I was supposed to go to set construction. I told all my friends I would go to set construction. I promised Dana, Amanda, Cassie that I'd go to set construction.
I didn't go.
I told Mr. Danielson I would see what I could do about carpooling everyone to Braham for their production of Phantom. I was supposed to drive Manashi, Tom, Cassie, and Dana to Phantom. I said I would help drop some of the kids home after Phantom.
I didn't go.
I lied to my mom, said I went to construction. I told her Amanda came and picked me up. Said that she came when Dad was vaccuuming up the leaves in the back yard, and only stayed for an hour. That I just didn't feel like going to Phantom, but that I honestly got to set construction.
I didn't go.
Why? Heh... Here we go...
This little thing, this row, this arguement, conversation, dissagreement, the talk I had last night. I've been so broken. For one thing, I was denied. I was denied access. I was denied access into my friend's life. I was denied the chance to help. Shoved away like a discarded piece of trash.
Later, the phone rings.
***
Amanda. "Where were you?"
I was sick.
"I thought you were coming."
I was sick.
"But you said you'd come!"
I was sick, dammit.
"No you weren't, no you arent. What's wrong?"
I hung up.
***
Dana. "Hey, you were supposed to drive me to Phantom."
Sorry.
"What's wrong? You sound sad."
I'm sick.
"Really? Why didn't you call?"
I couldn't.
"Why?"
I can't talk.
"Obvoiusly. You're usually the talker in conversations, and all you give me are petty one liners. Something's up."
...
"You don't want to tell me?"
... No...
"*sighs* Alright then. Mr. D. wasn't very happy, hun."
...
"*sighs again* I'll talk to you later."
I hung up.
***
Mr. Danielson, the head drama director. "Monika, you were supposed to come to set construction. Where were you?"
I got sick.
"*pauses* You don't sound sick."
I'm sick, sir.
"With what?"
A heart break.
"*sounds slightly flustered (He's not good with that kind of response.)* Um, well then, why didn't you um, call?"
I can't talk.
"But you're talking right now."
I can't talk.
"Something really bad happened, huh?"
... You could say that...
"Does this have to do with your boyfriend?"
I don't have one.
"But Thomas said..."
Tom lied.
"And so did Manashi, and Anna, huh?"
Yes. It's a rumor. Nothing more.
"But I thought I saw you two in the halls."
We aren't dating.
"But you were holding hands."
We aren't dating.
"So holding hands has become a friend thing?"
With us.
"I see. Well, you were supposed to drive some kids to Phantom. And I'm a little dissapointed, but if it was that bad, I can understand."
... Thank you.
"I'll see you on Monday, Monika."
Bye, Mr. Danielson.
I hung up.
*** One last phone call came a little bit ago.
My sister. "Monika Rose Shimko, you explain to me right now what is wrong with you. I'm getting a ton of texts that you were missing from your little... What was it, set contsruction thingy. And Dana texted, saying you were upset. It's not like you to miss something like this, young lady."
You're only two years older than me, if that.
"Shut up! That's not the point! Something's eating at you, and I want to know what's up. Now spill, before I have to walk across the street and beat you up!"
...
"I'll do it!"
...
"Gah! Monika, tell me what's up!!!"
... I can't.
"You can't what?"
I can't talk.
"And why not???"
I just can't.
"*long pause* You broke, didn't you?"
You could say that.
"Do you want me to come over?"
No.
"Do you need some chocolate?"
... Tempting, but no.
"Will you tell me what's wrong?"
You said it. I'm broken.
"But what broke you?"
Whom.
"Don't you mean who?"
No, whom. English.
"Dammit, I'm bad at English. Okay, who broke you?"
My friend.
"It isn't that boy you're dating, is it?"
I'm not dating anyone.
"But everyone says..."
I'm not.
"Oh, so if I asked him, he'd tell me the same thing?"
Yes.
"Well, who is he? I'll ask him."
You don't know him.
"What grade is he in?"
Senior. New. You don't know him.
