oh gosh.. i'm mega awesome supper tired.. not sure which i find more wearing, juggling five subjects and no social life or 4 subjects and a social life.. it's really close.. XD
Yeah i dropped physics. I decided over the weekend partly becuase of beki (thank you for that! I need something to force me to sort out my priorities.. just didn't expect that kinda thing! =P lol) and partly becuase of saturday and how good it felt to have fun with friends again. And believe me it's been a long time since i last let go of my stress and went and hung out with mates without getting drink involved. I know i hung out with Beki and Amz on my birthday a week and a bit ago but i got quite pissed to stop myself stressing over having fun and that is not right at all. So cheh, i feel less stressed out now i have one free a day to do homework and more free time. ^_^

Still it's not been a complete release, there is always the part of me that hates myself for giving up no matter how much pain it was causing me to carry on forcing myself to the point of exhaustion each week. Yesterday was really good i was really really happy becuase i made a decision and i hung out with my friends and i talked to beki and went to bed thinking life is great. Today it's wearing off.. I think i must have slept really badly last night, i woke up.. not tired exactly but really light headed.. i have no idea how i managed to get up and turn my alarm off i felt like i was floating and i was really dizzy. Then i showered and i was starving.. i had breakfast but five minutes later i was hungry again.. now.. well i sat down on the sofa and i really struggled to get up again and now i have got up i'm sitting around in a strap top, there's no heating on or anything i just felt boiling.. i think i might be coming down with something..
I've felt like puking all weekend whenever i've eaten too.. I can't tell if i'm slightly feverish or just too warm.. but i feel like i should be freezing.. o_O Anyways.. cheh.. I dunno.. i'm still very up down.. i'm quite fed up of feeling really happy and then really crap the next day of waking up feeling angry as hell and going to sleep thinking that one day i'll open my eyes and everything will be gone.. it's so odd..
Like my reaction to Beki going in to hospital.. when i heard i was really shocked and shaken, then the next day i was really angry at her and wondered if we were really friends, if i really knew her or if it would be better if i just disappeared from her life and by monday i was over it completely.. i mean totally over it to the point i kinda find it funny.. i'm sure it's not normal to have an emotional reaction that is about 5 times faster than everyone elses.. Anyways dinner..
Tarrah! Love you all! xxx

Ahh lol! Good day today went shopping with my mum and she got me some nice stuff!! ^_^ *ish happy coz i like shopping* Then i met up with Josh and Amz.. which was fun.. Amz breast raped me till i agreed to let them both come back to mine for a bit! XD
Yeah we just sat around watching TV and Amz figured out the sky plus controller and it was funny! XD XD Ah man.. i laughed so much.. Josh and Amz sat on me and tickled my feet >.< It was horrible.. then we were adding Yu Gi to the start of words and MON! to the end! XD It was really retarded.. and i kept calling them by the wrong names.. but cheh! Good day.. i haven't been out like that for ages.

okay i read the entry, it didn't help.. pretty much a knife in the heart. But at least i did it.

Those of you who have heard will know what this is about.

I feel so empty and shocked. I'm just shaking and crying and worst of all i feel so useless and guilty and angry. I don't know. I just don't know.

There's no use going into details. I just have one thing to say:

Beki: I am so so so sorry. For not being there, for everything. (right now i could either hug you or hit you.. or both! Just.. carry on. That's it, all my great advice boils down to carry on. You're strong, you're tough and you have me (and about a million other people as well)) So yeah. I love you as a sister, as much as either of my brothers. Anyway we'll talk.

Yes diary... finally it must have been about a week o_o

and you know what? No real change.. there's going to be no ramble or real update. Just a reason, a reason that may or may not explain why i'm not going to be writing much.. not sure for how long, could be a week could be a year.

The reason is:
I have no motivation... i get up.. i go to school. I feel tired and sick ALL the time. I find it difficult to get up on weekends. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to go out and i sure as hell don't want to talk about it.

There you go. I may be on from time to time but don't expect anything. Most likely i'll come online for 2 seconds.. then go RP. Treat this as my ET "sick note".

