waaaa!! I got my second daily poet feature today!! ^_^ one more and i get another colourful badge!! yayz!! *dances* hmm i'm thinking of making a staff application after my AS exams, what do you think? Would i make a good staff member?
Anywho yes working on art still =___= gotta go get some supplies tomorrow! :o lol and i have to see if i have any mounting paper.. just cutting out at the moment *yawn* lol
It's been a tough old week but then i guess i always knew getting back to school would be. Not only has it really hit home that the most important exams i may ever take are in six weeks but i have my art exam on wednesday, which i'm not really prepared for. English coursework has to be completed and handed in, there are revision sessions pretty much everday and some people i'm pretty close to will be taking their A levels and leaving school next year ;_;. Then there's the whole family and friends thing, i don't know where i stand with any of them. Because i've been an idiot my parents don't trust me and tbh i need them to trust me. I don't like having them looking at me and thinking that what i say is never the truth, that i don't keep my word. I made the biggest mistake of my life. But i'm not going to let it happen again, it cost me far far too much.
Friends... well lets see.. i have lots of good friends but i'm not really close to any of them, the only person i was close to it feels like i'm at war with them. Between us we've fucked things up pretty bad and i'm not sure i want to go back.. but i can't tell what's worse.. how i feel now or how i felt back then when things were "good". *shrugs* there's always shit to be dealt with i guess. Things change, people change. I'm prepared to admit these sorta things now, prepared to talk about it. I've been putting on the tough devil can't harm me act all week and that's partly becuase there ARE things i can't talk about with alot of people, for various reasons but i CAN admit my mistakes and the fact that the situation i am in right now is mainly my fault. And i've got to sort it, and myself out. So if i'm not online much it's because i'm working my ass off for 4 A grades that i really really want.
Yesterday was a pretty great day, the reason behind most of this "self confession" bit at the start. I speant first period with [Atayemi] as we both had frees. We used to spend quite a bit of time together as we had 3 hours of drama together a week but now we don't have any lessons together we've drifted apart. But it was alot of fun! ^_^ when we spend time together we still get on amazingly well and we have so many plans for the manga con!! I'm excited as hell about it now!! *dances* i have most of my costume too!! (Going as shuichi from gravi!) Anyways yeah. I got Atay her hat for her costume too! ^_^
Most of my lessons were boooring.. played poker at lunch though, that was good and Viper phoned me o_o which was surprising!! He said i sounded depressed when i answered the phone but it was more that i was really surprised!! XD
Yeah then at the end of school i got on the bus with Tanz, Mark, Dan and Gem and went to Amz's house. She wasn't in school so she made me pick up her paper for her art work (which weighed a ton) and i ended up looking like a bag lady!! XD Anyways Amz's was GREAT!
We both stayed sober but meh.. we were hyper as hell instead! We watched Saiyuke Reloded.. pissed myself laughing at their gay english dub voices and the cat episode!! Then we decided to make frozen yougart and surprisingly it worked AND was really nice!!! (anyone whho knows us knows our cooking fails mostly!!) We had pizza and chips for dinner and then amz made my arm into a cast using some plaster of paris we stole from art!! <_< It was hilarious coz i looked like i had a stump!! Yeah getting it off was just as funny.. Amz had a pair of sissors and a knife and was hacking at it to get it off while i was laughing and trying to move my arm a bit so she didn't gauge me!! We realised at that point that we are a dangerous pair when we're sober.. last time i was sober at hers she dropped a knife on my hand and i stabbed myself in the foot and this time she nearly gouged a chunk out my arm with the sissors!! XD Yeah and then we were just on the pc looking on cosplay.com and searching google for pictures of the twins and ouran quizes to do.. i kept having spaz attacks over pitures!! Then randomly i decided to dub the CD we were listening to but i wasn't paying attention so i was getting all the lyrics wrong while Amz just sat their laughing her ass off at me! XD Ahh we were meant to have done art.. but we failed and my dad came to pick me up at 10:30 but he followed my mum's directions and went to the wrong house and woke an old woman up! XD Which Amz's parents found hilarious. Got home and sat in my bed with the hoosiers on watching saiyuki till about 2am!! XD so yeah!! now i need to go get on with some of my own art work!! tarrah!! xxx
o_o i noticed i've sanified alot... i still have my mad moments but i'm definately less off the wall than i used to be o_O *has been looking through my notes* <_< That is all coz i'm lazy and i cba writing much really.
