I'm diary whoring a bit tonight but seriously.. look!
http://manga.m
Look at the top panel.. the guy has a christmas tree growing from his head! XD XD I just fell off my chair laughing at that! Please say there are other people who find that as hilarious as i do.. if there aren't i fear my brain is a useless mash of mush now.. and i have to stop giggling like a loon.. it shouldn't be this funny! BUT IT IS!! CHRISTMAS TREE... HEAD! *dies* yeah.. i need a moment to stop acting like i'm high or summin <_<
you know what??? I am in LOVE with my TV.. yeah i know it's sad!! XD But i was watching Paul Merton's new improv. show on ITV (which is great i found it sooo funny) And during the advert break an advert came on.. i screamed, grabbed the edge of the sofa and nearly catapulted myself into the living room table.. yes over reaction much BUT it was the advert for the 3rd series of Supernatural and i LOVE that programme more than anything! Seriously.. i guessed what the advert was for withing 2 seconds.. one image.. which was of a house and i was like "SUPERNATURAL!
Anywho i've been very lazy today, got up late again and i've been re-reading the set of Stephanie Meyer novels i got, all three of them start to finish.. and guess what i've been taking it slow and i still finished the second one in 2 days >.< I have an issue. I have no homework and i'm just going to do some art this evening so everything is cool. It's good to have a weekend to be lazy as hell now my exams are out of the way. I need to put in more effort to school so.. cheh.. i will be very busy for the next couple of months. Things get hectic again after next weekend, My birthday is a week today and my dads and i still need to get him a present (=/), then i'm thinking of going to chester possibly the weekend after, i might go on my own.. i feel like having a private unrushed shopping session, i might ask my mum to come with me.. we haven't had a girly day in a while. Then Cal's birthday, half term (school work) and yeah... lots of stuff! XD
So chill out weekend has been good.. i still feel a bit bleh.. eating food makes me feel nauseous at the moment.. and i'm not sure if i'm ill or it's something else.. stress or something.. Anyway i'm making myself eat and just putting up with the result of that being i feel like chucking up alot. I'm also exhausted. I feel like i have no soul, i want to stay in bed all day, it's actually physically difficult for me to get up, i have no will. I also don't feel like going out and doing anything, normally i would have gone to keep fit with my mum on a sunday but i couldn't be bothered. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either really. I just want to get through this year at school and get the results i want in my AS exams. Which makes me think it is stress that's causing me to feel so zombie like. I am enjoying school though, it's an escape from home. Coz at home i feel guilty everytime i'm not studying or doing art coursework, I feel guilty that my mum wants me to better at school than i am doing and i feel angry at myself for failing subjects and letting my dream to go to cambridge slip through my fingers. And i'm confused again about my future. I decided to take a course in Architecture at uni when i go but recently i've re-discovered how much i love reading and writing and i know with certainty that it is the thing that makes me most happy. I want to be an author. But i'm not sure i want to do Lit or Lang at uni, coz i don't want to lose the thing i love becuase i'm stressed out by doing all the time as a job. So i dunno.. i don't want to do architecture and then regret it becuase i don't have time to write and i can't get published. /confused
Why is being a teenager in this damned centuary so difficult?
Damn Beki and her diary entries! XD lol I haven't been online since wednesday so i didn't read it till now and it made me burst into tears! XD lol it's stupid really it was just that she said exactly (pretty much) what i said in my below rant about me (just shorter) and i guess it's stupid but i thought i'd been you know hiding it quite well, how stressed out i was.. i think it's just coz she knows me and knows what goes on in my head. But yeah.. it was mixture of "i'm glad someone knows me that well." and "damn i'm not hiding it well enough.. must try harder to seem unbothered about everything" >.<
I guess it's probably because she reads my ET diary rants and i'm pretty much brutally honest about myself here and how i feel.. everyone needs an outlet.. but i kinda don't expect anyone to read them.. i don't bother to hide the entries becuase i figure there is no one who would read them anyways. I treat it as a completely private diary... but it's not.
O_O haven't written since wednesday.. been too tired and busy and all that anyways time for an update!
Thursday was a pretty aweful day, the first one i've had in a while i think.. i mean it wasn't aweful as in i felt upset or anything like that.. more that i was stupidly tired and because of that i was irritable and angry >.< Which i'm normally good at controlling at school and things but i failed totally.
