*sniffles* I can't stop crying. And when I do stop, I'm crying on the inside. It's like my little person, the little girl who hides herself from the world and uses me as a shield, a mask, is so heart broken that her sobs reverberate through me and cause me pain. One of these days I'm going to have to kick her out...

Last night's conversation is really bothering me. I sent Kyle a letter with my appologies, because I was a total bitch to him and I didn't listen when he told me to back off. But how could I? What would you've done? He's in so much pain, so much agony, that he's falling apart. And it hurts me to watch this happen to him. He's such a good guy, I don't want to see him like that. I mean, I can handle it, but it stings. It really stings.

I don't know what to do anymore. I try to help, and I get squished like a bug. When I don't help, things just get worse. No matter what I do, something bad happens. Why? Why do I always fail? I can't accomplish anything anymore. What's the point, God? You're doing this to me for a good laugh, aren't you? It's like a reality show to you. Stupid Girl Who Hurts Everyone. Right? *sighs*

I can't deal with this right now. If I do, I'm going to destroy myself, I know it. *sighs again* I'm thirsty. Good bye.

AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I'M SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<

I got into a fight with Kyle. He's the one who suggested I register to this site. Well, okay, it wasn't really a fight, it was more of a heated debate. There really wasn't much arguing.

Lately he's been really down. I've noticed. I don't think he appreciates the fact that I notice those kinds of things and that I'm here to listen. Hell, for all I cared, he could use me as a friggin' human punching bag, and I wouldn't mind, as long as he was feeling better. But anyways...

He had told me what was up. It's a little personal, so I'm not going to say what it is for his own privacy. I'm nice. But again, I'm here. I want to help. I WANT TO HELP YOU, DAMMIT!!! >.< Gah! Why can't he understand that??? He has such a weight on his shoulders, a burden he refuses to let anyone help him carry. I'm not weak, hun. I can help you, if you'd just give me the chance. But no, he didn't accept my offer, and that got me a little riled up. I'm sick of being left on the doorstep. I knock, and knock, and the door opens, but I can't get inside. Why does he do this to himself? These problems will fester, and eventually kill him. I know it. He knows it. And yet he refuses help. My help. And that bothers me.

I offer you my hand, and you slap it away. I extend my arms to you, and you shove me onto the ground like I'm nothing. I love you, hun, and the only thing I get in return is silence and shakes of your head. Why can't you understand that I care about you? I care for you. So what if my own life is in shambles? I can clean up after myself. Let me share your burden, your pain.

I don't ask for much. Normally the only thing I ask for is a willing ear to listen and pickles from the lunch line. So why, for this one tiny request, can't you respond with the tenderness I know is there? The compassion, the feelings, the love? I KNOW it's there. I've seen it on rare occasion, and it makes me so sad that you would bottle it up and hide it from the world. Love is a gift. You don't have to give it away, but when you chose to, it makes people happy. You tell me I should work on making myself happy. Well, the only thing that would make me the happiest woman on the face of the earth would be knowing you care back. That I'm not the only one trying to help.

Help. It's basically all you do, for everyone else but yourself. You don't worry about yourself, only others. A noble cause indeed, but in the end, noble causes get you nowhere.

I understand that you're going through a rough time. I understand your pain, your sorrow. When you say your mind is not your own, your heart belongs to the woman you loved but won't see, I get it. Okay. You love her, and that's all right. It's not a crime, you don't have to hide it.

Please, please, Kyle, why can't you get that I'm not just another person you can pull around on a leash? I don't want to walk behind you, or in front of you with complete control over your every waking moments, but I want to walk BESIDE you. NEXT TO you. It's like the song.

Lean on me
When you're not strong,
And I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For it won't be long
Until I'm going to need
Somebody to lean on.

*yawns* Hmm... A journal, eh? Well, I have nothing better to do at the moment, I might as well shove a post in here, to keep me from just running out the door and never coming back, if only for a few minutes delay.

I haven't slept in two days, had a decent night's sleep in over a week, and I keep having this reoccurring nightmare that's rotting my little bubble to the core. I swear, if this keeps up, I don't know what I plan to do. Heh, I just might follow through with the little voice in my head's words of infinite wisdom and take a friggin' shotgun to my head. *shrugs dispassionately* Not like anyone would cry over me. Who cries over spilt milk?

