July 31

Alright some pretty horrible things have happened. On the 23rd I went to a Symphony X concert in St. Louis. Okay that isn't the bad thing that happened to me, actually those two days have been the best days of my summer. But after I left St. Louis and went to my orthodontist appointment on Wednesday and came back home, which by the way was about 7 hours of driving in one day, I got a bit dizzy. So, I am sick now with fever and sore throat. But my ex imed me a few days ago and said some really mean things to me, but after a while I got out of him that he lied to me when he said he gave up on our relationship. He still had hope that we would get back together. So when I told him to quit talking to me because I though he had given up hope and I needed time to get over him, he took that as I hated him, so he has been really mean to me ever since. I felt the depression all over again. We will probably never be together again, and it isn't because we don't want to be, because we both wanted it very much. Sucks, doesn't it. Knowing that the person you want to be with wants to be with you but you will never be together. Too many mistakes on both sides. I guess it would have been too much for him to forgive me and take my forgiveness. Too much has happened since, too much misunderstanding, him not listening to what I have to say and me failing to grasp what he is saying. He is so confused and all I ever wanted to do was try to help. But, I have no choice but to move on. I have a very important future ahead of me. Many lives may depend on the choices I make. I better be ready.

July 28

Wow, it has been a while since I have written here. A lot of things have happened. I went to and came back from camp. It was hard but amazing. I will keep it short. Since I have been back, I have done not a whole lot. I met some people. I got rid of some people. And got rid is a harsh word, but I was devastated for like a week afterward.

May 30

Tomarrow is the blue moon!!!!! I am planing, if it doesn't rain, to go out to the lake and watch it rise. I am all packed and ready to go this weekend. I am finally alright with leaving the world I know and love for five weeks. I am a little stressed though. I know I will be worried almost the whole time about something or other.

May 22

Things have been going well. I have been running every night and working out every afternoon. I still have questions about certain situations, and I am interested in knowing what the available options are.

Virgo girl and Aquarius guy works together alright. She is likes order while he likes chaos. She likes helping people be efficient while he encourages rebellion. He is open-minded enough to accept her criticism. His tolerance is a relief to Virgo girl since she is just as critical of herself as she is with the rest of the world. Around him she doesn't feel the need to be so neat, or to be shy in bed. He will coax her into taking risks, like a long-lasting relationship with him.

I will be gone on Friday and Saturday for a good friend's wedding. Be back on Sunday.

May 18

It has been a pretty uneventful week, except for last night.

It went almost exactly like May 5th. Except a bit more intense. But this time he didn't want me to leave, instead of the other way around. I wanna say more, but I don't want the whole world knowing something that I am sure others involved don't want the world to know.

I love this new band, well not new, but new to me. Stream of Passion. Definitely my type of music.

May 13

Yada yada yada, today was lazy. Nothing new.

But I did have this strange, not so great dream last night. I went to war, but it was different. Me and the rest of the rotc people. But certain situations were the same and I got into an argument with someone and I was afraid that I would push them away even further than they already are. I was really scared and I wish I had never said anything. But then I had to go. There was a guy driving some sort of truck thing with a machine gun on the back. There was a driver and a guy to shoot the gun. I was just there in case something happened to one of them. And something did. We drove into a town full of bad guys(the easiest way to put it), and the driver got out. I was so taken back by this, I knew he would die, because it was just us three and a town full of people who hated us. This was placed in America by the way. I knew some of the scenery we were traveling. Dreams...things don't make sense half the time. Anyway, the guy just got out of the truck thing and walked towards some of the town folk who had guns and he didn't, I told the other guy who was the machine gun operator to get into the truck and drive it and I would operate the gun, because I didn't know how to drive. We kinda assumed the old driver would die. But I ended up killing all the guys except one before I ran out of bullets, and I didn't know how to put more in, so I was struggling while the last guy was coming towards the truck and the other guy was still scrambling to get into the thing to drive it. I ended up somehow finally getting it to work and killed the guy. And we drove back to base. It was crazy. But all the while I was worried about the guy who was far away and I didn't know if he would ever want to talk to me again. And I didn't know if I would ever see him again.

I don't know what to think anymore,
I don't know what to say anymore,
I don't know what to do anymore,
I don't know how to act anymore,
When I am with you.

