Oh yeah.. another thing.. MY BOOKS ARRIVED!! SCORE!!! i read volume 4. of I.N.V.U in about an hour when i got in from school... books make me so happy! *squee* and with that i'm off to read.. i have a pile of books about 12 books high next to my bed becuase i have run out of shelf space.. already... o_o

I've been thinking alot today, about everything in my life, about myself, about what's happened to me recently and how confused and alone i've felt since starting 6th form. I almost wish i'd given it more thought, take my gap year this year instead of at the end on 6th form. I've made so many worng choices so far this year, ive fucked up alot more than i ever thought was possible. I don't deserve forgiveness or sympathy. Not for what i've put my friends and family through, not for not being strong enough to hold myself together, not for letting the mask slip. My parents look at me odd now, my mum keeps touching me as if she expects me to disappear at any moment. On sunday they thought i was actually going to kill myself. My family don't even think i can cope with life and that makes me so angry and upset.
But i've made a couple of decisionss today. I've decided that i have to stop drinking, anything because what happened on saturday was my way of having a complete break down. Until i can sort my life out i don't trust my self to drink anything. Because once i start drinking i realise how good it feels to forget, to feel as out of control of myself as i feel i am of my life. Strange thing to want isn't it? To want to lose control completely.. but i long for it.. i'm never one to do things by halves and as my life spirals out of control i find that that is exactly what i want my life to do too.
The second decision i have made is to get a paper diary, which i did at lunch. I need somewhere to record my aims and ambitions, to put down my odd thoughts. I just feel like i need to commit to paper what i intend to do so i have motivation to do it.
The third thing is to put my all into my school work, i want to pass so i will do all my homework as soon as possible, make detailed revision notes, organise my work and try my hardest at everything.
Fourth is to get a job and take up some hobbies, so there are other areas to my life than school. I want to learn guitar, go back to horse riding and the gym. At least 3 times a week at the gym to help relieve stress.
I've been thinking alot today and what i've realised is that letting go of my self-control made things 10 times worse so the only way to move forward is to stop and take control of the things i can control. I can control what i drink, school work, exercise and how i feel about my life. My parents have always said: "People don't annoy you, you choose to get annoyed" so on that principle i am LETTING life get me down and i'm fed up of it. I'm so close to throwing away my whole future by sitting around going "It's not my fault.." well it bloody is my fault and i'm bloody going to fix it!!
With this new philosophy in place i had a really good day at school! Free first which i speant playing poker with chad, aled, matt, cross and wilson (i'm addicted to poker now! X3) I came 3rd.. Aled and Wilson lost! Cross won.. then 2nd i went and got my art exam paper and miss said i could go "research" it if i wanted.. guess what? Ended up playing cards with Toni, Wilson and Chad for the whole hour! XD fail!! English was boring except for Rach and Elissa's conversation (on paper) about Mr Jones' underwear.. o_o disturbing but hysterical.. and i think i can get my coursework done for his class really easily which is good! Chemistry was average.. nothing to talk about really..
Maths.. ZOMG!! maths.. it was so funny.. i wasn't in yesterday so i had no idea what we were meant to be doing.. and i payed no attention! XD I was too busy watching Aled and Mark break everything in their pencil cases.. and Mark bent Aled's calculator which was so funny.. but you probably had to be there! The last 5 minutes were the funniest!
aled: Get your big one out Mark! (he meant his jumbo multi-coloured pencil)
Me and Mark: *piss ourselves laughing and mark gets the pencil out*
Aled: ahh wow can i touch it?
Mark: yeah... *realises what he said and pisses himself laughing*
Me: *already choking to death with laughter*
Teacher: *ignores us*

XD XD XD XD XD ah it was amazing!!

