Well here is another stab at this online diary thing

I feel lost... completely lost... I am fustrated my life is going no where that I have no one in my life to share my time with.

I hate my self-rightous asshole customers who want the world on a plate becuase they think that I should serve only them cause they had to hold on the line to talk to an agent....

I need a vacation

ok this totally sucks bricks... an old boyfriend cmae back into my life as a friend. and we have been doing well...talking and getting along and maybe even fool around abit... and then we arrange to get together and let happen what may... well today he tells me that him and his old gf are going to try and have a relationshiop again....

Fine I have no problem I have am issue when he will alianate me from his life again. I went almost 3 years with out being able to talk to him or anything and it has been a miricle that he is talking to me now.

And I have few friends and even fewer I trust. So yes it does sting a bit. but to add to everything else I just bought a house and I am moving next week, one of my closest friends is fucking up her life by getting involed with her ex. the same one that abandoned her and her kid when she needed money for food so that her kid could eat. Not once but TWICE. Who in there right minds let that kind of betryal in thier life twice. First time alright everyone messes up. But the second time come on that is a clear signal he is messed up and not ready for the responceability of a family. as well as she is planning on marring this asshole. and he represents everything I dispise, loth, hate about the male personality and spieces... I would love more then anything to hit him with a bat. not repedily. Just once real nice and good with a wood bat. then I can let go.

But jake,me and him have a lot of history. and a lot of emotions... and it was so nice to friends with him and to talk to him again. I just dont want him to write me off because he thinks I might try to ruin his relationship with his ex. and I dont want I just want to talk to him. thats all. perhaps maybe coffee once in a blue moon... but I know that me and him are never going to be together or have a realtionship. As much as I would love to have one good roll around in the hay with him for old time sake but I am not going to run the risk of hurting him again.

I bought a house and am moving in less then 5 days... I wish Chris was here. then my heart wouldnt hurt so much

I know that I have not written in here in a long time... but I was tring to have a life... and well that hasnt really happened... I tried and when I finaly got to go out with my friends mom for her birthday... my mom comes home from the weekend... she was out of town with my older brother for a medevial event in the states... and she comes back early... which no one informed me for when they would be arriving... but non the less she came home early and we were watching movies while my friends dad went to work out in Greendale... which was 30 mins away... so my mom calls me and demands me to be home when I couldnt be home... like I said my friends dad had the car and I couldnt get home... it would have taken too much money to use a taxi... and they dont accept mastercard... only visa...and I didnt have enough money on my card to do that... I knew she needed help but there was nothing I could do... any worst off my mother thinks that I was out partying and didnt want to come home and take care of my nephews... I was genuinly stuck and I bet my mom tolod my oldest brother(The Father of my nephews) that I was out partying and refused to come home and help out around the house... But to Kick me out and say Have a nice life and accuase me of being a lier becuase I couldnt make it home when I know she thinks it cause I out fucking up and having fun while she needs help

Ok I have repeated myself enough...
If anyone is reading this.. please message me whith a suggestion as to what I should do??

Well it has been a while since I have been on for a long time... I have lost 10 pounds in my first month of using Weight Watchers that like one dress size... that has never happened to me before... YAY For me... hehehehe... I am so happy... although I still cant fit into my old jeans... lol

But I am on the right track... As for Chris and I things are still in limbo.. Till I know if he getting into his tank training if we are getting marreid or not...

As well as my aunt died of lung cancer 2 weeks ago.. big long sorted story

Well it has been a while since I have been on for a long time... I have lost 10 pounds in my first month of using Weight Watchers that like one dress size... that has never happened to me before... YAY For me... hehehehe... I am so happy... although I still cant fit into my old jeans... lol

But I am on the right track... As for Chris and I things are still in limbo.. Till I know if he getting into his tank training if we are getting marreid or not...

As well as my aunt died of lung cancer 2 weeks ago.. big long sorted story

Well I have been on weightwatchers for one week and I have lost 8 pounds and I know it is just water weight but 8 pounds is 8 pounds and I am on my way so far... everyone... wish me luck!

Thank you to Chris for helping start this... I know you will be there for me to help me through this...
I love you so much

Well Day 2 on Weight Watchers... going alright... not as hard as I assumed... but it is challenging... But I am sticking to my walking time and that is interesting as well...

