The churning
The Burning
The undeciesive eye
My choice
My voice
Yet I stay silent
The tears
The fears
I drag myself under
Pulled down
By my crown
the thoughts are unbearable
I'm drained
From the strain
But yet I push myself forward
I'll die
Inside
If I don't push myself
I'll kill
her will
If I don't push forward
But if I push
And live to push
I'll kill myself in the process

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

These tears fall
In iridescent form
These feelings of death
Freeze my thoughts
My eyes they burn
From the smell
The smell of burning flesh
As my body burns away
My heart begins to melt
For I am cold
Cold as ice
The beat of my dying heart
Rings like gun fire in my ear
Each beat lasting longer than the last
Each gun shot getting louder
My thoughs begin to fade
As my eyes begin to close
As my eye lids touch
They strike open
From a sharp pain
A pain driving my eyes to see
To see the demon that is killing me
The demon is me
Pulling off my red tattered hood
Showing my mischevious smirk
Driving the stake into my heart
Spreading my eyelids apart
My vision began to blur
As my body decayed away
Floating into the air
As I stood there with pride
I pulled my hood back on
Tightening my robe
As the dust of my body flew away
For me
I am my demon

Its weird how just one day can change your life. I mean today was one of those days. I work kiddie rides where I work and there was this big family that came in and they rode the rollercoaster and they were just having a great time and making me laugh as well and they had an older man in a wheel chair and he was laughing just as hard as the family and me if not harder. And he called me over telling me about the kids with this big smile on his face and come to find out he is dying from asl. I am not sure what that is but neways. He explained ot me that even though he was dying he was having the time of his life. And as he did he held his 17 year old grand daughter right next to him. And at that moment he stopped breathing and died. I just stopped and ran to get help afterwards I sat there wondering...thinking about how you never know when your goign to go. I mean hell I could go while I am typing this and no one would know. But after that I promised myself that I am not going to be conservative anymore. I am going to do what I want when it pops into my head. I mean I have been thinking of drinking my problems away fro a night and hell I think I will do that(just gotta find a place to). I mean why hold back when you never know when your gonna go. I mean I might even try becoming a christian again but I would lose alot of things in the process and honestly it seems liek a challenege so I just might but after i get drunk for a night or two. so long all

everything has gone haywire and all the shit has sprung lose and its all my fault all because of one inscident and honestly I wish I could just make my heart stop and breathing slow and just die. It would be alot easier than dealing with this I mean its all my fault and I know it and honestly if it wouldn't break peoples hearts I would be dead by now.

Look ok thigns have definately gotten haywire. I mean girls.....Gonna have to kill them ALL except for one or a few but otherwise the rest should die......I mean leave me the hell alone I have a fucking girlfriend that iwould do anything for and would never even cheat on for anything. I mean anything you girls have to offer she tops it Ten Fold no problem and thats with no hands. But yea stay the hell away from me if your wanting osmethign other than a good friend or brother to look up to cuz I am taken and thats final. Until this relationship Ends {(Which It Won't)(At least not anytime soon hopefully)} But yes that is all leave me alone I don't want none of Yall Except My One and Only and You Know who you are My Love mwah!!! I won't ever let you go EVER!!

Never again will I ever live the same. Never again will I ever talk, smile, act, walk, yell, scream, bleed, cry, look, burn, rip, tear, run, hit, bruise, swear, or die the same.

Istill hear the ringing in my ears of what you said to me. I thought this would never change. But those words that echoe in my ear lie too much. I have had enough. I stand on my own and forget about the life I used to know. Its gone. I need ot run far away. I can't go back to that place. Like you said I am just one big disgrace. You have dissapeared to me. Frankly I miss you, how you used to be, but you now can just fucking leave. Forget about the life i used to know. You made my knuckles bleed like this. You made me do this. I can;t wait till this shit life ends maybe you will have a better life once I am gone. I sure fucking hope so. Cuz once my spirit wakes your end will come slowly and painfully

Ok Where have you gone? I thought I knew you I really did. Boy was I fucking wrong. I don't know who you are!! I swear I thought you were different but hell I didn't think you were like this. I didn't think you were like all the others. But I guess you are. I wish I could jsut tell you to leave. Leave and never come back. But I wouldn't be able to handle it if you left. I often think that I might die and I push those thoguths off. But now I let those thoguths in and they break down the barriers that hold my sanity. Once my sanity is gone once it gets invaded thats the end of me. I am over and it will be all over for me. Frankly I wouldn't might it. A good quick swift ending. It would end the hell I have to deal with here. I mean honestly am I just not good enough for you hmmmm. AMMM I!!!!! HUH FUCKERS? AM I NOT!!! I figured I wasn't. This is the end of me goodnight to you and the world and all those who shit on me you'll get it once I die. Oh don't think thats not soon.

