Yes diary... finally it must have been about a week o_o

and you know what? No real change.. there's going to be no ramble or real update. Just a reason, a reason that may or may not explain why i'm not going to be writing much.. not sure for how long, could be a week could be a year.

The reason is:
I have no motivation... i get up.. i go to school. I feel tired and sick ALL the time. I find it difficult to get up on weekends. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to go out and i sure as hell don't want to talk about it.

There you go. I may be on from time to time but don't expect anything. Most likely i'll come online for 2 seconds.. then go RP. Treat this as my ET "sick note".

/even less will to live.

Soooo tired... addicted to manga.. after this chapter i'm going to bed. Coz i am so tired it feels like i'm not really here anymore.. bleh i'm messed up and confused too.. i'd like to have a face to face talk with someone.. well a guy really, a guy i'm just friends with but i don't know anyone who i'd be prepared to open up to enough to talk about stuff. Stuff i need a guy to hear and give me an opinion on.. >.< Bleh so much crap in my head.. and failing school... and i'm just going to go die now...

/no will to live

I got over last night's hyperness.. mostly.. school was fine but boring.. didn't do that well on my pure maths or electricity physics.. =___= I'm beginning to think i'm destined to fail them all. I saw my physics teacher and i'm going to see her thursday lunch for some extra help. Plus my mum got me a physics revision guide so i'm going to read through that and see how much correcting i can do on my own (test wise) I should have my test somewhere.. =/ I'm going to read through all the topics we've covered so far and see if it helps.
So cheh.. busy though i'm shattered and it's only monday. >.< I can't believe i have 4 more days to go before a break again. *sigh* I'm in bed now.. i got lazy.. plus no homework yet so i should have some time to look at physics and art after dinner!! Thats all for the moment i think.. i feel so drained... ;_;

Finally!! I can go to bed!! *dances* I reached the end of a chapter of lovely Complex that isn't a cliff hanger.. wish i could stay up all night reading it.. but i'll flunk out if i do so i'm being good and taking my mad self to bed now!! tarrah!

*waves* sleep well everyone! :3

Lovely Complex reminds me of me and Mike Holmes (friend since the start of high school). I'm the short dwarf and he's the tall giant.. i'm the chatty, bubbly, crap-talking, easily flustered one and he's the tall silent guy who just grins and smacks me and walks off.. >.< lol XD XD Bless him.. such and odd pair we make! XD

Oh dear.. i have no idea whats come over me.. i just went:

"He's Gay" in a really deep muppet voice >.< why???? I think i need to go to bed before i kill myself laughing!!! XD XD

I just have to link this page of Lovely Complex (my new manga fix) The 2nd to last panel made me chuckle.

http://manga.mangavolume.com/Manga/Lovely%20Complex/Lovely%20Complex%20007b/LC-v02-c7b-(05).jpg

"It talks" XD XD

gah it won't link *cries*



hah that worked!!!

ARHH!!!! It happened again...

Online members suddenly changed into Orgy Memebers.. >.< Brain... you scare me sometimes.. *pokes with stick*

GROPEY HAND POINTERMON GO!!!! I felt i had to say that.. i would normally be heading to bed now.. but seeming as i went to bed at 11:30 last night and got up at 6am (i know.. talk about fucked up sleep patterns) I think i'll leave it a bit later.. i'd be sunk if i got up at 6 tomorrow.. i mean what would i do??? I can't shower till 7.. so i'd just be sulking around like a moron... >3<

I love my computer!! I know have a pointer that strokes the screen AND gropes links! XD It just groped the no new news link.... PMSL!!!!

1 more thing.. who the hell was it who told me i'd had too many chill pills the other day?? I think it was matt.. when i was acting like a loon in physics! XD Lol i just remembered now and it made me laugh... i was like this but in physics so instead of spamming a diary i was spamming to him.. bless him.. he's still my friend even though i spout crap at him every lesson.. XD XD XD

...

STROKE STROKE

...

that never gets old!

