[Lexi. Short and Sweet!]'s diary
*pops up* twice in one night?? what the hell is going on? cheh lol XD
Anyways after the last entry i went with my mum to a fitness class for an hour, it was good fun!! I actually caught on pretty quickly and had alot of fun and now i feel alot better and happier. I always do after exercise, it's true what they say it DOES have feel good effects! lol
I'll still have to do my mechanics homework tomorrow in my free but as it looks like no one will be in i guess thats an okay way to fill time! And i'm going to bring some cards into school see if we can get another big game of bullshit going again! XD It was fun at lunch today with Ruth and Amz and the giant unicorn! XD XD XD
Yeah still fed up but that's more a people thing and effects me more when i'm at school. I'm fine when i'm away from the people that are bugging me (go figure) still i wish there was someone i could sit down and chat to about it all. Someone who doesn't know any of the people so i can actually get stuff off my chest! But meh.. i'll cope. I need to get organised though, get a job, do my homework when i'm given it. I'm not sure what's happening this weekend but i think i might take saturday to sort things out, i said i'd clean the car for some cash so i might as well organise my school work, do homework and clean my room. Usual chores but use it as a new start.
The lent thing is going well, i haven't had any alcohol, chocolate or caffine since the start of lent (except at cal's but that was a day off i'm doing an extra day at the end of lent) and i feel much better than i have for a while. I'm detoxing and sorting my life out coz i was drinking to deal with stress, using caffine to make sure i only got a few hours sleep a night so i could work and chat online and the chocolate.. well i was binge eating so.. yeah with all that stopped, one less subject and a renewed determination i'm thinking this year could be a new start for me!
Oh yeah and the line up for BOA this year looks AMAZING!! So i'm getting my dad to get me and Amz's tickets tomorrow night!! I can't wait for it should be as amazing as last year only i plan to remember more of it XD (but i may fail completely!!)
Anyways that's all for tonight!! I'll try to get on tomorrow to check out all my wiki's and answer my messages. Sorry for being so absent and cheh.. and if any of my previous entries worried anyone sorry for that too. I'm fine just.. taking a close look at who i can trust and who are REALLY my friends. Oh happy happy times! ;P But yeah over all i'm happier than i was a few weeks back! So that's good! =D
It's been a while since i was last online here, for lots of reasons old, new and recurring. Life is going alright for me it has it's ups and it's downs as usual but it's been a good couple of weeks since i've had any major downs (the ones that make you just want to curl up and die.)! Which is good and i'm feeling better in myself.. although i think i'm looking a bit podgy =/ more time at the gym me thinks! XD There are still things going on in my head that mess me about sometimes.. nothing serious just my own paranoia and uncertainty but i'm beginning to get to grips with that and accepting that's just how i am and there's nothing i can do about it except accept it and live with it.
Despite that i'm still feeling quite fed up at the moment, my life is so stagnent and i'm loosing my trust in everyone. Maybe i'm happier becuase i'm caring less and less about the people around me. I'm not doing it to be horrible it's just.. stuff. Like the fact a bunch of people are being REALLY two faced around me, acting like my friends and then talking behind my back or being really different with me when i'm with people compared to when i'm alone with them. Tbh i cba with any of it. I'm fed up of people thinking it's okay to just treat me however they like and that they can say what they want coz what i feel and think doesn't matter.
I'm fed up of trying my hardest to reach the goals i want to reach and people actually looking down on me becuase of it. I'm fed up of all the lying and crap and people thinking that it's cool to be complete dicks and giving me dark looks because i actually want to achieve something with my life. I'm also fed up of people expecting me to understand why they do things and accept it without a question and carry on smiling as if i'm okay with it. I'm not okay with it, with any of it.
Gah appart from that i'm completely fine! XD lol. Anywho engineering is going well and i am LOVING it!! seriously it's fun and to actually have Toyota excited about it and stuff.. it's so awesome!! English is still boring as hell but all my other lessons are going well and i'm having fun! I'm really pleased with my art and stuff!! X3 So yeah mixed bag but i'm just thinking of it as a year and a half and then i can do what i really want to do!!
oh gosh.. i'm mega awesome supper tired.. not sure which i find more wearing, juggling five subjects and no social life or 4 subjects and a social life.. it's really close.. XD
Yeah i dropped physics. I decided over the weekend partly becuase of beki (thank you for that! I need something to force me to sort out my priorities.. just didn't expect that kinda thing! =P lol) and partly becuase of saturday and how good it felt to have fun with friends again. And believe me it's been a long time since i last let go of my stress and went and hung out with mates without getting drink involved. I know i hung out with Beki and Amz on my birthday a week and a bit ago but i got quite pissed to stop myself stressing over having fun and that is not right at all. So cheh, i feel less stressed out now i have one free a day to do homework and more free time. ^_^
Still it's not been a complete release, there is always the part of me that hates myself for giving up no matter how much pain it was causing me to carry on forcing myself to the point of exhaustion each week. Yesterday was really good i was really really happy becuase i made a decision and i hung out with my friends and i talked to beki and went to bed thinking life is great. Today it's wearing off.. I think i must have slept really badly last night, i woke up.. not tired exactly but really light headed.. i have no idea how i managed to get up and turn my alarm off i felt like i was floating and i was really dizzy. Then i showered and i was starving.. i had breakfast but five minutes later i was hungry again.. now.. well i sat down on the sofa and i really struggled to get up again and now i have got up i'm sitting around in a strap top, there's no heating on or anything i just felt boiling.. i think i might be coming down with something..
