April 25

Yesterday was pretty good. I did absolutely nothing. I took the pt test and did alright..274. The day was good. I ended up going to Jeffs and taking a nap, then going to logic. I went to swords it was kinda fun. I think I had an off night, and someone was being mean to me, and starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I cooked dinner, for Jeff and I. It was good, but a little rushed because I had tutoring.

Today, I went to the doctors. It was alright. I did have to walk all the way to Jeff's to get my purse with my keys in it and walk all the way back because my car was in mo hall parking lot. That was fun...and by fun, I mean tiring.

People don't know when they hurt me, because I smile or laugh. It makes them keep it up, until soon, it really gets to me. I know it is partly my fault, because I guess I am kinda decieving people, hiding what I feel. The truth is, is I am extremely sensitive. You can't get mad at me for doing something that I only feel is fun, not like I want to do anything real with it. And I am not fair, I guess telling people not to take me seriously like just joking around, but me taking them seriously when they I am guessing don't want me to. Then I get hurt. I guess I will have to work on that.

April 21

I am in a fantastic mood!! After everything that happened this week, I am still doing great. I am not sure if that makes me strange or not. It's Friday, pt was cancelled this morning and next week at this time I will be driving to Columbia to pick up my sister!!! I haven't seen her in over a month. I will probably be watching a lot of movies that weekend. Jeff will be gone to buddy challenge :( but I guess it is alright. It will just be my lil sis and me, and possibly Tracy.

I realized for the second time why I don't put my e-mail up on elftown. Strange guys who I don't know want to start web cam with me. Creepy! Oh well, I think they got the hint, or more like blunt refusal. I think I may make a few more changes to my profile. I actually tried to make it pretty much as nerdy as I am. :)

Some fun math stuff I learned today. More like knew before, but it is so strange. Countably infinite. Isn't that a strange phrase? The natural numbers and the integers and the rational numbers are countable, and countable means finite or countably infinite. I guess the common everyday defintion of countable is just finite, so it throws people off a little. But it is so cool!!!

p.s. the guy at the bottom of the screen saying remove yourself from elftown, with a bloody sword and a head...That is extremely creepy.

April 20

Today was kinda hectic. I ended up missing all the school meals, since they had different times today since it was the studend research conference day and school was cancelled. :( But oh well. I got up around 8:30 and had to take a shower. I had a doctor's appointment at 9:30 and I was gonna leave around 9:00 so I got there in plenty of time just in case it took longer to find that I had hoped. But then the receptionist called and said that she had to cancel the appointment since the nurse was sick. So, I rescheduled for Tuesday the 25th. By that time it was too late to eat breakfast. Then I went to the armory around 10:30. I stood in line for 2 and a half hours to get my military ID so I can go to a camp this summer. So by the time I got back it was 1:00 and lunch closed then, so no lunch, but I had to go to a presentation at 1:15 so I would have had only fifteen minutes to eat anyway. So that was most of my day. I missed most of swords tonight :(. I like going, but I had to go to TWiCS. We are making a proposal for the Grace Hopper Convention in the fall we might get to present in San Fransisco, which sounds like it will be a lot of fun. But there is this girl there who really got on my nerves, so I left about 20 minutes early(but the swords group already left *sad*). The girl is an english major so she has no place correcting us on computer science.

I found the Leaves Eyes lyrics!! So now I can learn to sing to them. I love thier songs. So peaceful and so pretty. A gothic rock band with the main singer a woman. One of their songs was a little strange at first talking about love of a woman, but I finally read the lyrics and it was supposed to be in the perspective of a warrior missing a woman.

I know I will be taking care of Jeff tonight, again. He is always hurting himself with this army thing. I love taking care of him, but I wish I didn't have to because that would mean that he didn't get hurt, which is definatly preferable. But I love being there for him and doing things for him, because I can see it in his eyes that he hates asking me to do things for him, which in turn makes me really want to do them.

April 19

Today wasn't that great. I didn't do well on my PT test and I felt sick and no appetite all day.

I don't expect anyone to understand this poem. Except Tracy. And if you thing you know what it is about, think again.

Today
My world came crashing
Down upon me
Everything I did
Turned out
Leading somewhere
Unexpected
Things just weren't
As they seemed
As they looked
But it is hard to explain
And the willingness to listen
Just wasn't there
Things will get better
As they always do
I only need to wait
A little time

April 18

This weekend was easter break. I stayed at school. It was a lot of fun. I ended getting nothing accomplished. On Sunday, it was Olga's birthday, so Jeff and I went over to Remingtons to celebrate. It was a lot of fun. We ended up getting pizza and renting a few movies ;) Then I slept most of the day on Monday.

Secret

I have a secret
And I want to share
The people involved
Probably won't care

I don't know what you'll think
You know I am shy
But there are things you don't know
Like what I will try

I know I have changed
Everyone does
But now I am not sure
If I am as good as I was

Things are happening
They are going way to fast
We both want this
Want this to last

But we are both inexperienced
Never tried this before
At first there was pressure
But not anymore

Will we like it
Will we do it again
I need to tell you
I hope you'll understand

March 29

New Moon tonight. Eeek. Darkness. But it is supposed to be nice today. Up to 64 and sunny. I have a really busy day coming. After class, I will end up staying in Violette Hall and do Calculus until my CS teacher's office hours then go to them, and get help on my program, then I will go to my other CS teacher's office hours and get help with another program. Then mor Calculus, until I am all caught up and understand everything. Then more class, dinner, MAA meeting, tutoring, then studying Calculus with Ryan. After that I will try to work out right before bed. So, much to do and little time(haha actually the whole day) to do it in.

March 27

This weekend was pretty boring. I slept. I did all of my homework this morning, but I got it all done. The medication makes me tired and dizzy, so I can't really do any exercise. But my medication will run out in a week or so, so not much more time.