o_o all the entries have goooooone ;_; that's not fair... =( ahh well... messages are probably gone too.. >.<
Bleh advert break in most haunted live!! (yes i AM that sad but meh deal with it! =P)
so yeah today's been good got up at 9:30 and spent all day doing maths revision. It's been going pretty well and my mum went to manchester so i played parent.. cooked dinner and everything! Curry *nods* with my own home made curry sauce! :o lol yeah *dances* i'm pretty proud of myself.. anywho g2g programme's back on!
Oh god Amz's screen name just reminded me...
last night i went to Pentre to support Zebedee Sez in the first round of battle of the bands! (they won) anyways Amz, Josh, Matt, Elissa, Katrina, Gem, Holly.. basically the whole crew were there and i had 3 bottles of Pepsi and got really hyper.. zomg the zebedee pit was so funny i lost my shoe within 2 seconds of jumping in! XD
Me: "Ah laura i've lost my shoe" *points to foot with only sock on*
Laura: *bends down and takes my other shoe and starts waving it in the air*
Me: LOL *finds other shoe and joins in*
It was so random.. Laura is Vena Cava's guitarist, she's really good and i'm going to support her in Vena Cava's heat next week! <3
Anyways it finished at 10:30 and my mum was picking me Amz and josh up at 11 so we were sitting outside.. both me and Amz sober but hyper as hell and Gem was really hyper too.. XD
Amz: Fwapfwapfwap (can't remember why she was doing that)
Me: That sounds like the sound that an orange would make *puts arms around head to make a vague orange shape* FWAPFWAPFWAPFW
Amz: What kind of orange makes that sort of sound?
Me: *shrugs*
Amz, me and Gem piss ourselves laughing!
Then me and Amz did the orange army thing everytime someone came out the door.
Gem: (later on after about 10 minutes of fwapping) I could just see an army of Alex's taking over the world like that! XD (that's now my plan!)
Then:
Me: (messing with my hair...) Hay Amz i have bed hair... no wait.. I have Bed hair *winks*
Amz: lol
Me: yeah it's like when you've been in a tent and you come out in the morning and go: I woke up this morning and i had Sleeping bag hair!
Amz: Or PUBIC HAIR!!!!
Me: yeah lol "mum i woke up this morning and i have Pubic hair and then i went to bed this afternoon and it was gone!! :o"
Me and Amz piss ourselves laughing and started yelling it at everyone.. then my mum phoned to tell me she was parked round the corner and i answered by accident and yelled it at her! XD
oh yeah and me and Gem had been talking earlier about funerals and we decided that when i died i was going to have a wake 7 days before my funeral and at the wake half way through my body was going to be catapulted out of the coffin and a freaky voice was going to say "seven days"!! XD
Oh and when Josh dies we're selotaping a light saber to his hand and making his corpse sit up at the funeral while we play the starwars theme. He has no say in it because he'll be dead.
lol and my dad has said he leaves the arrangements of his funeral to me and the boys when he dies... oh dear!!! XD
AHHH just over a week left of the holidays and i'm beginning to stress out ALOT! I have to revise english, Chemistry and Maths and complete AO1, 2 and 3 for my art exam and i have a coursework essay and commentary to write for english too.. plus past papers in chem and maths to complete for the first day back!!! *pulls out hair* the reason i'm stressing so much is because i have my exam time table and my exams start in under 2 months ;_; i want to get straight A's so much that i'm going to be impossible to live with till the exams are over! XD XD
I'm staying up all night to get some work done i think (might grab a few hours sleep) and there's other stuff too but i said i wasn't going to bring my personal life into this anymore so i'm not! =P Anywho i believe in fate and what will be will be. That goes for exams and everything else too... i'm into super swot mode now!! watch out!!
