Just so everyone knows I dont think I will be on tonight. sorry Jenn. I pissed my mom off / I dont want to be on really. but thats another story. ohhh and Jade get msn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want those songs lol :P

I want scissors.

the dogs are barking.

I feel lonely again.

Im tiered.

My eyes are blood shot.

I've not hurt myself in such a long time.

I just want to feel again.

I want to feel... I want to feel you...

I wish you were here.

I wish you were okay.

I wish there was somthing I could do.

wishing has yet to get me anywhere.

so why do I continue to wish?

does it matter?

why am I asking such meaningless questions?

o.0 that in itself was a question wasnt it?

I did it again...

Im bored.

Im dead.

Im alive.

I wish I was, I wish I wasnt. I wish I wish I wish, I sound like a broken record.

Im getting on my neves.

Im selfish

saying Im selfish, in its self is a selfish statment isnt it?

damn, there I go with the questions again.

someone shoot me, I think Im stuck in a loop!

bang!

*falls dead*

Katy says:
every body's asked me if youre completely phsyco

what a day... apparently people think Im crazy... Im REALLY not all that insane... REALLY!!!!!! anywho, w/e Ive had a fairly good day... Ive been more or less cutting myself off from people. the clam has returned! Im tiered of most people... and at the moment Im only doing whats best for me. I know that seems selfish, but why continue to talk to 'friends' who only hurt me...
*cough* Michael *cough* blah... not like he really gives a shit anyways... In my twisted little mind I started to think that maybe he had this master plan devised to get me to disslike him so we would no longer be friends... lol sounds like something I would do... sounds like something I have done... at any rate, I got his Christmas gift today! yesh, I disslike him at the moment, and even looking at him fills me with anger... but as a person. hes not bad... in fact is quite the amazing thing. *nods* good hearted deep down... or maybe not lol... eh, I think its just a me thing. he just doesnt like ME specifically... but who could blame him.. If I were someone else, I'd kill me...or at least just REALLY hate me and think about ways I could kill me... soo basically if I were someone else, I'd feel the same as if I were myself... lol 

Whitney hasnt been at school for days now... Im starting to get worried... ehhh... well not TOO worried, this is horrible too... but Im acctually slightly mad at her, damn... I know Im mad at A LOT of people at the moment... but there is only so much a girl can take... good thing is Im not letting it get me down so much, and so far I havent cut because of built up anger... but we'll just see how that goes.

Funny little tid bit, I sometimes 'blush' seemingly out of the blue because when I get overloaded, it just happens lol.. when Im overloaded and angry.. and my face gets all hot, I HATE IT!

Kayla randomly told the the peoples that I call my self 'kittie' haha alex called me that today, and I answered him! wooo Im unsmart lol, its all good... I dont know what Im writing about anymore... oh we are reading poetry in English... Its awesome! I acctually get it! ooo we read this one poem today, it was pretty nifty... I liked the meaning behind it more than the poem its self... but the author did a REALLY good job of expressing his concept by using symbolism in nature and such... this one part "I wake to sleep" I want to think the author is talking about how we live to die... I could be wrong though... anywho the poem was called oh shit.. lol what was it called... waking... something like that lol :P  Im feeling all symbolic today, ever feel like that? well Ive rambled enough... I'll leave on this note... symbolism KICKS ASS *bows* (am not sure why Im bowing lol)


"your so fucking special... I wish I was special"

its weird, even when I use different soap or w/e... I still smell the same... everyone has their own personal smell, its nifty. lol I keep sniffing myself, yea I know Im such a freak... anywho mom went shoping bought new furniture for the living room and a new tabel and chairs for the kitchen... will be delivered next week. ohhh and they got a cd/cassette/radio/ record player! omg its great! they went and got all their old records... ohhh and mom got out my childhood strawberry shortcake and raggady ann records both kick ass by the way! I did the hokey pokey! (im such a dork I know, even my little brother wouldnt do it with me :P) ooo we have cheesecake! it tastes weird though... probably cuz its not homemade... I do believe the only cheese cake I've ever had has been homemade..