I want to think we are more than friends,
I want to say that I want you,
I want to do things that will make you laugh,
I want to act like I care,
When I am with you.

But I think that I am afraid,
And I say nothing,
And I do my own thing,
And I act like nothing bothers me,
When I am with you.

I am confused.

May 12

Things are going really well. Last night was fun. I ate pizza(soft stuffed crust pizza that I could actually chew) and drank pink lemonade. Mmmm. Then I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith. (that is kind of a funny last sentence...lots of periods) Well, I am feeling much better. I went for a run yesterday. I think it helped out with a lot of things. Although I am a little sore today. But that could also be that I stretched maybe a little too much.

Well, I ran again today. I hope it becomes an everyday sort of thing. I went back to the house today and my roommates and I did some hardcore cleaning. The place looks really nice. And I am staying home this time. Unlike the past week where I have been staying at a friends. But that friend is coming home tonight(been gone for a week), so I don't want to impose even though I don't think he would mind.

Okay, so the later part of the summing up the past few months that I said I would a couple of days ago. Well, I had a lot of hard classes that were really time consuming. I almost never came home before 9pm and I was at school usually before 9am. I had two writing enhanced classes and for a math/cs person that is never good. But I did end up with an A in one of them. But I spent more time doing work for the other one :( Oh, well. I got good grades this semester. Ended up with a B in a class I thought I was going to fail. Who could ask for more? But school about sums up my life. I did go to Georgia for spring break. I was the maid of honor in a very good friend of mine's wedding. It was on a beach and very nice.

Hmm. I have come to a realization, that I usually end up writing here when I am inspired to write a poem. Then I write for days afterwards, and stop for a while until something happens where I write another poem...if you call the phrases that seem to not make any sense, poems. They all just remind me of something that I don't want to forget and the poems remind me even if no one else knows what they mean.

May 11

I have not been feeling myself lately. I have been sleeping a lot and have been dizzy when I am not sleeping. I think it is the medication, but I haven't taken it since last night and it has been 13 hours. I guess I will just have to toughen up and just quit taking it and deal with the pain and eating.

May 10

I had a strange dream last night. It was about someone I haven't seen in a year or so. Strange, dream. Kinda sexy though. I will leave the rest to imagination.

Anyway, last night I stayed up until 2 playing solitaire. It was fun, but I was so tired, and my medicine was kicking in hard. I slept for 9 hours, and my sister woke me up by calling me. I kinda started babbling and she didn't know what I was talking about, and neither did I. But it was kinda funny now that I think about it. I stayed up late talking with a friend. I think it was a pretty productive conversation and I feel much better about our whole situation.

May 9

It has been a long while since I have written here. I guess to catch up on what I have been up to. I just finished my junior year of college. Yay!! Only one more year left to go. I am going to LDAC this summer in Ft. Lewis starting June 5 through July 7. I am pretty excited.

When I first saw you there
I knew I wanted to be close
To you
I moved toward you
Keeping a friend close
Beside me
I waited
It was loud and crazy
People dancing all around
I waited
I waited for you to see me
Then you made a move
Closer to me
Everything was wild
It took minutes
For us to meet up
There was dancing
Being close to each other
And then there was a kiss
A sweet small kiss
Then we parted
Going our separate ways
Maybe we will meet up again sometime

I will write something later that will sum up all that has been going on lately. But I had a lot of fun this semester. I loved all of my classes and met a lot of new great people.

November 29

Today has been good. Something strange did happen though. And lots of old memories came back.

You catch my eye
I know I shouldn't
But it doesn't stop me from
Wishing
Hopeing
Daydreaming
Fantasizing
About what if it did happen
I know two wrongs make a right
In math
And we all know
I am all about math
I like to watch your lips
As they move when you speak
I like showing you how I feel
With my eyes
When they meet yours
Resting just long enough
To show you

November 27

Not a lot has happened recently. I didn't do so well on that test that I previously talked about, but I don't want to dwell on it. I did well on my record pt test. I still just need to get a better time on the run. My scores were: push ups: 44, sit ups: 92, and a 2-mile run time of 17:54. I don't know why my run is so slow, but I will get it back down to the 16's before the end of the year, I am determined. Two more weeks of school then finals. All I have to worry about is passing this semester and next. Then everything is set and no use in worrying because I can't change anything. It will all be set in stone. But good luck to me and I hope I get what I really want.

