"this body holding me reminds me of my own mortality" as i hear our hearts not quite beating as one but doing their best his skin against mine the comforting heat of bare flesh and i realize that one day this will be gone "embrace this moment" as i push sad thoughts from my mind turn and look into those eyes those eyes that whisper i love you when he thinks i'm not looking "remember we are eternal all this pain is an illusion" as i kiss him i wonder if we could stay this way forever then i realize that we already have all our lives before this best friends lovers anam cara and i don't worry about the future because it's all the same keeps repeating keeps cycling and that's fine with me i don't care what form he takes next time around just give me those arms those eyes those lips so soft as long as they're his they'll make me happy as long as they're his they'll make me whole

Okay, the getting sick every time I eat hasn't gone away. It's been...two weeks? I've lost 4 pounds in two weeks. Gah. Not fun! I guess I'm gonna hafta live on Carnation Instant Breakfast or something. Ick. I hate it.

I went to International Night at my (former) high school. Yesu was there...it was funny, they made him wear khakis and a white shirt because he was in the "mariachi band," and he hates wearing white. Anyway. After lots of laughing at the German classes' plays, and the French classes' song-and-act of "Alouette," and the Spanish classes' attempts at a couple Spanish dances, everyone migrated to the cafeteria. Where Yesu and Stevie and Dante and Cherry and the Codies played "Tequila." (It was kinda sad, but amusing.) Then they all had to go to the band room to put their instruments away and I was kinda hanging out in the cafeteria...until I was picked up and carried to the band hall. Because there was a really nice view of a really pretty sunset from there and Yesu thought I should see it. SO! Then everyone was just kinda hanging out until about...9:00. At which point I had taken about as much as I could take of Stevie, so I started out to the parking lot. Accompanied by Yesu. Because we had some things to talk about. So we go. And sit. And talk. And...hmm...well. I probably shouldn't tell you all that. But he's not as passive as he makes himself out to be. Suffice to say that after much verbal fencing (among other things) he realized that I wasn't going to reject him and he asked me out. ^_^ *dances*

Yesterday I took the first part of the GED test. Then I went home and changed out of the stuffy clothes I had to wear (full-length skirts or slacks ONLY, no jeans or khakis, no t-shirts, no sleeveless shirts, no midriff or cleavage shirts...big pain in the butt), got the antibiotics I have to take before I can get my tattoo. Then I went up to the high school because Kat needed me to sign a permission form so they can publish a poem of mine in the VHS ezine. And we talked for, like, 2 hours. (Note: Kat = Kathy Bledsoe, my Brit Lit teacher that is just a year older than my sister.) It's kinda scary how much we have in common. She said that the sponsor of the literary magazine needs poetry or they won't HAVE a lit mag this year, so they want me to submit some of my work...even though I'm not a student there anymore. Interesting. And apparently all the Honors and AP English classes are taking a field trip to the Renaissance Festival in May. Kat goes, "Hey, you're 18, right? We're going to the Renaissance Festival on May 7th and I still have a chaperone spot open, do you want to go?" HOW COOL IS THAT?! So I get to be a chaperone and go to the Ren Fest with my friends (because all the people that I miss from school are in AP or Honors English classes). I'm so happy. I love the Ren Fest, I go at least twice every year. And this year I'll actually have money to spend. Woot! And I'll probably go again on Memorial Day (if I can get off work) with Lisa...and Alex and Beth and Candace and insert-stupid-freshman-here. (Note: Alex = my ex and the father of my son, Beth = his sister, Candace = his new girlfriend, and Lisa = his mom.) But I'm going because I want to go and Lisa invited me, and I'm not going to let Alex and Candace being disgustingly cute ruin it for me. I've always been close to Lisa, it drove Alex crazy...I enjoyed hanging out with her (almost) more than I enjoyed hanging out with him. She's intelligent, strong-willed, reasonable and fun...like I want to be. She finally divorced her jerkish-asshole-from-planet-bastard husband (Alex's dad), and she's SO much happier now. I'm glad for her. Now if Lishabet and Nessa would do the same, it would be wonderful. (Lishabet is with Charlie. I am so pissed. And now he's treating her the exact same way he did before, and she's holding on because she thinks he's gonna change. And of course, guess who gets to hear about it every time he says or does something that hurts her.) Anyway, where was I going with all that? I don't remember. Let's see, what else...oh, International Night is Friday. The foreign language club and students in foreign language classes put together an evening of foreign culture: food, dance, music, poetry. Last year I sang "Engel" - which was tough, mind you, because I only had a day to practice and it's in GERMAN whilst I was a student of FRENCH. But I made it, and even if I had messed up no one (except Evelyn, who is German) would have noticed. This year I was the president of the FLC. And then I had to quit school. And I saw Melba yesterday, and she tells me that tickets are $5 and she can sell me one right now, they're in her room...I was going to have to buy a ticket. The officers get in free, and I was going to have to buy a ticket. I spent $100 of my own money buying navy slacks and a red blazer (officer's uniform) that I would not have possessed in a million years otherwise, invested my time and money and effort into the club projects, I came to every meeting - even the ones that were called with only ten minutes notice, I was the PR person and plugged the club and its activities and projects at every opportunity, I made the flyers and taped them everywhere, I went on the morning news to talk up our gazebo project, I arranged for us to be in the Homecoming parade and made sure we had a kickass float, I came up with the agenda for meetings, and I was ALWAYS at the dinners - even when I was the only one who showed up. And I was going to have to buy a ticket. I was so...not mad. I wasn't mad. But I felt betrayed, sorta. I didn't have the cash on me at the time so I told her I'd buy one at the door (when the price goes up to $7). And then Yesu calls me that night and tells me that he bought a ticket and can bring a guest for free, and asked me if I wanted to go. Because he thought it was really shitty of them to make me buy a ticket when I had been the PRESIDENT OF THE CLUB. So. Going to that. And then today I took the second part of the GED test, so I'm all done with that. I'm about to starve, but for the past week I've gotten sick every time I ate something substantial, so I'm afraid to try. It's not fun. I've been subsisting on sodas and chocolate for the last few days. Which would be just fine with me if not for the fact that I'm about to die for a salad. Not fun! Not fun at all! I should probably call my doctor, but I hate going to the doctor and I'm hoping it'll just go away so I won't have to. It's probably stress. I have SO much crap going on right now, I need to step back and breathe. Literally. After the lunch rush at work I have to stop and make a concious effort to take a deep breath. Tamara was like "Oh, it ain't that bad," but as soon as I could talk I told her it was quasi-asthma, which she apparently has too. When I get really stressed or really nervous, I can't breathe. I guess that's more like a panic attack, but I've always associated not being able to catch your breath with asthma, so that's what I call it. Not to mention that if you say you have asthma people say "Oh, okay, well take a breath and you'll be okay," but if you say that you're having a panic attack they want to call an ambulance. Anyhow. This is an awful lot of crap that NO ONE CARES ABOUT, so I'll shut up now.