I'm not writing in here again with pointless stuff that amuses me <_< >_>

...

okay so i am.. BUuut.. <_<

Anywho my mouse pointer has turned into a hand out of nowhere and whenever i click anywhere where there isn't a link it strokes the screen.. *dies* =3 it amuses me.. *stroke stroke* ... *falls of chair* STROKE!!!!

I'm diary whoring a bit tonight but seriously.. look!

http://manga.mangavolume.com/Manga/Lovely%20Complex/Lovely%20Complex%20006a/Lovely_Complex_vol02_ch6a_pg01.jpg

Look at the top panel.. the guy has a christmas tree growing from his head! XD XD I just fell off my chair laughing at that! Please say there are other people who find that as hilarious as i do.. if there aren't i fear my brain is a useless mash of mush now.. and i have to stop giggling like a loon.. it shouldn't be this funny! BUT IT IS!! CHRISTMAS TREE... HEAD! *dies* yeah.. i need a moment to stop acting like i'm high or summin <_<

LOL!

you know what??? I am in LOVE with my TV.. yeah i know it's sad!! XD But i was watching Paul Merton's new improv. show on ITV (which is great i found it sooo funny) And during the advert break an advert came on.. i screamed, grabbed the edge of the sofa and nearly catapulted myself into the living room table.. yes over reaction much BUT it was the advert for the 3rd series of Supernatural and i LOVE that programme more than anything! Seriously.. i guessed what the advert was for withing 2 seconds.. one image.. which was of a house and i was like "SUPERNATURAL!" *dies* yeah.. i have an addiction! XD But cheh.. it starts in a week.. so now there's Tourchwood (<3), Primeval, Thank God You're Here, Never Mind the Buzzcocks (new series started a couple of weeks back and i've missed it so much.. me and my dad both find it hilarious) and Supernatural.. i am going to be a TV whore now. It's so good after a month of all the programmes i was addicted to ending just before christmas (Heroes, Bones, Top gear etc. etc.). finally i have a whole new set of programmes to watch and rave about! And Tourchwood and Supernatural are 2 of my very favortite programmes ever.. so cheh.. <_< /rant >_>

Anywho i've been very lazy today, got up late again and i've been re-reading the set of Stephanie Meyer novels i got, all three of them start to finish.. and guess what i've been taking it slow and i still finished the second one in 2 days >.< I have an issue. I have no homework and i'm just going to do some art this evening so everything is cool. It's good to have a weekend to be lazy as hell now my exams are out of the way. I need to put in more effort to school so.. cheh.. i will be very busy for the next couple of months. Things get hectic again after next weekend, My birthday is a week today and my dads and i still need to get him a present (=/), then i'm thinking of going to chester possibly the weekend after, i might go on my own.. i feel like having a private unrushed shopping session, i might ask my mum to come with me.. we haven't had a girly day in a while. Then Cal's birthday, half term (school work) and yeah... lots of stuff! XD

So chill out weekend has been good.. i still feel a bit bleh.. eating food makes me feel nauseous at the moment.. and i'm not sure if i'm ill or it's something else.. stress or something.. Anyway i'm making myself eat and just putting up with the result of that being i feel like chucking up alot. I'm also exhausted. I feel like i have no soul, i want to stay in bed all day, it's actually physically difficult for me to get up, i have no will. I also don't feel like going out and doing anything, normally i would have gone to keep fit with my mum on a sunday but i couldn't be bothered. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either really. I just want to get through this year at school and get the results i want in my AS exams. Which makes me think it is stress that's causing me to feel so zombie like. I am enjoying school though, it's an escape from home. Coz at home i feel guilty everytime i'm not studying or doing art coursework, I feel guilty that my mum wants me to better at school than i am doing and i feel angry at myself for failing subjects and letting my dream to go to cambridge slip through my fingers. And i'm confused again about my future. I decided to take a course in Architecture at uni when i go but recently i've re-discovered how much i love reading and writing and i know with certainty that it is the thing that makes me most happy. I want to be an author. But i'm not sure i want to do Lit or Lang at uni, coz i don't want to lose the thing i love becuase i'm stressed out by doing all the time as a job. So i dunno.. i don't want to do architecture and then regret it becuase i don't have time to write and i can't get published. /confused
Why is being a teenager in this damned centuary so difficult?

