Oh god Amz's screen name just reminded me...
last night i went to Pentre to support Zebedee Sez in the first round of battle of the bands! (they won) anyways Amz, Josh, Matt, Elissa, Katrina, Gem, Holly.. basically the whole crew were there and i had 3 bottles of Pepsi and got really hyper.. zomg the zebedee pit was so funny i lost my shoe within 2 seconds of jumping in! XD
Me: "Ah laura i've lost my shoe" *points to foot with only sock on*
Laura: *bends down and takes my other shoe and starts waving it in the air*
Me: LOL *finds other shoe and joins in*
It was so random.. Laura is Vena Cava's guitarist, she's really good and i'm going to support her in Vena Cava's heat next week! <3
Anyways it finished at 10:30 and my mum was picking me Amz and josh up at 11 so we were sitting outside.. both me and Amz sober but hyper as hell and Gem was really hyper too.. XD
Amz: Fwapfwapfwap (can't remember why she was doing that)
Me: That sounds like the sound that an orange would make *puts arms around head to make a vague orange shape* FWAPFWAPFWAPFW
Amz: What kind of orange makes that sort of sound?
Me: *shrugs*
Amz, me and Gem piss ourselves laughing!
Then me and Amz did the orange army thing everytime someone came out the door.
Gem: (later on after about 10 minutes of fwapping) I could just see an army of Alex's taking over the world like that! XD (that's now my plan!)
Then:
Me: (messing with my hair...) Hay Amz i have bed hair... no wait.. I have Bed hair *winks*
Amz: lol
Me: yeah it's like when you've been in a tent and you come out in the morning and go: I woke up this morning and i had Sleeping bag hair!
Amz: Or PUBIC HAIR!!!!
Me: yeah lol "mum i woke up this morning and i have Pubic hair and then i went to bed this afternoon and it was gone!! :o"
Me and Amz piss ourselves laughing and started yelling it at everyone.. then my mum phoned to tell me she was parked round the corner and i answered by accident and yelled it at her! XD
oh yeah and me and Gem had been talking earlier about funerals and we decided that when i died i was going to have a wake 7 days before my funeral and at the wake half way through my body was going to be catapulted out of the coffin and a freaky voice was going to say "seven days"!! XD
Oh and when Josh dies we're selotaping a light saber to his hand and making his corpse sit up at the funeral while we play the starwars theme. He has no say in it because he'll be dead.
lol and my dad has said he leaves the arrangements of his funeral to me and the boys when he dies... oh dear!!! XD
AHHH just over a week left of the holidays and i'm beginning to stress out ALOT! I have to revise english, Chemistry and Maths and complete AO1, 2 and 3 for my art exam and i have a coursework essay and commentary to write for english too.. plus past papers in chem and maths to complete for the first day back!!! *pulls out hair* the reason i'm stressing so much is because i have my exam time table and my exams start in under 2 months ;_; i want to get straight A's so much that i'm going to be impossible to live with till the exams are over! XD XD
I'm staying up all night to get some work done i think (might grab a few hours sleep) and there's other stuff too but i said i wasn't going to bring my personal life into this anymore so i'm not! =P Anywho i believe in fate and what will be will be. That goes for exams and everything else too... i'm into super swot mode now!! watch out!!