Basically my mum and brother had a big fight on wednesday night, my brother (15) wanted to go out camping by the river with a couple of his mates and my mum said no. I can undersatnd why, there are chavs around, they would probably be drinking and drink, fire and water in January don't mix. Being a parent she didn't want him to go and for something to happen and for him to have to live with it. Totally understandable
She was really upset becuase all she wanted was for my brother to be happy but she couldn't let him go camping because her heart told her it would be the wrong thing to do and mark wouldn't accept that becuase there was no solid reason only an emotional one. So i was there with my mum in tears and trying to hide it from me attempting to convince her she was doing the right thing and that mark wouldn't walk out. Meantime in my head i kept thinking "I don't know he won't walk out and what do i do if he does?" >.< Anyway then i had to go out to babysit and just hope mark wouldn't be stupid enough to disappear. Luckily he wasn't and everything seemed better when i got in at 11.
I went to bed at 12 but slept really badly, worrying about my brother and my mum and things so i was exhausted when i got up thursday morning. I'm used to being tired though so i was fine in the morning, Mark stayed off school coz he was sick and me and lew went to catch the bus. Which never came, i was fine with that my mum gave us a lift into town on her way to work and we walked to school. I felt fine then too. It was freezing though >.<
Anywho got into school wasn't too bad and then i found out my chem test result, 57% and i knew my mum was going to flip at me and look at me and say something like "Maybe you shouldn't aim so high you're not getting the right grades. Wouldn't it be eaasier just to drop a subject." And i hate that, coz i know i'm finding it difficult but i have never given up on anything in my life, not anything like this anyways and i NEED her to nag at me and tell me i need better grades i don't need her to give up on me becuase i can't achieve what i want with just my own persuasion.
So yeah that got me down a bit and then it all kicked off at break. Beki was off so i went to talk to cross and Aled and Mark. We were messing about as we usually do and mark said something which got to me and sparked me off and suddenly it felt like mark, cross and aled were just being reallt horribly mean and insensitive and i lost it. I swung at all of them and stormed off. I mean i didn't lose my temper as badly as i could have but i was annoyed that i lost it at all.
By the end of break though i'd calmed myself down but then mark and Aled didn't leave me alone in maths they just carried on and i could feel myself getting more upset and angry.
Anyway i spent lunch with Amz and we had fun she calmed me down alot and the rest of the day was fine. I guess i was just tired, stressed out over exams and failing, annoyed that while i feel i'm pushing myself so hard i'm falling appart everyone else seems to be getting time off. I know it's irrational but i swear i haven't had any time to myself all week. It's been school, revision, school, revision. All week. So yeah.
Friday was much better, i had a good day and i had a good nights sleep, went to the gym and cheh. I ache so much now though!!! >.< lol just shows i need to go to the gym more often! XD
hah! Maths exam today was pretty easy, so much easier than the last one i did.. it's sticking in my head!^_^ Hopefully i'll get 80% or more!! Thats what i want anyways just have to wait and see what i get...
anywho in other news i'm out babysitting tonight for some cash, it's only 3 hours but any money is better than no money and i'm going to be doing art all weekend again, i just gotta finish a couple if bits for miss and i can start my AO4. Mr T's deadline isn't so important coz he's just said AO3 by March and i can do that easily, probably be able to finish it too! =D Oh!! And i'm going to Paris for 4 days at easter!! I cannot wait!! seriously i've never been to Paris before and i can't wait to get a look at all the architecture and art there!! It should be awesome, just me, Lew and my parents, Mark's skiing and he hates big cities. We're going on an activity holiday to Greece the Witsun half term (right before exams but oh well) Then Download, Camping with FSC, Cornwall (boarding fest and surfing!), BOA, Caving and by that point i'll be holiday-ed out! XD lol
zomg.. sir made me help him write my report in exchange for hair spray! XD It was amusing.. but at least i stopped him from writing the words "Extrodinary Talent" on it.. i would have stabbed him if he had... >.< lol I'm useless at taking compliments it gets me all flustered! D:
Anywho thats all i have English Lit, Mechanics and Physics which i should be revising for but as you can tell i'm not.. i'll do it tomorrow.. or later.. <_< *cough LIES cough* >_> or not...