So yeah that was my day! Went to town at lunch to put some money in the bank (i'm no longer broke!!) but i'm going to save up for my BOA ticket and enough money to have a bit of a shopping spree in chester sometime. Yeah BOA is on the cards again, Haz is going and my mum is fine with me going with her and her boyfriend Gwyn, and whoever else decides to join us nearer the time.
In other news i have no idea what's going on with Beki and Amy.. as far as i can tell they don't want me around and that's fine.. but Ruth's giving me another story so i'm like o_o wtf??? But yeah whatever happens with that *shrugs* i'm happy, for the first time in months i am content with what i've got and now i'm ready to stop lying down and crying and start fighting. Coz i've always been a fighter and always will be! I just lost my way for a bit then!
Anywho ALEX IS BACK!! \m/ and i'm going to kick some ass! =P 

Well i figure out what i want to do. Leave. I want to go abroad and learn another language and do the international Bac. But that isn't going to happen so i'm deciding to take hold of my life and make the best out of what i've got. Which is quite alot, i have loads of friends, i have a brilliant family, i am fairly clever and capable of doing well at school and that is what i intend to do! I think i am going to Yale next year, as i've said before i need a change, need to get away from the Alun. I've loved my time there but it's time to move on. I'm no longer on the same wavelength as my best friend and i agree with her, it's time we both let go. We're both just hurting each other and i've felt for the last couple of weeks she just wants to be friends with Amy without me being in the way. I accept that and i just want to say to her that i am sorry if i've said or done anything to hurt her, she should know by now that is never my intention. I also just want her to be happy, it's all i've ever wanted and i can't handle the fact that i want that so much for her that it is tearing me apart piece by piece. And i'm still so fucked up that i can't let anyone know that, that i can't let go of the smile.. anyways i'll continue this after school because right now i feel like loosing it and crying and shouting but i don't want my friends to see me like that and i have to leave for school in about 2 minutes. So yeah.

Bleh, wasn't in school today.. i was ill ;_; still am tbh but i'll probably come in tomorrow.. I have no idea what's up with me.. i woke up this morning and felt like chucking up.. that's gone away but now i have a headache and i fell really achey and just.. crap. I dunno.. I've also been getting alot of pains, like sharp stabbing pain but not in one iscolated place. I've had it in my left side near my hip, along my right side and really tight squeezing pain in my chest.. i've no idea what's going on.. and i should probably see a doctor.. but i hate them so i won't!
Apart from that Wrexham was fun last night! Me and mark went to watch cross's band playing, Josh was meant to come too, he made a load of excuses but i think he just couldn't be bothered! XP his loss!! It was really fun, we hung around chatted about stuff!! It was good and all of cross's band were really nice!!! So cheh! Had alot of fun! =D Schools been better recently but i still want to do something else.. i don't know what.. i asked my mum if i could do A levels at home next year but the open university courses don't match up with uni application >.< so i don't know i might go to a college in Wrexham next year, meet some new people. It'd just be to make next year more interesting! Anyways i don't know what i'll do.. just have to concentrate on school work and homework and all the other stuff that's going on in my life. Once i've done my AS levels then i'll think about stuff. If i had the choice i would go abroad somewhere for a year or two to do school and pick up another language.. well i will be 18 next year so it could be a possibility! Anywho i should get back to this engineering report that's due in tomorrow =/
Oh yeah and the toyota meeting went amazing! I was trying not to piss myself laughing becuase the Japanese guy made this amazing sound every time the magnets picked up some iron.. cheh =D And they told us to get it patented or they would :o so they obviously liked our ideas! Liked it enough to steal it anyways! XD Hopefully we'll win some prizes at the competition!! yay!!

LOL we had an earthquake!! XD XD XD and guess what? I slept right through it! XD XD

And my pc is acting up.. it's deciding to ignore half the screen that is actually there! o_o Annnd.. dunno that's it really.. except i'm going to a gig in Wrexham tonight so i won't be online probs. and i got a meeting with some important toyota people today =/. Oh yeah and i've got a english proposal and engineering report to finish!! AHHH!! And my art coursework is due in monday.. zomg.. i can't wait to get to uni!!!
I'm planning for the summer now! Trips to Kent, Bristol and Cornwall are on the table, BOA of course! And i have no idea apart from that.. if it's nice i might go on a 3 day hike thing seeming as i'm missing camp ;_;!! But i guess i am getting to go to a boarding fest and surfing in cornwall (hot guys ftw! (well i hope so anyways!)) Anywho better get offline before i miss my bus :o tarrah!

