wow I've not updated this thing in a long while... but hey Im here and its conveinent to me at the moment to write in here. plus Im very very bored. I just got off the phone with my Tiffany. Who sounds freakishly like my Whitney. Even talks somewhat like my Whitney so I dunno. We talkd about Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder. Im glad Im not so OCD anymore. But then again, Im not. Its irritating, stressful, depressing,... but you get things done. surely, slowly, correctly. now Im just lazy. Im very proud of myself though. I purged my room of all I deemed unworthy. Im no longer such a pack rat... okay Im still a pack rat at heart. but I can throw things away now and not freak out and obsess over things. I can let go of things. and its OK. I still have some more stuff I need to throw away though. Sadly. It'll be a while before I purge my room of everything unneeded.
We also talked about some out of touch with reality stuff. She completly understood what I ment which is good. How its scary but at the same time your the one driving yourself to that point. You want it but you dont. You love it and you hate it. I dunno. I think Im crazy. We also talked about how when your like that well I do sometimes do stupid things because... well it really makes sense. If nothing is real, there are no consequenses to my non-actions! so I can do all the non-stuff I want and it doesnt matter because nothing is. see? nothing matters because nothing is. but of course things are and things matter... so I get fucked in the end.
They acctually have medicine for people who talk to themselves... in the non-normal talking to themself way. Im screwed in so many ways its not even funny... *sigh* some things I shall just not talk to my shrink about.
Tiffany read me 2 poems. They were great. She read them with such a passion. They werent just words on a paper. They were... it was amazing. Shes excited about my thing, that is now on thursday. and so am I. She said my moon is in areis (sp?) so Im a good hostest plus Im a gemini so Im a social butterfly. so yeah. lol.
song of the moment
Pretty Like Drugs by Queen Adreena
the world is watching
as i take my last breath
the world is watching
as i get undressed
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
the world is watching
as my wings unfurl
the world is watching
the death of a girl
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
i load the gun
pretty like drugs
pretty like drugs
pretty like drugs
the world is watching
with a pregnant pause
the world is watching
as i fuck to applause
the world is watching
as i plant the last seed
the world is watching
me watching t.v.
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
i load the gun
i wax and i wane
subject all my pain onto you, baby
i'm pretty like drugs
i'm pretty like drugs
cos i'm pretty like drugs
pretty like drugs
pretty like drugs
well its been a week sense I've hurt myself. fun fun I guess. my leg still hurts a lot. especially when Im walking or trying to sleep. I think it might scar... god I hope not. its long and thick. I dont think it will though, I mean, I just did it with my fingernail! its just a... urm few? layers of scratched off skin that has scabed. and hurts like a bitch. It needs to fucking heal. usually I heal fast. stupid thing needs to hurry up. all well. not much I can do. I've made my mistakes and now I have to live with them.
I think Im being avoided by someone. blah. Im stressed out often. I need another shoulder massage. Michael your a miracle worker by the way :P but back to the whole I think Im being avoided thing. oh grrr. know what never mind! I give up. I have to get dressed anyways. and finish my homework. toodles!
In case you all have not noticed. Im back from cumberland. It was fun while it lasted but Im glad to be home. all that no-internet was killing me :P
Things have been going pretty good sense I've been back. and the count is... 4 days. 4 days I've not hurt myself. I dont feel so addicted to self-injury anymore. Though I still do it on impulse when IM really upset. obviously. because last time I hurt myself it was like that. but anyways. that aspect of my life is improving. now I just have to improve the rest of my life aha wish me luck... I need it. I wrote down all the thigns I need to work on... it was a long list needless to say.
Im getting tiered. stupid pill. stupid meds. stupid... Im being negative. I need to stop that. the sleep will be nice and I will feel refreshed in the morning.
hmmm. so much is running through my mind. but I dont feel like writeing all those thoughts down. so. Im not going to. and now Im just trying to make the time pass. I have to clean my room before I go to bed. and I really should take another shower before school tomorrow. but I dont think I'll take one in the morning, I think I'll just wash off. no big. I just got out of the shower a bit ago anyways.
oh I watched that Tombstone movie. sorta. It didnt really keep my interest. I kept wondering away. I did pay special attention to that Doc guy though. and I would just like to say I see the similarities. but I see a major difference too. Doc was very loyal to his friend, and selfless. I hate how the similarities between you and him are so negative. but anywho. sorry for saying you arent loyal and selfless. hmmm I dont really know if your loyal or not. but I will say your urm the opposite of selfless. sorry. Im being blunt.
Well I'll be leaving in 3ish hours to go to Cumberland. Im not afraid of going. Though from what I've heard I might want to be. blah. I'm going to miss Alvin, Stacey, and Jenn so very much. As well as everyone else of course. And I'll miss you sarah and whitney and samantha and kayla and even michael. Not sure what to say... Im still not sure if I want help. I think... I want to want help though. If that makes sense. Once an addict always an addict. I think the urge to cut will linger with me forever. It will go away for a while, but Im sure it will come back. Its very addictive. Well just found out I may be fucked for abusing medications...
