Maybe she's just too much drama?

Lilo.

My hamster poops
everywhere but
I love her anyway.
[<3]

I Hate Homeworks.

Great news today;

HIS Myspace is Deleted.

[Invalid Friend ID.]
[This user has either cancelled their membership, or their account has been deleted.]

Maybe this is it. Maybe now it's finally over. Maybe now I can forget and start all over. Geez, I'm saying that all the time, you could think that maybe I should have put some action to it. But I haven't. Or I have. But maybe I just like saying it, "Now I can forget and start over". Or maybe that's just my freaking way of actually getting it into my mind.
But it's there.
But I don't really get it.
Eugh. I don't even know! It's so insane. I don't know what I feel. I wonder sometimes how he is and what he's doing. I sometimes would like to just find out. But I don't want to contact him, why should I even? I left him and I'm going to leave it that way.
I regret the fact that I didn't send his mother that letter though. But oh well, I'll get over that I guess. I would like to apologize to her etc. Maybe I should send them a card for Christmas. (And ruin their Christmas. Ooor maybe I shouldn't do that. No cards for Christmas.) I don't know what I should do. I'll end up doing nothing and that's probably the best.

However I've got to admit that it was freaking sweet to see that his Myspace is gone.
- A relief, actually.



~~~

Partay tomorrow night. Longing. I get off at 9.35, whhheeeheey. Really early. One lesson - YES MA'AM. Will only happen once but I appreciate that. It's Textcommunication and I'm really leet in that class. I wrote the killer line on the advertising picture. A car, a Toyota. We were supposed to write just a little small thing, just like Loreal does "Because you're worth it". I don't know if I spell 'Loreal' right, or if it's their thing (The worth it poo thing.)
OKAY, the best part - I wrote "Drive safe." above the car in the picture.
MAN, I FEEL BRILLIANT.
Yes, feel free to laugh.
It was the first thing I wrote, you can't expect that to be good.

I don't know when the next update will be, probably saturday or maybe sunday. I know you long for the moment when you'll see a new entry in here, I really know you do.

You are still me.
But that doesn't make it less good.
I'm good.

Bye.

The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to [Love],
and be [Loved]
in Return.






I never update here, I thought I'd change that just for today. So here I am.
I missed Him last night, and I hated it.
I know I needed the change and if God would press rewind and bring me back to that moment I'd take the same way. I'd do the same thing. I'd end up here again.
The thing is just that my heart is broken and I'm left here picking up the pieces. He's gone. Actually, he isn't completely gone but he isn't here in the way I'd need him. He'll never be there for me in that way anymore. Never ever. The way he's with me now just makes me hurt, makes me want him gone.
I try to start a new life, to throw out all my memories from that time. Our time. I thought I succeeded and I thought I was going in the right direction. Well - I am. I have changed, I really have. But I never thought every step would be this hard to take. I thought that to get him out would make everything alright. I can always try to convince myself that I'm happier now, but honestly. Sometimes that's not true. Sometimes I'm just as low as I was back then. Maybe even lower? Yeah, maybe even lower. I know I'm better off now, who wouldn't be? I know it wasn't love. I know it wasn't pure. I know it wasn't the best thing ever. But why am I taking it so hard then? Why did I think it was so good and why did he always make my heart flip. I don't even understand it. I'm tired of this, I really am. I'm tired of hurting and I've been for so long. I'm tired of always having a cloud infront of the sun in my sky.
Of course, that could be seen as something good. When I've finally realized that I'm tired of the way everything is for me then I'm ready to move on. Ready to change things, put some effort into a it. Don't get me wrong, I am ready. My God I am, I've been ready for so long. But nothing happens, no matter how much I try. I've been trying to forget him, to just move on. To be happy. But it all comes down to one thing - Nothing changes. My world is practically the same and I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel confident and I don't feel comfortable. I'm still hurting. I still think of him.
And obviously I still miss him, last night proved that.

I just miss the way he said things sometimes. The way he was when he was here. The way he gave me a hug. The way he kissed my cheek when I was pretending to be sad giving him a big pout. The way he told me everything was going to be alright when I really was sad. Just those small things. Sometimes I hear his voice in my head. It doesn't happen too often anymore because honestly I almost forgot how it sounds. I know I would recognize it the moment I would hear it again. But right now I can't picture it.
I guess that's good.
Way to go Jess! Improvement.

I wish I wasn't this weak. I feel lame. Why the hell am I writing this anyway. I know no one will read, and I know that if someone would read they would only think I'm pathetic. So; HI YOU DEAR READER. Feel free to think I'm pathetic. You'll be so right, if you only knew. But hey, sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this. He was my first love, I think. Was it even love or just.. Affection? I don't even know. I know too little. I don't know fuck all anymore, I dislike that feeling so much. My life is a mess and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't even know what I wish for anymore. Before I wished someone would see me, notice I'm hurting and heal me. I don't need to be healed anymore, at least not by anyone else. I know I need to face it on my own right now. I'll grow when I succeed, it'll make me feel better. But God it's a long way there and I doubt I'm ever half way through it. I don't know when I could have done something wrong to him, something so wrong I'd deserve this. Yes, I made mistakes. I'm really clumsy. But did they really make things so bad? Did they really distroy so much I would deserve to hurt this way?
Obviously.
Infact, that's something quite impressive. I thought I did things right and I thought I made him happy. I thought he was in love and I thought his heart was beating for me. I thought that I meant just as much as he meant to me. I think I was a fool all along. Very naive, too young. I don't know where all these tears come from, I don't know how I can still have any tears left to cry. It tears me up inside and I'm so sick and tired of pretending. I smile and pretend that I'm oh so glad to live my life. But sometimes I don't pretend. Sometimes I'm honest. Those times are good. Those times are the way I wish my life would be all the time. Then I'm happy. But that's not how my life is, I always end up here. Yeah, right here. Crying my pants off.
But hey guys, I'm okay.

God, why am I even crying when he hurt me so?
He doesn't even deserve my tears, do he?

One good thing though is that I know I'll never want him ever again. I'll never take him back. I think such thoughts at night. I thought such thoughts last night. I was wondering how everything would be if I would take him back right now. If I asked him to be mine again. WOA, that would SO NOT ever happen. But still. I think I missed him. But I know that when I'd talk to him I'd realize that I didn't miss him at all. I miss the long gone part of him, the part I fell in love with once. I'll never touch that part in him again, damn I don't even want to. I don't even want him to make me laugh again.
What I really miss is probably just Someone. I don't know if I'd be ready, but I still miss it. Miss that special someone. Miss someone to love and someone who would love me back in return.

But me and him, we're both better off now. He lives his life and I live mine. Sometimes it's just so hard! I want to dial his number on my phone. I want to call him, just like I did all those times. All the times when things were good. Yes, I think those times excisted. Maybe five or six time during that year and 7 months we had together. Okay, that's not true, it was probably some more. But I forgot those.
I want him to call me. I want the boy I fell in love with to call me. I want him to be so damn perfect.
He'll never be.

I want to scream,
I want to cry,
I want to beg.
If he would just tell me why he did all the things he did.
Why he hurt me so much. I'll never know.
I'll have to heal anyway.
Somehow.

Phew.
I don't think anyone else but me has been reading through all of this. And maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, enough about all that. I've a broken heart - So what?


This thing is way cooler;
Niet Mokken Lekker Wokken.
- Yeah, I SO speak Dutch fluently. That sentence means 'Don't whine, eat wok vegetables.'



I'm going to bed now.
Goodnight. x