I went to mass Sunday. In my "Easter dress" that I've worn every Easter since 1997. It was...interesting. I dropped my gramma off at her church then drove to the church where mass is usually held...and no one was there. They decided to have it outside this year. So I went to where they were having it. Parked, got out of the car, started looking around the outskirts of the congregation to see if I could spot Yesu. Then I hear "Hey D'Arcy!" from somewheres behind me, which turned out to be Yesu and Mike (oh Mike is creepy), who were directing traffic so they wouldn't have to actually listen to mass. But Yesu went and got a towel for me to sit on (there's a lot of the stand-up-sit-down-stand-up-repeat-this-sit-down stuff) and sat through mass with me. It was interesting. Their priest is Irish, it's funny. He played a pennywhistle! It was so cool! And if you took it out of context and just listened to the music it was really pretty. And he doesn't like Yesu because he sits in church with headphones on and doesn't listen, so he would occasionally glare at him. And then look puzzled when I made Yesu stand up when everyone was standing up, etc. He came and shook my hand after mass. SO! I'm going to see how good my acting skills are and start going to mass and pretending to be a good Catholic girl. See if I can convince him. If I can convince an Irish-Catholic priest that I'm a devout Catholic, then to hell with teaching, I'm going to be an actress. ^_^ It'll be fun. (I'm so weird.) Then after mass I was going to go get my tattoo, and Yesu wanted to be AWAY from his family and their Easter lunch tradition so he asked if he could go with me. And they let him. (Because his mommy likes me, apparently, which I don't understand but hey, it works out fine for me.) So we go to my house because I have to change out of that dress, and I change and we're about to walk out the door when my mom tells me that I am NOT going to get a tattoo, I'm staying and having lunch with the family because it's Easter and she said so. Grrr. So Yesu got away from his family's Easter lunch and had to suffer mine. Poor dear. Then I was still forbidden to go get the tattoo (normally I would tell her to bite me and go get it anyway, but it's her car I'd have to take and that would be stupid) so Yesu and I watched movies. Event Horizon (oh that is such a cool movie) and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Because we're nerds. ^_^ HE'S SO CONFUSING! Gwar! Challenging is fine, I enjoy a challenge. But sending mixed signals is quite another. It drives me crazy. I've got that Sagittarian brutally-honest thing going on and I'll let you know where you stand; I like to have the same courtesy extended to me. And he knows he's doing it! He does it on purpose! The turkey! It's not like I'm frustrated because I can't catch him or whatever. That isn't it. I like the chase. But I want to know if anything is going to come of all the chasing and cat-and-mouse games or if I'm just wasting my time. I HATE to have my time wasted, life is too short for that. If you're interested let me KNOW you're interested, if you're not let me KNOW you're not; don't make me guess. I hate that. And consistency! Consistency is a wonderful thing. If you say you're interested then behave as though you're not, I take that to mean you're f*cking with my brain and I don't have time for it. One minute it's seems like he's looking for any excuse to touch me (holding my hand, hugging me, whatever), then the next it's like being in the same room with me makes him uncomfortable. That drives me crazy. And he does it intentionally. Just to keep me off-balance so that he knows what's going on and I do not. Grr. He's worse than a woman.

