But as my thoughts drain theirself upon this matter that I cannot change all I can try to do is leave it alone and try to put it out of my head becuz dwelling on osmethig that will never change nor help me at all would be foolish to think about. But when its something this important what am I supposed to do?

Two thousand fattened years like maniacs
Have despoiled our common grave
Now what necrophagous Second Coming backs
From the cradle to enslave
Sickle constellations
Stud the belts that welt the sky
Whilst bitter winter moon
Prowls the clouds, dead eyed
Like shifting parent flesh
Under silk matricide...
Watchful as she was upon Eden
Where every rose arbour and orchard she wept
Hid the hissing of a serpent libido
In an ancient tryst with catastrophe
Soon to be kept
Hear the hissing now on the breeze
As through the plundered groves of the carnal garden
A fresh horror blows
But ten billion souls
Are blind to see the rotting wood for the trees
This is the theme to a better Armageddon
Nightchords rake the heavens
PAN DAEMON AEON
And what use are prayers to that "god"
As devils bay concensus for the space to piss
On your smouldering faith
And the mouldering face
Of this world long a paradise lost
This is the end of everything
Hear the growing chora that the new dawn shall bring
Danse macabre 'neath the tilt of the zodiac
Now brighter stars shall reflect on our fate
What sick nativities will be freed when those lights turn black?
The darkside of the mirror always threw our malice back...
I see the serpentine in your eyes
The nature of the beast as revelations arrive
Our screams shall trail to Angels
For those damned in flames repay
All sinners lose their lot on Judgement Day
We should have cut our losses at Calvary
But our hearts like heavy crosses held the vain belief
Salvation, like a promised nation
Gleamed a claim away...
This is the end of everything you have ever known
Buried like vanquished reason
Death in season
Driven like the drifting snow
Peace, a fragile lover, left us fantasising war
On our knees or another fucker's shore
Heiling new flesh
read, the roared
To a crooked cross and a Holy cause
What else be whipped to frenzy for?
This is the end of everything
Rear the tragedies
That the Seraphim shall sing
Old adversaries
Next of Eve
Now they're clawing back
I smell their cumming
As through webbed panes of meat
Led by hoary Death
They never left
Dreaming sodomies
To impress on human failure
When we've bled upon our knees
Tablatures of gravel law
Shall see Ghehennah paved
When empires fall
And nightmares crawl
From the cradle to enslaved...
This is the end of everything

I have undoubtably hurt myself and more importantly have hurt others and my mistakes have come back to drag me under and pull me away. As of now it seems to be working. It hurts to know when you have done somethign worng and you know you have hurt osmeone dearly and it replays over and over that one moment of oyu fucking up and then you can't do anyhtign to change it its just osmethign you can't change and personally if I had to I would go as far back to not even meeting the person to change that msitake even if it meant not ever seeign them again

AS my heart lays in wait it cringes on wodner what will happen. I mean it knows that even though slim chance are very unlikely, they still exist and are possible to happen. My heart is on full stress and is quite swelled as well as the tumor in my chest it swells when I ma stressed and it is as big as it has ever been and is very sensitive wondering if my worst fear will happen. I hope it doesn't but if it does it was my fate nad also my fault.

Laid to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And though Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain....
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

Wicked with your charm
I'm circled like prey
Back in the forest
Were whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt...
(keeping Sodom at at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their message away
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

I think I may have ruined everything. I broke a rule that was set upon me by myself alone and it fucked everything up and if i ocudl take it back all the way back to when we first met I would jsut to fix this mistake I made. If I lose her because of my mistake I swear on my life its the end of me. Or at least the end of my heart