I made a 90 on my math test that we took yesterday... not too bad I dont guess... blah I didnt read the directions, cost me 6 points... *is a dumbass* I REALLY need to bring my grades up... :( I dont want 3 Cs blahness... Im such a loser anywho

woo! Disco Duck!!! lmao... moms record from when she was 10ish :P  lmao I was dancing... sorta... suprsingly, me and my parents arent fighting... we were in the same room for at least 20 mins! and not even a bicker... 

The things that used to REALLY bother me. they dont anymore. I didnt want them to bother me anymore, so now they dont. postive thoughts and will is all. Ive been opening my little mind to the world, and am not as selfish as I was not so long ago. though I dont think there is a real apparent change, people dont realize, just how much and how fast I tend to change at times. Its like a new chelsea is born every few months. or well not new, but different... change isnt always a bad thing after all, and differences should be celebrated *random* samantha said that Im changing her for the better, makes me feel good, to know that I've made a real difference in someones life. I wish people would stop telling me to 'smile' and asking me 'whats wrong' because I really am fine right now. funny, when I am doing well it seems that people think Im upset. and when I really am upset, people percieve me to be fine. that could be becuase when Im really happy, not fake happy, Im calm. and I tend to almost lose my sense of humor. its not that I dont smile, just my reasons for smiling change. I wish people could see strait into my mind, expecially lately, the mental images are amazing. for some reason there is still ink, but its not the same as it once was. I wish I knew why there are so many images in my mind that have ink in them. I think it symbolizes loneliness and isolation. would make sense, expecially when I compare the images of a few months ago, with the ones from now... :) I keep getting random sparks of complete and total inner peace, I love it. wish I felt like this more often, I feel as though I could do anything.

IM BACK!!! and lately life has been fairly good... ooo Michael got me a really awesome poster of amy lee for christmas. I LOVE IT!!!

mom and me are arguing more than usual. it bothers me. and I had a dream, where I killed someone... it was funny, because I hurt them, in the way that me and my friends always talking about hurting people... well thats it I think...

Just sooo you all know after today Im grounded and wont be on for a few days... blah parents even considered not letting me go to the winterball...

I was talking to my friend Whitney last night and somehow I ended up confesing that Im not exactly ummm strait. I dont think Ive really came out to anyone around here before. I mean, some people know, I think... but Ive never acctually told them strait forward that I was bi. or maybe I have and just dont remember lmao. still I think only 3 people around here know, and thats how I intend on keeping it! alright!!! you got that michael! shhhhh!!!!!! if my parents ever found out... If my family found out... blah... anywho... keep this hush hush alright? 

whitney said something sorta asked if I had a lesbian crush on her... but I really dont. I've never thought about her like that. somehow I dont think people are going to believe that lol eh doesnt matter... know whats funny, I've known for years. Im suprised no one has ever found out before this year. well people were saying last year that I was gay... haha I think the 'rumor' started becuase I hung out with lesbians and then someone saw me check some girl out... lmao... damn Im admiting too much. anywho... thats enough confessing for one day I do believe.

today was good/horrible... I dunno, have you ever just felt horribly ugly? so ugly you dont even want people to look at you? yea... anyways it was one of those days.

I decided, I sleep WAY too much. and I liked things better when I slept little, rather than sleeping an ungodly amount. I was thinking and on average, I sleep about 3 to 4 times as much as I used to. litterally... and its horrible! yeah I do sometimes get depressed while Im pondering half awake half asleep. but better to get depressed at home than anywhere else I do supose. at the moment Im running on 3 and a halfish hours of sleep. I'm tiered and I've only been up 12 hours. pathetic... I think I can twist things. get my body running on 3 hours easily again. I hope so anyways........... I feel like Im going to be sick, I dont know if I need food or not. I ate lunch... I dont really feel like eating. but I will Ima eat homemade rolls and green beans or something for supper, its really good...