Oh bleh!! I'm all shivery! o_o lol!! XD
Quick run down of the weekend:
Went to Amy's got very pissed ended up in hospital (i really really hate hospitals) can't remember much except realising i was in a hosital and majorly kicking off.
Got home about 4am and got woken up at 9 to go to manchester, i was still slightly pissed at this point and my balance was a bit fucked!
Got home from Manchester got arrested (for assulting a policeman while in the hospital (yes i freaked out that much! Did i mention i can't stand hospitals =P)) and got released with an £80 drunk and disorderly charge.
Oh yeah tried to phone beki 4 times, left a message did she phone me or text me even once to tell me she had my stuff or ask if i was ok? That's a no, nice to know she cares.
Anyways school on monday was amazingly fun! XD Everyone knew because they'd all been told before i got there but it wasn't too bad coz most of them just laughed, took the piss or looked shocked for about 2 seconds! XD. I skipped 2nd lesson (coz it was english and boring as hell) and met up with ruth in the libary, we got chucked out for playing bullshit! XD So we played outside!! Then at lunch played more bullshit!! And in my 4th free played go fish, chase the ace and snap (which gave Aled a messed up thumb!).
Today was pretty boring except for the hilarious arguement that ended up involving everyone about where leeds was and who would get there first if we all walked in the directions we thought it was! (i won!) lol yeah and i played texas hold em poker 1st lesson.. and lost.. although an hour wasn't enough time to finish the game!! =( So anyways yeah i better go and do what i'm meant to be doing and write this engineering report and english thingy.. *sigh* school work is never over and done with!
Tarrah for now! xxx

lol all the people who have looked at my house recently are people who watch my diary! :o figures!!

And in other news our teachers are corrupt and will accept food instead of money (for past papers and stuff) and homework! I love my school so much.. it's sad to think i'll be leaving in a year and a half and that part of my life will be over forever ;_; Despite all the downs i will always remember school with a smile! And everyone i know from school coz admittedly you all rock my socks!

Oh gosh.. there is so much i want to say here but i don't know if i can, i don't want to hurt anyone by being honest but i'm fed up of lying to myself and my friends too. There are alot of sorry's to be said and alot of thank you's too. Yeah i'm aware that most of the people reading this at the moment will be like wtf? and i want to explain more than anything... I could so easily pour out my soul right now so everyone can know what's been going on in my head.. but then i wonder if that's fair. The truth can hurt alot of people.. and there are some things i think should only be said to the people they involve directly. *headdesk headdesk* I'm so confused at the moment..
Today was such a good day as well! I wasn't sure about school coz i knew loads of people weren't going to be in but it turned out really good! I had a free first that i spent with Holly, Ryan and Josh. I hadn't spoken to Holly in ages but we hugged, said a few words and that was it! Everything seemed alot brighter, it seems strange that such a small thing could make such a difference, but people who know me well may understand it. I'm the kind of person who would rather push people away and make them think we've drifted appart than let them get close to me. I see it as a weakness to show emotion, which is why those of you who read this and see me at school may think there are two different people. Coz at school i try and always smile, i put on an act that makes me seem like a happy person ALL the time but when i get home, half the time, the charade falls appart and i feel like a really young child again. Alone, Upset and Clueless. Anyways that's kinda off the point, the thing is i've just realised i've been poisoning myself against my friends. Telling myself that they don't want me as a friend anymore, that they don't need me and i really don't need them. Twisted huh? I've always been paranoid, i don't think it would be a lie for me to say i've never trusted any of my friends, not even my closest friends. I see everyone as usuing me, i expect them to lie to me, to fuck me about i don't know why. I've always been like that but it wasnt until i started talking to Holly this morning that i realised that without noticing since i'd moved up to 6th form i've been (perhaps actively) drifting apart from my close friends and making friends with new people. Doesn't sound too bad like that but to me it's a realisation that i am so paranoid and twisted that i won't let anyone near, i'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone in the world who actually has any idea who i am, if i even know who i am. There are so many masks, so many different sides of me. I can remember when i was as young as 9 crying my eyes out before school but wiping away the tears and practicing in the car on the way to school a smile that would look real to my friends. So they wouldn't know i'd been upset. I guess i've got so good at it now i'm even smiling that fake smile to myself. Good to know.
Anyway after that i felt happier and more chilled out than i had for a long time, i felt contented, more than happy to be at school. Art was quiet but i'm almost finished my final piece which is excellent! English was boring but we've got our new 2nd exam text and it looks really interesting so i'm going to read it tonight! I'm also going to do a coursework preposal because i want to do a different topic to the one Mr Jones wants me to do! Hopefully i'll get most of my work done tonight and i can lie in tomorrow and then do the car and go to Amz's! (i will stay sober!) At lunch we had a meeting with Simon Jones (out toyota engineer) and a DRB guy called Patrich who draws up 3D digital designs for machines companies want to make. He's done deisgns for roundtree's and for Kellogs so his company are pretty big in the world of business! And he's being payed by Toyota to do a 3D drawing of what we want our prototype to turn into!! Toyota are also sending over two guys who are the highest rank in terms of British Toyota, one who reports to Toyota japan, to meet our engineering team and talk to us, see our prototype and stuff (=/). If we impress them they're talking about taking our idea further and actually making it part of their factory systems!! If they do they want us to help them with it too! So that the design will be COMPLETELY ours. I never thought when i became part of this that it would become so massive!! It's really exciting! Our design could go world wide and to think this is all part of some Welsh engineering scheme, a school competition! I've had so much fun too that i'm really considering being an engineer or something like that! I love the problem solving and stuff! Ahh it makes me so happy! ^_^
Then chemistry (which was funny!) and maths and home!! Pretty chilled out and cool day! (lol talk about bipolar diary entries!!) Anyways better get started on this work load.. after i've answered my messages, don't want them to build up again! XD
Oh yeah and thanks to everyone here for putting up with me and sorry for the same reasons too! Big thanks and hugs to Jim becuase he's kept me sane, listened and given great advice, he's made me feel like i am worth something! X3 Thanks also to all my RL and online friends from other places. And sorry to everyone, for not being around, for pushing you away and for all the pretending. I love you all *hugs*

