[A Wish For Wings That Work.]'s diary

434094  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-12-04
Written: (7054 days ago)

I was talking to my friend Whitney last night and somehow I ended up confesing that Im not exactly ummm strait. I dont think Ive really came out to anyone around here before. I mean, some people know, I think... but Ive never acctually told them strait forward that I was bi. or maybe I have and just dont remember lmao. still I think only 3 people around here know, and thats how I intend on keeping it! alright!!! you got that michael! shhhhh!!!!!! if my parents ever found out... If my family found out... blah... anywho... keep this hush hush alright? 

whitney said something sorta asked if I had a lesbian crush on her... but I really dont. I've never thought about her like that. somehow I dont think people are going to believe that lol eh doesnt matter... know whats funny, I've known for years. Im suprised no one has ever found out before this year. well people were saying last year that I was gay... haha I think the 'rumor' started becuase I hung out with lesbians and then someone saw me check some girl out... lmao... damn Im admiting too much. anywho... thats enough confessing for one day I do believe.

432518  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-12-02
Written: (7055 days ago)

today was good/horrible... I dunno, have you ever just felt horribly ugly? so ugly you dont even want people to look at you? yea... anyways it was one of those days.

429220  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-11-29
Written: (7058 days ago)

I decided, I sleep WAY too much. and I liked things better when I slept little, rather than sleeping an ungodly amount. I was thinking and on average, I sleep about 3 to 4 times as much as I used to. litterally... and its horrible! yeah I do sometimes get depressed while Im pondering half awake half asleep. but better to get depressed at home than anywhere else I do supose. at the moment Im running on 3 and a halfish hours of sleep. I'm tiered and I've only been up 12 hours. pathetic... I think I can twist things. get my body running on 3 hours easily again. I hope so anyways........... I feel like Im going to be sick, I dont know if I need food or not. I ate lunch... I dont really feel like eating. but I will Ima eat homemade rolls and green beans or something for supper, its really good...

why Im being bored as hell. might as well ramble on about how I get to spend this week packing my stuff up and getting ready to move to this (by this I mean the end of the house with the bedroom and then the computer/laundry room) end of the house... Im getting my parents bed room, brandon gets mine, mom and dad and madison get brandons. at the moment I have the middle size room. now I'll have the smallest room. but its okay, because I'll be at the end of the house with the other phone line. so I can have my own phone line. so thats cool. and I dont need a lot of space anyways, Im finally getting mother to get ride of most my furniture. cuz I disslike it lol, So Im going to have my bed and my thing with my tv and such. and then like a table lol. and anywho, if we are really great and hurry this up. then hopefully hopefully Im going to have some peoples (my friends) come out and we are going to paint my walls and such! cuz i hate that wood pannel shit thats up there now. it bothers me. I cant have a room with that lol... and we need to do something about the carpet... cuz it will drive me insane... its ugly.

Im spoiled. Renne came down this afternoon, she bought me these really pretty clear shoes to wear with my dress... and then was like, well what jewlery are you going to wear? and im like I dunno I dont really have any lol (i dont ever wear jewlery so yea) and shes like well then we'll have to get you a necklas and a bracelet and such... lol, I dunno how people can afford me. eh, then again Im usually not wanting stuff, unless its like money for a school trip or the occasional shoping or w/e. Im not having much luck finding a job. damn I could get a job easier if i were 16. not 15... anywho, going to call around later tonight see how all is hiring... if anybody is lol. if worse comes to worse I will work in Dawson. I'd rather work in dawson, but Its less convenient or w/e.. but anywho, I have homework, which I need to do. which Im acctually going to do, suprise suprise! Im even doing that damn math bonus thing.....

424696  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-11-25
Written: (7063 days ago)

I feel like Im going to be sick. alex... all this shit with him, I wish Renee had never met him. its bad enough that hes an agressive alcoholic and used to be drugy (he did a lot of shit I dont know why Rene let him back into his life) but Ronnie (a four year old little girl) said that she thinks she knows what happened to puppy. apparently Alex got tiered of the sweet yet annoying little dog, and (I dont remember exactly what mom said that ronnie said) but something and he put a rubber band around his mouth, and did something about choking him, but mom was like I dont think it was choking really... and then described something that sounded like..... he squished the little dog. HOW THE HELL CAN ANYONE FUCKING DO THAT! I DONT UNDERSTAND. I DONT WANT TO UNDERSTAND I HOPE THAT SICK BASTARD DIES. I REALLY DO. makes me wonder what happened to Harley (renes other dog that 'went missing') I dont know. I need to calm down...
*sips hot coaco*  

406978  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-11-09
Written: (7079 days ago)
Next in thread: 408193

Its all so fake. It always has been. 'ohhh Im sorry *hugs* I love you, I care'.....  "I care" 

blah blah fucking blah. :) and just so you know, this is not directed towards one person... but all of you! :) or well most... pretty much, if you think that there is a chance that your one of the people I really dont think cares about me, even though you say you do (words are cheap) ummm *got lost* but if you think you may be included, the most likely you are!