/even less will to live.

Soooo tired... addicted to manga.. after this chapter i'm going to bed. Coz i am so tired it feels like i'm not really here anymore.. bleh i'm messed up and confused too.. i'd like to have a face to face talk with someone.. well a guy really, a guy i'm just friends with but i don't know anyone who i'd be prepared to open up to enough to talk about stuff. Stuff i need a guy to hear and give me an opinion on.. >.< Bleh so much crap in my head.. and failing school... and i'm just going to go die now...

/no will to live

I got over last night's hyperness.. mostly.. school was fine but boring.. didn't do that well on my pure maths or electricity physics.. =___= I'm beginning to think i'm destined to fail them all. I saw my physics teacher and i'm going to see her thursday lunch for some extra help. Plus my mum got me a physics revision guide so i'm going to read through that and see how much correcting i can do on my own (test wise) I should have my test somewhere.. =/ I'm going to read through all the topics we've covered so far and see if it helps.
So cheh.. busy though i'm shattered and it's only monday. >.< I can't believe i have 4 more days to go before a break again. *sigh* I'm in bed now.. i got lazy.. plus no homework yet so i should have some time to look at physics and art after dinner!! Thats all for the moment i think.. i feel so drained... ;_;

Finally!! I can go to bed!! *dances* I reached the end of a chapter of lovely Complex that isn't a cliff hanger.. wish i could stay up all night reading it.. but i'll flunk out if i do so i'm being good and taking my mad self to bed now!! tarrah!

*waves* sleep well everyone! :3

Lovely Complex reminds me of me and Mike Holmes (friend since the start of high school). I'm the short dwarf and he's the tall giant.. i'm the chatty, bubbly, crap-talking, easily flustered one and he's the tall silent guy who just grins and smacks me and walks off.. >.< lol XD XD Bless him.. such and odd pair we make! XD

Oh dear.. i have no idea whats come over me.. i just went:

"He's Gay" in a really deep muppet voice >.< why???? I think i need to go to bed before i kill myself laughing!!! XD XD

I just have to link this page of Lovely Complex (my new manga fix) The 2nd to last panel made me chuckle.

http://manga.mangavolume.com/Manga/Lovely%20Complex/Lovely%20Complex%20007b/LC-v02-c7b-(05).jpg

"It talks" XD XD

gah it won't link *cries*



hah that worked!!!

ARHH!!!! It happened again...

Online members suddenly changed into Orgy Memebers.. >.< Brain... you scare me sometimes.. *pokes with stick*

GROPEY HAND POINTERMON GO!!!! I felt i had to say that.. i would normally be heading to bed now.. but seeming as i went to bed at 11:30 last night and got up at 6am (i know.. talk about fucked up sleep patterns) I think i'll leave it a bit later.. i'd be sunk if i got up at 6 tomorrow.. i mean what would i do??? I can't shower till 7.. so i'd just be sulking around like a moron... >3<

I love my computer!! I know have a pointer that strokes the screen AND gropes links! XD It just groped the no new news link.... PMSL!!!!

1 more thing.. who the hell was it who told me i'd had too many chill pills the other day?? I think it was matt.. when i was acting like a loon in physics! XD Lol i just remembered now and it made me laugh... i was like this but in physics so instead of spamming a diary i was spamming to him.. bless him.. he's still my friend even though i spout crap at him every lesson.. XD XD XD

...

STROKE STROKE

...

that never gets old!

I'm not writing in here again with pointless stuff that amuses me <_< >_>

...

okay so i am.. BUuut.. <_<

Anywho my mouse pointer has turned into a hand out of nowhere and whenever i click anywhere where there isn't a link it strokes the screen.. *dies* =3 it amuses me.. *stroke stroke* ... *falls of chair* STROKE!!!!