BACK!!! hahahahahaha! yeah France was sooo awesome i had the best time ever and i want to go back just me and a friend or two.. i'm going to save up so i can go next year! X3 yeah!!! CBA saying much here really.. hopefully i'll get some photos up here from me and Amz's photo shoot and from Paris.. got school work to do.. and revision.. bleh bring on the summer hols! At least i'm happy at the moment! ^_^ LOVING LIFE!!!! XD
Bah i am a lazy cow! XD it is official!! got addicted to B&W last night and spent an hour trying to find sheep when i should have been sleeping <_< LOL! Also addicted to SSX on tour again.. which i restarted on my Brother's mem card coz we lost the other one somewhere in the XBox 360, Game Cube, PS2 and TV wiring.. yeah they are ALL plugged in to something.. the TV and the sockets for teh electricity supply i think... but o_o Anyways i made Amature in like 2 hours *ish proud* and that is where my morning this morning went and is also the reason i have a blister on my thumb.. LOL! Yeah i got too addicted to 10 minute trick of sessions.. i don't like the races.. they annoy me but i love the trick competitions and challenges! x3
Anyways enough abaout video games.. i also did some maths revision.. although i'm going to do a heck of a lot more this evening after dinner coz i need to have all my C1 notes written up to do some revision in Paris.. and i need to look at my art and make an action plan annnnd oh yeah.. pack.. which takes AGES as i have to co-ordinate outfits and make up and washing stuff and decide what will explode if it goes in the hold and find out what we're allowed in hand luggage becuase the security might decide we're terrorists! XD
We had the most random conversation last night at dinner.. me and my family because my parents had been writting their will just before we ate! Then my mum and lewis and dad and me had some wine. I had about 2 glasses which was fine.. my mum had far too much and started slurring and muddling her letters and my brother (who is 12) went crazy hyper on us and found everything hysterical. So we were talking about death and wills while my mum was slurring everything and my brother was laughing at everything... funniest conversation EVER!! I just pissed myself laughing for an hour and a half! XD XD
Oh yeah and we've got rid of my 15 year old brother as he's gone to austria skiing *jealous* it's so quiet i can hardly believe it!! Bless him he's so big.. so he's also loud and takes up lots of space.. but we love him! XD So yeah weeird..
I also need to plan my easter hols a bit more.. becuase i have Matt's birthday thing, 2 pentre trips to support bands who's members i know, Paris and a poker night. I also have to do a LARGE amount of revision and finish my art and anything else that comes my way =___= BLEH!! So i might do that tonight. Along with the revision! JOY! XD
Ah well i'm having a pretty good holiday at the moment. Enjoying being lazy but i'll get my act together from here on in. yeah.. anyways dinner soon and i'm starving so turrah!!!
xxx
rawr rawr rawr rawr.. yeah there was no point to that! =D anywho.. so far today has been lazy but the afternoon is going to be a bit more busy.
I want to start my maths revision as i got my exam timetable yesterday... =___= bleh.. and i have to tidy my room and organise (and find) all this years subject notes.
My mother is bombarding me with Paris stuff.. apparently we need an itinery (however you spell that) My dad's with us Sunday, Monday and Wednesday but has to go to do a work presentation on Tuesday. Him having a pretty high profile job is good and all but it's times like these it bugs me.. the first time we're getting to spend more than 2 days as a family (ish) he gets called away on business. He refused about 4 times but in the end he was told he HAD to be there. On the plus side his work have said they'll pay for a nice day out for us.. which pretty much means we can do whatever we want no matter how much it costs and they'll pay! yay! ^^ And my dad's boss's boss sent my mum a really pretty flower boquet.. a proper expensive one! :o With a card apologising and telling us that my dad is a vitally important to the meeting blah blah blah... lol
So yeah... still it's paris and i've never been before and i'm mega excited!!
I'm also going to try and finish some of my writing this holiday.. i may not but.. *shrugs* i'll try!
HAHAHAHA! And you thought i was a diary whore.. first entry for a week! Yeah =P And guess what? I cba so i'm not going to tell you anything much!! Isn't that good? I'm fed up of writing everything online anyways.. anything important i will write on word or in pen!! So HA to you all! XP Okay so a quick run down of my week:
Thursday: PENTRE was so much fun!! Haven't been out chilling without drink for a while. Josh came back for food and we had a beer each and yeah!! =D It was fuuuun!!! Bands were good! Lots of people i know there and yeah!!! ^_^
Friday: SHOPPING!! got myself some new vans and a pair of high tops with Deer on them X3 So cute!! X3 X3 lol and a new bag from Tog 24 so i don't have to carry my school bag and 2 plastic bags full of stuff with me.
Saturday: Got my hair cut!! Mullet/70's rock sorta style and met Amz in town. We had a bit to drink, played on the PS2, did a photo shoot of me as a bloody corpse and yeah had a good time!! It was amazing fun except that she woke up at 7am and wouldn't leave me alone till i got up too! XD It was hilarious!!
Sunday: we just lazed around then Amz went home and i went back to bed! SUPERNATURAL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!! it was hilarious!! <3 that episode.