BACK!!! hahahahahaha! yeah France was sooo awesome i had the best time ever and i want to go back just me and a friend or two.. i'm going to save up so i can go next year! X3 yeah!!! CBA saying much here really.. hopefully i'll get some photos up here from me and Amz's photo shoot and from Paris.. got school work to do.. and revision.. bleh bring on the summer hols! At least i'm happy at the moment! ^_^ LOVING LIFE!!!! XD
Bah i am a lazy cow! XD it is official!! got addicted to B&W last night and spent an hour trying to find sheep when i should have been sleeping <_< LOL! Also addicted to SSX on tour again.. which i restarted on my Brother's mem card coz we lost the other one somewhere in the XBox 360, Game Cube, PS2 and TV wiring.. yeah they are ALL plugged in to something.. the TV and the sockets for teh electricity supply i think... but o_o Anyways i made Amature in like 2 hours *ish proud* and that is where my morning this morning went and is also the reason i have a blister on my thumb.. LOL! Yeah i got too addicted to 10 minute trick of sessions.. i don't like the races.. they annoy me but i love the trick competitions and challenges! x3
Anyways enough abaout video games.. i also did some maths revision.. although i'm going to do a heck of a lot more this evening after dinner coz i need to have all my C1 notes written up to do some revision in Paris.. and i need to look at my art and make an action plan annnnd oh yeah.. pack.. which takes AGES as i have to co-ordinate outfits and make up and washing stuff and decide what will explode if it goes in the hold and find out what we're allowed in hand luggage becuase the security might decide we're terrorists! XD
We had the most random conversation last night at dinner.. me and my family because my parents had been writting their will just before we ate! Then my mum and lewis and dad and me had some wine. I had about 2 glasses which was fine.. my mum had far too much and started slurring and muddling her letters and my brother (who is 12) went crazy hyper on us and found everything hysterical. So we were talking about death and wills while my mum was slurring everything and my brother was laughing at everything... funniest conversation EVER!! I just pissed myself laughing for an hour and a half! XD XD
Oh yeah and we've got rid of my 15 year old brother as he's gone to austria skiing *jealous* it's so quiet i can hardly believe it!! Bless him he's so big.. so he's also loud and takes up lots of space.. but we love him! XD So yeah weeird..
I also need to plan my easter hols a bit more.. becuase i have Matt's birthday thing, 2 pentre trips to support bands who's members i know, Paris and a poker night. I also have to do a LARGE amount of revision and finish my art and anything else that comes my way =___= BLEH!! So i might do that tonight. Along with the revision! JOY! XD
Ah well i'm having a pretty good holiday at the moment. Enjoying being lazy but i'll get my act together from here on in. yeah.. anyways dinner soon and i'm starving so turrah!!!
xxx
rawr rawr rawr rawr.. yeah there was no point to that! =D anywho.. so far today has been lazy but the afternoon is going to be a bit more busy.
I want to start my maths revision as i got my exam timetable yesterday... =___= bleh.. and i have to tidy my room and organise (and find) all this years subject notes.
My mother is bombarding me with Paris stuff.. apparently we need an itinery (however you spell that) My dad's with us Sunday, Monday and Wednesday but has to go to do a work presentation on Tuesday. Him having a pretty high profile job is good and all but it's times like these it bugs me.. the first time we're getting to spend more than 2 days as a family (ish) he gets called away on business. He refused about 4 times but in the end he was told he HAD to be there. On the plus side his work have said they'll pay for a nice day out for us.. which pretty much means we can do whatever we want no matter how much it costs and they'll pay! yay! ^^ And my dad's boss's boss sent my mum a really pretty flower boquet.. a proper expensive one! :o With a card apologising and telling us that my dad is a vitally important to the meeting blah blah blah... lol
So yeah... still it's paris and i've never been before and i'm mega excited!!
I'm also going to try and finish some of my writing this holiday.. i may not but.. *shrugs* i'll try!
HAHAHAHA! And you thought i was a diary whore.. first entry for a week! Yeah =P And guess what? I cba so i'm not going to tell you anything much!! Isn't that good? I'm fed up of writing everything online anyways.. anything important i will write on word or in pen!! So HA to you all! XP Okay so a quick run down of my week:
Thursday: PENTRE was so much fun!! Haven't been out chilling without drink for a while. Josh came back for food and we had a beer each and yeah!! =D It was fuuuun!!! Bands were good! Lots of people i know there and yeah!!! ^_^
Friday: SHOPPING!! got myself some new vans and a pair of high tops with Deer on them X3 So cute!! X3 X3 lol and a new bag from Tog 24 so i don't have to carry my school bag and 2 plastic bags full of stuff with me.