I've felt like puking all weekend whenever i've eaten too.. I can't tell if i'm slightly feverish or just too warm.. but i feel like i should be freezing.. o_O Anyways.. cheh.. I dunno.. i'm still very up down.. i'm quite fed up of feeling really happy and then really crap the next day of waking up feeling angry as hell and going to sleep thinking that one day i'll open my eyes and everything will be gone.. it's so odd..
Like my reaction to Beki going in to hospital.. when i heard i was really shocked and shaken, then the next day i was really angry at her and wondered if we were really friends, if i really knew her or if it would be better if i just disappeared from her life and by monday i was over it completely.. i mean totally over it to the point i kinda find it funny.. i'm sure it's not normal to have an emotional reaction that is about 5 times faster than everyone elses.. Anyways dinner..
Tarrah! Love you all! xxx
Ahh lol! Good day today went shopping with my mum and she got me some nice stuff!! ^_^ *ish happy coz i like shopping* Then i met up with Josh and Amz.. which was fun.. Amz breast raped me till i agreed to let them both come back to mine for a bit! XD
Yeah we just sat around watching TV and Amz figured out the sky plus controller and it was funny! XD XD Ah man.. i laughed so much.. Josh and Amz sat on me and tickled my feet >.< It was horrible.. then we were adding Yu Gi to the start of words and MON! to the end! XD It was really retarded.. and i kept calling them by the wrong names.. but cheh! Good day.. i haven't been out like that for ages.
okay i read the entry, it didn't help.. pretty much a knife in the heart. But at least i did it.
Those of you who have heard will know what this is about.
I feel so empty and shocked. I'm just shaking and crying and worst of all i feel so useless and guilty and angry. I don't know. I just don't know.
There's no use going into details. I just have one thing to say:
Beki: I am so so so sorry. For not being there, for everything. (right now i could either hug you or hit you.. or both! Just.. carry on. That's it, all my great advice boils down to carry on. You're strong, you're tough and you have me (and about a million other people as well)) So yeah. I love you as a sister, as much as either of my brothers. Anyway we'll talk.
Yes diary... finally it must have been about a week o_o
and you know what? No real change.. there's going to be no ramble or real update. Just a reason, a reason that may or may not explain why i'm not going to be writing much.. not sure for how long, could be a week could be a year.
The reason is:
I have no motivation... i get up.. i go to school. I feel tired and sick ALL the time. I find it difficult to get up on weekends. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to go out and i sure as hell don't want to talk about it.
There you go. I may be on from time to time but don't expect anything. Most likely i'll come online for 2 seconds.. then go RP. Treat this as my ET "sick note".
/even less will to live.
Soooo tired... addicted to manga.. after this chapter i'm going to bed. Coz i am so tired it feels like i'm not really here anymore.. bleh i'm messed up and confused too.. i'd like to have a face to face talk with someone.. well a guy really, a guy i'm just friends with but i don't know anyone who i'd be prepared to open up to enough to talk about stuff. Stuff i need a guy to hear and give me an opinion on.. >.< Bleh so much crap in my head.. and failing school... and i'm just going to go die now...
/no will to live
I got over last night's hyperness.. mostly.. school was fine but boring.. didn't do that well on my pure maths or electricity physics.. =___= I'm beginning to think i'm destined to fail them all. I saw my physics teacher and i'm going to see her thursday lunch for some extra help. Plus my mum got me a physics revision guide so i'm going to read through that and see how much correcting i can do on my own (test wise) I should have my test somewhere.. =/ I'm going to read through all the topics we've covered so far and see if it helps.
So cheh.. busy though i'm shattered and it's only monday. >.< I can't believe i have 4 more days to go before a break again. *sigh* I'm in bed now.. i got lazy.. plus no homework yet so i should have some time to look at physics and art after dinner!! Thats all for the moment i think.. i feel so drained... ;_;
Finally!! I can go to bed!! *dances* I reached the end of a chapter of lovely Complex that isn't a cliff hanger.. wish i could stay up all night reading it.. but i'll flunk out if i do so i'm being good and taking my mad self to bed now!! tarrah!
*waves* sleep well everyone! :3
Lovely Complex reminds me of me and Mike Holmes (friend since the start of high school). I'm the short dwarf and he's the tall giant.. i'm the chatty, bubbly, crap-talking, easily flustered one and he's the tall silent guy who just grins and smacks me and walks off.. >.< lol XD XD Bless him.. such and odd pair we make! XD
Oh dear.. i have no idea whats come over me.. i just went:
"He's Gay" in a really deep muppet voice >.< why???? I think i need to go to bed before i kill myself laughing!!! XD XD
I just have to link this page of Lovely Complex (my new manga fix) The 2nd to last panel made me chuckle.
http://manga.m
"It talks" XD XD
gah it won't link *cries*
.jpg)
hah that worked!!!