XD
I AM A DAILY POET!! :o with a poem i don't remember writing.. i found it on my hard drive though so cheh! XD
meh school was alright today but i'm shattered and i feel ill. Things started fine, i had plenty sleep last night and i was cheery! Then i got to school and i just didn't feel like being social at all, i stood around with my headaphones in not saying much for a while.. chatted a bit and went to form.
Then BLEH!! That womanly thing happened as it does every month or so with the WORST cramps ever and i had no ibuprofen on me at all!!! I couldn't get hold of any pain killers so i had 5 hours of sitting around feeling like crap. =____= So that ruined my day, i went to break but it got worse in chem so i decided there was no way i could be arsed going to the quad and being around people. I felt sick as hell like i was going to be sick and my head was going to explode while i sat in a fire. So i sat in the libary and chatted ti Cerian. After that last 2 lessons and then home.
I'm being really anti-social becuase along with monthly pain comes amazing tiredness and i have a pure maths exam tomorrow i've hardly revised for and after the physics thing i'm feeling very hormonal and like i want to crawl into bed (well i'm in bed so under my duvet) and cry. DAMN HORMONES AND EXAMS!
cheh i got my physics results back.. i got 46% (an E grade) which is better than i thought i'd get and all the maths was right i just made some stupid mistakes and mis-read some questions. So all in all i'm not too upset with it.
I have a mechanics (maths) test on friday which should be fairly easy and i have a physics electricity test then too. Which i really need to revise for. Plus i said i'd babysit for Michelle tomorrow. It's only 3 hours but the kids can be a bit hyper so it'll be hard work but i really need the money. However it does mean my day tomorrow will be: School, Home, Revise, Eat, Work, BED! No free time at all..
I need to get offline and do some maths revision. I'd rather just do the test now and get it over with. I can't wait for half-term. Cal's 18th, my 17th (not that i'm doing much) and 7 days of not giving a crap! Bring it on.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLO
..yush! XD
I phailed my physics test today.. i looked at the paper and i swear it was in another language.. didn't understand even one ONE!!! question... >.< UBER PHAIL! I'm still not sure whether i want to drop it or not though... >3<
Chem was better.. i'm naturally quite good at physics and there was only 1 question i didn't get but then i didn't do any revision so i'm not bothered really! Compared to the loads of revision i did for physics.. no idea why i bothered tbh... waste of time that was =___=
But cheh fingers crossed i get good chem marks..
And if you think i'm exaggerating how hard i found the physics paper.. well put it this way i sat down looked at it and almost burst into tears just from the first question.. and people who know me well will know i hardly ever cry in public.. so cheh... it sucked.. and usually i'd shrug it off and go "oh well" but i really wanted to do well.. i put in loads of effort >.< you might have noticed this is getting to me.. grrr...
Anywho appart from that it was a good day! I got a really decent nights sleep and had fun at school.. maths was boring but english wasn't to bad and art was fun! XD I was talking to rach and i was drawing a picture.. LOL i coloured her top in (the top of the thing i was drawing.. t'was a female.) and i was absentmindedly blending the shading with my finger when rach asked me what i was doing..
I looked down and realised i was rubbing the breasts on the picture! XD It looked so wrong... i pissed myself laughing!
And at lunch i went to town with Josh and Ryan, Josh seemed happier today! *nods* and Ryan was really chatty! It was odd coz i don't hang out with either of them all that much! XD So cheh.. i got some lunch in boots and some pens coz i left mine at home >.< and that was it i put my money in the bank too so i can't waste it on crap!
I'M STARVING!!! lol my mum's out getting shoes for my brother (mark) and i want dinner >.< it won't be for another hour at least.. *pout* ahh well i can just wait.. i'm eating too much at the moment anyways and i should really check my msn.. it's flashing at me! XD
tarrah!
xxx
lolz Amz's rawked! First piss up i've had in ages.. but i was MEGA tired.. 2 nights of not sleeping were catching up with me! XD Anyways went to Amz's we had some chicken and chips and ribs and i was drinking teh JD while Beki and Amz were on the wine.. we hung about in her room (which is AWEZOME!) and watched clockwork orange and messed about on webcam.. that sorta thing..