Saturday: Got my hair cut!! Mullet/70's rock sorta style and met Amz in town. We had a bit to drink, played on the PS2, did a photo shoot of me as a bloody corpse and yeah had a good time!! It was amazing fun except that she woke up at 7am and wouldn't leave me alone till i got up too! XD It was hilarious!!
Sunday: we just lazed around then Amz went home and i went back to bed! SUPERNATURAL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!! it was hilarious!! <3 that episode.
Monday: Lol school.. normal.. not many lessons and Dan and Mark both thought i looked Japanese with my new hair! XD Dan said i looked like Myv which is a great compliment in my books!
Tuesday: Parents evening!!! Pretty good all the teachers said what i expected them to... hard worker, should get A's needs to revise more.. that's my half term sorted.
Today: Miss Batten decided me and Beki had to sort things out.. so we talked.. and it went okay.. no yelling or throwing of objects.. but meh.. just see how it goes i guess. It's not going to be the same as before.. but *shrugs* it's kinda a friendship on probation! XD Ahh english was AMAZING i was so glad i went and didn't come home early. I had nothing to do so i went to sit next to Sam.. Izzy was actually Civil to me and she seems to be alright now we're in 6th form. We had to fill out this questionnaire about crime and the media and me and sam both had to circle "yes" to the criminal conviction question! XD Which led to half an hour of talking about how/why and when we got arrested! XD lol and Liam kept turning around and giving us wide-eyed ZOMG! looks! XD Yeah and then we decided i was going to come support Sam's band at pentre during battle of the bands. I'm going to support Cross (with Zebedee) A week tomorrow and matt's thing a week on friday so yeah!! Paris in 3 days!! i can't wait!!! =D Good couple of weeks ahead! I'm enjoying school alot at the moment! I'm just generally very happy and i hope to stay very happy!!! =D wooooo
LOL the plans for Amz's have got more complex! XD but it sounds like it's going to be awesome fun!! I'm really excited about it!! XD Yeah i feel very mellow at the moment.. i haven't drunk anything think it's more sleep deprivation than anything else!!! XD Ah well i should go do some work... meh later!
Going to be windy again tonight... if i get woken up... i am going to be impossible to live with tomorrow! I still have a horrible cold... >.< But meh... looks like Amz's on saturday is going ahead! yay!! ^_^ we don't have much plans.. casual drink (actually casual this time), poker and chester on sunday =3 we want to get jobs! *nods* aye we do!
So yeah i got a ton of work though and today has been a very strange day.. everyone has been asking me why me and beki aren't speaking.. it's almost been 3 weeks since we were last on talking terms so why is everyone bothered by it today. Anyways i'm not going in to details i just wish ruth would leave it alone.
Bleh school work =___= i have a chemistry practical tomorrow! Which is pretty much a skive for 2 hours! XD so yeah.. still can't wait for the easter holidays i'm so tired and ill feeling and just ready to get on sorting out my notes and revise for exams and then just get on with having fun over the summer!! *dances* yay!!!
RAWR!! I be suffering from teenage mood swings... or just moody teenager syndrome.. >.< I BE GRUMPY!!! And if i get woken up tonight at ANY point there will be killings tomorrow.. unplanned and random killing of whoever annoys me first! lol.. that's my public service announcement for today! XD
Anywho yeah.. the grumpyness comes from being woken up at about 3am and kept awake for an hour and a half by the wind and rain >.< Then i slept through my alarm.. school was alright but i was shattered by the time i got home and just as i was falling asleep on the sofa my mother decides dinner is ready >.< lol yeah...
School was good today! Played poker =3 which i luff! <3 And yeah.. good lessons.. only english lit.. we have our exam on 16th May and we've only covered 1 out of 3 exam texts.. anyone want to say fail?? yeah and i'm pissed off because all of our english department are ill or pregnant or something which means we have no teachers and i want my 4 As at AS level otherwise all dreams of Cambridge are gone and how on earth can i get an A in an exam when we haven't even studied all the material!!! So yeah.. i'm slightly stressed out. Starting my revision soon too and my Art exam has begun... it's that time of year again! :o
Today was fun! lol speant my free and lunch doing art with Amz which was goood! I got all my work handed in.. i'll still have some stuff to do after the exam but for now i'm just concentrating on my exam question! Yeah.. i need to sort out some revision notes for stuff too... hmm oh.. i need to go clean out the pets so i'll talk later!! brb!
