"the cousens curse"
Current mood: betrayed


I cant believe how many ppl I have trusted,how many people I have let into my life,into my heart and into my soul,my entire world only to be led on,ignored and played for a fool,I always try to meet people because I want to have alot of friends because I am just an outgoing and nice person,but maybe its because I am cursed,maybe I am not to have the things in life that matter the most,friends and a loving girl is and probably will always beyond my reach,so many questions and possibilities to it all,perhaps I am not the right color,the right height,maybe I dont have enough muscles,dont do drugs or get plastered off my ass,play to many video games,or I have mostly girls for friends,maybe Im not black or gothic enough,maybe I dont fuckin cut myself or as intellegent as a wizard,maybe I am not rich enough,maybe I am not social enough,maybe I am not important enough to remember,maybe I am too easy to forget,maybe I am cursed along with the others with my bloodline but I tell you what I do have and that is a fuckin good heart,wheather people believe to see it or not or think me a liar,I know what I have and if people dont want to be around me because I am who I am then I dont need anyone,not friends or family or even a female companion,I have a handful of loved ones who are here and in heaven and they are all that matter to me now,I would rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not,so to all those who are pretending to be my friends or care for me just dont bother because I have all I will ever need,and that is something that no one can take from me no matter how cursed I am!!!

I wish i could feel things the way i used to but I can no longer feel anything anymore not pain,not emmotion,every great while a pain will inflict me that is so great that I will shed a single tear in sadness and then I feel nothing,so many things are going on right now in my life,so many things that I feel I have no power over as if fate is taking a hold on me and no planning to ever let me go but where are the people I need the most,I can see none for miles on end,I remember things in my past,and I had to deal with them alone,is that really how it is supposed to be for me? maybe I deserve it maybe I dont,but either way I have gotten used to living alone,being alone,watching the world with a sad and tired eye,seeing the things I want but like a ghost I cant grab it,my hand goes right through,I want to fall to my knees and cry like i have in the past,but the bible says "do not trouble others with your pain,for them it matters none" a sad truth I have learned to realize over the many years among other things in my long neverending life,do I want people to pity or feel sorry for me,no I want nothing of the sort,I want people to see what I have seen,felt what I have felt,allthough my pain is often self inflicted according to others,everything is my fault,since that is apparently the case I suppose then I should always stay silent and forever continue to hollow and enclose myself to the world,only a few understand me,and their lives and pain are similar to mine,but it would be nice to cry on someone's shoulders from time to time or confide in another but to many tears of mine have been left unshed and hence they have made me what I am now,a silent,forgotten,broken piece of a man who once smiled,but maybe one day I will smile again....just mabye.




Currently listening to:
Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun Soundtrack *approach*
By Frank Klepacki
Release date: 01 January, 1999