Monday: Lol school.. normal.. not many lessons and Dan and Mark both thought i looked Japanese with my new hair! XD Dan said i looked like Myv which is a great compliment in my books!
Tuesday: Parents evening!!! Pretty good all the teachers said what i expected them to... hard worker, should get A's needs to revise more.. that's my half term sorted.
Today: Miss Batten decided me and Beki had to sort things out.. so we talked.. and it went okay.. no yelling or throwing of objects.. but meh.. just see how it goes i guess. It's not going to be the same as before.. but *shrugs* it's kinda a friendship on probation! XD Ahh english was AMAZING i was so glad i went and didn't come home early. I had nothing to do so i went to sit next to Sam.. Izzy was actually Civil to me and she seems to be alright now we're in 6th form. We had to fill out this questionnaire about crime and the media and me and sam both had to circle "yes" to the criminal conviction question! XD Which led to half an hour of talking about how/why and when we got arrested! XD lol and Liam kept turning around and giving us wide-eyed ZOMG! looks! XD Yeah and then we decided i was going to come support Sam's band at pentre during battle of the bands. I'm going to support Cross (with Zebedee) A week tomorrow and matt's thing a week on friday so yeah!! Paris in 3 days!! i can't wait!!! =D Good couple of weeks ahead! I'm enjoying school alot at the moment! I'm just generally very happy and i hope to stay very happy!!! =D wooooo
LOL the plans for Amz's have got more complex! XD but it sounds like it's going to be awesome fun!! I'm really excited about it!! XD Yeah i feel very mellow at the moment.. i haven't drunk anything think it's more sleep deprivation than anything else!!! XD Ah well i should go do some work... meh later!
Going to be windy again tonight... if i get woken up... i am going to be impossible to live with tomorrow! I still have a horrible cold... >.< But meh... looks like Amz's on saturday is going ahead! yay!! ^_^ we don't have much plans.. casual drink (actually casual this time), poker and chester on sunday =3 we want to get jobs! *nods* aye we do!
So yeah i got a ton of work though and today has been a very strange day.. everyone has been asking me why me and beki aren't speaking.. it's almost been 3 weeks since we were last on talking terms so why is everyone bothered by it today. Anyways i'm not going in to details i just wish ruth would leave it alone.
Bleh school work =___= i have a chemistry practical tomorrow! Which is pretty much a skive for 2 hours! XD so yeah.. still can't wait for the easter holidays i'm so tired and ill feeling and just ready to get on sorting out my notes and revise for exams and then just get on with having fun over the summer!! *dances* yay!!!
RAWR!! I be suffering from teenage mood swings... or just moody teenager syndrome.. >.< I BE GRUMPY!!! And if i get woken up tonight at ANY point there will be killings tomorrow.. unplanned and random killing of whoever annoys me first! lol.. that's my public service announcement for today! XD
Anywho yeah.. the grumpyness comes from being woken up at about 3am and kept awake for an hour and a half by the wind and rain >.< Then i slept through my alarm.. school was alright but i was shattered by the time i got home and just as i was falling asleep on the sofa my mother decides dinner is ready >.< lol yeah...
School was good today! Played poker =3 which i luff! <3 And yeah.. good lessons.. only english lit.. we have our exam on 16th May and we've only covered 1 out of 3 exam texts.. anyone want to say fail?? yeah and i'm pissed off because all of our english department are ill or pregnant or something which means we have no teachers and i want my 4 As at AS level otherwise all dreams of Cambridge are gone and how on earth can i get an A in an exam when we haven't even studied all the material!!! So yeah.. i'm slightly stressed out. Starting my revision soon too and my Art exam has begun... it's that time of year again! :o
Today was fun! lol speant my free and lunch doing art with Amz which was goood! I got all my work handed in.. i'll still have some stuff to do after the exam but for now i'm just concentrating on my exam question! Yeah.. i need to sort out some revision notes for stuff too... hmm oh.. i need to go clean out the pets so i'll talk later!! brb!