its soooo fucking halarious.... people saying they care... when in fact, they dont! not really, and they never really did... Im not just living a lie, Im living in a lie... this whole fucking world, this whole fucking 'reality' of mine has been build on lies. and lies are worth nothing, haha this life of mine, its worth nothing. this is all so loverly. realization, again, smacking me in the face... knocking me on my ass... life sucks... lol


while Im at it might as well ramble on about a few more things... not like I have anything better to do. Jenn was right, nothing changed, it never will... got my hopes up, and then had them squashed. what I want and what is are two completly different things, or at least thats how it seems these days... la la la la la, Im failing math... never have literally had a failing grade in my life. at the moment though, Im really not careing. Im not really caring about anything. I feel as if Im going backwards. dealing with things as I used to, Ive began to really shut people out again. after working so hard, for so long to be able to open up... all effort wasted...

I go unnoticed, sometimes its acctually kinda scary. like Im litterally invisible... if I were gone, no one would notice. okay thats not true, of course some people would notice. how could they not? they wouldnt have me bugging them and being the annoying, bitchy, whiny, selfish person I am... they'd be relieved haha... anywho- Im done rambling... Ive done plenty today already.... 

391966  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-26
Written: (7092 days ago)

strangeness... I was SO very sure that I was over cutting. then I saw box cutters. and memories flashed. mom was talking to me, but I couldnt hear her, just see the box cutters as she waved them around while she talked. anywho, I searched for the box cutters last night, but couldnt find them... and all was good, until while organizing my room. I found MY scissors. my lovelies. I though i had lost them. they arent the greatest, nor horribly sharp. but they are faithful... were always there when I needed them. and they are small, I can carry them around with me easily. horray for test cuts! I couldnt help myself. the temptation was too strong. I had to work to cut. I had to work to see my own blood. but I cut my legs, and its great... I missed cutting my legs. this is all so beautiful.. and what a pick me up! anywho.. got stuff to do... soo I guess that's it for now

391328  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-26
Written: (7093 days ago)
Next in thread: 392055

this is weird, haven't really wrote in my elftown diary, I have a livejounral, and I real time diary. but this is seeming conveniant at the moment. sooo... am missing Alvin, though Im glad that hes not... here I guess, because I am being a heartless bitch. who would of thunk it? me a heartless bitch? anyways, I hurt people. and I found amusment in it. either simple pleasure, or I just thought the situation was odd and/or funny.

 you know, I appretiate all my friends. expecially Jenn, one of the very very few people who love me unconditionally. you know I was thinking, its odd... most people who are my friends say they love me, but some dont. makes me question how much they 'truely care'. I remember once, I told someone (a friend) I loved them (as a friend). and they didnt say it back. that was a while ago. of course most people say the words 'I care' but 'I care' simply isnt 'I love'. and its love I want... but how can I expect people to love me, when I cant love myself. and when I cant care for them. this is all so very stupid. Im stupid. I love but not care really. If 'they' were to die, then I would be hurt. but them hurting, doesnt hurt me as much as me hurting hurts them. and them hurting doesnt hurt me as much as I sometimes pretend it does. and just because I dont 'care' doesnt mean Im not here to help, and doesnt mean that I dont want things to work out for them. its just that if things dont completly work out for them. if they are horribly depressed. its just that, it doesnt effect me. like it should, like it maybe once did. of course maybe it never had an effect on me. maybe its all been a lie from the very start. maybe Im such a pathetic, lying, hypocrite. that that's most of what I am now, or most of what I have always been.

I should keep my mask on, and live my lie, I should let things be, and continue to hide... never show my true feelings, never show my bad side. plastic smiles and fake feelings of concern. I should of let them keep thinking, that was the real me... I should of left things alone... but of course I didnt, becuse weakness always gets the better of me. I dont know when Im lying and when Im telling the truth anymore, I thought I was a spider, but now I see Im just a fly, caught in the web spun by my own hands, caught in my own tangled mess of lies.

shit... its 1:43 now, and I cant keep my head up. I took some pills for a headache, shit took like 9 of them... something Im not as used to taking either. of course Im not high, not really. but the world is an uneven place at the moment, that doesnt make sence. just the world around me moves in slightly odder ways than usual. nothing much. enough to keep me walking into sides of doorways though. sad, the thought of drugs... has been a thought lingering in my mind lately. I need to make some phone calls. blah, I need to track my 'long lost' friend down. she'd get me what I want. for free even. yes I know, drugs make one very stupid. and it kills brain cells galore! but regardless, my brain is withering away. I swear, Im getting stupider and stupider. soooo I dont really know what Im getting at. I forgot. It's early and I need to go lie down. so I think I shall work on that...

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