October 29

I know it has been a few months. But I am doing alright. School is hectic, and rotc is taking a lot out of me. I got to run pt this last week, it was fun and I freeze when I am in front of a lot of people, but I don't think people noticed my mistakes as much as I did. And I couldn't get my stopwatch part of my watch to work, so I was really embarrassed, but people didn't notice, thank god. But all the leading is over for the semester. I lead class, pt, and an flrc lane. I get to register for classes in a few days, and I am trying to make it an easier semester to get my gpa up, so I am not taking any real math classes. Only statistics and automata theory, which is a cs class but it double counts for my math major. Math is hard and linear algebra is going to kill me. We just had a test on friday and out of the ten, I only had time to finish 8 of them, but at least I started the other two, even though I didn't know how to finish one of them. Oh well it will be alright.

July 26

Wow, I haven't written in a while. Well, the 14-16, I went to Colin's to have the swords meeting. It was a lot of fun and nine people were there, so it was more than we had at most practices during the school year. But it was really exciting. I got to use throwing knives! Although I did end up cutting my foot trying to demonstrate slowly a certain technique. I guess going slowly made it slip off the back of my hand. We also got to cut bananas from the tree, and sword fight on a log!

The past few days have been busy. On Monday Jeff and I drove to Kansas City. He had go to Kentucky for air assult, so we had to drive to the airport. It was a sad time and I already miss him. Then yesterday I drove back to Kansas City, because Olga needed to go to Georgia for airborne. But her flight was this morning so we just stayed the night. It was a fun time. I got back early this morning at like 9ish, and have been catching up on everything.

July 9

Yeah, yeah, I know. It has been a month. I have been in Fort Knox Kentucky at military camp(LTC). It has been a lot of fun. I couldn't even beging writing all that happened.

But I will try.
It was a lot of fun, but the beginning was hard. The first night I got into fort knox around 9pm and we had to go through a whole begining intro thing and get our uniform issued to us. Then we changed, went through some stations to see if we were medically and physically qualified. Fun fun(boring), then we got separated into our little squads. I was in 4th platoon 4th squad. We got yelled at a lot to hurry and get into our places. I ended up in the female bay with 40 other females(that is what we had to say, not girls or ladys, it had to be females). I had first fire watch so I got to go to sleep at 3am then got up again at 5. The first three days was horrible. Not used to the standing for about 14hours minus the times we ate. We got all of our equipment and dropped a lot because people were late. After three days we had more of army tactical stuff where we did rapelling, wall climbing, obstacle courses, M16 rifeling(boring: just shoot for three days for like 4 hours, it gets old quick), stream crossing, and land navigation. We had a rifle qualification and I got 42 out of 54 which is pretty good, and the land nav test I got 5 out of 5 points in 2 and a half hours which is really good, and my team won the orienteering contest which was we had a horribly rough terrain to find points out in the woods. We had 6 hours and 15 points. We got 13 of them. So we won iPods. It was fun. Then we did a 6 day FTX where we slept in the field in tents that we had to make out of our poncho's. That was the most fun out of everything. Since the drill sargents weren't there, we had a major and our leutenient and they were nice. It was like spending a lot of quality time with the squad. We got to know each other really well. I did sleep horribly though. I even slept walked one night. The first two days were rope courses were we did wall climbing and a rope course and some othere climbing obstacles, I think those were my favorite days. Then the next two were stx where we went into the woods with paintball guns and had to be ready to come up against the enemy at any moment. And the last two days were survival, where we learned to make traps, make fire, make tents, make water and learned some non poisionus plants that are edible. Then we did a water course. My squad set the zodiac race a new course record. Then the rest of camp was cleaning our M16's. I think I spend about 12 hours on that being conservative. It was basically we got back on a Monday, we stayed up til 2 cleaning, then on tuesday we had off(4th of July) then wednesday, and thursday was cleaning, friday was family day and saturday we graduated. There was a lot more, but I think this is enough for now.

Jun 1

Yesterday I went running with Jeff and Olga. It was kinda fun. You know as much as running can be fun. The I went to columbia. That was a lot of fun. I ended put getting a dress and a skirt and shirt.