Im due for a miracle... Im waiting for a sign says:
and dont let this shit get to you, listen to me when i say this,
Im due for a miracle... Im waiting for a sign says:
your doing fine kiddo, and there is nothing you can be doing right now that is half as bad as the fact you are doubting yourself :)
Im due for a miracle... Im waiting for a sign says:
your a winner and a strong one at that, now sleep tight x
Jim you are my angel <3 I would be long gone by now if not for you.. thanks darling! For saying all the right things at the right time!!
Not much to say really.. good weekend mostly.. makes me realise how much i love my family <3 and spoke to Amz.. which made me lol! XD I ran out of texts this weekend (friday actually) so i've had to phone everyone that's texted me a question >.< which is annoying because i don't like phones all that much.. although i like them better that i used to! XD Anyways Chester was good i'll talk more about it tomorrow, it was nice chatting to Josh and just hanging out with him. He's got his head screwed on right and he's sorted himself out which is good! ^_^ So yeah.. weekend was gooood and now i am going to finish my art coursework for tomorrow! *dances*
I'm watching some crap on TV... which i'm only watching coz i'd promise Amy i'd log on and see if beki had posted anything else on here.. and it's background noise. I'm glad She's alright (beki i mean) and that she got Amy's text, she needs someone there and seeming as i've failed at all my attempts to be a good friend i made sure Amz knew so Beki had someone there. It's about all i CAN do anymore.
Anyways Holly's having a tough time too.. ;_; seems like this year all my friends lives are falling appart.. everywhere i turn i see my friends destroying their lives, disappearing.. dying.. committing suicide. People wonder why i trust no one.. well maybe it's not becuase i'm paranoid. Maybe it's the same reason i can't hold down a relationship.. becuase i'm afraid of getting hurt. Ugh... I think i'm going to bed soon.. i have some things to do this weekend. I think i'm going to go to chester on my own. That way i can get what i need look around and not worry about being that flawless perfect person everyone seems to want me to be. I know they never say it.. but i also know that's what my friends and family need of me. They need someone to talk to who can deal with everything, someone without issues. So i'll be that person. Because in the end my life has never been lived for me.. my life has always been in the hands of my friends and family. If they're not happy i'm not happy and now i've figured out what i want to do with my life.. figured out short term how i'm going to cope i think that finally i can be the person everyone needs. I'm strong, I'm not going to break, I'm not going to give in. That's it really just wanted people to know i'm around and i want to help them in any way i can. And i will help them even if it's only in small ways like making sure there is someone there for them, or giving them a hug.
Oh yeah.. another thing.. MY BOOKS ARRIVED!! SCORE!!! i read volume 4. of I.N.V.U in about an hour when i got in from school... books make me so happy! *squee* and with that i'm off to read.. i have a pile of books about 12 books high next to my bed becuase i have run out of shelf space.. already... o_o
I've been thinking alot today, about everything in my life, about myself, about what's happened to me recently and how confused and alone i've felt since starting 6th form. I almost wish i'd given it more thought, take my gap year this year instead of at the end on 6th form. I've made so many worng choices so far this year, ive fucked up alot more than i ever thought was possible. I don't deserve forgiveness or sympathy. Not for what i've put my friends and family through, not for not being strong enough to hold myself together, not for letting the mask slip. My parents look at me odd now, my mum keeps touching me as if she expects me to disappear at any moment. On sunday they thought i was actually going to kill myself. My family don't even think i can cope with life and that makes me so angry and upset.
But i've made a couple of decisionss today. I've decided that i have to stop drinking, anything because what happened on saturday was my way of having a complete break down. Until i can sort my life out i don't trust my self to drink anything. Because once i start drinking i realise how good it feels to forget, to feel as out of control of myself as i feel i am of my life. Strange thing to want isn't it? To want to lose control completely.. but i long for it.. i'm never one to do things by halves and as my life spirals out of control i find that that is exactly what i want my life to do too.
The second decision i have made is to get a paper diary, which i did at lunch. I need somewhere to record my aims and ambitions, to put down my odd thoughts. I just feel like i need to commit to paper what i intend to do so i have motivation to do it.
The third thing is to put my all into my school work, i want to pass so i will do all my homework as soon as possible, make detailed revision notes, organise my work and try my hardest at everything.
Fourth is to get a job and take up some hobbies, so there are other areas to my life than school. I want to learn guitar, go back to horse riding and the gym. At least 3 times a week at the gym to help relieve stress.