Boredom is threatening to overpower me. There is absolutely nothing to do in my house, unless I want to watch T.V. or freeze my ass off on the dirt bike... And I really don't wanna freeze my ass off... *turns her head so she can see her backside* I kind of like it where it is. I mean, if I had no ass, how would I sit down? How would I flop onto a sofa and play vidoe games for hours on end? o.o How would I fit into a pair of pants???

That's why I hate fashion. All these clothes are made for these skinny chicks with great butts and fantastic breasts. They obviously didn't open their eyes very wide when the designers went and created their "masterpieces". Who, honestly, is THAT skinny??? T_T And because most companies don't consider that some ladies might be short and overweight, I get screwed. Damn them! I am NOT a size 8! I need longer legs for that. Thank god for JC Penny, though, and their girls' plus sizes. ^^ Makes me feel small, to go shopping in there. Although most of the jeans are like, full of sparklies and pink butterflies and flowers and other junk that would make me puke my brains out, I have my moments of glory in finding a pair that work wonderfully. 14 1/2-16 1/2! That's me! >D

You know what else? It's really hard to find a decent top nowadays. I went shopping with my mom, and she grabs this "adorable" little shirt she thought was cute. But, when she holds it up to my putrid form, lo and behold the neck line swoops so low that if I was to bend over, I swear to you that the girls would pop out and wave hello to everyone. I don't want that kind of attention. I would rather be stuck in a frumpy sweater than to go around in something like that. Bleh. :P Ickeh.

Lately I've been having an issue with optimism. >> Mine went AWOL. It's gone. Probably not forever, but as of now, there's a very, very, VERY slim chance it'll ever decide to return to me like the good little puppy dog I wish it was. Here, Optimism, c'm'ere, boy! Here puppy puppy puppy! Who's a good puppy? Come to Monnie, puppy! *sighs* Yeah, right. It's more of a runaway pet gerbel. Slim to none chance that it even survived the first five minutes of being outside in this weather, it's so cold out right now. *shivers*

Anyway, I can't cheer up. I mean, sure, I have my subtle moments of euphoria, rare in occurence, but otherwise I'm just acting. Pretending I'm happy. And it usually works. My school is a very large jumble of moronic bodies with everything on their minds EXCEPT school, unless they're the total school nerds and would pay big money to spend their entire lives in educational institutions. Ho yeah, big nerds. Don't get me wrong, it sounds interesting, as long as it was an art institute. Then I'd be happy. Well, for a little while, anyway.

My only little escapes have been shattered, due to the fact that my mother works in the school and can find out anything and everything she wants to know about anyone. It's scary how she does that sometimes... o.o If I had my license, my car, and my keys, I wouldn't even bother coming to school. I'd call myself in sick, steal my friend Kyle, and drive off somewhere. Anywhere but Cambridge. Maybe Duluth, for a change in scenery. Or, even better, how about all the way to Arizona, where it isn't constantly cold and my fingers feel like they're gonna fall off every few minutes they're not hidden in my sleeves. I like Arizona. Lots of desert, lots of sun, lots of warmth, and no one knows me there. I could start life all over, if only I could move down there and change my name. Lauren would be nice, or maybe Kari. My cousin's name's Kari, though we all call her Karly. No one notices. And I would take up my mom's maiden name. Jones. >D No way in HELL they could ever find me if I did that!!! Do you know how many Jones there are in the world? A lot. I could so blend in, if I continue to act normal. A stretch, but I've been doing it for the last 13 years of my life, when I first realized I wasn't like everyone else. Ho yeah, I was a smart-ass little two-year-old. I had like, no friends except my neighbor, who is my unofficial sister. That's how pathetic I was, and that's when my little bag of peppy happy goodness dissapeared from under my bed and was never seen again.

I don't really have anything mroe to write, and I'm getting a head ache from the lack of sleep that's been accumulating on my shoulders. If only I could sleep... And not wake up crying and screaming. What's worse is that lately, I've been biting my lip when I do doze off for a minute or two, and wake up to the metalic taste of blood on my tongue, and a slight cold river flowing down my chin. Oh yeah, what a great sensation to wake up to. The first thought you get is that you're drooling and you look like a dope, until you get up and look at the mirror sitting across the room and see the crimson waves wash your face in a sea of red darkness. Lovely. -.-

So, I'm going to go. I want to set up all the other stupid things I can with this site. Thank you, Kyle, for giving me the URL to Elftown and convincng me I should register. Thank you, thank you, oh, so much. >.< Darn you and your skinny behind! >O