Okay. Wednesday I had the best experience I've ever had in my life. I was leaving my house to go pick my mom up from work and I saw what looked like two kittens on the side of the road. As I got closer they didn't look like kittens so much as puppies. So I pulled off the side of the road (because I'm a sucker for baby animals) and got out of my car. They seemed interested in me, and approached warily. Once they got fairly close I saw that they weren't normal puppies - they were coyote pups! One was little and red, she was colored like a fox but she had coyote features. The other one was kinda cream-colored, he looked a lot like the description of Gwydion I put in the WolfAdoption wiki. And I saw "he" and "she" because I know...once they saw I wasn't a threat they came up to me and let me pet them, licked my hands, and rolled over for me to rub their tummies. How cute is that?! Someone on our road must be feeding them or something, wild pups wouldn't just approach a human and expose their bellies. Meh, je ne sais pas. But I felt special, they let me pet them. I named the white one Gwydion (because he looked SO much like the description I wrote) and the red one Sonia (that's just the name that came to me, and it suits her). When they got tired of my attention they went back to examining anthills along the side of the road. So I got in my car and went on my way, grinning like an idiot and flashing my lights at oncoming cars - they'd think there was a cop or a wreck ahead and slow down, which would make it easier to stop if my babies wandered into the middle of the road for some reason. ^_^ Let's see, what else...after that I went to see Yesu because I had time to kill until mom got off work. (Okay, I left early so I'd have time to see him before she needed to be picked up.) I got the letter he's been promising me, which turned out to be three letters and a poem. The first letter was arguing with me about something self-deprecating I'd written in one of my earlier letters. The second letter was sort of psychoanalyzing me...trying to pick through all the static and find my real motives for the things I do and say. (Good luck, dearest...even *I* can't figure that one out.) The contents of the third letter and the poem are none of your damned business. Then I wrote him back, CAREFULLY choosing what to respond to and how. I love writing him letters, I realize so much about myself when I'm trying to explain to him why I think the way I do. So I gave him that letter yesterday, when he & Stevie & Stevie's girlfriend & Matt & Thad all came up to the library to game. I just sat in on the gaming, I didn't game with them because I don't like Stevie's DMing style. So I just sat on the floor in the middle of the room, while they were all sitting at a table in the front of the room. And stared at him. Because he couldn't see me anyway and he's SO nice to look at. ^_^ Lessee...oh! I worked 6 hours yesterday. Made $60 in tips. Just in tips! That's averaging $10/hour JUST IN TIPS! Which makes it, what, $12/hour when you add the waitress wage they have to pay me? Oh man. I I promptly went and deposited $40 of it into my account (my poor little account was so sad, I spent $76 of it buying Lollapalooza tickets), keeping $20 to get my nails done because they're driving me crazy. So that's what I did today - went and got my nails done. With bright-ass-red fingernail polish. (Last time I got my nails done I wanted to see what it was like to have red fingernails, since that's the stereotype: red nails, red lipstick, blue eyeshadow, dark pink blush. So I got them painted red, and I decided that every time I get my nails done from then on, the first color would always be red.) I love it...don't know why. Makes me feel - empowered? Something like that. Like "Bring it on, I dare you! I'll monkeystomp you!" ^_^ Because I'm weird. I work deck tomorrow (read: NO $...unless I can get my friends to flock to Country's and request the deck.), and then we're closed Sunday for Easter. My gramma will probably go to church (out of habit, not because she's a good Christian woman or anything), and mom will probably do some little devotional something. Even if she were going to church, I wouldn't have to go, because she knows I don't believe all that and what good would it do me to be bored off my gourd in church for an hour? So I don't have to go to church with them. But Yesu's mommy is an obsessive Catholic lady and nothing short of dying would get him out of going to mass, so I was thinking maybe I'll go to mass with him. Because he doesn't believe it either but at least I'd be able to keep him from doing something incredibly stupid and pissing off his mother. (He has a tendency to do that. He's one of the most intelligent people I know, but he hasn't learned yet how to choose his battles. He will NOT win an argument about religion with his mother, because she's a fanatic. The only purpose arguing serves is to get him grounded. He argues logically, he makes sense, but as I said she's a fanatic, so every time he makes a valid point she hides behind the Bible, even when there isn't anything in there that can prove him wrong. She'd be a great lady if she didn't have kids. It's mothers like her that create the fundamentalists with rifles that think Jesus told them to massacre employees of the government.) Anyway, we'll see. Maybe gramma can ride to and from church with her little old lady friends and I can take her car to go to mass with Yesu. I've always wanted to attend mass (at least once) and I'm sure his mom won't have any objections to me going...maybe it'll save my soul. *cough, cough, chuckle, cough* ^_^ Well...a bientot!