On tuesday I got to go out. Not like I can't whenever I want, but there isn't a lot of things to do aroung here. So finding people to do stuff with is exciting. But anyway, we all went to Ryan's and watched The Bourne Supremacy. I know I am being annoying right now, but I read the book, and I don't even know why the called it The Bourne Supremacy. They should have given it a different title just to show how different it was going to be. But I knew this before I watched it, since I refused to watch it for almost two years, just because it was so different. But it really wasn't that bad. I actually liked it. But of course I am really into movies about secret government stuff.

I talked to Amanda last night. She is just as scared as I am about going to LTC. Yeah, I am scared. I am excited too, but I am starting to get nervous and questioning things. Like what if this, and what if that. I shouldn't be concerned, but I can't help it. But I guess I am gonna start packing today, and go get everything I need. I am leaving next sunday.

I am really depressed right now. I know it is early in the morning, but I am already having a bad day. :( I am not even going to say why.

May 29

Did nothing again today. Watched Dark Angel and Fantastic Four, and Sin City. So a lot of Jessica Alba. It is so hot here! At least it is supposed to cool down tonight and for the next week. That is exciting at least. Almost went to columbia today, but things happened and I didn't. Oh, well, maybe tomarrow will be more exciting. I miss my friends from school. There isn't many people here over the summer, and the ones that are, I don't talk to much, which is sad. I guess it is just that they are guys and I don't have many guys' numbers. I only have two more weeks anyway, it will be alright.

May 26

X-Men 3 comes out today!!! I am excited, although I heard some of the main characters died. Three to be exact, but oh well, at least I know beforehand. I road marched yesterday; went only about four miles. Not really a big deal. My sister and I are going to try to go swimming; which means I will get crispy and red. But we might go to the mall tomarrow while jeff does his fighting thing. Other than that not much has been happening.

I took some online quizzes(my new favorite thing to do) and I got some strange results and some contradicting ones. Like I took a harry potter one to see what house I would be put in and well I took two different tests because they are so popular and one said I would be in ravenclaw and the other grifindor. Some of the tests seemed accurate but others were very inaccurate. Like one was
What kind of girl are you? ANS: 69% Athletic Tomboy(NOT TRUE!) but my second place was 63% nerdy girl(definatly true).
others:
What are you gonna be when your older? ANS: 60% Ice Cream Man, 60% President. I hope neither of those are true.
What genre of music should you listen to? ANS: 50% Metal, 38% Rock...I can deal with that.
What kind of sexiness do you have? ANS: 92% Normal average girl next door...haha I could have seen that coming.
What type of person are you in school? ANS: 75% Prep bitch...(am NOT!!!), 60% Teachers Pet...maybe.
What type of weapon would you be?...any guesses??? sword.
What was your high school stereotype? ANS: 50% Geek.
There were others that I don't feel as comfortable putting up...so I won't.

I was thinking today. What is the perfect kisser like? Or the perfect boyfriend? I guess everyone is different, but for me, the perfect kisser would be a lot of things. I guess they would have to know what is right for each of the different moods. When a guy says something flattering the perfect kiss would be soft and gentle. Romantic. Bringing my lips closer and closer to his very slowly. Like time is slowing. And when our lips touch, we take our time to feel the softness of eachothers lips and press them together. from there anything can happen. Whether it is pulling back or starting more demanding kisses that say 'I want you' and 'I want more'. When the mood is more crazy, like when I am running around or trying to get away from being tickled the perfect kiss is a little rougher. When he catches up to me he lets one hand slide around my waist pulling me closer while the other one slides through my hair resting on the back of my neck. He gives me a split second to look into his eyes before pulling me closer and pressing his lips to mine, letting his tongue slide between my lips to press and course along mine. It's very thrilling, leaving me breathless. There are many other moods like the flirtatious one, but this is good enough for now.

May 24

I got a kitty!!! and named it Fedor. It is so adorable. It likes to attack my mouse cursor. I guess since it is a wolf, therefore it is like a half an inch unlike most little arrows, that are smaller. So it attacks my screen, but still adorable. Yesterday I went to Ryans, and we ended up going to Cale's and Shelly's with Sean and helped them take suff out of storage. It was good to see them all again.