[A Wish For Wings That Work.]'s diary

519071  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-03-11
Written: (6317 days ago)

Well I'll be leaving in 3ish hours to go to Cumberland. Im not afraid of going. Though from what I've heard I might want to be. blah. I'm going to miss Alvin, Stacey, and Jenn so very much. As well as everyone else of course. And I'll miss you sarah and whitney and samantha and kayla and even michael. Not sure what to say... Im still not sure if I want help. I think... I want to want help though. If that makes sense. Once an addict always an addict. I think the urge to cut will linger with me forever. It will go away for a while, but Im sure it will come back. Its very addictive. Well just found out I may be fucked for abusing medications...... My stomach is on fire right now from last night. 15... 10 asprin and 5 something else... blah. I was hoping it would knock me out. but it didnt. just fucked me a bit. and only hurts worse than it did last night. I wanted to cut. I was going to. I couldnt find my blades. I just wanted one last pretty scar on my untouched (well nearly untouched anyways) virgin wrist :( 

How come everything I want is apparently so bad? :(  cutting, pills, all the food stuff blah blah... the wish to hurt people... all so bad apparently...

But anywho. Am leaving between 7 and 8. Will get there around 9. Have to do a 3 hour thingy. Insurance stuff for the parents, and Im sure I'll get to play 20 questions with some shrink who will later drug me up. Then I'll stay for 3 to 5 days. Then I will either come home, or stay longer. If I stay longer Im not sure how long I will stay... could be a few weeks. could be a few months... I dont know... I've not packed yet. I really need to. Im lazy though. Lazy and my stomach is on fucking fire. My insides are. From the top of my throat (back of my mouth if you will) to about my belly button... all hurts so bad. It also hurts to move my arm up. what with the 15 to 18ish cuts. cout was 33 in all. >< (thats how much I cut this week) cout in general... I acctually counted... or tried to cout... my scars. I stoped on my lower left arm at 50 (there were just too many) and I stoped on my lower right arm at 62 (way way to many...) there are still scars on my upper arms... about... 30ish on one, and 20ish on the other... then my legs... oh blah... a lot there... hmmmm.... doesnt matter too much I guess. Life goes on. And as painful as life is sometimes. I still want to live I think. Usually I still want to live anyways. Though have been getting quite suicidal here lately. Which scares me. a lot. Im not used to be that suicidal. well... I need to start packing... I love you all loads. I'll be back eventually, try not and forget about me.

517819  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-10
Written: (6319 days ago)

Just watched part of the phone booth. I watched part of the beg/middle and then I watched the end. Apparently some sniper gets some guy in a phone booth and all this shit happens. It was sad but so funny too. "Im part of a big cycle of lies, I could be the fucking president" lmao. it was a serious moment. the whole show was serious. but the dialoge was so funny. at the end he confesses all this stuff hes been lying about, confesses stuff to his love, and to the world, tells everyone that hes a liar and that hes not who he says he is. and then talks about how he was just so afraid that his love wouldnt like him if she saw the real him ect... then puts his life before hers, but he doesnt die. and she forgives him and they kiss and such. it made me quite sad.

517616  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-03-09
Written: (6319 days ago)

I've done nothing but laze around all day. lying in bed. trying to sleep. trying not to think. I took a shower. got online to check email and such. Im trying to stay positive. I hope I've been worrying for nothing. I dont know what Im suppost to do if your gone Alvin. I ate some pineapple and an apple and I had some water. I've not exersized yet, though Im about to. Clean my room, exersize, do homework, sit at the computer desk until bedtime praying you get on and I know that everything is okay.

If things arent okay though... I suppose I could live with out you in my life. But there would always be an unfillable void inside of me. An unfillable void with a pain venure. and even though the void is unfillable Im stupid and will no doubt do all these destructive things in order to cope and hope that the void is filled. it wont be though. and then I will die.

Life is so unessisary. I dont see why anything has to be. If only I could make everything disappear in an instant... the universe would have never existed. I think God is an emotionless being. For one, emotions are flawed, and an omni... I cant spell that word (means all powerful) being cant be flawed like that. Also, if God can do anything hes choosing to let us suffer, and nothing with emotions can let people hurt like this. And what about Hell. Nothing with compassion can send something to eturnal damnation. Unless it was evil of course. But I dont think God is evil. I just think hes emotionless. I need to go to church >_<

I've lost 15ish pounds. sense. well Im not sure but 15 pounds are definately missing from me, or so says the scale.


515153  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-03-07
Written: (6322 days ago)

This has literally been the worse day of my life. I just hope it doesnt get any worse.

Im such a sausage link. >< stupid meaty body

I thought about getting drunk. was going to. but damnit whiskey takes awful as fuck. It hurt my stomach so I threw it up and had some apple juice. the apple juice hurt my stomach too. so I threw that up. I took some asprin. 10... at once. I acctually swallowed them all at once too. Im falling into unreality. I dont know if thats a good or bad thing. I wont be so upset if I leave reality for a little while, but I wont be dealing with anything if I do that. blah... I've had 5 more than your suppost to in 24 hours. stupid loverly asprin that thins blood. I want to bleed. There are many reasons why.