Guess what? I'm back online again *shocked faces* cheh! XD I forgot how much better this place makes me feel, it's an escape from my life and a chance to talk to people who don't give a shit about me really but just enjoy chatting about random stuff! lol <3 I have no idea what's going on with anyone at the moment.. and in a way i don't want to know. That sounds harsh, i mean i want to be there for my friends, i want to help them, if i could i'd take all their problems away from them. But i can't and every time i try i fail. So what's the point? I can't help, i never have been able to. The worst part is i actually don't care anymore, that's what scares me. I used to grab everyone's problems and try and solve them, i used to talk to people about their problems and see what i could do. Now i try and ignore them completely becuase almost everytime i try and help someone it turns round and bites me in the ass. Everytime i feel a bit of my heart break and i want more and more to run away. Well i'm fed up of running and i'm fed up of people not caring about anything, i'm fed up of ME not caring and most of all i'm fed up of everyone thinking life is okay as it is. It really isn't.
Anyways school.. lets see how today goes.. i don't think anyone's going to be in so it could be good or bad.. XD tarrah! 

I forgot how addicted i can get to this when i get talking to people.. =/ so i'm going to tear myself away and head to bed! XD Night all!

Oh what the hell i'm going to answer my messages now!! yay! XD XD

*pops up* twice in one night?? what the hell is going on? cheh lol XD
Anyways after the last entry i went with my mum to a fitness class for an hour, it was good fun!! I actually caught on pretty quickly and had alot of fun and now i feel alot better and happier. I always do after exercise, it's true what they say it DOES have feel good effects! lol
I'll still have to do my mechanics homework tomorrow in my free but as it looks like no one will be in i guess thats an okay way to fill time! And i'm going to bring some cards into school see if we can get another big game of bullshit going again! XD It was fun at lunch today with Ruth and Amz and the giant unicorn! XD XD XD
Yeah still fed up but that's more a people thing and effects me more when i'm at school. I'm fine when i'm away from the people that are bugging me (go figure) still i wish there was someone i could sit down and chat to about it all. Someone who doesn't know any of the people so i can actually get stuff off my chest! But meh.. i'll cope. I need to get organised though, get a job, do my homework when i'm given it. I'm not sure what's happening this weekend but i think i might take saturday to sort things out, i said i'd clean the car for some cash so i might as well organise my school work, do homework and clean my room. Usual chores but use it as a new start.
The lent thing is going well, i haven't had any alcohol, chocolate or caffine since the start of lent (except at cal's but that was a day off i'm doing an extra day at the end of lent) and i feel much better than i have for a while. I'm detoxing and sorting my life out coz i was drinking to deal with stress, using caffine to make sure i only got a few hours sleep a night so i could work and chat online and the chocolate.. well i was binge eating so.. yeah with all that stopped, one less subject and a renewed determination i'm thinking this year could be a new start for me!
Oh yeah and the line up for BOA this year looks AMAZING!! So i'm getting my dad to get me and Amz's tickets tomorrow night!! I can't wait for it should be as amazing as last year only i plan to remember more of it XD (but i may fail completely!!)
Anyways that's all for tonight!! I'll try to get on tomorrow to check out all my wiki's and answer my messages. Sorry for being so absent and cheh.. and if any of my previous entries worried anyone sorry for that too. I'm fine just.. taking a close look at who i can trust and who are REALLY my friends. Oh happy happy times! ;P But yeah over all i'm happier than i was a few weeks back! So that's good! =D