Had work Saturday and Sunday. (Oh Sundays are the devil, they had me in section 2 that has big tables and these huge parties kept coming in and I don't think I ever had more than ten minutes when there wasn't some huge party in the 2 room.) BUT! I made $26.50 in tips. Just in tips! I figured in my hourly wage and averaged it out...I was making the equivalent of $10.31/hour. How cool is that?! So it wasn't so bad. I made $16.76 in tips on Saturday, when I was working the 8 room (it's like the 2 room, only in the smoking section where hardly any big parties want to sit). So...$26.50 + $16.76 + $15.98 = $59.24! I made $59.24 in 2 days, working 3 hours Saturday and 4 1/2 on Sunday (only 3 1/2 actually waiting tables...the other hour was spent doing my side work). $59.24 for 7 1/2 hours' worth of work. I'm dying to tell Steve. He's working at Hooters as a line guy and probably making minimum wage, or maybe a little more. And he laughed at me when I told him I'd gotten a job as a waitress at Country's. "A waitress? They get paid about jack nothin'! Ha! At Country's! Ha ha ha!" The jerk. (I don't particularly care for Steve.) And ugh...his girlfriend. His girlfriend has a crush on me. A blatantly obvious crush on me. He knows it. He encourages it. UGH. She's a sweet girl, great friend and kinda cute, but she's STEVE'S GIRLFRIEND. That's just wrong on all kinds of levels. First there's the fact that she's sleeping with him. NO. I wouldn't sleep with Steve (even if we were the last two people on earth and it would be solely for repopulation purposes...the human race would just die out), so I wouldn't sleep with anyone who's slept with him. No. No no no no no. That's gross. And she tells him everything. EVERYTHING. So even if I could get past the fact that Steve is slimy and creepy and god only knows what kind of diseases he may have given her, there's still the fact that she'd tell him all about it. And that's nasty too. Doing anything with her would be like having a video camera running that is linked directly to Steve's TV screen. No no no no no. I'm sorry. She's sweet, nice girl...but no. That would go against a lot of things that I stand for. Not to mention that it would be GROSS!!! Well...gotta go.

I wrote my first paradelle yesterday! A paradelle is a poem of four six-line stanzas in which the first and second lines, as well as the third and fourth lines of the first three stanzas must be identical. The fifth and sixth lines, which traditionally resolve these stanzas, must use ALL the words from the preceding lines, and ONLY those words. Similarly, the final stanza must use EVERY word from ALL the preceding stanzas and ONLY those words. Read: Big pain in the ass. But I wanted to try my hand at it. So. Here 'tis.


-Attempt at a Paradelle-

Would it change things
Would it change things
If I said
If I said
If I said it
Things would change

What if I'm not forever
What if I'm not forever
I may only be tonight
I may only be tonight
If I'm only tonight
What I may not be forever

Seeking nights of sweat and sound
Seeking nights of sweat and sound
Revelling in your possession
Revelling in your possession
Nights of revelling seeking possession
And sound in your sweat

What if seeking sound
Revelling in sweat
And nights of your possession
It would only be forever
If things I'm not tonight
I may change I said



Ta-da! That was a real bitch to write, double-check me if you'd like. I don't think I'll be writing too many more of those, but it's always good to try at least once.