Some ppl informed me that once you start this track you start feeling liberated and free and all that stuff but I feel restrained... not helpless tho... I feel proud of myself for taking those steps for my health...and for Chris.. I love him so much... I miss him so much... I want so bad to touch hime and hug him and kiss him... grrrr course the fates for putting us so far apart...

*Shakes fists at ceilings*

Well I have great news!!
Yesterday I took the first steps in taking control of my life!!!

Because of the problems with my hip I have to lost a lot of weight... So I finally got myself set up with Weight Watchers... and I can finally start to get control over this and change my life...

*pats self on the back*

Yay for me!!!

On to Monday... well monday is pretty boring... although I did make the decsion to wear a skirt... I am sorry Chris you didnt get a chance to see me in one while you were here...but I have a hard time wearing them.... with the way I walk and what not... but you will see one of these days... when I come out to see you I promise I will bring one or atleast buy one while I am out there...

mmmmmmmmmm... Caffine... yummmmm

Sorry will provide more inteligenet infiormation later...

~Drifts off into La La Land which is 2 miles from Crazy with the River De-Nile ~

Ok folks...

I had a nice long entery yesterday..however... it took me a long time to write and well I got booted off... so it didnt save in time... and I was very very upset so I just didnt continue...

Here is a recap... Saturday I had some nice calls at work... I spoke to a nice lady from Grenwich,Rhode Island (sorry if I spelt it wrong Chris, I had told her about Chris.. my bf/fiance.. depending on what the military says in a few months... hehehe can't wait...

To all the girls out there who think that they know love... You know your in love when you can hear a love song on the radio and your heart aches... or the words discribe exactly how you feel for that person.. Or you meet a person and they make you want to change your life for the better like get a gym membership, gives you courage to do things for yourself and take control of your life... That is what Chris has done for me... I wouldnt give him up for all the world!

To let you all know I have suffered with a cronic tumor in my hip for almost 5 years... perhaps 6... and I have had a very limited life in terms of how to I can do things and what I could do for physical activities... and recently I was told by my Dr. that I had to lose weight or else my latest proceedure wouldnt take and I would lose my leg...

And nothing, nobody could get me to lose weight... well as anyone knows it is a hard thing to do and I looked for ways that werent focued on food consumptions or diet pills... because if I am going to get healthly I dont want to be eating "Special" food or popping pills to keep the wieght off... I want more exercies more then anything but getting to a gym is hard and intimidating...

But now Chris has given me the courage to change that and I have a real reason (I know I should do it for myself more but I have a very negitive oppinion of myself) And yet I am doing this more for him than myself... and I am glad to...
***stairs off into space***

Sorry I get side tracked and babble a lot when it comes to Chris.. what can you do with a girl on love *smiles*

But anyway back to my awsome caller... Like I said she lives in Rhode Island about 2 hour from the town that Chris lives in... and well I had told her about Chris and our situation... not a lot a of detials but enough... and she asked me if I had been there and I said "No" and I told her about my mom's concern for me going over there because he could be and "Axe Murder" and The nice lady said "Well Dear if he is run away and call me I'll come pick you up... You got my number!" and we both laughed... it was great... it isnt often that ppl can make friends with there Tech Support ppl... if you called for assistance then you know what I mean...

The other customer I got had the most interesting problem in the world... He couldnt get his dial up to work... and well I got him to do a system restore and then set up a call back so he could test it,

And when I called him back... I herd three beep tones like someone was tring to dial out and then the customer picked up... and guess what he said? "Hello? Hello?" and I responded with the same and let them know that I was call ing back... they said " I can hear you through my speakers!"

His bloody modem picked up the call... and he could me through his speakers... and I could hear the echo from the speakers!! it was so funny.. and anytime he tired to dial out I herd the beep tones and the modem would pick up... sort of like when you pick up the phone, start to dial and then find out that your mom is on the phone... that sort of thing... it was too funny.... and I have to call them back in a few days

Greetings and Salutations to all!!!

Well my life has reached a low... and I have felt more pain for different reasons... rigth to the point where I didnt want to get out of bed or couldnt stand the world

Well frist as you all know... my love of life came for a visit and was abosolutly wonderful... but all good things must come to an end... and him leaving was like ripping my heart out and throwing it against the wall... then stepped on it and grinded it to the ground... But at the same time the silver lining to it is that we still love eachother... and perhaps if things go as planned we are getting married probably before Spring of 2007!!! YAY For me...