Then we went to the park (at 11pm) which was fun.. amz was spinning me on the small round about and it made me so dizzy i had no idea which way was up and which way was down or what was going on O_O! XD At one point i put my head back and the G-Force meant it got stuck there! XD lol it was so funny! I love the park near Amz's! Anywho Topher phoned and he was at a pub nearby so we went back to Amz's (i had a killer headache-migra
lol it was brilliant! We hung around at the pub till about 1am (i have no idea why..) Then we just fallowed as everyone walked off.. i had no idea what was going on! XD Just seemed like a really good idea! I got talking to this girl and it turned out she was from my school (year above me) and she knew me! XD
Lol Amz kept trying to kill me and everytime she did a police car happened to drive by.. wqe got stopped about 3 times.. i was just standing around thinking "shit i'm going to get arrested" Coz i was holding a bottle of JD or some over alcohol at least 2 of the times and i'm not exactly over the legal drinking age!
But i didn't get arrested and we decided to go to tesco's which was 2 and a half miles away.. took us ages to get there and then when we got there we had nothing to do and i sliced my finger on the piece of glass i had in my pocket (incase we got attacked or something like that! o_o). But it wasn't badly cut so i just grabbed some loo roll and wrapped it around the cut!
It was freezing outside though so me and beki took a bunch of the free mags and shoved them down our tops as insulation! It worked quite well! We walked really fast on the way back coz we were both shattered from sleep deprivition and it was FREEEZING!!! We made it back to buckley by 5am (only took us about 45 mins) but Amz was miles behind us! So we sat around by the sports centre for a while and then went back into the town center to wait for Amz.
And guess what? We both sat down in a bush to keep warm and fell asleep for half an hour! XD XD XD XD XD yeah!
Anyway we met back up with Amy and were back at hers for about 6am completely shattered! Me and Beki shared her bed which was amazingly comfortable but i felt rough as hell, i was so cold and tired that it took me 3 hours to stop shivering and i couldn't sleep properly. Plus i felt sick as hell, like someone was ripping my brain out and stabbing me in the stomach.
I was meant to be waking everyone up at 10 but i turned my alarm off by accident >.< So we woke up at 12 >.< which meant Beki missed her hair appointment.
Anywho it was good fun! I haven't had that much fun for a while!
X3
oh and i have decided on what i'm giving up for lent.. chocolate and alcohol! wish me luck!! (when is lent anyways?)
lol i'm retarded.. previous entry:
"I went and got my hair cut.. it's longer now!"
.. to a normal person that sounds like i had it cut so it was longer.. in reality i had it cut COZ it's longer and cutting it helps it grow..
so cheh... me = n00b.
Guess what??
...
I went and got my hair cut.. again! =D Tis longer now.. i'm growing it.. GROW DAMIT GROW!! *pokes hair* It doesn't listen to me! ;_;
On the plus side.. i got AO1 and AO2 for Mr T completely done.. AO3.. <_< well.. i know what i'm doing for A04 so i'll do AO3 laterz probs. Oh yeah and i sorted my sleeping patterns.. after several nights of only 3 - 4 hours sleep.. and feeling like crap! I thought i better sort it out before i go back to school.
I'm all achey from the gym yesterday though >3<
AHHHH! They've announced the groupings for the RP competition and i'm in Group I!!!! =/ I'm really pleased i got this far but i'm mega nervous about the next round.. it's been about 6 months since i last RPed and although i've been writing alot i'm not sure i'm as good as i was! Wish me luck!! I'll need it to get past the next round!!!
Ahh yes! It is the first! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
now on to business... well business as far as i'm concerned!! Which is basically my addiction to a set of books by Stephanie Meyer! It's a vampire/romanc
So cheh! it does mean i'm broke now.. completely but i am determined to get a job by the end of January and my mum hasn't given me my allowence yet.. plus it's my birthday on Jan 27th... although i really can't be arsed much with that.. Dunno why.. i'm just getting really focused now.. and a birthday seems like alot of hassle.. but i'll probs. go out for a meal with a couple of friends, maybe weatherspoons in town. Have a proper celebration in the Feb half term, i have no time for anything like that at the moment, got to focus on school and getting 5 As at AS >.< I'm bloody determined now.