Gah, I hate being a girl. I had to go to the doctor yesterday. (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.) Ugh. I hate that. Hate it! Thankfully I have a female doctor (I refuse to go to a guy for things like that, he couldn't possibly understand the feelings that go with it.) but still. Ugh. And I had to have blood drawn. Double ugh. I'm so sick of them drawing blood. I'm only 108 pounds, I don't have much to spare! At least I know I could never use intravenous drugs. I hate needles. I don't have an irrational fear of them or anything, but I'm tired of them. Uuuugggghhhhh. But I suppose I shouldn't bitch too much, for all the shit I have to deal with I do get some peace of mind. What else...I got my first check yesterday! I went and promptly openned a checking account with it. I didn't cash it or keep any of it. I put it all in the account. Which I won't have a card or real checkbook for until next week at the earliest, so I can't spend any of it for at least that long. That's okay though, it's better that way. I'm so happy. I have my own income and my own account and ACCESS to my money. I don't have to beg off my mom if I want stuff anymore, and I don't have to carry the cash. Woot! Lessee...saw Yesu and Matt and Cherry yesterday. We were all supposed to meet at Country's at noon (I thought I was going to have enough money to get my tattoo, but they messed up my hours so I didn't get as much as I should have...they're gonna fix that) but Stevie and Dante couldn't make it, so the four of us went to GuRuMa (traditional Japanese restaurant) and scraped up enough money to get enough food to temporarily placate our growling stomachs. I got a bowl of steamed rice and the guys split a cucumber roll...8 little bite-size balls of rice and seaweed and cucumber. I think I dined better than they did. Anyhow. We sat and talked and talked and talked until Myong (the Korean lady that works as hostess, how funny is that?) started turning off lights...they open for lunch at 11am and close at 2pm, then open for dinner at 5pm and close at 10pm. So we got up and went to the mall. Dante apparently enjoys wandering around in women's clothes, and Cherry had a $30 gift card to Abercrombie & Fitch that he was NEVER GOING TO USE, so we went and bought Dante a cute little bright-ass-pink tank top. ^_^ That didn't cost too terribly much so Yesu decided to make the most of our little venture and told Cherry we ought to buy a pair of thongs, too. So. They were all really uncomfortable being in Abercrombie & Fitch anyway, and they were even more uncomfortable buying thongs and a pink tank top, so I was the one who had to go and actually buy the stuff. The girl behind the counter gave me a funny look...I guess because here comes this tomboyish girl and three skater guys, one of whom picks up a striped thong on the way to the register and goes "This too." I bet there were all kinds of scenarios playing in her little mind. I should've said "I'm buying these for my girlfriend, do you think she'll like them?" But I was ready to get out of there, the atmosphere was suffocating me. Then we leave, and Matt puts on the tank top - over his shirt - and walks around the mall in it. A few GIs whistled at him and a few little old ladies stared, but it was funny. He was going to put the thongs on his head but I managed to talk him out of that one. We went to the bookstore and were just wandering around...Yesu found a book called "How to Spot a Bastard by His Astrological Sign." He brings it to me and goes, "You could've used this a year ago!" (He's never liked Alex, but he REALLY dislikes him now.) So I read the parts about certain signs, and it's frighteningly accurate. Alex and Bryan were Aquarians - okay, well, the description fits Bryan to a T but I guess Alex doesn't have the intelligence to be a logical Aquarian bastard. Then I read the one about Cancer, that was Ric (astrologically and emotionally, he was my cancer, he was killing me from the inside and when I thought I'd gotten rid of him he kept coming back), no doubt about it. So I figure okay, the rest of these are insanely correct, let me read the one for Gemini...that's Yesu. Just out of curiosity. (That's what I'm telling myself, and I won't listen to you if you try to say otherwise.) I didn't read all of it, just the summary parts. Some of the characteristics were accurate, they're demonstrated in his behavior, but some of them were the polar opposite. I suppose, though, he IS a Gemini and maybe I just haven't seen the other side of him. Although I think I got a fleeting glimpse of it in that bypass-the-filters letter, but even though he wasn't conciously editing or censoring it I think his subconcious is so used to hiding traits that might be unpleasant, it does it automatically. Maybe, maybe not. Je ne sais pas. He's lovely though, and I'm sure y'all can already tell that I'm really into him. I care about him because he's my friend and I'd go through hell twice for him. I love him, but don't you dare tell him I said that! (Like any of you know him anyway...) I don't know why I love him...I don't think you're supposed to know. Meh, je ne sais pas. To be honest I'm not interested in anyone else, but I know myself well enough to realize that just as soon as I tie myself to him in a binding relationship, things will go to shit. Not like he'll turn out to be an ass (although that's entirely possible, I've gotten in trouble in the past by ruling out that possibility), but because I have this need for freedom. Like a feral cat. If a cat wanders into your yard and you try to keep it caged, it will fight and claw and hiss until you let it go, and it will never come back. But if you don't try and force it, it will stay. Because it knows it can leave anytime it wants to. Do you see what I'm saying? I guess it a control thing, I like things to be on my terms. Meh, whatever. That's the way I am, I've accepted that. But what was I saying? Ah yes, I'm not interested in anyone else...one part of me is saying "Tread lightly, slowly, cautiously. Be careful or you'll slip and fall." And another part is saying "Stop f*cking around, you don't have time for this. When you're old and dying, would you rather regret the things you did or the things you didn't do?" And I agree with them both. I don't want to cause myself more pain by rushing in without thinking, but I don't want an opportunity to pass me by while I'm trying to decide how to make the most of it. Gah! I don't know what I should do, and the world doesn't just stop to let you make up your mind. "Many a false step is made by standing still." Where did I hear that? It's true and I know it is, but I'm afraid. That's what it all boils down to, in the end when all's said and done. I'm afraid that I'll make a mistake and f*ck everything up and never be able to take it back. I know myself and I've accepted what I am, but I'm afraid to let him see. I could give a damn what everyone else in the world thinks, why am I so terrified that he won't like the real me? I think maybe it's because he reminds me of myself so much, if he doesn't approve then maybe I don't either, maybe I just say that I do because it makes it easier to live with myself. Je ne sais pas, je ne sais pas. It makes my brain hurt. And I'm sure your eyes are tired and your nerves are frayed from listening to me bitch and moan about my life. Everyone has problems. I need to shut up and deal with mine. Anyhow! I think that's enough for now...

Yesu has asked me if I want to go to Lollapalooza with him. Hell yes I want to go to Lollapalooza with him, that means I get to spend a full day with him (oh he's so sexy) listening to kickass music. Woot! It's at noon, I'd have to get up early to get there in time...but that's okay, I'll suffer. ^_^ It's before school starts (for either of us) and after I've had all summer to work and make money. Alright! *dances* Let's see, it's in August, that means... *realization* ...That means happiness. Oh that means lots of happiness. *mischeivous grin* Anyway, I guess that's all for today.

