I just want to grow up already. I'm tired off feeling embaressed and awkard, and being stuck in these teenage roles. I'm tired feeling like there's no room in people expections to be something new. I'm tired of being given greif over what sweatshirt I wear or how I do my hair, stupid things like that! Like, unless you act the same as everyone else, the little ways you're different define you. I'm tired of getting looks and being called weird. I'm tired of being ignored by the majority of the school because I don't have anything to say about parties or sports. I want to get a job and my license. I hope this summer I go someplace, meet new people, or do stuff with my friends more. I beleive it's time- even if only in little ways- I start grow up. I want to get OUT because if I just keep doing the same thing I'll be stuck.

This can't be for real.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=NwcLdCT3IsI&;search=david%20hasselhoff

But it is.

I only smile a little
If I grinned you’d see
The nerves bubbling up
Every time you bump
And shake your head
And smile at me

On TV, lovers are sophisticated
Sly, flirtatious, and smooth
But you don’t have to be cool
Just make a move
And we can be
Awkward, bubbling
Happy
Fools

I am confusing. I confuse people. Not only do I talk to myself, I talk to myself in a langauge no one else would understand- complete with its own refereneces, sayings, even my own words. I have inside jokes that are inside only to myself! Dark, half-muttered jokes they are...
Unforunatley, when I talk other to people, I sometimes forget to translate. There's a running joke amoung my friends, that I'm always the one to get really excited on some rant... until I realize that no one has a clue what I'm talking about! It make me feel very very Kajiura's "The World" sometimes. (See, you don't get it. Or if you do, high five!)

Links to songs- pretty and melancholy and fun

Melt your Heart: http://team-love.com/bands/jenny/releases.html
Honey: http://www.dovemanmusic.com/
On the Bus Mall: http://www.the-big-ticket.blogspot.com/
Either Way: http://www.guster.com/multimedia/
Judas: http://aurgasm.us/
Baby Got Back Cover http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2005/10/14/thing-a-week-5-baby-got-back/
Thirteen: http://www.sweetadeline.net/multimedia.html
I’ll Believe Anything: http://the-big-ticket.blogspot.com/2005/12/give-me-your-eyes-i-need-sunshine.html
Hold me Now, Arcade Fire Live, Ground for Divorce: http://www.iguessimfloating.blogspot.com/
Don’t Leave: http://www.threeringrecords.com/floss.html
Close your Eyes: http://iguessimfloating.blogspot.com/2006/01/jump-little-children.html
Greenday/Oasis: http://www.darknet.com/2004/12/green_day_vs_oa.html
Magnet in You: http://youaintnopicasso.blogspot.com/2005/06/lesser-birds-of-paradise.html
Pretty Dress: http://jarsonic.modblog.com/?show=blogview&blog_id=745667
Adelaide: http://www.old97s.com/discography/index.html
Melody of a Fallen Tree, Another Rescue: http://www.windsorforthederby.com/
You’ve Escaped, Naked as We Came, Hate: http://indiedontdance.blogspot.com/
Am I Allowed: http://youaintnopicasso.blogspot.com

*Nobody*

The people I truely care about
All say nobody cares
And it hurts me most of all to hear
"If I disapearred
Nobody would care"

Cassettes in the backseat of winter
Snowfall for the jam band that plays forever
You’re a kind soul and I’m a dreamer
When I was younger
The first star burned all the brighter
Through canopies of a lost summer
Over the fields and hiking trails
Above the path of a runner
If you scrape your knees, smile at me
And I’ll wonder
And save an airplane made
Of construction paper
For the year after
And the year after

Kim's party was wicked fun. Chocalate dippy things, and toilet paper dogdeball, and hide-and-seek in an empty church, and lots of great people, yes! I'm going to miss Kim, though... she's so bubbly and nice. I wish I'd gotten to know her better.

Exactly how I'm feeling:
http://jarsonic.modblog.com/?show=blogview&blog_id=745667

I have found my new favorite thing! It is the marvel comic Runaways about a group of teenagers find out their parents are secretly super-villians, and form their own group. Humor! Treachery! Romance! Twists that actually aren't obvious! Teen angst to the extreme!
There are some panels and covers that I could stare at for ten minutes, just trying to grasp how the artist put so much expression and movement and lighting and style into one frame. The ending gave me shivers. All the characters, even the ones who seemed annoying at first, become lovable. And most lovable of all is Molly, the youngest and most fun member of the crew, with the best one-liners:
"I'm a mutant but not a bad one like Magento a good one like Doop and the X-Statix and when I grow up I'm gonna join the X-Men and get married to Wolverine so you better not act prejudiced around me. 'Kay?"
You will love it. I will let you borrow it, but not until I read it five or six or seven more times, and not until you take an oath to absolutely positively give it back in a puntual time, because you will want to keep the book and look at it, and hug it, but it is mine, mine, mine. Now if only amazon carried the second season.

Jew-jitsu. This has made my day.
http://www.jewishworldreview.com/0106/kalish_dangerous_jew.php3
Seriously. How hot is that?

I just finished watching wolf's rain the other night. If you are watching that series, the following rant is full of spoilers, so you might want to avoid it.

Anyways, I'm conflicted about the ending. On one hand, the image of all the characters running to meet each other again was really emotional and poigant. But the whole, "It's all repeating again" thing is so cliche, and it kind of makes the entire series pointless, if they never get to paradise. All they do is meet up and walk around for awhile and never get anywhere.

And then I started to think (and this is where the rant goes off a little), isn't that the way life is? That we never reach that perfect endgame (like paradise), and if we do, the goal we think we're working for often isn't worthwhile? Maybe what matters is that we find each other along the way. That's our real destiny- to fight, to fall in love, to become friends, to lose each other.