But yeah back on topic i should be getting more money which i will be saving to spend on DL and BOA tickets in the summer! yay! And a much needed shopping trip! I want loads of stuff.. so cheh! And i heard my mum on the phone to my gran i think.. and from what i heard i think she might be funding my driving lessons! X3 (my gran i mean) which would be AWESOME! I just have to send off for my provisional liscense now.. the form's filled out! It'll be good to drive. More freedom and i always feel bad at asking my parents to ferry me all over the place, especially as my best mate doesn't live that close, it's quite out of the way. But if i can drive that will make things easier! Much easier!
So cheh i think thats it for now! XD New Year's Eve was good.. i'm being an arse about answering my messages i know.. but i don't have much.. i dunno... motivation i guess.. i just feel kinda excited about somethings and completely drained about others.. i'm excited about driving.. but my birthday seems a drag, i'm excited about school... but art and homework is just a horrible thought at the moment.. yet i'm here online instead of working.. well shortly i'm going to rememdy that by getting to work on physics notes for the mocks. *sigh*
lolololololol!
i typoed Rawr when talking to cross guess what i sent instead??? I sent twat.. i mean WTF?? how do i mistype rawr to make twat.. good job we were friends.. he just said "keyboard tourettes??" So i said yeah typo.. and he told me i must be some kind of special to make a typo like that.. i agree! XD lol That got me laughing to myself like a loon..
Then lewis came in.. and made me jump which involved me putting my hands in the air and going BAAAAGAAAH!! Then he forgot what a "window" was and hugged my head... o_o younger brothers.. XD After that he made me throw cheese across the room and went to bed!
Oh yeah and whiskey is the best cold cure ever!!! Works wonders!! New year's eve today! Last day of 2007 ;___; ah well.. i have good memories and i'm ready to see the year in with Beki! Traditional style! Like we have done every year.. since we met i think :o talk about our traditions! =D
Also my sleeping patterns are fucked.. i'm wide awake and it's 1am.. so i might just stay up all night! =D
That is all.
Went to Chester yesterday and Cheshire Oaks today! X3 It was fuun! But i've spent all my money ;__; ahh well! XD Chester was busy as hell yesterday.. we only stayed 2 hours though and i spent most of the time in waterstones which wasn't very crowded. If i had been forced round alot of busy shops i would have lost it!! I don't like crowds much.. i like having space to mooch.. whenever there are crowds there's like a mad hectic rush WHY?!?! Why can't people just chill out???
Bleh anyways Cheshire oaks today was quieter, I got some face wipes, New headphones (chewed through my old ones) they were on offer and they're green! X3 Then i spent my x-mas money in Boarders.. at first there was nothing i wanted but then i found this manga series called X-Kai about a flower shop owner who works at night as an assassin and thought what the heck! So i got the first 2 volumes of that and then i found the Nightmare before Christmas on special addition DVD for £6 so i got that too!
I'm going to be busy these holidays! I have 4 new books, 2 new manga and my x-mas prezzies! The books i got were:
Heart-shaped Box - Joe Hill
The Magicians Guild - Trudi Canavan
Twilight and New Moon both by Stephenie Meyer! Can't wait to read them all and i found out that Janny Wurts has 8 volumes of the light and dark wars.. which i now need to get, my mum has volumes 1 and 2 which i found and read 5 years ago when we moved house. They were kinda tattered and i assumed that they were old books but apparently i am mistaken and she's still writing them! I reconmend them to anyone that likes fantasy! They should make it into a movie.. i mean there are 2 half brothers, one an orlando bloom/legolas type blond regal guy and the other a moody, dark eyed, dark, curly, long-haired pirate prince.. i mean come on!!! So cheh... <_< >_> stories good too not just the guys! XP
Oh and me and Beki saw St Trinian's today, it was hilarious!!! Best comedy i've seen in a while and Russel Brand looked FIT!! XD
Anyways i have a cold... well no i have a sore throat, earache and my chest aches coz of this cough! It's horrible.. plus last 3 or 4 nights i've had 4 hours sleep and i went to the gym today! My left arm is really stiff while i'm typing this! But i'm proud.. i was using the butt/leg weight machine and i managed to pull 190Kg! XD That means i can lift almost 4 times my body weight with my arse =___= LOL! But yeah i'm going to get a fairly early night and get a head start on school work tomorrow. Wow my arm is feeling odd... i got tingling in my palm, pain in my shoulder and a weird stabbing in my elbow o_o
I have done nothing today! =D The rellys were over so it was a lazy day.. which is goood!
