
um
litres of it
But when I do,
He starts challanging me.
Getting defensive.
I love him to death. I guess its how he deals with it.

He wants to talk
but when i try to talk
it feels like he's biting my head off.
All these questions hes asking me
and im trying so hard to answer them
but then I get confused because
hes throwing baotu 8 questions at a time at me.
And suddenly
IM the one being defensive.
I cannot organise my thoughts.

And when Im challanged,
Come on, you know what im like.
I get stubborn.
I get up onto my HIGH HORSE.
and get caught up inmyself.
And im like "okay whatever"
I do stupid shit like
not talking
or being cold.
But I really feel that
Nicholas :$
has taught me
that sometiems you should just
[ SWOLLOW YOUR GODDAMN RPIDE ]
and reach out a hand.

Its so difficult sometimes, giving the nature of me.
But when I do
he always comes back to me.
and it feels so good to have him back :$
You see, hes the kind of person who needs to be held when things are hard.
And im the kind of girl who gets all cold when im hurt.
Im Adjusting constantly for him,
And I like it.
Believe that?
I like it.
I really do.



Anyway, we leave on a bad note. Ish.
I say we never have good times anymore.
He says we do, i just dont focus on them.
But its easier to focus on bad times,
to make myself more upset.
So i can bitch and whine more.
But that was a lie.
I love our good times.
Wouldnt change them for the world.

I come online in the morning today.
And I APOLOGISE
for the thousanth time in the past few weeks
for all my fuck ups
and my mistakes.
Everything.
He says its okay babe.
So its okay.
But its not okay.
Im on my knees and im trying.
Im WILLING to talk about everything,
and sort it out
so we're happy again.
But he seems busy.
So I ask him
if he is
he says NO.
I tell him it would be better if we talked about it later etc.
When we're more focused.
Secretly, I admit, i was
expectingh im to say
"No baby, this is importnat, lets do it now"
Butno.
He agrees and says we can talk about it in a few hours.
So theres my reverse phsycology scheme
thrown out the window.

Ok. A few hours.
Um why?
"I have to eat breakfast"
Okay, now i feel like hes avoiding me.
Okay, now im hurting.
"Oh baby, your going now?" from me.
"Yes ill be back"

So then im thinking
Is this a
[A few hourssss] be back
or
[a few minutes] be back
or a
[I dont want to tell you because your prying into my life and holding me back from all the things i want to do because your so goddamn clingy] be back.


Well, thats what he said when we broke up, so I really dont want to do that again.
I suddenly felt a wave of emmbarrasment and all these different feelings.
I try not to be clingy.
He said he'de be back in an hour.

And then I feel
WHy do I even try?
because it hurts to be rejected when im only trying to do good.
So.
I said
its okay (not okay)
nevermind. (although I do mind)
Have a good day.


he said
"...:("

I was just thinking, okay your not really sad.
and then
Iloveyou bye (exit.)








Um.
He Doesn't like me anymore.
How do you stop feelings changing?


/Exit.

Izzy: Im feeling quite happy except for my total lack of male companionship.
Me: WHAT ABOUT KATY? *pause* Oh, Male. WHAT ABOUT KATY?

So, heres to new year.
And with all tears, Love will bloom.

Hmm, I was Thinking.
Maybe I should write STUFF,
Instead of just,
Using song lyrics.




Theres still a little bit of your face, that I havent kissed.

Brrm,
I feel happy today <3.

"If you dont care,
Why the fuck should I?"

Why should I have to get hurt,
When it doesnt matter.


Why should I make such an effort for you?

Why you couldnt you just stay?
My world is nothing, without you.
Now I dont know what to do,
With myself.