why Im being bored as hell. might as well ramble on about how I get to spend this week packing my stuff up and getting ready to move to this (by this I mean the end of the house with the bedroom and then the computer/laundry room) end of the house... Im getting my parents bed room, brandon gets mine, mom and dad and madison get brandons. at the moment I have the middle size room. now I'll have the smallest room. but its okay, because I'll be at the end of the house with the other phone line. so I can have my own phone line. so thats cool. and I dont need a lot of space anyways, Im finally getting mother to get ride of most my furniture. cuz I disslike it lol, So Im going to have my bed and my thing with my tv and such. and then like a table lol. and anywho, if we are really great and hurry this up. then hopefully hopefully Im going to have some peoples (my friends) come out and we are going to paint my walls and such! cuz i hate that wood pannel shit thats up there now. it bothers me. I cant have a room with that lol... and we need to do something about the carpet... cuz it will drive me insane... its ugly.

Im spoiled. Renne came down this afternoon, she bought me these really pretty clear shoes to wear with my dress... and then was like, well what jewlery are you going to wear? and im like I dunno I dont really have any lol (i dont ever wear jewlery so yea) and shes like well then we'll have to get you a necklas and a bracelet and such... lol, I dunno how people can afford me. eh, then again Im usually not wanting stuff, unless its like money for a school trip or the occasional shoping or w/e. Im not having much luck finding a job. damn I could get a job easier if i were 16. not 15... anywho, going to call around later tonight see how all is hiring... if anybody is lol. if worse comes to worse I will work in Dawson. I'd rather work in dawson, but Its less convenient or w/e.. but anywho, I have homework, which I need to do. which Im acctually going to do, suprise suprise! Im even doing that damn math bonus thing.....

I feel like Im going to be sick. alex... all this shit with him, I wish Renee had never met him. its bad enough that hes an agressive alcoholic and used to be drugy (he did a lot of shit I dont know why Rene let him back into his life) but Ronnie (a four year old little girl) said that she thinks she knows what happened to puppy. apparently Alex got tiered of the sweet yet annoying little dog, and (I dont remember exactly what mom said that ronnie said) but something and he put a rubber band around his mouth, and did something about choking him, but mom was like I dont think it was choking really... and then described something that sounded like..... he squished the little dog. HOW THE HELL CAN ANYONE FUCKING DO THAT! I DONT UNDERSTAND. I DONT WANT TO UNDERSTAND I HOPE THAT SICK BASTARD DIES. I REALLY DO. makes me wonder what happened to Harley (renes other dog that 'went missing') I dont know. I need to calm down...
*sips hot coaco*  

Its all so fake. It always has been. 'ohhh Im sorry *hugs* I love you, I care'.....  "I care" 

blah blah fucking blah. :) and just so you know, this is not directed towards one person... but all of you! :) or well most... pretty much, if you think that there is a chance that your one of the people I really dont think cares about me, even though you say you do (words are cheap) ummm *got lost* but if you think you may be included, the most likely you are!

its soooo fucking halarious.... people saying they care... when in fact, they dont! not really, and they never really did... Im not just living a lie, Im living in a lie... this whole fucking world, this whole fucking 'reality' of mine has been build on lies. and lies are worth nothing, haha this life of mine, its worth nothing. this is all so loverly. realization, again, smacking me in the face... knocking me on my ass... life sucks... lol


while Im at it might as well ramble on about a few more things... not like I have anything better to do. Jenn was right, nothing changed, it never will... got my hopes up, and then had them squashed. what I want and what is are two completly different things, or at least thats how it seems these days... la la la la la, Im failing math... never have literally had a failing grade in my life. at the moment though, Im really not careing. Im not really caring about anything. I feel as if Im going backwards. dealing with things as I used to, Ive began to really shut people out again. after working so hard, for so long to be able to open up... all effort wasted...

I go unnoticed, sometimes its acctually kinda scary. like Im litterally invisible... if I were gone, no one would notice. okay thats not true, of course some people would notice. how could they not? they wouldnt have me bugging them and being the annoying, bitchy, whiny, selfish person I am... they'd be relieved haha... anywho- Im done rambling... Ive done plenty today already....