Eyes and Words

Why can't I tell you
How I feel
You see it in my eyes
But you're not sure
Since what is in my eyes
Conflict with words I say

My words are shy
But my eyes
Tell the truth
The blunt truth
Maybe it is fear
That guard my words

I think it is too late
I let you give up
I thought it was best
But now
I don't know
I question

March 24

Well, I did it. What I have been thinking about doing. It was fun and nothing bad happened. Then Jeff and I went to eat chinese. It was a really good night.

Well, yesterday I had to go to the hospital, for my foot. They diagnosed me with shingles. Something that you can only get if you have already had the chickenpox. But it usually affects elderly people and not the feet.
This is a poem I wrote a long time ago about Jeff. I love him so much. I wrote it at a little bit of a sad time.

Thoughts

As the days pass
And people come and go,
You'll be in my thoughts
Like footprints in the snow.

But these footprints
Never fade,
Never blow away
Never unmade.

March 23

Yesterday I went to the health center because of my foot. I have little white blisters on the bottom of my foot. They are sore and ichy. No one I talked to knew what it was, so I went to the health center. They didn't know what it was either. It was funny though, because they gave me a paper on hyperhidrosis, and a prescription even though they didn't know what it was. They were just like I don't think you have this, but this is what we are going to say you have. Hyperhidrosis is when someone sweats excessively for no apparant reason. I don't do that. When I sweat on my feet it is because I excercise. It has been fine, but I think it is getting worse. Because now it is starting to hurt when I walk. Oh, well, I am sure it will get better.

This morning I got to get up at 5:30 to go swimming at 6:00. In BDU's, so it was water survival. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

I have been thinking all week about doing a certain something. But I don't know if I should or not. I have been trying to find hints or clues to see if I should or not, and I have been getting both, but I had a dream last night that I did and it wasn't a good idea. Now I am not sure if I should. And I don't know what I am going to do if the chance comes up.

March 20

Emily!!!! My ex-roomie came to visit for a week during her spring break. We went to get smoothies together and then ate dinner in Cenntenial, since we never did that when she was here last year. It was fun.

March 19

Today everyone else got back from break. I baked Jill a cake for her birthday. Adrien stopped by for like an hour. It was fun. I missed her. I did feel bad for Jeff. Something is wrong with his mouth. He thinks it might be his wisdom teeth. I hope he feels better.

March 17

Today was interesting. Jeff and I double dated with Olga and Remington. It was fun, but then we all went to see The Hills Have Eyes. It was a horrible movie. Not all that scary, but gross. So, none of us actually finished the movie. But we did go back to Remingtons and watch a good movie.

March 16

I am back from spring break a little early, but my friends wanted to do some things!! So over my break there was a little excitment. My car broke down on the day my sister and I wanted to drive to springfield to go shopping. Well, it actually broke down in springfield, at the place we stopped at first. So, I had to call grandparents and they came all the way to help us. So we wasted the day finding someone to fix the car, and only had an hour to shop. Oh, well. That was Monday. Then on wednesday, yesterday I went over to Tracy's and we watched Serenity. She loved it! Then we went horseback riding. Mine almost layed down in the water it was splashing all around. Kinda cute. And I got a little burned by the sun, which is kinda exciting. It means it is getting warmer!!!

March 8

This morning I had the PT test. It was awesome. Last time I got a score of 247 which is alright, I guess, but I only got 22 push-ups, 81 sit-ups, and I did the 2 mile in 17:52. This time I reached my goal of 270. I actually got 278 with 35 push-ups, 79 sit-ups(they actually made me stop since there was no reason to do more), and a 2 mile of 16:25. I was so happy I have been happy all day. (even though I think I failed my logic quiz, and I have two math tests tomarrow with two programs that I am still not finished with due)

March 6

Not a whole lot happened today. I worked out a bit did homework, went to swords(talking meeting). I went to class, it was fun. I worked out with Jeff last night. I wanted to see how many pushups I could do. Then we worked on kicking. It was a hard work out.

March 5

Today has been a little boring and relaxing, which is nice. I got another bloody nose this morning when Jeff was trying to put a hold on me to show me some grappling technique and accidently hit my nose with his elbow. So it started bleeding. But it didn't last quite as long. Then when Jeff went to work I watched Paycheck with Jill. I love that movie.

March 4

Last night was the start of FTX. It was fun, but I didn't know enough coming in to be confident. But last night we had to stay the night on the floor of the armory. Not too much fun, but it could have been worse. The only thing was, was I had a bloody nose for like 10 minutes before the whole thing started and our squad leader announced it to the whole platoon.
This morning we got up and went to Sugar Creek, learned land navigation and then did a shooting test. I qualified getting a score of 28 out of 40 which is pretty good for me only learning how to shoot a few months ago. Then we did land navigation for 5 hours. I felt like Cale did all the work and I only found two points out of the seven we found by myslef. But then we did three hours of night land navigation, and I did it with Jeff. He made me do everything so I could learn. So he basically followed me the whole time and made me make all the decisions. We only found two points. But it was a lot more fun. The weather was chilly and it was freexing rain and snowing. But pretty fun.

February 28

Conversation today. Things will work themselves out. I am sure of it. But what was said, is that things will get worse before getting better.

Well, they did, but they are better now. I asked movius a bunch of questions that led to I am in a happy relationship so don't try to ruin it. Well, it worked, but at a cost of possibly loosing a friend. He tries to avoid me now, which is alright I guess, but that was probably the meanest thing I have ever done to anyone. Since I am a nice person, I feel really bad. People say I shouldn't, and they are probably right, but it doesn't help and I still feel bad.

I am sick now. I don't know if I will feel well enough to go to PT tomarrow.