Damn Beki and her diary entries! XD lol I haven't been online since wednesday so i didn't read it till now and it made me burst into tears! XD lol it's stupid really it was just that she said exactly (pretty much) what i said in my below rant about me (just shorter) and i guess it's stupid but i thought i'd been you know hiding it quite well, how stressed out i was.. i think it's just coz she knows me and knows what goes on in my head. But yeah.. it was mixture of "i'm glad someone knows me that well." and "damn i'm not hiding it well enough.. must try harder to seem unbothered about everything" >.<
I guess it's probably because she reads my ET diary rants and i'm pretty much brutally honest about myself here and how i feel.. everyone needs an outlet.. but i kinda don't expect anyone to read them.. i don't bother to hide the entries becuase i figure there is no one who would read them anyways. I treat it as a completely private diary... but it's not.

O_O haven't written since wednesday.. been too tired and busy and all that anyways time for an update!

Thursday was a pretty aweful day, the first one i've had in a while i think.. i mean it wasn't aweful as in i felt upset or anything like that.. more that i was stupidly tired and because of that i was irritable and angry >.< Which i'm normally good at controlling at school and things but i failed totally.
Basically my mum and brother had a big fight on wednesday night, my brother (15) wanted to go out camping by the river with a couple of his mates and my mum said no. I can undersatnd why, there are chavs around, they would probably be drinking and drink, fire and water in January don't mix. Being a parent she didn't want him to go and for something to happen and for him to have to live with it. Totally understandable. Only my brother has a temper and he knows that coz my dad's away and my mum feels vaunerable that he stands more of a chance of getting his way by arguing and taking below the belt shots at my mum. Things like threatening to walk out, drop out of school, go anyway and all that. My mum said no but she was really upset about it and as my dad was away working it turned in my job to be the second parent.
She was really upset becuase all she wanted was for my brother to be happy but she couldn't let him go camping because her heart told her it would be the wrong thing to do and mark wouldn't accept that becuase there was no solid reason only an emotional one. So i was there with my mum in tears and trying to hide it from me attempting to convince her she was doing the right thing and that mark wouldn't walk out. Meantime in my head i kept thinking "I don't know he won't walk out and what do i do if he does?" >.< Anyway then i had to go out to babysit and just hope mark wouldn't be stupid enough to disappear. Luckily he wasn't and everything seemed better when i got in at 11.
I went to bed at 12 but slept really badly, worrying about my brother and my mum and things so i was exhausted when i got up thursday morning. I'm used to being tired though so i was fine in the morning, Mark stayed off school coz he was sick and me and lew went to catch the bus. Which never came, i was fine with that my mum gave us a lift into town on her way to work and we walked to school. I felt fine then too. It was freezing though >.<
Anywho got into school wasn't too bad and then i found out my chem test result, 57% and i knew my mum was going to flip at me and look at me and say something like "Maybe you shouldn't aim so high you're not getting the right grades. Wouldn't it be eaasier just to drop a subject." And i hate that, coz i know i'm finding it difficult but i have never given up on anything in my life, not anything like this anyways and i NEED her to nag at me and tell me i need better grades i don't need her to give up on me becuase i can't achieve what i want with just my own persuasion.
So yeah that got me down a bit and then it all kicked off at break. Beki was off so i went to talk to cross and Aled and Mark. We were messing about as we usually do and mark said something which got to me and sparked me off and suddenly it felt like mark, cross and aled were just being reallt horribly mean and insensitive and i lost it. I swung at all of them and stormed off. I mean i didn't lose my temper as badly as i could have but i was annoyed that i lost it at all.
By the end of break though i'd calmed myself down but then mark and Aled didn't leave me alone in maths they just carried on and i could feel myself getting more upset and angry.
Anyway i spent lunch with Amz and we had fun she calmed me down alot and the rest of the day was fine. I guess i was just tired, stressed out over exams and failing, annoyed that while i feel i'm pushing myself so hard i'm falling appart everyone else seems to be getting time off. I know it's irrational but i swear i haven't had any time to myself all week. It's been school, revision, school, revision. All week. So yeah.
Friday was much better, i had a good day and i had a good nights sleep, went to the gym and cheh. I ache so much now though!!! >.< lol just shows i need to go to the gym more often! XD

hah! Maths exam today was pretty easy, so much easier than the last one i did.. it's sticking in my head!^_^ Hopefully i'll get 80% or more!! Thats what i want anyways just have to wait and see what i get...