I've been thinking alot today and what i've realised is that letting go of my self-control made things 10 times worse so the only way to move forward is to stop and take control of the things i can control. I can control what i drink, school work, exercise and how i feel about my life. My parents have always said: "People don't annoy you, you choose to get annoyed" so on that principle i am LETTING life get me down and i'm fed up of it. I'm so close to throwing away my whole future by sitting around going "It's not my fault.." well it bloody is my fault and i'm bloody going to fix it!!
With this new philosophy in place i had a really good day at school! Free first which i speant playing poker with chad, aled, matt, cross and wilson (i'm addicted to poker now! X3) I came 3rd.. Aled and Wilson lost! Cross won.. then 2nd i went and got my art exam paper and miss said i could go "research" it if i wanted.. guess what? Ended up playing cards with Toni, Wilson and Chad for the whole hour! XD fail!! English was boring except for Rach and Elissa's conversation (on paper) about Mr Jones' underwear.. o_o disturbing but hysterical.. and i think i can get my coursework done for his class really easily which is good! Chemistry was average.. nothing to talk about really..
Maths.. ZOMG!! maths.. it was so funny.. i wasn't in yesterday so i had no idea what we were meant to be doing.. and i payed no attention! XD I was too busy watching Aled and Mark break everything in their pencil cases.. and Mark bent Aled's calculator which was so funny.. but you probably had to be there! The last 5 minutes were the funniest!
aled: Get your big one out Mark! (he meant his jumbo multi-coloured pencil)
Me and Mark: *piss ourselves laughing and mark gets the pencil out*
Aled: ahh wow can i touch it?
Mark: yeah... *realises what he said and pisses himself laughing*
Me: *already choking to death with laughter*
Teacher: *ignores us*
XD XD XD XD XD ah it was amazing!!
So yeah that was my day! Went to town at lunch to put some money in the bank (i'm no longer broke!!) but i'm going to save up for my BOA ticket and enough money to have a bit of a shopping spree in chester sometime. Yeah BOA is on the cards again, Haz is going and my mum is fine with me going with her and her boyfriend Gwyn, and whoever else decides to join us nearer the time.
In other news i have no idea what's going on with Beki and Amy.. as far as i can tell they don't want me around and that's fine.. but Ruth's giving me another story so i'm like o_o wtf??? But yeah whatever happens with that *shrugs* i'm happy, for the first time in months i am content with what i've got and now i'm ready to stop lying down and crying and start fighting. Coz i've always been a fighter and always will be! I just lost my way for a bit then!
Anywho ALEX IS BACK!! \m/ and i'm going to kick some ass! =P
Well i figure out what i want to do. Leave. I want to go abroad and learn another language and do the international Bac. But that isn't going to happen so i'm deciding to take hold of my life and make the best out of what i've got. Which is quite alot, i have loads of friends, i have a brilliant family, i am fairly clever and capable of doing well at school and that is what i intend to do! I think i am going to Yale next year, as i've said before i need a change, need to get away from the Alun. I've loved my time there but it's time to move on. I'm no longer on the same wavelength as my best friend and i agree with her, it's time we both let go. We're both just hurting each other and i've felt for the last couple of weeks she just wants to be friends with Amy without me being in the way. I accept that and i just want to say to her that i am sorry if i've said or done anything to hurt her, she should know by now that is never my intention. I also just want her to be happy, it's all i've ever wanted and i can't handle the fact that i want that so much for her that it is tearing me apart piece by piece. And i'm still so fucked up that i can't let anyone know that, that i can't let go of the smile.. anyways i'll continue this after school because right now i feel like loosing it and crying and shouting but i don't want my friends to see me like that and i have to leave for school in about 2 minutes. So yeah.
Bleh, wasn't in school today.. i was ill ;_; still am tbh but i'll probably come in tomorrow.. I have no idea what's up with me.. i woke up this morning and felt like chucking up.. that's gone away but now i have a headache and i fell really achey and just.. crap. I dunno.. I've also been getting alot of pains, like sharp stabbing pain but not in one iscolated place. I've had it in my left side near my hip, along my right side and really tight squeezing pain in my chest.. i've no idea what's going on.. and i should probably see a doctor.. but i hate them so i won't!