Im due for a miracle... Im waiting for a sign says:
and dont let this shit get to you, listen to me when i say this,
Im due for a miracle... Im waiting for a sign says:
your doing fine kiddo, and there is nothing you can be doing right now that is half as bad as the fact you are doubting yourself :)
Im due for a miracle... Im waiting for a sign says:
your a winner and a strong one at that, now sleep tight x
Jim you are my angel <3 I would be long gone by now if not for you.. thanks darling! For saying all the right things at the right time!!
Not much to say really.. good weekend mostly.. makes me realise how much i love my family <3 and spoke to Amz.. which made me lol! XD I ran out of texts this weekend (friday actually) so i've had to phone everyone that's texted me a question >.< which is annoying because i don't like phones all that much.. although i like them better that i used to! XD Anyways Chester was good i'll talk more about it tomorrow, it was nice chatting to Josh and just hanging out with him. He's got his head screwed on right and he's sorted himself out which is good! ^_^ So yeah.. weekend was gooood and now i am going to finish my art coursework for tomorrow! *dances*
I'm watching some crap on TV... which i'm only watching coz i'd promise Amy i'd log on and see if beki had posted anything else on here.. and it's background noise. I'm glad She's alright (beki i mean) and that she got Amy's text, she needs someone there and seeming as i've failed at all my attempts to be a good friend i made sure Amz knew so Beki had someone there. It's about all i CAN do anymore.
Anyways Holly's having a tough time too.. ;_; seems like this year all my friends lives are falling appart.. everywhere i turn i see my friends destroying their lives, disappearing.. dying.. committing suicide. People wonder why i trust no one.. well maybe it's not becuase i'm paranoid. Maybe it's the same reason i can't hold down a relationship.. becuase i'm afraid of getting hurt. Ugh... I think i'm going to bed soon.. i have some things to do this weekend. I think i'm going to go to chester on my own. That way i can get what i need look around and not worry about being that flawless perfect person everyone seems to want me to be. I know they never say it.. but i also know that's what my friends and family need of me. They need someone to talk to who can deal with everything, someone without issues. So i'll be that person. Because in the end my life has never been lived for me.. my life has always been in the hands of my friends and family. If they're not happy i'm not happy and now i've figured out what i want to do with my life.. figured out short term how i'm going to cope i think that finally i can be the person everyone needs. I'm strong, I'm not going to break, I'm not going to give in. That's it really just wanted people to know i'm around and i want to help them in any way i can. And i will help them even if it's only in small ways like making sure there is someone there for them, or giving them a hug.
Oh yeah.. another thing.. MY BOOKS ARRIVED!! SCORE!!! i read volume 4. of I.N.V.U in about an hour when i got in from school... books make me so happy! *squee* and with that i'm off to read.. i have a pile of books about 12 books high next to my bed becuase i have run out of shelf space.. already... o_o
I've been thinking alot today, about everything in my life, about myself, about what's happened to me recently and how confused and alone i've felt since starting 6th form. I almost wish i'd given it more thought, take my gap year this year instead of at the end on 6th form. I've made so many worng choices so far this year, ive fucked up alot more than i ever thought was possible. I don't deserve forgiveness or sympathy. Not for what i've put my friends and family through, not for not being strong enough to hold myself together, not for letting the mask slip. My parents look at me odd now, my mum keeps touching me as if she expects me to disappear at any moment. On sunday they thought i was actually going to kill myself. My family don't even think i can cope with life and that makes me so angry and upset.
But i've made a couple of decisionss today. I've decided that i have to stop drinking, anything because what happened on saturday was my way of having a complete break down. Until i can sort my life out i don't trust my self to drink anything. Because once i start drinking i realise how good it feels to forget, to feel as out of control of myself as i feel i am of my life. Strange thing to want isn't it? To want to lose control completely.. but i long for it.. i'm never one to do things by halves and as my life spirals out of control i find that that is exactly what i want my life to do too.