Then a couple of days ago I had the largest fight with my mother that I had ever had... and my mother is the kind of person that well... she isnt the kind of person you can tellher half details to... and then fill her in later... if you do that then she automaticly thinks you lied to her at one point... either the first time you said something or after you tried to clearify the situation... and our fight lasted about 3 hours before we called it quites and then left it at that... I refused to stay at my house with her and get into another fight... so I stayed at a friends place...

The next day however I had to go the dentist and get my wisdom teeth pulled... I figured since the top ones were so easy to pull out that the bottom ones were going to be relativly the same... boy was I misstaken... shit man they really really did not want to come out... and you know how some ppl say that the number of Roots you have on your wisdom teeth is "suppose" to show how "Wise you are" and well Mine were three... and the roots were twisted... in such away I sware the Dentist was going to have to put his foot on the chair for more leverage to pull the tooth out... then he had to DRILL tha damn thing to get the broken piece out!!!

Now now I am in pain for the next few days... and I have this huge fear that I am going to get Dry Socket... and in the process I seem to have forgotten about the possibilty of infection... >:-S this sucks...

god I am so tired here it isn't funny.... I almost want to crwal in hole and sleep for a long time... I wish I could just get my mind to shut off at night... I miss him so much.. but I miss him at night the most... becuase he was there to cuddle me and keep me warm... and his smell I miss it all, but is almost emmbarasing to think about it and to have him in my head all the time... I dont know what to do

Today is getting easier... I dont hurt as much anymore... I feel complete... even tho he far away I still feel complete... it is very strange...

I dont know if any of you out there reading if anyone... belives in magick and the paranormal... but I do and I havent had any starnge events come near me for sometime... now until Chris came... it is so wierd. His touch, his smell
his kiss was so familiar... and still I never felt anything like him before... sure.. I have kissed tons of guys... well not tons but enough to know that every pair of lips taste and feel different... but his... are so good I cant even begin to expalain...

I was never one for beliveing in love at first sight, and soul mates... secretly I wanted to belive and in my heart I did but with this day in age stuff like that just doesnt happen...

Till I met Chris, then everything changed...I still puzzled because everyhing was so familiar... like uncanny familliar.. we have never seen eachother below the neck line in 7.5 years... btu still everything was perfict and we knoew things about eachother... I guess after talking for that long we would have said something that we barreid in the back of our head for years. but still the touch... smell... you just dont tell someone what you smell like for what it feels like to touch you... that would be jsut wierd...

But I will say this... he is Perfict... perfict to me in almost every way (come on ppl have to somewhat logical)

Toodles

Yesterday was probably the saddest day in my enitre life and hardest... Letting go of someone you care for is the hardest thing ever... even though Chris was only here for two weeks.. it felt like a lifetime... and then I had to let him go...

I know he is a proud American and wants to serve his country and what not... and I know I dont fully understand things because I am Canadian... but still I do know that the media does blow things out of puportion about the wars and such.... but all I care about is that he comes back to me alive... after meeting him in person and being able to kiss him and hold him, make love to him... I want more then anything to have him next to me for the rest of my life...

I would marry him if he so much as asked... Granted with him in the military and me tring to get a life and being on seprate ends of the content him in East Coast of RI and me on the West Coast of British Columbia Canada... it would be some years before we would get married...

but as far as I am concerned he is the only man for me and the only one I want in my life...

Neither of us had the greatest of upbringings or a lot of "lucky breaks" for anything... we did manage to find eachother and and we have such a connection... I never thought that two ppl could fall in love to hard and so fast as we have and have it cut so deep...

When he left which was yesterday... I spent the night crying, and the next day I sware I spent the rest of the day after he was gone crying about everything... where he was where he slepted... where his stuff was... I started wondering the house almost looking for him... I was a complete wreck and I just felt like I was going mad... I didnt know what would happen if he would talk to me again... if he made it home alrught... I still wonder if he accually feels the same way I do for him... but I dont want to scare him off and telling him:
"I would marry you in a heart beat"
might just make him want to back off... Or look at me funny! LOL

Having him come out here was the best thing that ever happened to me and if he reads this. Chris as far as I am concerned you are the love of my life and I want no one else.

the problem is I dont think he is on here... I showed him once... and I dont think he would get a membership on here anyway... so anyone that is reading this... sort of thing... I would be happy for feed back.. I am still new here and still done quite understad a lot about this palce

Toodles

I know I haven't been on here in a while... I have out with quite possibly the love of my life... as I stated earlier he has flowen accross the US and Canada to be with me for 2 weeks... and it has been onderful... I never want him to go... but unfourtunatly he has to go... :( but I am makeing plans to come out there in the spring next year... LOL or summer... :) and boy wont he be surprised... lol...

