I don't know what's wrong with me. Josh is pissed at me and says I've changed. I have, but not in the way that he thinks. I don't know who I am anymore. If I am somebody. Am I? I mean I leave church and go sit outside and no one looks for me. No one questions where I am. Except Sarah. Sarah I love you and I thank you so much for being my friend. I really don't deserve to have you...Really. I'm sorry to all the people I hurt and don't hurt. I wish I wasn't in existence sometimes, a lot of times lately it seems. A lot of people wouldn't have to handle the grief and problems I put them through. Josh wouldn't have to feel like he's wasting his time. Maybe he is. Who knows? Not me. Do you? I doubt it. Renee and Sarah wouldn't have to sit there and try to make me feel better. Branden wouldn't have to waste his time asking what's wrong. The question that even I don't know the answer to anymore. I've been thinking more and more about suicide and I can't really say why. Nothing is really wrong in my life, but everything feels wrong. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. When I got home yesterday I planned on running away. Going somewhere that no one knew or cared about me. Going somewhere that the people here wouldn't have to waste time on me. They don't think of it as wasting time...At least most of them don't. Apparently Josh does. See I'm ranting. I do that. But it doesn't matter. The group doesn't exist anymore. At least the group with me in it. I'll never know until I love myself. I thought I did. I don't know. I just don't know. Does anyone know what my problem is? Does it matter? Probably not. No one knows. Maybe I'll see why when I stop escaping my pain. What pain though? Do I really feel anything? Is there really any pain? I can't believe this is goodbye everyone...but it is.

Hey everyone...it's me-wow right? I don't write in here often but eh, thought I'd do something different. I'm just sitting here bored because there is nothing to do. Might see if I can go hang at the mall. Was supposed to go to Luz's house with Kismet but no go until tomorrow. Movie-marathon day!! Hopefully I'll get to see Kelsey too-I love her! *turns on All These Things I Hate uber loud tuning out everything else but her and her computer* Yeah so life at school and outside school is beginning to move along once again and not at a snail's pace anymore. The whole thing between Andre and I did happen-I'm not going to deny it. I wasn't being over-dramatic and obsessive. We had something and then I don't know-he let it go. But it's all good, I still want to be his friend if nothing else. I'm beginning to like a few people that are actually my age-don't know if they feel the same way but eh. When I first moved to Waco my flirting was shy and subtle-not anymore. Damn you Andre you changed that about me. You made me open up...: D I'm happy with it though. Josh and I don't talk much anymore. I have no fucking idea what happened there one day he tells me he's in love with me and the next he's practically crying tears of joy because he gets back with his x...oh well good for him. I feel seperated from people more and more everyday at lunch. Like I'm just watching everything from afar...it's odd because I don't really talk to Josh, Ryan, Brandy, and Charlie anymore and the only people I talk to under the awnings are Allante (( not even really him anymore-he's changed )), Andre ((when he doesn't avoid me)), Lizzie, and 'Ne...I'm so glad her and I are on speaking terms again. I'm so happy that the dramas in the past and that everyone's moving on. The school year is coming to a close and quickly. We only have 28 days left...OMG 28 days! WTF!! Wow time goes by quickly when you're miserable and in...not going to finish that. So yeah anyways I guess I'll stop typing cause this is long as hell. Hope you enjoyed the insight into my life. TTYl

       Mealy-Amanda

poor Mealy-Chan..T.T My glasses just broke which really sucks I can't see like..anything unless I get like 6inches from it. Blah, oh well!! YEY!! Kis-Kis-Chan got her internet back and it's awesome!! I would wear my old glasses but they make my head hurt and they're all uneven on my face.. Yeesh!! Yeah, so I've been having mood swings like all day, one minute I'll be happy and the next I'm just like :vein: yey, I'm back!! Went to eyemart and got my glashes fixed and tightened! Anyways I have to go feed teh kitteh's lol.. TTYl
   Mealy-Chan