I did SO much better at work yesterday. Except when we got triple-sat, I took care of all the tables pretty much by myself. I didn't make nearly as many mistakes, I'm so happy. ^_^ And let's see, what else...okay, let me begin on last Wednesday. Yesu called me, we talked (for an hour, my mom was pissed), and I told him to write me a stream-of-conciousness letter, no editing, no self-censorship. Let the thoughts go from mind to paper and bypass the filter. So he did. Mailed it Friday. I talked to him Friday night, he says I owe him a letter, same rules. Asks me to please not mention anything that's in his letter. I ask him what was so embarassing, and he said he didn't really remember...I told him that was a damned lie because if he didn't remember he wouldn't be embarassed. So. He just says that I should write my letter before I read his. Okay. So I write it, it ended up being three pages, I vaguely remember what I wrote but I didn't read over it because I knew if I did I would edit it. I got his letter Saturday. Hmmm. Dewa. I think I can pick out which parts he was embarassed about, but I don't see why. He should know me better than that, I'm not like most other girls, things that would shock them intrigue me. And I am VERY intrigued. I think it's the terminology, he used several phrases that struck me as terribly appropriate and stuck in my head, I could recite half of that letter from memory because the phrasing was so good. (I'm an English teacher at heart, can you tell?) I guess I admire his courage for actually sending me the letter, knowing that there were things in it that may or may not shock or offend me. That's very attractive. So I took him the letter I'd written yesterday. Thankfully he has more consideration than to read it right then, I don't think I would have been able to look him in the eye. I'm so weird - I thrive on things like this. I love the suspense, wondering if I overstepped any bounds or if he's like me...I'd better not say any more. But there's a lovely little hum of nerves buzzing in my ears, just beneath the surface. Hopefully he wrote me after reading my letter and mailed it today, if so I should get it tomorrow. And if I do and it's the response I hope to get, I have Wednesday off and nowhere else to be...

I PASSED MY TEST! IpassedmytestIpassedmytestIpassedmytest! *dances* I got to work and they're like, "Oh by the way, your test is today." Dewa! So I go all day without worrying about it, I drive over to the testing site not worrying about it. I sit down to take the test and start worrying about it. So I worry about it all through the test, and the whole time the lady's grading it. Then she looks up and goes, "You passed." That's all. Just "You passed." Then she called Lindsay (head waitress when Monica isn't there, and Monica happens to be on vacation) and told her that I passed and would be ready for work tomorrow. Kick ass! You know what that means? That's right - I get to keep my tips! WOOT! *dances some more* Damn I'm good! ^_^

I don't have work again until Sunday, cuz Maria is on register and there's no one else for them to put me with. And I finally got off my lazy butt and went exploring and found Victory Drive (Highway 27 turns into Veteran's Parkway turns into 4th Avenue dead ends into Highway 80 turns into Victory Drive), then explored a bit more and found Superior Skin Art. I looked around a bit, and couldn't find quite what I was looking for. So I asked the guy, and he showed me the things that they have that are along the same lines, and I didn't really like those. Then he tells me I can just pick the shape that I want and tell them I want it in a different style. I didn't like any of the shapes, either. So I asked them for a sheet of paper and a pencil, and I drew the one I had designed myself. Gave it to him, he showed it to the girl that actually does the tattooing, asked me what size, and told me it would be about $90. Not bad! Not bad at all! And Sakana didn't get me a present when I turned 17, so she said she'd pay for my first tattoo or piercing when I turned 18. Well...that tattoo is more expensive than a nose piercing, so I'll let her pay for it. I can use the money I make waiting tables to get my nose pierced. ^_^ SO! I need to call her and tell her to save $90 out of her next paycheck then bring her happy ass to see me. Then we'll go and she'll pay for it and I'll get my tattoo. But where will I get it? I haven't thought about that...any ideas? I'll change my poll...

Today wasn't so bad. The first three or four tables were crappy, but after that I did okay. Man, the last seven tables I waited (by myself, mind you) either left several dollars on the table or even more on their credit card, and damn if I didn't have to hand them over to Maria... GWAR! I waited those BY MYSELF. That was probably...let me count...at least $20 in tips. Granted, I don't HAVE to give her the tips, I mean, if people hand them directly to me then how's she gonna know? But aparently I'm a pansy and don't want to break the rules. Hmph. BUT! I did keep a five this one guy handed to me. Because I earned it. Damn it. And they cancelled my "Sales and Service" class (ooh, that's a snide remark just waiting to happen) that was supposed to be this afternoon and rescheduled it for April 13th or 14th...meaning, I can't take my test until AFTER that. Meaning I'll be "in training" and taking shit from everyone and not getting to keep my tips for another two weeks. Ugh. I do fine when I'm on my own, it's when I have to deal with people trying to tell me what to do that I mess up. There IS a method to my madness, whether they know it or not, and them trying to remind me of all the things I have to do only confuses me and makes me screw up. So. Bleh. AND! Wes (un tres, tres mignon garcon) isn't just swishy - he flames. With both hands. And a foot. How did he put it? "I'm fanning the flames of my faggotry." IT'S SO IRRITATING! Almost all the cute ones are either gay or taken - or both. So, out of the entire staff at Country's North, it's just me, Wes, and some girl on night shift that wear rainbows. (I have a ribbon that I use as a bracelet, Wes has a ring he got in Atlanta when they had the parade, and the girl on night shift has a necklace.) It was kinda funny, actually, Wes showed me the ring and told me where he got it, and I informed him (too loudly, perhaps) that I had really wanted to go, but didn't get to. So a few minutes later Maria comes up and goes, "So are you a part of Wes's family?" Prompting Wes to yell from the ice machine "My rainbow family!" It's not fair. I'm very much not his type (in a big and general sort of way), and the girl on night shift is not even CLOSE to cute...although I suppose that's good, it would be a very bad idea to date someone you work with. But still. The line guys (mostly black guys in their late twenties/early thirties) are nice to me though. "How you doin', beautiful?" Makes me feel better. ^_^ Kinda like when I looked and felt like crap and Chad would lisp, "You're looking especially lovely today." Oh, I loved Chad. Tall, built, beautiful eyes, smooth skin, could dance and looked great in tight sweaters... *sigh* Anyway. I need to go pick my mom up from work.