"Oh, is he that guy everyone is saying tried to rape Holly Keanne or whatever the hell her last name is?"
Yeah.
"Ew. You should stay away from him."
It isn't true.
"How do you know it isn't?"
How do you know it is?
"... Good point... it's Holly, after all..."
There we go.
"But what about Lindsey Cahoole or whatever?"
There are cameras in the library. Until I have concrete evidence he did anything to her, it's bullshit to me.
"Hmm... another good point... So, what'd he do?"
Yelled.
"Yelled? As in, at you?"
Sort of.
"About...?"
...
"What did he yell about?"
It's the right thing to do.
"What is?"
Helping others when you need help yourself. He yelled.
"*pauses* Wait... Helping others when you need help yourself? No, you shouldn't do that, it'll hurt you worse in the long run."
That's what I said.
"So why'd he yell?"
Because he thinks it's the right thing to do.
"Oh. I see. And you said it wasn't, so he yelled."
Yeah.
"So you're pretty shaken up."
Mmhmm.
(this convo's rather long...)
"Well, what were you talking about?"
A problem he has.
"What is it?"
I can't tell you.
"Bad?"
I can't tell you.
"Really bad, huh?"
I can't tell you.
"Wow, it's that bad, huh? Well then, what're you going to do about it?"
... Nothing.
"*pauses* Nothing? Monika Shimko do nothing? Ha. You're funny."
I'm serious.
"And I'm the easter bunny."
Nice to meet you.
"Wow, you didn't even laugh... You are seroius. You're going to do nothing? You aren't going to try and help him?"
When I help him, I get shoved back. He doesn't want my help.
"Hmm..."
He's helped me so much lately, but when I try to return the favor, I get yelled at.
"Maybe you should just stop hanging out with him?"
Abandon him?
"Yeah. He sounds like a jackass. What kind of a guy would do that to someone? I don't care if guys think help is a sign of weakness, it's rude to do that to anyone. Especially my sister. I should kick his ass, the bastard. He broke my sister, he's going to pay. Seriously, you should just ditch him. A guy like that isn't worth your time. *pauses* Monika? Hello, are you there? Monika?"
*breathing really deeply*
"Are you crying over that asshole??? Goddammit, girl, get over him! He's a caniving, inconsiderate loser! Pull yourself together!"
N-no.
"... What?"
I-I s-s-s-said n-no.
"No???"
H-he's not like th-that. H-he's n-not a jackass, a b-bastard, a-an asshole, none of th-that. He's n-not incons-siderat
"..."
He's kind, and caring, and just, and honest. He's sweet, he listens, and he holds me when I cry. He's understanding. He's thoughtful. He means a lot to me. He's my rock.
"But he broke you."
I've been broken for a long time, LaCinda. A very long time. You know that. He's trying to help me fix myself. And although he's also broken, he's probably going to keep on trying. And I'm going to try to mend his wounds, tend for his soul, care for his being, love the self he adamantly hates. I'm going to try to save him from the hell he's placing himself in. And if I can't do that, at least I'm going to try and protect him from the fall. From his pain. If I can ease it, if only a little, I'll do it. I will. And no one can stop me. Not you, not Mom, not anybody. I refuse to believe he can't be saved. Everyone can be saved. Even those who refuse to accept redemption, forgiveness, love.
"..."
You can say anything you want. You can tell me I'm an idiot, a fool, the stupidest whore on the face of the earth. I can deal with it. But you can't deter me from the choice I've made.
"*long pause, sighs* That was a noteworthy speech. I'm sorry."
Don't be. You didn't know, you don't know, and you probably never will know.
"..."
Goodbye, LaCinda. I'll talk to you some other time.
"... bye..."
She hung up.
... Now you know, my sweet sister, a little of the pain I've been dealing with.
I hung up.
***
*sniffles* I can't stop crying. And when I do stop, I'm crying on the inside. It's like my little person, the little girl who hides herself from the world and uses me as a shield, a mask, is so heart broken that her sobs reverberate through me and cause me pain. One of these days I'm going to have to kick her out...