I'm diary whoring a bit tonight but seriously.. look!

http://manga.mangavolume.com/Manga/Lovely%20Complex/Lovely%20Complex%20006a/Lovely_Complex_vol02_ch6a_pg01.jpg

Look at the top panel.. the guy has a christmas tree growing from his head! XD XD I just fell off my chair laughing at that! Please say there are other people who find that as hilarious as i do.. if there aren't i fear my brain is a useless mash of mush now.. and i have to stop giggling like a loon.. it shouldn't be this funny! BUT IT IS!! CHRISTMAS TREE... HEAD! *dies* yeah.. i need a moment to stop acting like i'm high or summin <_<

LOL!

you know what??? I am in LOVE with my TV.. yeah i know it's sad!! XD But i was watching Paul Merton's new improv. show on ITV (which is great i found it sooo funny) And during the advert break an advert came on.. i screamed, grabbed the edge of the sofa and nearly catapulted myself into the living room table.. yes over reaction much BUT it was the advert for the 3rd series of Supernatural and i LOVE that programme more than anything! Seriously.. i guessed what the advert was for withing 2 seconds.. one image.. which was of a house and i was like "SUPERNATURAL!" *dies* yeah.. i have an addiction! XD But cheh.. it starts in a week.. so now there's Tourchwood (<3), Primeval, Thank God You're Here, Never Mind the Buzzcocks (new series started a couple of weeks back and i've missed it so much.. me and my dad both find it hilarious) and Supernatural.. i am going to be a TV whore now. It's so good after a month of all the programmes i was addicted to ending just before christmas (Heroes, Bones, Top gear etc. etc.). finally i have a whole new set of programmes to watch and rave about! And Tourchwood and Supernatural are 2 of my very favortite programmes ever.. so cheh.. <_< /rant >_>

Anywho i've been very lazy today, got up late again and i've been re-reading the set of Stephanie Meyer novels i got, all three of them start to finish.. and guess what i've been taking it slow and i still finished the second one in 2 days >.< I have an issue. I have no homework and i'm just going to do some art this evening so everything is cool. It's good to have a weekend to be lazy as hell now my exams are out of the way. I need to put in more effort to school so.. cheh.. i will be very busy for the next couple of months. Things get hectic again after next weekend, My birthday is a week today and my dads and i still need to get him a present (=/), then i'm thinking of going to chester possibly the weekend after, i might go on my own.. i feel like having a private unrushed shopping session, i might ask my mum to come with me.. we haven't had a girly day in a while. Then Cal's birthday, half term (school work) and yeah... lots of stuff! XD

So chill out weekend has been good.. i still feel a bit bleh.. eating food makes me feel nauseous at the moment.. and i'm not sure if i'm ill or it's something else.. stress or something.. Anyway i'm making myself eat and just putting up with the result of that being i feel like chucking up alot. I'm also exhausted. I feel like i have no soul, i want to stay in bed all day, it's actually physically difficult for me to get up, i have no will. I also don't feel like going out and doing anything, normally i would have gone to keep fit with my mum on a sunday but i couldn't be bothered. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either really. I just want to get through this year at school and get the results i want in my AS exams. Which makes me think it is stress that's causing me to feel so zombie like. I am enjoying school though, it's an escape from home. Coz at home i feel guilty everytime i'm not studying or doing art coursework, I feel guilty that my mum wants me to better at school than i am doing and i feel angry at myself for failing subjects and letting my dream to go to cambridge slip through my fingers. And i'm confused again about my future. I decided to take a course in Architecture at uni when i go but recently i've re-discovered how much i love reading and writing and i know with certainty that it is the thing that makes me most happy. I want to be an author. But i'm not sure i want to do Lit or Lang at uni, coz i don't want to lose the thing i love becuase i'm stressed out by doing all the time as a job. So i dunno.. i don't want to do architecture and then regret it becuase i don't have time to write and i can't get published. /confused
Why is being a teenager in this damned centuary so difficult?

