Its all so fake. It always has been. 'ohhh Im sorry *hugs* I love you, I care'.....  "I care" 

blah blah fucking blah. :) and just so you know, this is not directed towards one person... but all of you! :) or well most... pretty much, if you think that there is a chance that your one of the people I really dont think cares about me, even though you say you do (words are cheap) ummm *got lost* but if you think you may be included, the most likely you are!

its soooo fucking halarious.... people saying they care... when in fact, they dont! not really, and they never really did... Im not just living a lie, Im living in a lie... this whole fucking world, this whole fucking 'reality' of mine has been build on lies. and lies are worth nothing, haha this life of mine, its worth nothing. this is all so loverly. realization, again, smacking me in the face... knocking me on my ass... life sucks... lol


while Im at it might as well ramble on about a few more things... not like I have anything better to do. Jenn was right, nothing changed, it never will... got my hopes up, and then had them squashed. what I want and what is are two completly different things, or at least thats how it seems these days... la la la la la, Im failing math... never have literally had a failing grade in my life. at the moment though, Im really not careing. Im not really caring about anything. I feel as if Im going backwards. dealing with things as I used to, Ive began to really shut people out again. after working so hard, for so long to be able to open up... all effort wasted...

I go unnoticed, sometimes its acctually kinda scary. like Im litterally invisible... if I were gone, no one would notice. okay thats not true, of course some people would notice. how could they not? they wouldnt have me bugging them and being the annoying, bitchy, whiny, selfish person I am... they'd be relieved haha... anywho- Im done rambling... Ive done plenty today already.... 

strangeness... I was SO very sure that I was over cutting. then I saw box cutters. and memories flashed. mom was talking to me, but I couldnt hear her, just see the box cutters as she waved them around while she talked. anywho, I searched for the box cutters last night, but couldnt find them... and all was good, until while organizing my room. I found MY scissors. my lovelies. I though i had lost them. they arent the greatest, nor horribly sharp. but they are faithful... were always there when I needed them. and they are small, I can carry them around with me easily. horray for test cuts! I couldnt help myself. the temptation was too strong. I had to work to cut. I had to work to see my own blood. but I cut my legs, and its great... I missed cutting my legs. this is all so beautiful.. and what a pick me up! anywho.. got stuff to do... soo I guess that's it for now

this is weird, haven't really wrote in my elftown diary, I have a livejounral, and I real time diary. but this is seeming conveniant at the moment. sooo... am missing Alvin, though Im glad that hes not... here I guess, because I am being a heartless bitch. who would of thunk it? me a heartless bitch? anyways, I hurt people. and I found amusment in it. either simple pleasure, or I just thought the situation was odd and/or funny.

 you know, I appretiate all my friends. expecially Jenn, one of the very very few people who love me unconditionally. you know I was thinking, its odd... most people who are my friends say they love me, but some dont. makes me question how much they 'truely care'. I remember once, I told someone (a friend) I loved them (as a friend). and they didnt say it back. that was a while ago. of course most people say the words 'I care' but 'I care' simply isnt 'I love'. and its love I want... but how can I expect people to love me, when I cant love myself. and when I cant care for them. this is all so very stupid. Im stupid. I love but not care really. If 'they' were to die, then I would be hurt. but them hurting, doesnt hurt me as much as me hurting hurts them. and them hurting doesnt hurt me as much as I sometimes pretend it does. and just because I dont 'care' doesnt mean Im not here to help, and doesnt mean that I dont want things to work out for them. its just that if things dont completly work out for them. if they are horribly depressed. its just that, it doesnt effect me. like it should, like it maybe once did. of course maybe it never had an effect on me. maybe its all been a lie from the very start. maybe Im such a pathetic, lying, hypocrite. that that's most of what I am now, or most of what I have always been.

I should keep my mask on, and live my lie, I should let things be, and continue to hide... never show my true feelings, never show my bad side. plastic smiles and fake feelings of concern. I should of let them keep thinking, that was the real me... I should of left things alone... but of course I didnt, becuse weakness always gets the better of me. I dont know when Im lying and when Im telling the truth anymore, I thought I was a spider, but now I see Im just a fly, caught in the web spun by my own hands, caught in my own tangled mess of lies.

shit... its 1:43 now, and I cant keep my head up. I took some pills for a headache, shit took like 9 of them... something Im not as used to taking either. of course Im not high, not really. but the world is an uneven place at the moment, that doesnt make sence. just the world around me moves in slightly odder ways than usual. nothing much. enough to keep me walking into sides of doorways though. sad, the thought of drugs... has been a thought lingering in my mind lately. I need to make some phone calls. blah, I need to track my 'long lost' friend down. she'd get me what I want. for free even. yes I know, drugs make one very stupid. and it kills brain cells galore! but regardless, my brain is withering away. I swear, Im getting stupider and stupider. soooo I dont really know what Im getting at. I forgot. It's early and I need to go lie down. so I think I shall work on that...