Last night's conversation is really bothering me. I sent Kyle a letter with my appologies, because I was a total bitch to him and I didn't listen when he told me to back off. But how could I? What would you've done? He's in so much pain, so much agony, that he's falling apart. And it hurts me to watch this happen to him. He's such a good guy, I don't want to see him like that. I mean, I can handle it, but it stings. It really stings.
I don't know what to do anymore. I try to help, and I get squished like a bug. When I don't help, things just get worse. No matter what I do, something bad happens. Why? Why do I always fail? I can't accomplish anything anymore. What's the point, God? You're doing this to me for a good laugh, aren't you? It's like a reality show to you. Stupid Girl Who Hurts Everyone. Right? *sighs*
I can't deal with this right now. If I do, I'm going to destroy myself, I know it. *sighs again* I'm thirsty. Good bye.
AAAAAAAAAAAH!!
I got into a fight with Kyle. He's the one who suggested I register to this site. Well, okay, it wasn't really a fight, it was more of a heated debate. There really wasn't much arguing.
Lately he's been really down. I've noticed. I don't think he appreciates the fact that I notice those kinds of things and that I'm here to listen. Hell, for all I cared, he could use me as a friggin' human punching bag, and I wouldn't mind, as long as he was feeling better. But anyways...
He had told me what was up. It's a little personal, so I'm not going to say what it is for his own privacy. I'm nice. But again, I'm here. I want to help. I WANT TO HELP YOU, DAMMIT!!! >.< Gah! Why can't he understand that??? He has such a weight on his shoulders, a burden he refuses to let anyone help him carry. I'm not weak, hun. I can help you, if you'd just give me the chance. But no, he didn't accept my offer, and that got me a little riled up. I'm sick of being left on the doorstep. I knock, and knock, and the door opens, but I can't get inside. Why does he do this to himself? These problems will fester, and eventually kill him. I know it. He knows it. And yet he refuses help. My help. And that bothers me.
I offer you my hand, and you slap it away. I extend my arms to you, and you shove me onto the ground like I'm nothing. I love you, hun, and the only thing I get in return is silence and shakes of your head. Why can't you understand that I care about you? I care for you. So what if my own life is in shambles? I can clean up after myself. Let me share your burden, your pain.
I don't ask for much. Normally the only thing I ask for is a willing ear to listen and pickles from the lunch line. So why, for this one tiny request, can't you respond with the tenderness I know is there? The compassion, the feelings, the love? I KNOW it's there. I've seen it on rare occasion, and it makes me so sad that you would bottle it up and hide it from the world. Love is a gift. You don't have to give it away, but when you chose to, it makes people happy. You tell me I should work on making myself happy. Well, the only thing that would make me the happiest woman on the face of the earth would be knowing you care back. That I'm not the only one trying to help.
Help. It's basically all you do, for everyone else but yourself. You don't worry about yourself, only others. A noble cause indeed, but in the end, noble causes get you nowhere.
I understand that you're going through a rough time. I understand your pain, your sorrow. When you say your mind is not your own, your heart belongs to the woman you loved but won't see, I get it. Okay. You love her, and that's all right. It's not a crime, you don't have to hide it.
Please, please, Kyle, why can't you get that I'm not just another person you can pull around on a leash? I don't want to walk behind you, or in front of you with complete control over your every waking moments, but I want to walk BESIDE you. NEXT TO you. It's like the song.
Lean on me
When you're not strong,
And I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For it won't be long
Until I'm going to need
Somebody to lean on.
*yawns* Hmm... A journal, eh? Well, I have nothing better to do at the moment, I might as well shove a post in here, to keep me from just running out the door and never coming back, if only for a few minutes delay.