Apart from that Wrexham was fun last night! Me and mark went to watch cross's band playing, Josh was meant to come too, he made a load of excuses but i think he just couldn't be bothered! XP his loss!! It was really fun, we hung around chatted about stuff!! It was good and all of cross's band were really nice!!! So cheh! Had alot of fun! =D Schools been better recently but i still want to do something else.. i don't know what.. i asked my mum if i could do A levels at home next year but the open university courses don't match up with uni application >.< so i don't know i might go to a college in Wrexham next year, meet some new people. It'd just be to make next year more interesting! Anyways i don't know what i'll do.. just have to concentrate on school work and homework and all the other stuff that's going on in my life. Once i've done my AS levels then i'll think about stuff. If i had the choice i would go abroad somewhere for a year or two to do school and pick up another language.. well i will be 18 next year so it could be a possibility! Anywho i should get back to this engineering report that's due in tomorrow =/
Oh yeah and the toyota meeting went amazing! I was trying not to piss myself laughing becuase the Japanese guy made this amazing sound every time the magnets picked up some iron.. cheh =D And they told us to get it patented or they would :o so they obviously liked our ideas! Liked it enough to steal it anyways! XD Hopefully we'll win some prizes at the competition!! yay!!
LOL we had an earthquake!! XD XD XD and guess what? I slept right through it! XD XD
And my pc is acting up.. it's deciding to ignore half the screen that is actually there! o_o Annnd.. dunno that's it really.. except i'm going to a gig in Wrexham tonight so i won't be online probs. and i got a meeting with some important toyota people today =/. Oh yeah and i've got a english proposal and engineering report to finish!! AHHH!! And my art coursework is due in monday.. zomg.. i can't wait to get to uni!!!
I'm planning for the summer now! Trips to Kent, Bristol and Cornwall are on the table, BOA of course! And i have no idea apart from that.. if it's nice i might go on a 3 day hike thing seeming as i'm missing camp ;_;!! But i guess i am getting to go to a boarding fest and surfing in cornwall (hot guys ftw! (well i hope so anyways!)) Anywho better get offline before i miss my bus :o tarrah!
Oh bleh!! I'm all shivery! o_o lol!! XD
Quick run down of the weekend:
Went to Amy's got very pissed ended up in hospital (i really really hate hospitals) can't remember much except realising i was in a hosital and majorly kicking off.
Got home about 4am and got woken up at 9 to go to manchester, i was still slightly pissed at this point and my balance was a bit fucked!
Got home from Manchester got arrested (for assulting a policeman while in the hospital (yes i freaked out that much! Did i mention i can't stand hospitals =P)) and got released with an £80 drunk and disorderly charge.
Oh yeah tried to phone beki 4 times, left a message did she phone me or text me even once to tell me she had my stuff or ask if i was ok? That's a no, nice to know she cares.
Anyways school on monday was amazingly fun! XD Everyone knew because they'd all been told before i got there but it wasn't too bad coz most of them just laughed, took the piss or looked shocked for about 2 seconds! XD. I skipped 2nd lesson (coz it was english and boring as hell) and met up with ruth in the libary, we got chucked out for playing bullshit! XD So we played outside!! Then at lunch played more bullshit!! And in my 4th free played go fish, chase the ace and snap (which gave Aled a messed up thumb!).
Today was pretty boring except for the hilarious arguement that ended up involving everyone about where leeds was and who would get there first if we all walked in the directions we thought it was! (i won!) lol yeah and i played texas hold em poker 1st lesson.. and lost.. although an hour wasn't enough time to finish the game!! =( So anyways yeah i better go and do what i'm meant to be doing and write this engineering report and english thingy.. *sigh* school work is never over and done with!
Tarrah for now! xxx
lol all the people who have looked at my house recently are people who watch my diary! :o figures!!
And in other news our teachers are corrupt and will accept food instead of money (for past papers and stuff) and homework! I love my school so much.. it's sad to think i'll be leaving in a year and a half and that part of my life will be over forever ;_; Despite all the downs i will always remember school with a smile! And everyone i know from school coz admittedly you all rock my socks!