Ok life jsut suddenly got alot tougher I am slowly going back to the way things were baout a year or more ago. And for those of you who don't know thats bad. I am pulling myself as best I can away from going back to the way I used ot but its really hard not to go back how i used to be. I mean the way I used to be isn't a good thing. The way I am now is an improvement to what I used to be. I was controlled and shut away by my fears. And it looks as of now that I might be that way again but not because of my fears but because of other things that don't need to be said. On This Bed i Lay losing everything I can see my life passing me by. Was it too much or was it just not enough. I will not die I will survive but I may never see the light of day ever again. I'm sorry to all that I know and love dearly and The one that I Love with all my heat but you may never see the friend that exists now ever again he may die and never return permittign the circumstances . But as of now he is almost at his death and may never get further away from it and only get closer

ok lets see here I am in real deep as of now. I mean REAL!!! deep. I have enver been in this deep in my life ever. Its not that its a bad thigns its just kinda scary because you know if osmething happens there is ogign to be this big empty feeling inside of you. I mean lets see say your dating someone for about 8 months and your really honest to goodness deeply in lvoe with the person you know that they are slowly filling you with themselves and then just think if they go away they are goign to take all they have consumed with them. THATS ONE BIG FUCKIN HOLE!!!! But like I am ready to stand with her forever until my death and after that my spirit will stay with her. I mean shes perfect I lvoe her to death. I don't know how to describe the feeligns ih ave for this girl but ....ok here take this for example. lets say this girl/guy you have liked for some time comes up and kisses you passionately and you get that spark from it. Its that feelings times a friggin baillion and a half times infinity to the fifth power plus little fear and then add the heart you have behind it and all you would do for that person. Thats what I feel. Now can you blame me for saying that I am in love with this girl even though I am however old i am. I don't think so. Its not liek it owuld matter if you said anythign anyway if you did have a problem I would say your jealous and tell you to go fuck off on your mom. But yes I am in love with her and there is nuthing you can do about it. I am done typing I am goign to bed goodnight


PS: This is to you my love I love you and sleep well I hope you feel better

Well now....considering how my mind has been these couple days. It looks like getting my mind off the subject that is bothering me isnt goign to be an option. Its to important and it hits home b4 I can even try to stop and think of osmething else. And then on top of that come ot find out I have a tumor in front of my heart or at least the doctors think so and thats jsut great two big matters all at once tons and otns of fun right? so I have to try and keep my heart rate low and not get stressed or push it to hard or else soemthing bad could happen thats all ik now though. They said that I cna liek do hard runs, play tag, or any of that but nuthing that would like put serious strain on my heart. Oh they said it might be serious but considerign they think it might be serious they have put me in the category of life/death problem but yea that just makes me feel just dandy. But neways I am out I am bored I need osmethign to entertain myself than this fucking internet.

But as my thoughts drain theirself upon this matter that I cannot change all I can try to do is leave it alone and try to put it out of my head becuz dwelling on osmethig that will never change nor help me at all would be foolish to think about. But when its something this important what am I supposed to do?

Two thousand fattened years like maniacs
Have despoiled our common grave
Now what necrophagous Second Coming backs
From the cradle to enslave
Sickle constellations
Stud the belts that welt the sky
Whilst bitter winter moon
Prowls the clouds, dead eyed
Like shifting parent flesh
Under silk matricide...
Watchful as she was upon Eden
Where every rose arbour and orchard she wept
Hid the hissing of a serpent libido
In an ancient tryst with catastrophe
Soon to be kept
Hear the hissing now on the breeze
As through the plundered groves of the carnal garden
A fresh horror blows
But ten billion souls
Are blind to see the rotting wood for the trees
This is the theme to a better Armageddon
Nightchords rake the heavens
PAN DAEMON AEON
And what use are prayers to that "god"
As devils bay concensus for the space to piss
On your smouldering faith
And the mouldering face
Of this world long a paradise lost
This is the end of everything
Hear the growing chora that the new dawn shall bring
Danse macabre 'neath the tilt of the zodiac
Now brighter stars shall reflect on our fate
What sick nativities will be freed when those lights turn black?
The darkside of the mirror always threw our malice back...
I see the serpentine in your eyes
The nature of the beast as revelations arrive
Our screams shall trail to Angels
For those damned in flames repay
All sinners lose their lot on Judgement Day
We should have cut our losses at Calvary
But our hearts like heavy crosses held the vain belief
Salvation, like a promised nation
Gleamed a claim away...
This is the end of everything you have ever known
Buried like vanquished reason
Death in season
Driven like the drifting snow
Peace, a fragile lover, left us fantasising war
On our knees or another fucker's shore
Heiling new flesh
read, the roared
To a crooked cross and a Holy cause
What else be whipped to frenzy for?
This is the end of everything
Rear the tragedies
That the Seraphim shall sing
Old adversaries
Next of Eve
Now they're clawing back
I smell their cumming
As through webbed panes of meat
Led by hoary Death
They never left
Dreaming sodomies
To impress on human failure
When we've bled upon our knees
Tablatures of gravel law
Shall see Ghehennah paved
When empires fall
And nightmares crawl
From the cradle to enslaved...
This is the end of everything

I have undoubtably hurt myself and more importantly have hurt others and my mistakes have come back to drag me under and pull me away. As of now it seems to be working. It hurts to know when you have done somethign worng and you know you have hurt osmeone dearly and it replays over and over that one moment of oyu fucking up and then you can't do anyhtign to change it its just osmethign you can't change and personally if I had to I would go as far back to not even meeting the person to change that msitake even if it meant not ever seeign them again

AS my heart lays in wait it cringes on wodner what will happen. I mean it knows that even though slim chance are very unlikely, they still exist and are possible to happen. My heart is on full stress and is quite swelled as well as the tumor in my chest it swells when I ma stressed and it is as big as it has ever been and is very sensitive wondering if my worst fear will happen. I hope it doesn't but if it does it was my fate nad also my fault.

Laid to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And though Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain....
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

Wicked with your charm
I'm circled like prey
Back in the forest
Were whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt...
(keeping Sodom at at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their message away
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

I think I may have ruined everything. I broke a rule that was set upon me by myself alone and it fucked everything up and if i ocudl take it back all the way back to when we first met I would jsut to fix this mistake I made. If I lose her because of my mistake I swear on my life its the end of me. Or at least the end of my heart