YAY! I'm not gonna lose my job! (I don't think...) I did SO much better today. Maybe because Maria was there and we were do-girls today: Do this, do that, run food, pre-bus... But I enjoyed it, because I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING and what was expected of me. I took a codes/menu descriptions practice test... O.o Gotta work on the menu descriptions, my codes are pretty good. Just some little stuff, easy to fix and remember. (Example: Circle the codes for sweet potatoes, corn on the cob, and skillet apples...the guys on the line have to special-make those.) I think I'll be okay on my test Thursday. (And if not I can cram like crazy Thursday night and ace it on Friday.) I was SERIOUSLY craving a S-CP (mwahaha, I know the code for that one!), and I get the 50% employee discount plus free soda or tea...but I didn't want to write the ticket, call the order, wait for them to fix it, pick it up, sit down and eat, then have to hunt down Monica for her to ring it up. Let's see...it would cost...$3 for the sandwich, free drink, $2.50 for a slice of chocolate chess pie (oh it's SINFUL)...that's $5.50, divided by 2...$2.75? Something like that? Plus tax? WOOT! I think I'll do that tomorrow, it isn't THAT big a hassle and I'm getting so sick of McDonald's it isn't even funny. ^_^ Lessee...OH! Remember boyfriend that got pissed and broke up with me? Well, he's been trying to buy me back. Paid for me to get my ears pierced, takes me out to dinner, takes me to the movies, bought this AWESOME outfit from an Indian couple at the Cherry Blossom Festival...and I let him. If he wants to spend his money on me, that is just fine. Doesn't mean I'm going to take him back, or even consider taking him back. So I'm basically milking that for all it's worth. Which makes me...what did Yesu call it? Lawful Evil. I'm not doing anything illegal, but it's still mean. Although, I don't think it's THAT mean. I consider it asshole tax. (Marla Singer, baybee! ^_^) So...he wants to come see me this weekend. Sure! "A Man Apart" comes out on Friday, and if he's paying then why the hell not? I get free dinner, free movie, free popcorn, maybe even free outfit from Night Moves if I play my cards right, and all I have to do is endure his company for a few hours. Alrighty! I think I can handle that! ^_^ I'm so mean...

Saturday was...interesting. I got to go gaming with my friends (I was the ONLY GIRL). I ended up not gaming because Stevie was the DM and I really don't like him. He gives off this aura of slimy creepiness. Like, it isn't safe for females to be less than alert around him. (Drunk, tired, asleep, etc.) Thankfully Yesu and Dante and Thad and Cherry were there, so I didn't really have to worry too much. Yesu and Dante (and Morgan, but he wasn't there) are my bodyguards. ^_^ So I felt fairly comfortable participating in "shirtless o'clock" which happens around 7:00. It's followed by "naked thirty" at 7:30, but I told them there was no way in the fiery depths of Hades. I didn't mind wandering around without a shirt on (okay I did mind, just a bit) because if I participated then the rest of them had no excuse not to, and...well...hmm. Except Stevie and Thad, the rest of them are pretty nice to look at. And I refuse to feel bad about giving them appraising looks that I know they saw, because they were doing the same to me and it's only fair. ^_^