Or maybe it's just a really crappy ending, and I'm trying to justify it. 

Updates on my life:

As a jew, this year was the first year I celebrated Chrismas! Obviously not the whole Jesus thing, but I stayed over the house of our super-close family friends, and did the whole stocking and tree bit. My godmother got us so many wonderful presents, I was like, "You realize we're not really your kids right?" It was very sweet and cozy and fun, and in the true spirit of the holidays- being with your friends and the people you love!

I also had a lot of fun with Julie, Ashley, and Sam playing charades and watching movies, and shopping with Sam.

As for the complain-y bit of my life, the boy I had a crush on probably doesn't like me back, that is, if the whole glazed-over glare he gives me every time I smile that him is any indication.

http://magazine.anipike.com/index.php?article=53

I have discovered the anime music video. It may kill my computer, but it is a good way to kill a computer. The marraige of anime and tunes is one I have my whole-hearted blessing to. This: http://www.animemusicvideos.org/members/members_videoinfo.php?v=52625
makes me happy.

Things I'm looking forward to:
-Hannukah and Christmas on the same day this year! Which means big celebrations with my family friends
-Seeing "Rent"
-The scholastic arts/writing awards (fingers crossed!)
-My favorite shows- Battlestar Galatica and 24 coming back on TV
-Finally having free time after History Fair (?)

Things I'm not looking forward to:
-Dental surgery
-Decemember break's yearly family vacation- not only the opposite of relaxing, but eats up free time

Thing I'm ambivilant about happening:
-History Fair: I'm nervous, but proud of my project. Also, while I really REALY don't want to keep working on the thing, I secretly would like to win, you know, for the sake of being awesome.
-Getting my PSAT back- I'm probably annihilated the Vocab/ Reading Comprehension section, but math...
-The Semi-Formal: Okay, I know these things suck. In my past experiences, school have sucked every time. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results. Only know, it seems, if the circumstanes are right...things are shaping up to be interesting... Maybe I'll go. Maybe.
-The Holiday Overkill: I do ADORE those claymation/puppet specials of the Snowmiser and the Heatmiser and Rodulf, for they are huge on the cheesey special effects, songs, and voice-acting. However, the yearly onslaught of "let's put a chic, modern twist on rodolf/santa/the christmas carol/the grinch/jesus" can drive one insane after awhile.

One exercise I like to do is take the cheesiest, hoakiest sources possible, and see if I can't read something deeper into them. That's what I did for this poem about the Power Rangers last summer:

I have a headache from this world
Build around teenagers, spadex, skateboarding
Where people fight in masks
Trusting wristbands over their hearts
Thinking a white face
In a liquid tub is God
My only friends are made of rubber
I don't care if they get torn apart
It's not skin, it's fake
The way this town is fake
Deep volcanic ache
As my head aches to be free
Of robotic figures united to depict
Force, protection, superiority
Speaking through one body
I want to speak alone
My voice rebeverating distinctly
"Get them, get them
Don't be flipped backwards
Don't let your heads crush together
Don't be stupid. Fight."

Thoughts:

I'm happy right now. I've had a lot of times of lonliness, dread, and anxiety, and now, I finally have peace, hell, even some fun. Gotta like that.

I recommend Invincibles project on elfwood. Anyone can participate, and it has uncanny quality of characters, plot twists, and pure fun. It's sending me off my "stories need to be challanging and thought provoking" platform, to a new view of "archetypes are archetypes for a reason: unversial themes are good for the heart."

I've written a song. It's called Love Me in a New Way:

You’re gonna have to love me in a new way
You’ve loved other girls before
The pretty lines and valentines
Stole their heart but they won’t steal mine
And promises of forevermore

You’re gonna have to love me in a new way
Cause I’m not like the others baby
A martyr in shining armor
Won’t charmed me the way it charmed her
Cause I don’t want someone to save me

But I need someone to love me in a new way

Instead of just going through the motions
And if the shower of gifts and flowers
Ever was to dry up or to somehow grow sour
Would that end your devotion

You’re gonna have to love me in a new way
Not just play princess and prince
Please show me that you know me
Cause I’ve been afraid and I’ve been lonely
And I really want to be convinced

So if you love me
Love me in a new way

Songs that really get on my nerves:
331- "Amber is the Color of your Energy"
"I don't need no forking knife, I don't need no knife and fork." I don't know if it's a really song, but my sister insists on singing that one line over and over.
"Mr. Lonely":

Lonely im so lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely, im mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely,

The Most Redundant Lyrics Ever- sung by a midget, and rapped over. What more can I say?

"I Almost Cut my Hair." This 60s song my dad likes, about a hippie... who almost cut his hair.
Papa Roach- "Scars". It's like it was stolen from some random cliche poetry. If you're gonna spread the angst, at least do so orginaly, with a little subtly maybe?

I sumbitted my story "Input" to Merlyn's Pen- one of the most famous teen-writers maganizes. They always reject my stuff, probably because most of what they publish has a "cultural experiences" or "teens learn to be individuals/ deal with teen issues" type theme, and what I send in is usually trippy science fiction, also, because their stuff is frickin awesome. But since I've rewritten the story like five times, I think I may have a shot.
Anyways, I'm gonna be published into the online maganize "The Squid" in a month! The story I wrote for it is kind of a sappy, and kind of Jewish-folktale-flavored, about angels and dealing with loss.
Y'all should read The Squid anyways (http://the-squid.com/issue9/) because it has great fantasty/scifi writtened by teenagers.

"What's wrong with this sentence:"

The problem with the PSAT is there is no answer:

F. It's not pretty or profound, and it doesn't rhyme. No one reading it would ever feel any kind of connection, or have any interest in reading further, so what's the point?