I just dumped my water into the floor. its so adaptable. I wish more people were like that. My head is starting to hurt. and Im feeling really sleepy all of a sudden. Stupid blured vision.

But I'll be fine I think. I hope. I wish, I wish I never was. Dying young would have been so much easier than this. why do we have to live at all. I think Im going to go and believe that nothing is real now. see how that works. People can think Im wasted tomorrow I really dont care. Im tiered of believing. I dont think Im making sense. sorry.

514196  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-03-05
Written: (6323 days ago)

Theres a really hot guy in my room.

513406  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-03-05
Written: (6324 days ago)

1. What time did you get up this morning? between 4 and 6 usually (but I dont usually stay up on weekends, I take a nap around mid-morning)

2. Diamonds or pearls? pearls

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I havent the slightest idea.

4. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing

5. What is your middle name? Rae

6. What is your favorite cuisine? Dunno

7. What foods do you dislike? Beans and a lot of the schools chicken patty stuff...

8. What are your favorite Potato chips? Plain

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Clear Hearts Grey Flowers

10. What kind of car do your drive? -
11. Favorite sandwich? Ham sub I guess.

12. What characteristics do you despise? People who are full of themselves and think they are better than everyone else and think that they can sing when they cant but they just keep singing louder and louder so you have to put you finger in your left ear and they still just continue to sing louder and you just want to slap them! ..........

13. Favorite item of clothing? Skirts

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Australia

15. What color is your bathroom? White and Wood?

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Dont have one.

17. Where would you like to retire? anywhere but nowhere works.

18. Favorite time of day? sunrise and sunset oh and night time!

19. Where were you born? Tennessee

20. Favorite sport to watch? I dont have one

21. Person you least expect to send this back to you? Im putting this in my et diary.

22. Person you expect to send it back first? Im putting this in my et diary...

23. What fabric detergent do you use? I dont know.

24. Coke or Pepsi? I guess pepsi.

25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Both!

26. What is your shoe size? 8 and a half, 9 if I want some toe room.

27. Do you have pets? Of course

28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? there is nothing exciting going on in my life.

29. What did you want to be when you were little? A vet I think.

512689  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-03-04
Written: (6325 days ago)

I hate men. I really do. Sometimes I think it would just be best if I went strait lesbian.

512681  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-03-04
Written: (6325 days ago)
Next in thread: 588956

why cant men catch mad cow disease?

because they are all pigs!

511881  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-03
Written: (6326 days ago)

You're dreaming about feeling deeply connected to the universe and to those around you. This means that you're likely tapping into a sense of uplifting freedom and awe of the greater things in life.

Dreams are the stories your unconscious narrates each night as you sleep. To find out which of your dreams revealed your Divine Inspiration dream theme, get your Dream Interpretation Report now!
--------------------------------------------------------

I think its off a bit though I can see why I'd say that. my dreams often have nature in them. but my reoccuring dream is something is after me and Im like having to run for my life. thats bout 75% of my dreams anyways. sometimes its acctually fun. sometimes its really scary. and I cant wake up so its even scarier. but anywho.

501664  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-02-21
Written: (6336 days ago)

I took a quiz thingy on that tickle web site.


your most positive energy is flowing from your Sixth Chakra

This chakra is located in the center of your forehead and is often called the third eye. The sixth chakra represents your ability to see and really know truth. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your sixth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to be accepting of the people and events in your life rather than pass judgment on them. You're also likely to have developed a higher level of intuition than most people have. People with positive sixth chakra energy typically take criticism well because they're often more objective than most other people are.


496374  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-02-15
Written: (6341 days ago)

Just so everyone knows I dont think I will be on tonight. sorry Jenn. I pissed my mom off / I dont want to be on really. but thats another story. ohhh and Jade get msn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want those songs lol :P

474804  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-01-18
Written: (6370 days ago)


I want scissors.

the dogs are barking.

I feel lonely again.

Im tiered.

My eyes are blood shot.

I've not hurt myself in such a long time.

I just want to feel again.

I want to feel... I want to feel you...

I wish you were here.

I wish you were okay.

I wish there was somthing I could do.

wishing has yet to get me anywhere.

so why do I continue to wish?

does it matter?

why am I asking such meaningless questions?

o.0 that in itself was a question wasnt it?

I did it again...

Im bored.

Im dead.

Im alive.

I wish I was, I wish I wasnt. I wish I wish I wish, I sound like a broken record.

Im getting on my neves.

Im selfish

saying Im selfish, in its self is a selfish statment isnt it?

damn, there I go with the questions again.

someone shoot me, I think Im stuck in a loop!

bang!