How come everything I want is apparently so bad? :( cutting, pills, all the food stuff blah blah... the wish to hurt people... all so bad apparently...
But anywho. Am leaving between 7 and 8. Will get there around 9. Have to do a 3 hour thingy. Insurance stuff for the parents, and Im sure I'll get to play 20 questions with some shrink who will later drug me up. Then I'll stay for 3 to 5 days. Then I will either come home, or stay longer. If I stay longer Im not sure how long I will stay... could be a few weeks. could be a few months... I dont know... I've not packed yet. I really need to. Im lazy though. Lazy and my stomach is on fucking fire. My insides are. From the top of my throat (back of my mouth if you will) to about my belly button... all hurts so bad. It also hurts to move my arm up. what with the 15 to 18ish cuts. cout was 33 in all. >< (thats how much I cut this week) cout in general... I acctually counted... or tried to cout... my scars. I stoped on my lower left arm at 50 (there were just too many) and I stoped on my lower right arm at 62 (way way to many...) there are still scars on my upper arms... about... 30ish on one, and 20ish on the other... then my legs... oh blah... a lot there... hmmmm.... doesnt matter too much I guess. Life goes on. And as painful as life is sometimes. I still want to live I think. Usually I still want to live anyways. Though have been getting quite suicidal here lately. Which scares me. a lot. Im not used to be that suicidal. well... I need to start packing... I love you all loads. I'll be back eventually, try not and forget about me.
Just watched part of the phone booth. I watched part of the beg/middle and then I watched the end. Apparently some sniper gets some guy in a phone booth and all this shit happens. It was sad but so funny too. "Im part of a big cycle of lies, I could be the fucking president" lmao. it was a serious moment. the whole show was serious. but the dialoge was so funny. at the end he confesses all this stuff hes been lying about, confesses stuff to his love, and to the world, tells everyone that hes a liar and that hes not who he says he is. and then talks about how he was just so afraid that his love wouldnt like him if she saw the real him ect... then puts his life before hers, but he doesnt die. and she forgives him and they kiss and such. it made me quite sad.
I've done nothing but laze around all day. lying in bed. trying to sleep. trying not to think. I took a shower. got online to check email and such. Im trying to stay positive. I hope I've been worrying for nothing. I dont know what Im suppost to do if your gone Alvin. I ate some pineapple and an apple and I had some water. I've not exersized yet, though Im about to. Clean my room, exersize, do homework, sit at the computer desk until bedtime praying you get on and I know that everything is okay.
If things arent okay though... I suppose I could live with out you in my life. But there would always be an unfillable void inside of me. An unfillable void with a pain venure. and even though the void is unfillable Im stupid and will no doubt do all these destructive things in order to cope and hope that the void is filled. it wont be though. and then I will die.
Life is so unessisary. I dont see why anything has to be. If only I could make everything disappear in an instant... the universe would have never existed. I think God is an emotionless being. For one, emotions are flawed, and an omni... I cant spell that word (means all powerful) being cant be flawed like that. Also, if God can do anything hes choosing to let us suffer, and nothing with emotions can let people hurt like this. And what about Hell. Nothing with compassion can send something to eturnal damnation. Unless it was evil of course. But I dont think God is evil. I just think hes emotionless. I need to go to church >_<
I've lost 15ish pounds. sense. well Im not sure but 15 pounds are definately missing from me, or so says the scale.
This has literally been the worse day of my life. I just hope it doesnt get any worse.
Im such a sausage link. >< stupid meaty body
I thought about getting drunk. was going to. but damnit whiskey takes awful as fuck. It hurt my stomach so I threw it up and had some apple juice. the apple juice hurt my stomach too. so I threw that up. I took some asprin. 10... at once. I acctually swallowed them all at once too. Im falling into unreality. I dont know if thats a good or bad thing. I wont be so upset if I leave reality for a little while, but I wont be dealing with anything if I do that. blah... I've had 5 more than your suppost to in 24 hours. stupid loverly asprin that thins blood. I want to bleed. There are many reasons why.
I just dumped my water into the floor. its so adaptable. I wish more people were like that. My head is starting to hurt. and Im feeling really sleepy all of a sudden. Stupid blured vision.
But I'll be fine I think. I hope. I wish, I wish I never was. Dying young would have been so much easier than this. why do we have to live at all. I think Im going to go and believe that nothing is real now. see how that works. People can think Im wasted tomorrow I really dont care. Im tiered of believing. I dont think Im making sense. sorry.
Theres a really hot guy in my room.
1. What time did you get up this morning? between 4 and 6 usually (but I dont usually stay up on weekends, I take a nap around mid-morning)
2. Diamonds or pearls? pearls
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I havent the slightest idea.
4. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing
5. What is your middle name? Rae
6. What is your favorite cuisine? Dunno
7. What foods do you dislike? Beans and a lot of the schools chicken patty stuff...
8. What are your favorite Potato chips? Plain
9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Clear Hearts Grey Flowers
10. What kind of car do your drive? -
11. Favorite sandwich? Ham sub I guess.
12. What characteristic
13. Favorite item of clothing? Skirts
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Australia
15. What color is your bathroom? White and Wood?
16. Favorite brand of clothing? Dont have one.
17. Where would you like to retire? anywhere but nowhere works.
18. Favorite time of day? sunrise and sunset oh and night time!
19. Where were you born? Tennessee
20. Favorite sport to watch? I dont have one
21. Person you least expect to send this back to you? Im putting this in my et diary.
22. Person you expect to send it back first? Im putting this in my et diary...
23. What fabric detergent do you use? I dont know.
24. Coke or Pepsi? I guess pepsi.
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Both!
26. What is your shoe size? 8 and a half, 9 if I want some toe room.
27. Do you have pets? Of course
28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? there is nothing exciting going on in my life.
29. What did you want to be when you were little? A vet I think.
I hate men. I really do. Sometimes I think it would just be best if I went strait lesbian.
why cant men catch mad cow disease?
because they are all pigs!
You're dreaming about feeling deeply connected to the universe and to those around you. This means that you're likely tapping into a sense of uplifting freedom and awe of the greater things in life.
Dreams are the stories your unconscious narrates each night as you sleep. To find out which of your dreams revealed your Divine Inspiration dream theme, get your Dream Interpretation Report now!
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I think its off a bit though I can see why I'd say that. my dreams often have nature in them. but my reoccuring dream is something is after me and Im like having to run for my life. thats bout 75% of my dreams anyways. sometimes its acctually fun. sometimes its really scary. and I cant wake up so its even scarier. but anywho.
I took a quiz thingy on that tickle web site.
your most positive energy is flowing from your Sixth Chakra
This chakra is located in the center of your forehead and is often called the third eye. The sixth chakra represents your ability to see and really know truth. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your sixth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to be accepting of the people and events in your life rather than pass judgment on them. You're also likely to have developed a higher level of intuition than most people have. People with positive sixth chakra energy typically take criticism well because they're often more objective than most other people are.
Just so everyone knows I dont think I will be on tonight. sorry Jenn. I pissed my mom off / I dont want to be on really. but thats another story. ohhh and Jade get msn!!!!!!!!!!!
I want scissors.
the dogs are barking.
I feel lonely again.
Im tiered.
My eyes are blood shot.
I've not hurt myself in such a long time.
I just want to feel again.
I want to feel... I want to feel you...
I wish you were here.
I wish you were okay.
I wish there was somthing I could do.
wishing has yet to get me anywhere.
so why do I continue to wish?
does it matter?
why am I asking such meaningless questions?
o.0 that in itself was a question wasnt it?
I did it again...
Im bored.
Im dead.
Im alive.
I wish I was, I wish I wasnt. I wish I wish I wish, I sound like a broken record.
Im getting on my neves.
Im selfish
saying Im selfish, in its self is a selfish statment isnt it?
damn, there I go with the questions again.
someone shoot me, I think Im stuck in a loop!
bang!
*falls dead*
Katy says:
every body's asked me if youre completely phsyco
what a day... apparently people think Im crazy... Im REALLY not all that insane... REALLY!!!!!! anywho, w/e Ive had a fairly good day... Ive been more or less cutting myself off from people. the clam has returned! Im tiered of most people... and at the moment Im only doing whats best for me. I know that seems selfish, but why continue to talk to 'friends' who only hurt me...
*cough* Michael *cough* blah... not like he really gives a shit anyways... In my twisted little mind I started to think that maybe he had this master plan devised to get me to disslike him so we would no longer be friends... lol sounds like something I would do... sounds like something I have done... at any rate, I got his Christmas gift today! yesh, I disslike him at the moment, and even looking at him fills me with anger... but as a person. hes not bad... in fact is quite the amazing thing. *nods* good hearted deep down... or maybe not lol... eh, I think its just a me thing. he just doesnt like ME specifically..
Whitney hasnt been at school for days now... Im starting to get worried... ehhh... well not TOO worried, this is horrible too... but Im acctually slightly mad at her, damn... I know Im mad at A LOT of people at the moment... but there is only so much a girl can take... good thing is Im not letting it get me down so much, and so far I havent cut because of built up anger... but we'll just see how that goes.
Funny little tid bit, I sometimes 'blush' seemingly out of the blue because when I get overloaded, it just happens lol.. when Im overloaded and angry.. and my face gets all hot, I HATE IT!
Kayla randomly told the the peoples that I call my self 'kittie' haha alex called me that today, and I answered him! wooo Im unsmart lol, its all good... I dont know what Im writing about anymore... oh we are reading poetry in English... Its awesome! I acctually get it! ooo we read this one poem today, it was pretty nifty... I liked the meaning behind it more than the poem its self... but the author did a REALLY good job of expressing his concept by using symbolism in nature and such... this one part "I wake to sleep" I want to think the author is talking about how we live to die... I could be wrong though... anywho the poem was called oh shit.. lol what was it called... waking... something like that lol :P Im feeling all symbolic today, ever feel like that? well Ive rambled enough... I'll leave on this note... symbolism KICKS ASS *bows* (am not sure why Im bowing lol)
"your so fucking special... I wish I was special"