It's been a while since i was last online here, for lots of reasons old, new and recurring. Life is going alright for me it has it's ups and it's downs as usual but it's been a good couple of weeks since i've had any major downs (the ones that make you just want to curl up and die.)! Which is good and i'm feeling better in myself.. although i think i'm looking a bit podgy =/ more time at the gym me thinks! XD There are still things going on in my head that mess me about sometimes.. nothing serious just my own paranoia and uncertainty but i'm beginning to get to grips with that and accepting that's just how i am and there's nothing i can do about it except accept it and live with it.
Despite that i'm still feeling quite fed up at the moment, my life is so stagnent and i'm loosing my trust in everyone. Maybe i'm happier becuase i'm caring less and less about the people around me. I'm not doing it to be horrible it's just.. stuff. Like the fact a bunch of people are being REALLY two faced around me, acting like my friends and then talking behind my back or being really different with me when i'm with people compared to when i'm alone with them. Tbh i cba with any of it. I'm fed up of people thinking it's okay to just treat me however they like and that they can say what they want coz what i feel and think doesn't matter.
I'm fed up of trying my hardest to reach the goals i want to reach and people actually looking down on me becuase of it. I'm fed up of all the lying and crap and people thinking that it's cool to be complete dicks and giving me dark looks because i actually want to achieve something with my life. I'm also fed up of people expecting me to understand why they do things and accept it without a question and carry on smiling as if i'm okay with it. I'm not okay with it, with any of it.
Gah appart from that i'm completely fine! XD lol. Anywho engineering is going well and i am LOVING it!! seriously it's fun and to actually have Toyota excited about it and stuff.. it's so awesome!! English is still boring as hell but all my other lessons are going well and i'm having fun! I'm really pleased with my art and stuff!! X3 So yeah mixed bag but i'm just thinking of it as a year and a half and then i can do what i really want to do!!

oh gosh.. i'm mega awesome supper tired.. not sure which i find more wearing, juggling five subjects and no social life or 4 subjects and a social life.. it's really close.. XD
Yeah i dropped physics. I decided over the weekend partly becuase of beki (thank you for that! I need something to force me to sort out my priorities.. just didn't expect that kinda thing! =P lol) and partly becuase of saturday and how good it felt to have fun with friends again. And believe me it's been a long time since i last let go of my stress and went and hung out with mates without getting drink involved. I know i hung out with Beki and Amz on my birthday a week and a bit ago but i got quite pissed to stop myself stressing over having fun and that is not right at all. So cheh, i feel less stressed out now i have one free a day to do homework and more free time. ^_^