We were talking about drugs after dinner:
My gran: Drugs are bad! People on drugs do horrible things, they kill old women!
Me and my aunty: pissed ourselves laughing! XD
So cheh! XD That about sums it up! Chester tomorrow to spend my gift vouchers for waterstones! X3 i have about £30 so it should be fun!
I haven't written in a while i'll explain why and do catch up later but first i need to have one of those emotional and hormonal rambles i sometimes have.. So cheh.. here goes!
I've been fine all day but at dinner we were talking about christmas eve and what we're going to do.. normally we have some event or something we do as a family but no one was that bothered about doing anything this year. That for me means insane boredom >.< Then of course that got me thinking.. it sorta started off okay but since then there's been all this nervous energy building up inside me, all this worried energy. I can say that there definately will be little sleep for me tonight.. i'm too.. pent up i guess is the right word! There will of course be people saying FREAK!!! why are you nervous and worried.. it's christmas, happy family time, presents and all that.. but i guess i've only just had a chance to stop and think what this christmas means to me. And it's so complex and important and i feel like in some ways i'm using this christmas to reassure me that i haven't changed beyond recognition in the last year. I guess now is the time to look back and this is the post that is going to sum up everything for me coz i feel as if christmas is the end of the year and between x-mas and new year is the "cocoon" stage where you prepare for the new you. Anyway lets start at the easy bit and work onto the more complex stuff. I'm nervous about x-mas because this year i've made sure to do lots of christmassy stuff, seeing santa and going to the x-mas fair, taking part in decorating with the family, x-mas shopping and parties with my friends. It's i guess my way of facing the facts that i am never going to be a kid again, something this year has made really clear. Anyway i'm nervous that after all the preparation and all the build up that i've worked it all up to be something magical that it won't end up being. That i'll be let down by it all and i don't want that to happen coz in a way it'll be me saying bye to my childhood and i want it to end in happiness not disappointment
Ontop of that after christmas i have to put aside my social habits and face 2 facts 1)I need to knuckle down at school, i have mocks in Jan and most of the holidays will be spent revising and doing art work. 2)I need a job. Those two things together equal very little free time for me, less time with friends and having fun. So cheh.. i'm worried about growing up, loosing my friends, not achieveing the targets i've set myself, finding i don't like the person i've become and most of all i'm afraid that i'm never going to be a "kid" again. I'm afraid of facing the real world and i'm afraid of loosing. I'd say thats my biggest fear, of not succeeing, not getting into uni, getting a decent job.. you get the idea. >.<
Anywho enough of that i have to face the fact i am no longer innocent, i'm no longer a child and this next year may be one of the hardest in my life so far... infact i can almost garentee it will be. I have that "cocoon" period to come to terms with that! Now to an actually useful part of my diary entry, whats been going on in my life recently:
well quite a bit actually.. i already tried twice to do a detailed account but as the laptop (bob) deleted it twice i'm going to go for a short account of what i've been up to.
Tuesday - Thursday = BANGOR!! Amazing fun, the engineering, people, problem solving and parties!! I had a fantastic time, all the people in my group were awesome we got on well even with our teacher.. so cheh RAWKED!! X3 I'm so glad i decided to take part despite the extra work!
Friday - Dentist (I have to have a small filling and i'm getting some cosmetic work done!), Gym (YES! i really needed a good workout!) and Ruth's for a kiddies party and then an older people's christmas meal! T'was good, Lucy got me a goblet made of metal! (she was my secret santa) So i had alot of fun..
Saturday - mostly slept.. i was exhausted..
Sunday - The rellies run, had to go see my aunty and grandparents to drop off and pic up x-mas prezzies it was good fun!! I watched Noel's Christmas Presents and man did i cry.. o.o it was embarressing but some of the stories really got to me! After that was Top Gear.. last in the series ;_; WAAAA! I don't know what i'll do without my top gear fix.. except watch the re runs on Dave! Thank god for that channel! So yeah.. not a bad day appart from the emotional mania! XD