anywho in other news i'm out babysitting tonight for some cash, it's only 3 hours but any money is better than no money and i'm going to be doing art all weekend again, i just gotta finish a couple if bits for miss and i can start my AO4. Mr T's deadline isn't so important coz he's just said AO3 by March and i can do that easily, probably be able to finish it too! =D Oh!! And i'm going to Paris for 4 days at easter!! I cannot wait!! seriously i've never been to Paris before and i can't wait to get a look at all the architecture and art there!! It should be awesome, just me, Lew and my parents, Mark's skiing and he hates big cities. We're going on an activity holiday to Greece the Witsun half term (right before exams but oh well) Then Download, Camping with FSC, Cornwall (boarding fest and surfing!), BOA, Caving and by that point i'll be holiday-ed out! XD lol

zomg.. sir made me help him write my report in exchange for hair spray! XD It was amusing.. but at least i stopped him from writing the words "Extrodinary Talent" on it.. i would have stabbed him if he had... >.< lol I'm useless at taking compliments it gets me all flustered! D:

Anywho thats all i have English Lit, Mechanics and Physics which i should be revising for but as you can tell i'm not.. i'll do it tomorrow.. or later.. <_< *cough LIES cough* >_> or not...

XD 

I AM A DAILY POET!! :o with a poem i don't remember writing.. i found it on my hard drive though so cheh! XD

meh school was alright today but i'm shattered and i feel ill. Things started fine, i had plenty sleep last night and i was cheery! Then i got to school and i just didn't feel like being social at all, i stood around with my headaphones in not saying much for a while.. chatted a bit and went to form.
Then BLEH!! That womanly thing happened as it does every month or so with the WORST cramps ever and i had no ibuprofen on me at all!!! I couldn't get hold of any pain killers so i had 5 hours of sitting around feeling like crap. =____= So that ruined my day, i went to break but it got worse in chem so i decided there was no way i could be arsed going to the quad and being around people. I felt sick as hell like i was going to be sick and my head was going to explode while i sat in a fire. So i sat in the libary and chatted ti Cerian. After that last 2 lessons and then home.
I'm being really anti-social becuase along with monthly pain comes amazing tiredness and i have a pure maths exam tomorrow i've hardly revised for and after the physics thing i'm feeling very hormonal and like i want to crawl into bed (well i'm in bed so under my duvet) and cry. DAMN HORMONES AND EXAMS!
cheh i got my physics results back.. i got 46% (an E grade) which is better than i thought i'd get and all the maths was right i just made some stupid mistakes and mis-read some questions. So all in all i'm not too upset with it.
I have a mechanics (maths) test on friday which should be fairly easy and i have a physics electricity test then too. Which i really need to revise for. Plus i said i'd babysit for Michelle tomorrow. It's only 3 hours but the kids can be a bit hyper so it'll be hard work but i really need the money. However it does mean my day tomorrow will be: School, Home, Revise, Eat, Work, BED! No free time at all..
I need to get offline and do some maths revision. I'd rather just do the test now and get it over with. I can't wait for half-term. Cal's 18th, my 17th (not that i'm doing much) and 7 days of not giving a crap! Bring it on.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

..yush! XD

I phailed my physics test today.. i looked at the paper and i swear it was in another language.. didn't understand even one ONE!!! question... >.< UBER PHAIL! I'm still not sure whether i want to drop it or not though... >3<

Chem was better.. i'm naturally quite good at physics and there was only 1 question i didn't get but then i didn't do any revision so i'm not bothered really! Compared to the loads of revision i did for physics.. no idea why i bothered tbh... waste of time that was =___=
But cheh fingers crossed i get good chem marks..