Still it's not been a complete release, there is always the part of me that hates myself for giving up no matter how much pain it was causing me to carry on forcing myself to the point of exhaustion each week. Yesterday was really good i was really really happy becuase i made a decision and i hung out with my friends and i talked to beki and went to bed thinking life is great. Today it's wearing off.. I think i must have slept really badly last night, i woke up.. not tired exactly but really light headed.. i have no idea how i managed to get up and turn my alarm off i felt like i was floating and i was really dizzy. Then i showered and i was starving.. i had breakfast but five minutes later i was hungry again.. now.. well i sat down on the sofa and i really struggled to get up again and now i have got up i'm sitting around in a strap top, there's no heating on or anything i just felt boiling.. i think i might be coming down with something..
I've felt like puking all weekend whenever i've eaten too.. I can't tell if i'm slightly feverish or just too warm.. but i feel like i should be freezing.. o_O Anyways.. cheh.. I dunno.. i'm still very up down.. i'm quite fed up of feeling really happy and then really crap the next day of waking up feeling angry as hell and going to sleep thinking that one day i'll open my eyes and everything will be gone.. it's so odd..
Like my reaction to Beki going in to hospital.. when i heard i was really shocked and shaken, then the next day i was really angry at her and wondered if we were really friends, if i really knew her or if it would be better if i just disappeared from her life and by monday i was over it completely.. i mean totally over it to the point i kinda find it funny.. i'm sure it's not normal to have an emotional reaction that is about 5 times faster than everyone elses.. Anyways dinner..
Tarrah! Love you all! xxx

Ahh lol! Good day today went shopping with my mum and she got me some nice stuff!! ^_^ *ish happy coz i like shopping* Then i met up with Josh and Amz.. which was fun.. Amz breast raped me till i agreed to let them both come back to mine for a bit! XD
Yeah we just sat around watching TV and Amz figured out the sky plus controller and it was funny! XD XD Ah man.. i laughed so much.. Josh and Amz sat on me and tickled my feet >.< It was horrible.. then we were adding Yu Gi to the start of words and MON! to the end! XD It was really retarded.. and i kept calling them by the wrong names.. but cheh! Good day.. i haven't been out like that for ages.

okay i read the entry, it didn't help.. pretty much a knife in the heart. But at least i did it.

Those of you who have heard will know what this is about.

I feel so empty and shocked. I'm just shaking and crying and worst of all i feel so useless and guilty and angry. I don't know. I just don't know.

There's no use going into details. I just have one thing to say:

Beki: I am so so so sorry. For not being there, for everything. (right now i could either hug you or hit you.. or both! Just.. carry on. That's it, all my great advice boils down to carry on. You're strong, you're tough and you have me (and about a million other people as well)) So yeah. I love you as a sister, as much as either of my brothers. Anyway we'll talk.

Yes diary... finally it must have been about a week o_o

and you know what? No real change.. there's going to be no ramble or real update. Just a reason, a reason that may or may not explain why i'm not going to be writing much.. not sure for how long, could be a week could be a year.

The reason is:
I have no motivation... i get up.. i go to school. I feel tired and sick ALL the time. I find it difficult to get up on weekends. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to go out and i sure as hell don't want to talk about it.

There you go. I may be on from time to time but don't expect anything. Most likely i'll come online for 2 seconds.. then go RP. Treat this as my ET "sick note".

/even less will to live.

Soooo tired... addicted to manga.. after this chapter i'm going to bed. Coz i am so tired it feels like i'm not really here anymore.. bleh i'm messed up and confused too.. i'd like to have a face to face talk with someone.. well a guy really, a guy i'm just friends with but i don't know anyone who i'd be prepared to open up to enough to talk about stuff. Stuff i need a guy to hear and give me an opinion on.. >.< Bleh so much crap in my head.. and failing school... and i'm just going to go die now...

/no will to live

I got over last night's hyperness.. mostly.. school was fine but boring.. didn't do that well on my pure maths or electricity physics.. =___= I'm beginning to think i'm destined to fail them all. I saw my physics teacher and i'm going to see her thursday lunch for some extra help. Plus my mum got me a physics revision guide so i'm going to read through that and see how much correcting i can do on my own (test wise) I should have my test somewhere.. =/ I'm going to read through all the topics we've covered so far and see if it helps.
So cheh.. busy though i'm shattered and it's only monday. >.< I can't believe i have 4 more days to go before a break again. *sigh* I'm in bed now.. i got lazy.. plus no homework yet so i should have some time to look at physics and art after dinner!! Thats all for the moment i think.. i feel so drained... ;_;

Finally!! I can go to bed!! *dances* I reached the end of a chapter of lovely Complex that isn't a cliff hanger.. wish i could stay up all night reading it.. but i'll flunk out if i do so i'm being good and taking my mad self to bed now!! tarrah!

*waves* sleep well everyone! :3