The second decision i have made is to get a paper diary, which i did at lunch. I need somewhere to record my aims and ambitions, to put down my odd thoughts. I just feel like i need to commit to paper what i intend to do so i have motivation to do it.
The third thing is to put my all into my school work, i want to pass so i will do all my homework as soon as possible, make detailed revision notes, organise my work and try my hardest at everything.
Fourth is to get a job and take up some hobbies, so there are other areas to my life than school. I want to learn guitar, go back to horse riding and the gym. At least 3 times a week at the gym to help relieve stress.
I've been thinking alot today and what i've realised is that letting go of my self-control made things 10 times worse so the only way to move forward is to stop and take control of the things i can control. I can control what i drink, school work, exercise and how i feel about my life. My parents have always said: "People don't annoy you, you choose to get annoyed" so on that principle i am LETTING life get me down and i'm fed up of it. I'm so close to throwing away my whole future by sitting around going "It's not my fault.." well it bloody is my fault and i'm bloody going to fix it!!
With this new philosophy in place i had a really good day at school! Free first which i speant playing poker with chad, aled, matt, cross and wilson (i'm addicted to poker now! X3) I came 3rd.. Aled and Wilson lost! Cross won.. then 2nd i went and got my art exam paper and miss said i could go "research" it if i wanted.. guess what? Ended up playing cards with Toni, Wilson and Chad for the whole hour! XD fail!! English was boring except for Rach and Elissa's conversation (on paper) about Mr Jones' underwear.. o_o disturbing but hysterical.. and i think i can get my coursework done for his class really easily which is good! Chemistry was average.. nothing to talk about really..
Maths.. ZOMG!! maths.. it was so funny.. i wasn't in yesterday so i had no idea what we were meant to be doing.. and i payed no attention! XD I was too busy watching Aled and Mark break everything in their pencil cases.. and Mark bent Aled's calculator which was so funny.. but you probably had to be there! The last 5 minutes were the funniest!
aled: Get your big one out Mark! (he meant his jumbo multi-coloured pencil)
Me and Mark: *piss ourselves laughing and mark gets the pencil out*
Aled: ahh wow can i touch it?
Mark: yeah... *realises what he said and pisses himself laughing*
Me: *already choking to death with laughter*
Teacher: *ignores us*
XD XD XD XD XD ah it was amazing!!
So yeah that was my day! Went to town at lunch to put some money in the bank (i'm no longer broke!!) but i'm going to save up for my BOA ticket and enough money to have a bit of a shopping spree in chester sometime. Yeah BOA is on the cards again, Haz is going and my mum is fine with me going with her and her boyfriend Gwyn, and whoever else decides to join us nearer the time.
In other news i have no idea what's going on with Beki and Amy.. as far as i can tell they don't want me around and that's fine.. but Ruth's giving me another story so i'm like o_o wtf??? But yeah whatever happens with that *shrugs* i'm happy, for the first time in months i am content with what i've got and now i'm ready to stop lying down and crying and start fighting. Coz i've always been a fighter and always will be! I just lost my way for a bit then!
Anywho ALEX IS BACK!! \m/ and i'm going to kick some ass! =P
Well i figure out what i want to do. Leave. I want to go abroad and learn another language and do the international Bac. But that isn't going to happen so i'm deciding to take hold of my life and make the best out of what i've got. Which is quite alot, i have loads of friends, i have a brilliant family, i am fairly clever and capable of doing well at school and that is what i intend to do! I think i am going to Yale next year, as i've said before i need a change, need to get away from the Alun. I've loved my time there but it's time to move on. I'm no longer on the same wavelength as my best friend and i agree with her, it's time we both let go. We're both just hurting each other and i've felt for the last couple of weeks she just wants to be friends with Amy without me being in the way. I accept that and i just want to say to her that i am sorry if i've said or done anything to hurt her, she should know by now that is never my intention. I also just want her to be happy, it's all i've ever wanted and i can't handle the fact that i want that so much for her that it is tearing me apart piece by piece. And i'm still so fucked up that i can't let anyone know that, that i can't let go of the smile.. anyways i'll continue this after school because right now i feel like loosing it and crying and shouting but i don't want my friends to see me like that and i have to leave for school in about 2 minutes. So yeah.