These past two weeks have been absolute hevean... almost to the point where I would move to the US just to be with him... And yes I am canadian.. I am on the West Coast and he from the East Coast of the US,... talk about east meets west... lol

God I love him more then life itself... more then I have cared for anyone in my entire life...

Well got to run,... customers to help...

*waves as she runs away"

Greetings eevryone...

Well Chris is here... an it is wonderful... It was well worth the weight... this is something out of a fairytale to tell you all the trouth... Not everything I expeceted... mind you I never had any expectations of him to begin with...

It is so strange... we know eachother so well becase we have been talking for years... approx 8 years... give or take a couple of months... and just being near him make me so happy... content... at peace with everything, when he hugs me I feel safe... when he touches me even if he runs his hand accross my cheek I just melt... I have never felt like this to anyone before... and I cant get enough of it... LOL

well I need to get back to work...
Toodles
*runs away waving*

Well today is the day before Chris gets here and it is funny... beacuase I am excited... but I am not bouncing off the walls and such... but to me it still seems so much like a dream that I have had over and over... its almost like if I let myself belive in it, it wont happen... strange huh?

But yea.. I will report more once he has gotten here... I am so happy... its just on the iside...lol

But yea I must be going.. got things to see ppl to do...
Toodles
*runs away waving*

Ok I know it has been a long since I have written in here and probably no one is apying attention this diary... if you are please pelase... sign my guest book.. it is bare and so depressing... :(

No body loves me on here..*sniff sniff*

its ok.. I am still new and dont hold any titles yet... but I am working on getting my own set up on Elfwood once it is back up and running...

My work with computers brings me many a story and perhaps one day I will be able to write some of them down on here...

As for what is going on in my real life... a really really good frind and possiblly the love of my life.. is finally comming to meet me... he is traveling from Rhoad Island... and I am on the West Coast of Canada... lol talk about East meets west... lol I have knowen him for 8 years now and yes we have had seprate lives and had other relationships over time.. however we have always come back to eachother... lol
How does the saying go?
"If you let it go and it doesnt come back it was never ment to be, but if it comes back then its yours forever"

I get a week vacation for Valentines day, inst that so sweet.. He made sure he could get the time off so he could be with me for Valentines day... although I never thought that he would ever get up the nerve to come out and see me... simply because we have been planning this with huge ideas of grandure for 6 years... a long time huh... lol

But hopefully things will turn out alright... he doesnt have much money.. and I think I have even less then that.. lol but we will be happy no matter what happen...

How goes everyone elses life... Anyone that wants to chat I am always free for time to talk.... message me and I will answer

ok... Now I am mad... I just had a very very very dumb customer that ruined my day... well no not really but drove me mad... well not mad more INSANE!!!

taking 10 min to help the customer realize that when adding a password for your computer... and when it says "Please re-enter your passowrd exactly as before" They just couldnt grasp that concept...

Another humorous note I might add to today's oddities... Now again I have had ppl take to the bathroom for fear of being hung up on... I dont got a problem with that.. not at all... the worst one tho is one that take's you to the bathroom and not tell you till the toilet flushes... well I have to say this one takes the cake...

This lady desides to call up to order her missing audio cord for her monitor... so I ask her to varify the information about the units... after asking her politly for a few times... she finally tells me "I'm sorry dear I am in the bath tub right now... would you like me to get out and make sure?".. I politly said No and ordered the part.... even if it could be the worng part... for the wrong monitor... but oh well thats life... hope to update my readers... if there are any soon

well today is another day... getting close to Christmas and my birthday...

For those who know whats going on around here can you inform me?

I understand what this place is and the forums but is this like a chat place? probably is.. but I can be dence sometimes...

I am sorry but I am not all here right now... and I have never posted a live diary before.. but I will try to do my best to make it entertaning for those who make it.. and with that I must go back to my job... I a technical phone agent for computer repiars...

Feel free to ask me anything.. there has never been an answer I wont answer..

so Toodles for now
*waves and runs off*