And if you think i'm exaggerating how hard i found the physics paper.. well put it this way i sat down looked at it and almost burst into tears just from the first question.. and people who know me well will know i hardly ever cry in public.. so cheh... it sucked.. and usually i'd shrug it off and go "oh well" but i really wanted to do well.. i put in loads of effort >.< you might have noticed this is getting to me.. grrr...

Anywho appart from that it was a good day! I got a really decent nights sleep and had fun at school.. maths was boring but english wasn't to bad and art was fun! XD I was talking to rach and i was drawing a picture.. LOL i coloured her top in (the top of the thing i was drawing.. t'was a female.) and i was absentmindedly blending the shading with my finger when rach asked me what i was doing..
I looked down and realised i was rubbing the breasts on the picture! XD It looked so wrong... i pissed myself laughing!
And at lunch i went to town with Josh and Ryan, Josh seemed happier today! *nods* and Ryan was really chatty! It was odd coz i don't hang out with either of them all that much! XD So cheh.. i got some lunch in boots and some pens coz i left mine at home >.< and that was it i put my money in the bank too so i can't waste it on crap!

I'M STARVING!!! lol my mum's out getting shoes for my brother (mark) and i want dinner >.< it won't be for another hour at least.. *pout* ahh well i can just wait.. i'm eating too much at the moment anyways and i should really check my msn.. it's flashing at me! XD

tarrah!
xxx

lolz Amz's rawked! First piss up i've had in ages.. but i was MEGA tired.. 2 nights of not sleeping were catching up with me! XD Anyways went to Amz's we had some chicken and chips and ribs and i was drinking teh JD while Beki and Amz were on the wine.. we hung about in her room (which is AWEZOME!) and watched clockwork orange and messed about on webcam.. that sorta thing..
Then we went to the park (at 11pm) which was fun.. amz was spinning me on the small round about and it made me so dizzy i had no idea which way was up and which way was down or what was going on O_O! XD At one point i put my head back and the G-Force meant it got stuck there! XD lol it was so funny! I love the park near Amz's! Anywho Topher phoned and he was at a pub nearby so we went back to Amz's (i had a killer headache-migrane thing >.<) Grabbed some nuraphen and went to meet up with Topher and his mates.
lol it was brilliant! We hung around at the pub till about 1am (i have no idea why..) Then we just fallowed as everyone walked off.. i had no idea what was going on! XD Just seemed like a really good idea! I got talking to this girl and it turned out she was from my school (year above me) and she knew me! XD
Lol Amz kept trying to kill me and everytime she did a police car happened to drive by.. wqe got stopped about 3 times.. i was just standing around thinking "shit i'm going to get arrested" Coz i was holding a bottle of JD or some over alcohol at least 2 of the times and i'm not exactly over the legal drinking age!
But i didn't get arrested and we decided to go to tesco's which was 2 and a half miles away.. took us ages to get there and then when we got there we had nothing to do and i sliced my finger on the piece of glass i had in my pocket (incase we got attacked or something like that! o_o). But it wasn't badly cut so i just grabbed some loo roll and wrapped it around the cut!
It was freezing outside though so me and beki took a bunch of the free mags and shoved them down our tops as insulation! It worked quite well! We walked really fast on the way back coz we were both shattered from sleep deprivition and it was FREEEZING!!! We made it back to buckley by 5am (only took us about 45 mins) but Amz was miles behind us! So we sat around by the sports centre for a while and then went back into the town center to wait for Amz.
And guess what? We both sat down in a bush to keep warm and fell asleep for half an hour! XD XD XD XD XD yeah!
Anyway we met back up with Amy and were back at hers for about 6am completely shattered! Me and Beki shared her bed which was amazingly comfortable but i felt rough as hell, i was so cold and tired that it took me 3 hours to stop shivering and i couldn't sleep properly. Plus i felt sick as hell, like someone was ripping my brain out and stabbing me in the stomach.
I was meant to be waking everyone up at 10 but i turned my alarm off by accident >.< So we woke up at 12 >.< which meant Beki missed her hair appointment.
Anywho it was good fun! I haven't had that much fun for a while!
X3

oh and i have decided on what i'm giving up for lent.. chocolate and alcohol! wish me luck!! (when is lent anyways?)