Oh gosh.. there is so much i want to say here but i don't know if i can, i don't want to hurt anyone by being honest but i'm fed up of lying to myself and my friends too. There are alot of sorry's to be said and alot of thank you's too. Yeah i'm aware that most of the people reading this at the moment will be like wtf? and i want to explain more than anything... I could so easily pour out my soul right now so everyone can know what's been going on in my head.. but then i wonder if that's fair. The truth can hurt alot of people.. and there are some things i think should only be said to the people they involve directly. *headdesk headdesk* I'm so confused at the moment..
Today was such a good day as well! I wasn't sure about school coz i knew loads of people weren't going to be in but it turned out really good! I had a free first that i spent with Holly, Ryan and Josh. I hadn't spoken to Holly in ages but we hugged, said a few words and that was it! Everything seemed alot brighter, it seems strange that such a small thing could make such a difference, but people who know me well may understand it. I'm the kind of person who would rather push people away and make them think we've drifted appart than let them get close to me. I see it as a weakness to show emotion, which is why those of you who read this and see me at school may think there are two different people. Coz at school i try and always smile, i put on an act that makes me seem like a happy person ALL the time but when i get home, half the time, the charade falls appart and i feel like a really young child again. Alone, Upset and Clueless. Anyways that's kinda off the point, the thing is i've just realised i've been poisoning myself against my friends. Telling myself that they don't want me as a friend anymore, that they don't need me and i really don't need them. Twisted huh? I've always been paranoid, i don't think it would be a lie for me to say i've never trusted any of my friends, not even my closest friends. I see everyone as usuing me, i expect them to lie to me, to fuck me about i don't know why. I've always been like that but it wasnt until i started talking to Holly this morning that i realised that without noticing since i'd moved up to 6th form i've been (perhaps actively) drifting apart from my close friends and making friends with new people. Doesn't sound too bad like that but to me it's a realisation that i am so paranoid and twisted that i won't let anyone near, i'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone in the world who actually has any idea who i am, if i even know who i am. There are so many masks, so many different sides of me. I can remember when i was as young as 9 crying my eyes out before school but wiping away the tears and practicing in the car on the way to school a smile that would look real to my friends. So they wouldn't know i'd been upset. I guess i've got so good at it now i'm even smiling that fake smile to myself. Good to know.
Anyway after that i felt happier and more chilled out than i had for a long time, i felt contented, more than happy to be at school. Art was quiet but i'm almost finished my final piece which is excellent! English was boring but we've got our new 2nd exam text and it looks really interesting so i'm going to read it tonight! I'm also going to do a coursework preposal because i want to do a different topic to the one Mr Jones wants me to do! Hopefully i'll get most of my work done tonight and i can lie in tomorrow and then do the car and go to Amz's! (i will stay sober!) At lunch we had a meeting with Simon Jones (out toyota engineer) and a DRB guy called Patrich who draws up 3D digital designs for machines companies want to make. He's done deisgns for roundtree's and for Kellogs so his company are pretty big in the world of business! And he's being payed by Toyota to do a 3D drawing of what we want our prototype to turn into!! Toyota are also sending over two guys who are the highest rank in terms of British Toyota, one who reports to Toyota japan, to meet our engineering team and talk to us, see our prototype and stuff (=/). If we impress them they're talking about taking our idea further and actually making it part of their factory systems!! If they do they want us to help them with it too! So that the design will be COMPLETELY ours. I never thought when i became part of this that it would become so massive!! It's really exciting! Our design could go world wide and to think this is all part of some Welsh engineering scheme, a school competition! I've had so much fun too that i'm really considering being an engineer or something like that! I love the problem solving and stuff! Ahh it makes me so happy! ^_^
Then chemistry (which was funny!) and maths and home!! Pretty chilled out and cool day! (lol talk about bipolar diary entries!!) Anyways better get started on this work load.. after i've answered my messages, don't want them to build up again! XD
Oh yeah and thanks to everyone here for putting up with me and sorry for the same reasons too! Big thanks and hugs to Jim becuase he's kept me sane, listened and given great advice, he's made me feel like i am worth something! X3 Thanks also to all my RL and online friends from other places. And sorry to everyone, for not being around, for pushing you away and for all the pretending. I love you all *hugs*