*falls dead*


443623  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-12-13
Written: (6405 days ago)
Next in thread: 443781, 443782

Katy says:
every body's asked me if youre completely phsyco

what a day... apparently people think Im crazy... Im REALLY not all that insane... REALLY!!!!!! anywho, w/e Ive had a fairly good day... Ive been more or less cutting myself off from people. the clam has returned! Im tiered of most people... and at the moment Im only doing whats best for me. I know that seems selfish, but why continue to talk to 'friends' who only hurt me...
*cough* Michael *cough* blah... not like he really gives a shit anyways... In my twisted little mind I started to think that maybe he had this master plan devised to get me to disslike him so we would no longer be friends... lol sounds like something I would do... sounds like something I have done... at any rate, I got his Christmas gift today! yesh, I disslike him at the moment, and even looking at him fills me with anger... but as a person. hes not bad... in fact is quite the amazing thing. *nods* good hearted deep down... or maybe not lol... eh, I think its just a me thing. he just doesnt like ME specifically... but who could blame him.. If I were someone else, I'd kill me...or at least just REALLY hate me and think about ways I could kill me... soo basically if I were someone else, I'd feel the same as if I were myself... lol 

Whitney hasnt been at school for days now... Im starting to get worried... ehhh... well not TOO worried, this is horrible too... but Im acctually slightly mad at her, damn... I know Im mad at A LOT of people at the moment... but there is only so much a girl can take... good thing is Im not letting it get me down so much, and so far I havent cut because of built up anger... but we'll just see how that goes.

Funny little tid bit, I sometimes 'blush' seemingly out of the blue because when I get overloaded, it just happens lol.. when Im overloaded and angry.. and my face gets all hot, I HATE IT!

Kayla randomly told the the peoples that I call my self 'kittie' haha alex called me that today, and I answered him! wooo Im unsmart lol, its all good... I dont know what Im writing about anymore... oh we are reading poetry in English... Its awesome! I acctually get it! ooo we read this one poem today, it was pretty nifty... I liked the meaning behind it more than the poem its self... but the author did a REALLY good job of expressing his concept by using symbolism in nature and such... this one part "I wake to sleep" I want to think the author is talking about how we live to die... I could be wrong though... anywho the poem was called oh shit.. lol what was it called... waking... something like that lol :P  Im feeling all symbolic today, ever feel like that? well Ive rambled enough... I'll leave on this note... symbolism KICKS ASS *bows* (am not sure why Im bowing lol)


"your so fucking special... I wish I was special"

441639  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-12-12
Written: (6407 days ago)

its weird, even when I use different soap or w/e... I still smell the same... everyone has their own personal smell, its nifty. lol I keep sniffing myself, yea I know Im such a freak... anywho mom went shoping bought new furniture for the living room and a new tabel and chairs for the kitchen... will be delivered next week. ohhh and they got a cd/cassette/radio/ record player! omg its great! they went and got all their old records... ohhh and mom got out my childhood strawberry shortcake and raggady ann records both kick ass by the way! I did the hokey pokey! (im such a dork I know, even my little brother wouldnt do it with me :P) ooo we have cheesecake! it tastes weird though... probably cuz its not homemade... I do believe the only cheese cake I've ever had has been homemade..

I made a 90 on my math test that we took yesterday... not too bad I dont guess... blah I didnt read the directions, cost me 6 points... *is a dumbass* I REALLY need to bring my grades up... :( I dont want 3 Cs blahness... Im such a loser anywho

woo! Disco Duck!!! lmao... moms record from when she was 10ish :P  lmao I was dancing... sorta... suprsingly, me and my parents arent fighting... we were in the same room for at least 20 mins! and not even a bicker... 

440733  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-12-10
Written: (6408 days ago)

The things that used to REALLY bother me. they dont anymore. I didnt want them to bother me anymore, so now they dont. postive thoughts and will is all. Ive been opening my little mind to the world, and am not as selfish as I was not so long ago. though I dont think there is a real apparent change, people dont realize, just how much and how fast I tend to change at times. Its like a new chelsea is born every few months. or well not new, but different... change isnt always a bad thing after all, and differences should be celebrated *random* samantha said that Im changing her for the better, makes me feel good, to know that I've made a real difference in someones life. I wish people would stop telling me to 'smile' and asking me 'whats wrong' because I really am fine right now. funny, when I am doing well it seems that people think Im upset. and when I really am upset, people percieve me to be fine. that could be becuase when Im really happy, not fake happy, Im calm. and I tend to almost lose my sense of humor. its not that I dont smile, just my reasons for smiling change. I wish people could see strait into my mind, expecially lately, the mental images are amazing. for some reason there is still ink, but its not the same as it once was. I wish I knew why there are so many images in my mind that have ink in them. I think it symbolizes loneliness and isolation. would make sense, expecially when I compare the images of a few months ago, with the ones from now... :) I keep getting random sparks of complete and total inner peace, I love it. wish I felt like this more often, I feel as though I could do anything.

439710  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-12-09
Written: (6409 days ago)

IM BACK!!! and lately life has been fairly good... ooo Michael got me a really awesome poster of amy lee for christmas. I LOVE IT!!!

mom and me are arguing more than usual. it bothers me. and I had a dream, where I killed someone... it was funny, because I hurt them, in the way that me and my friends always talking about hurting people... well thats it I think...

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