I haven't slept in two days, had a decent night's sleep in over a week, and I keep having this reoccurring nightmare that's rotting my little bubble to the core. I swear, if this keeps up, I don't know what I plan to do. Heh, I just might follow through with the little voice in my head's words of infinite wisdom and take a friggin' shotgun to my head. *shrugs dispassionatel
Boredom is threatening to overpower me. There is absolutely nothing to do in my house, unless I want to watch T.V. or freeze my ass off on the dirt bike... And I really don't wanna freeze my ass off... *turns her head so she can see her backside* I kind of like it where it is. I mean, if I had no ass, how would I sit down? How would I flop onto a sofa and play vidoe games for hours on end? o.o How would I fit into a pair of pants???
That's why I hate fashion. All these clothes are made for these skinny chicks with great butts and fantastic breasts. They obviously didn't open their eyes very wide when the designers went and created their "masterpieces"
You know what else? It's really hard to find a decent top nowadays. I went shopping with my mom, and she grabs this "adorable" little shirt she thought was cute. But, when she holds it up to my putrid form, lo and behold the neck line swoops so low that if I was to bend over, I swear to you that the girls would pop out and wave hello to everyone. I don't want that kind of attention. I would rather be stuck in a frumpy sweater than to go around in something like that. Bleh. :P Ickeh.
Lately I've been having an issue with optimism. >> Mine went AWOL. It's gone. Probably not forever, but as of now, there's a very, very, VERY slim chance it'll ever decide to return to me like the good little puppy dog I wish it was. Here, Optimism, c'm'ere, boy! Here puppy puppy puppy! Who's a good puppy? Come to Monnie, puppy! *sighs* Yeah, right. It's more of a runaway pet gerbel. Slim to none chance that it even survived the first five minutes of being outside in this weather, it's so cold out right now. *shivers*
Anyway, I can't cheer up. I mean, sure, I have my subtle moments of euphoria, rare in occurence, but otherwise I'm just acting. Pretending I'm happy. And it usually works. My school is a very large jumble of moronic bodies with everything on their minds EXCEPT school, unless they're the total school nerds and would pay big money to spend their entire lives in educational institutions. Ho yeah, big nerds. Don't get me wrong, it sounds interesting, as long as it was an art institute. Then I'd be happy. Well, for a little while, anyway.
My only little escapes have been shattered, due to the fact that my mother works in the school and can find out anything and everything she wants to know about anyone. It's scary how she does that sometimes... o.o If I had my license, my car, and my keys, I wouldn't even bother coming to school. I'd call myself in sick, steal my friend Kyle, and drive off somewhere. Anywhere but Cambridge. Maybe Duluth, for a change in scenery. Or, even better, how about all the way to Arizona, where it isn't constantly cold and my fingers feel like they're gonna fall off every few minutes they're not hidden in my sleeves. I like Arizona. Lots of desert, lots of sun, lots of warmth, and no one knows me there. I could start life all over, if only I could move down there and change my name. Lauren would be nice, or maybe Kari. My cousin's name's Kari, though we all call her Karly. No one notices. And I would take up my mom's maiden name. Jones. >D No way in HELL they could ever find me if I did that!!! Do you know how many Jones there are in the world? A lot. I could so blend in, if I continue to act normal. A stretch, but I've been doing it for the last 13 years of my life, when I first realized I wasn't like everyone else. Ho yeah, I was a smart-ass little two-year-old. I had like, no friends except my neighbor, who is my unofficial sister. That's how pathetic I was, and that's when my little bag of peppy happy goodness dissapeared from under my bed and was never seen again.
I don't really have anything mroe to write, and I'm getting a head ache from the lack of sleep that's been accumulating on my shoulders. If only I could sleep... And not wake up crying and screaming. What's worse is that lately, I've been biting my lip when I do doze off for a minute or two, and wake up to the metalic taste of blood on my tongue, and a slight cold river flowing down my chin. Oh yeah, what a great sensation to wake up to. The first thought you get is that you're drooling and you look like a dope, until you get up and look at the mirror sitting across the room and see the crimson waves wash your face in a sea of red darkness. Lovely. -.-
So, I'm going to go. I want to set up all the other stupid things I can with this site. Thank you, Kyle, for giving me the URL to Elftown and convincng me I should register. Thank you, thank you, oh, so much. >.< Darn you and your skinny behind! >O