Sunday was the devil. Church people are Satan. Satan Satan Satan! Bad attitudes and weird orders! Gwar! I was on my feet for six hours yesterday waiting on snotty people. Well, they weren't all snotty. All the couples with babies were pretty nice, left good tips. (That I still can't keep.) There was a party of 6 army guys that came in. They were jovial, easy to get along with and they tried to make their orders as easy as possible. Although I think one of them was Russian, he had an adorable accent and didn't know what anything on the menu was. Never had barbecue before. *shock* But all in all it was okay. I was dead on my feet by 5:00 when I got off work. Then I was going to go see Yesu before I went home, and damn if the transmission didn't DIE as soon as I got off 185. Just died. I've got no reverse and it won't shift beyond 2nd gear. Which really sucked, because I had to call Yesu and have him & his parents come pick me up so I wasn't sitting on the side of the road all night, then I had to call my parents when I got to his house and explain to them what I was doing way the hell out near West Point, where I hadn't told them I was going. And that the car was dead. They told me to drive it home. So I did. 20 mph the whole 45 miles to my house. In Harris County, where it's ALL HILLS. Gah. But Yesu's parents followed me in their car so I wouldn't be stranded if it died the rest of the way, and Yesu rode with me. My but he's sexy. ^_^ My parents didn't kill me, but I'm sure my stepdad is mighty irritated. I don't care, I don't have to deal with him. I can go weeks without seeing him at all - I've done it before! - so I'm not worried about him. And mom's just glad I'm alive and safe. So it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Monday now. I'm going to lose my f*kkin job. I was SO scatterbrained today. Maria wasn't there so I was helping Tammy, and she does that "flight of the bumblebee" thing and I couldn't keep up with her. She'd get people's orders while I was refilling drinks and then fire off orders to me, I was so confused, I just wanted to tell her that she could do her own shit or let me take the orders myself. Then she bitched because I wasn't fast enough. I can only do so many things at once! I cannot fill drinks, make salads, call orders, refill drinks, run food and pre-bus all at the same time! Damn! And she bitched because I didn't write the right codes. I'll give her that, I ought to know the codes. But it doesn't really matter until I take my test, because they always go behind me and write it themselves and use their tickets when calling the orders. GWAR! I'm going to lose my job. I don't know the codes and I can't handle being sat 8 (four tables of two) at one time. I can't. I did fine with Maria, but I get put with Tammy and I'm all thumbs. Wonder why that is? Anyway, I'm not going to know the codes by Thursday, Monica's going to think I can't handle the work, and I'm going to lose my job. Gwar!

MWAHAHA! I am loving this being single thing. I can actually say "Damn the consequences!" and do what I want without worrying what anyone else will think. I gave my number to the hottie at the Chinese restaurant that always remembers to bring me Dr. Pepper and chopsticks. I've been wanting to do that since last year! I doubt he'll call me, or that he'd be able to carry on a conversation in English if he did call me, but it felt very liberating to leave my number scrawled on a napkin for him. ^_^ And I had a mini-slumber-party with one of my bi chicas...that was...interesting. And Yesu! I'm SO going to seduce Yesu! And not just because I can...we actually made an agreement that we'd get together if we were ever single at the same time. So...now we're both single...and he's very much sexy...so I'm very much going to molest him... ^_~ I love it! I don't think I'll ever be in a binding relationship again...it's so much more fun being free!

And my boyfriend (who's been my friend for five years) broke up with me. Because I got depressed about seeing my ex. Jealousy, aparently, or something akin to it. The jerk. I wasn't aware that I'm supposed to completely forget and have no feelings whatsoever for the FATHER OF MY SON, but I never was too good at doing what I'm supposed to. So...to hell with him! To hell with him, and to hell with Alex, and to hell with guys in general!

GOOD GOD. That was by far the FREAKIEST movie I have ever seen! Creepy creepy creepy! *twitches* I am never seeing another scary movie as long as I live. It was very well made, mad props to the director for that...but I don't want to see it again. Morgan has seen the stupid thing three times, he's like "it gets better every time you see it!" but if being creeped out like that is "good" then I DEFINITELY don't want it to get "better"! I mean, if I had read the script I would've been highly impressed...the plot was very good (as opposed to Darkness Falls, that had virtually no plot or plot progression). But the visuals, the visuals did me in. I am NEVER watching another scary movie. EVER! Morgan left the theater with angry red crescent-moons on the soft underside of his forearm (he was sitting beside me). *twitches some more* CREEPY!!!!

I am such a sucker. Somehow or other Morgan and Bryan managed to talk me into going to see The Ring. Well, rather, they threatened to come kidnap me and make me see a late-night showing of it if I don't go willingly to see a matinee. I know they're serious and I'd rather see it in the daytime, thank you. So now I have to go see this creepy-ass movie with guys who laugh through scary movies, and little bitty me will be the only one who's terrified. Damn them. But that's okay, I'll get them back...they're watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood next time we game at my house! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Let's see...tomorrow's Valentine's Day, right? Dammit. I don't like Valentine's Day. I think it's because I expect too much. It's such a big deal to girls, and I guess it isn't for guys. In years past, if I had a boyfriend when Valentine's Day came around, I expected him to do something sweet or romantic or what have you. I mean, I would do sweet stuff for him, why not? And if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would hope one of my guy friends would do something nice for me because I was so pitiful. And I got disappointed every time. I guess guys just don't understand...Valentine's Day for a single chick is like Christmas for an orphan. So I figure, this year I'll hang out with Lishabet. So THERE! We don't need no stinking guys! *sticks out her tongue at all the guys who ever forgot to be sweet to their girlfriend or single female friends on Valentine's Day*