Damn Beki and her diary entries! XD lol I haven't been online since wednesday so i didn't read it till now and it made me burst into tears! XD lol it's stupid really it was just that she said exactly (pretty much) what i said in my below rant about me (just shorter) and i guess it's stupid but i thought i'd been you know hiding it quite well, how stressed out i was.. i think it's just coz she knows me and knows what goes on in my head. But yeah.. it was mixture of "i'm glad someone knows me that well." and "damn i'm not hiding it well enough.. must try harder to seem unbothered about everything" >.<
I guess it's probably because she reads my ET diary rants and i'm pretty much brutally honest about myself here and how i feel.. everyone needs an outlet.. but i kinda don't expect anyone to read them.. i don't bother to hide the entries becuase i figure there is no one who would read them anyways. I treat it as a completely private diary... but it's not.

O_O haven't written since wednesday.. been too tired and busy and all that anyways time for an update!

Thursday was a pretty aweful day, the first one i've had in a while i think.. i mean it wasn't aweful as in i felt upset or anything like that.. more that i was stupidly tired and because of that i was irritable and angry >.< Which i'm normally good at controlling at school and things but i failed totally.
Basically my mum and brother had a big fight on wednesday night, my brother (15) wanted to go out camping by the river with a couple of his mates and my mum said no. I can undersatnd why, there are chavs around, they would probably be drinking and drink, fire and water in January don't mix. Being a parent she didn't want him to go and for something to happen and for him to have to live with it. Totally understandable. Only my brother has a temper and he knows that coz my dad's away and my mum feels vaunerable that he stands more of a chance of getting his way by arguing and taking below the belt shots at my mum. Things like threatening to walk out, drop out of school, go anyway and all that. My mum said no but she was really upset about it and as my dad was away working it turned in my job to be the second parent.
She was really upset becuase all she wanted was for my brother to be happy but she couldn't let him go camping because her heart told her it would be the wrong thing to do and mark wouldn't accept that becuase there was no solid reason only an emotional one. So i was there with my mum in tears and trying to hide it from me attempting to convince her she was doing the right thing and that mark wouldn't walk out. Meantime in my head i kept thinking "I don't know he won't walk out and what do i do if he does?" >.< Anyway then i had to go out to babysit and just hope mark wouldn't be stupid enough to disappear. Luckily he wasn't and everything seemed better when i got in at 11.
I went to bed at 12 but slept really badly, worrying about my brother and my mum and things so i was exhausted when i got up thursday morning. I'm used to being tired though so i was fine in the morning, Mark stayed off school coz he was sick and me and lew went to catch the bus. Which never came, i was fine with that my mum gave us a lift into town on her way to work and we walked to school. I felt fine then too. It was freezing though >.<
Anywho got into school wasn't too bad and then i found out my chem test result, 57% and i knew my mum was going to flip at me and look at me and say something like "Maybe you shouldn't aim so high you're not getting the right grades. Wouldn't it be eaasier just to drop a subject." And i hate that, coz i know i'm finding it difficult but i have never given up on anything in my life, not anything like this anyways and i NEED her to nag at me and tell me i need better grades i don't need her to give up on me becuase i can't achieve what i want with just my own persuasion.
So yeah that got me down a bit and then it all kicked off at break. Beki was off so i went to talk to cross and Aled and Mark. We were messing about as we usually do and mark said something which got to me and sparked me off and suddenly it felt like mark, cross and aled were just being reallt horribly mean and insensitive and i lost it. I swung at all of them and stormed off. I mean i didn't lose my temper as badly as i could have but i was annoyed that i lost it at all.
By the end of break though i'd calmed myself down but then mark and Aled didn't leave me alone in maths they just carried on and i could feel myself getting more upset and angry.
Anyway i spent lunch with Amz and we had fun she calmed me down alot and the rest of the day was fine. I guess i was just tired, stressed out over exams and failing, annoyed that while i feel i'm pushing myself so hard i'm falling appart everyone else seems to be getting time off. I know it's irrational but i swear i haven't had any time to myself all week. It's been school, revision, school, revision. All week. So yeah.
Friday was much better, i had a good day and i had a good nights sleep, went to the gym and cheh. I ache so much now though!!! >.< lol just shows i need to go to the gym more often! XD