ahh! I drew a pretty design on my hand! I wen tso crazy ! it looks so cool! alas the ink's gonna wash away soon.....*cries*

I really hate it when ppl are alll kiss my ass i don't care. Then they act all suicidal and shit. i don't get it. why bother hiding the fact that you feel so miserable? That doesn't do anything but make it worse. is it becuse they are trying to be strong or something?

I am so fucked. i have no clue what to do with myself. I tell people i'm catholic. And I am. So why do i start questioning god for no reason. I mean if he is so powerful then why doesn't he juststop all this shit going on in the world? What is the point of suffering? Is it to make us stronger? Is that gods plan? Or why do so many people belive that their own religion is the "true" one? Are there many gods or just one all powerful one? Or is religion just a piece of worthless shit? I heard once that religion started because of fear of death and the unknown. is that all it really is? an explanation for something that is so frightning and unavoidable? the only comfort I have when i feel guilty like this is when i just go in to my own little world. almost like my own religion. One that belives in the Balance of light and darkness. That can explain life in general. Without the balance their will be no joy in life. Too much light will only make people yearn for something. Anything that will give them a challenge in life. Too much darkness and there would be utter chaos. In my own little world there are many gods/goddess. No one god is more important than the other because they all need each other to keep this world safe. One is spirit of life. then a spirtit of death. Life is needed to give this world a purpose. Death is needed to make sure that this world doesn't overpopulate and destroy itself. have alot more shit but I don't really feel like writing anymore.

I don't know why but there are so many times when out of no where I feel so depressed. Sometimes I think to much and I just stay in my room. And i start to think of the dumbist things. Like A few days ago I felt so alone for no reason. Then I thought something so dumb. I thought that one of my best friends only come over to talk to me or hang out whenever she felt bored and no one else was around. I started to hate her so much. Then a few hours later i felt like such a stupid bitch. I should know that Alex would never act that way. I felt so guilty for even thinking that. Just because she is my friend doesn't mean that she has to include me in EVERYTHING. i mean what if she doesn't want to say any thing to anybody? Or maybe the problem is really not any of my business. What I don't get though is why I even started to think so badly of some one who not only is one of my best friends but who never did shit to me? No wonder I am so obessed with the psycology and shit like that. It is just another way to understand myself. and maybe one day i'll stop thinking so badly of my own friends for no fucking reason. I may be able to why it is so fucking hard for me to just fucking trust people.