ARHH!!!! It happened again...
Online members suddenly changed into Orgy Memebers.. >.< Brain... you scare me sometimes.. *pokes with stick*
GROPEY HAND POINTERMON GO!!!! I felt i had to say that.. i would normally be heading to bed now.. but seeming as i went to bed at 11:30 last night and got up at 6am (i know.. talk about fucked up sleep patterns) I think i'll leave it a bit later.. i'd be sunk if i got up at 6 tomorrow.. i mean what would i do??? I can't shower till 7.. so i'd just be sulking around like a moron... >3<
I love my computer!! I know have a pointer that strokes the screen AND gropes links! XD It just groped the no new news link.... PMSL!!!!
1 more thing.. who the hell was it who told me i'd had too many chill pills the other day?? I think it was matt.. when i was acting like a loon in physics! XD Lol i just remembered now and it made me laugh... i was like this but in physics so instead of spamming a diary i was spamming to him.. bless him.. he's still my friend even though i spout crap at him every lesson.. XD XD XD
...
STROKE STROKE
...
that never gets old!
I'm not writing in here again with pointless stuff that amuses me <_< >_>
...
okay so i am.. BUuut.. <_<
Anywho my mouse pointer has turned into a hand out of nowhere and whenever i click anywhere where there isn't a link it strokes the screen.. *dies* =3 it amuses me.. *stroke stroke* ... *falls of chair* STROKE!!!!
I'm diary whoring a bit tonight but seriously.. look!
http://manga.m
Look at the top panel.. the guy has a christmas tree growing from his head! XD XD I just fell off my chair laughing at that! Please say there are other people who find that as hilarious as i do.. if there aren't i fear my brain is a useless mash of mush now.. and i have to stop giggling like a loon.. it shouldn't be this funny! BUT IT IS!! CHRISTMAS TREE... HEAD! *dies* yeah.. i need a moment to stop acting like i'm high or summin <_<
Written about Sunday 2008-01-20
Written: (6151 days ago)
LOL!
I just glanced at the Wiki Changes section when i logged on and i swear it said Read Porn... i was like WTF? So i double take-ed and uhh.. it said Wiki Changes: Daily Poem.. LOL! Made me laugh though.. and worry.. stupid brain..
you know what??? I am in LOVE with my TV.. yeah i know it's sad!! XD But i was watching Paul Merton's new improv. show on ITV (which is great i found it sooo funny) And during the advert break an advert came on.. i screamed, grabbed the edge of the sofa and nearly catapulted myself into the living room table.. yes over reaction much BUT it was the advert for the 3rd series of Supernatural and i LOVE that programme more than anything! Seriously.. i guessed what the advert was for withing 2 seconds.. one image.. which was of a house and i was like "SUPERNATURAL!
Anywho i've been very lazy today, got up late again and i've been re-reading the set of Stephanie Meyer novels i got, all three of them start to finish.. and guess what i've been taking it slow and i still finished the second one in 2 days >.< I have an issue. I have no homework and i'm just going to do some art this evening so everything is cool. It's good to have a weekend to be lazy as hell now my exams are out of the way. I need to put in more effort to school so.. cheh.. i will be very busy for the next couple of months. Things get hectic again after next weekend, My birthday is a week today and my dads and i still need to get him a present (=/), then i'm thinking of going to chester possibly the weekend after, i might go on my own.. i feel like having a private unrushed shopping session, i might ask my mum to come with me.. we haven't had a girly day in a while. Then Cal's birthday, half term (school work) and yeah... lots of stuff! XD
So chill out weekend has been good.. i still feel a bit bleh.. eating food makes me feel nauseous at the moment.. and i'm not sure if i'm ill or it's something else.. stress or something.. Anyway i'm making myself eat and just putting up with the result of that being i feel like chucking up alot. I'm also exhausted. I feel like i have no soul, i want to stay in bed all day, it's actually physically difficult for me to get up, i have no will. I also don't feel like going out and doing anything, normally i would have gone to keep fit with my mum on a sunday but i couldn't be bothered. I don't want to celebrate my birthday either really. I just want to get through this year at school and get the results i want in my AS exams. Which makes me think it is stress that's causing me to feel so zombie like. I am enjoying school though, it's an escape from home. Coz at home i feel guilty everytime i'm not studying or doing art coursework, I feel guilty that my mum wants me to better at school than i am doing and i feel angry at myself for failing subjects and letting my dream to go to cambridge slip through my fingers. And i'm confused again about my future. I decided to take a course in Architecture at uni when i go but recently i've re-discovered how much i love reading and writing and i know with certainty that it is the thing that makes me most happy. I want to be an author. But i'm not sure i want to do Lit or Lang at uni, coz i don't want to lose the thing i love becuase i'm stressed out by doing all the time as a job. So i dunno.. i don't want to do architecture and then regret it becuase i don't have time to write and i can't get published. /confused
Why is being a teenager in this damned centuary so difficult?